%b My dog ate it.
%b My cat is using it for kitty litter.
%b I forgot.
%b Not tonight, I have a headache.
%b My grandmother died.
%b I was raised by wolves.
%b My alarm didn't go off.
%b My bus was hijacked on the way to work.
%b I was neglected as a child.
%b I had surgery this morning.
%b I came from a dysfunctional family.
%b I'm using it to line the bird cage.
%b I was on an alien space ship.
%b The electricity went out.
%b My answering machine ate the message.
%b I might have.
%b I was too busy.
%b I was too sleepy.
%b You said not to!
%b How was I supposed to know?
%b That's not what you said last week!
%b I'm not the boss around here!
%b How should I have known?
%b How could I have known that?
%b Why should I?
%b You didn't say there'd be a test over this!
%b I was too busy playing "Leisure Suit Larry!"
%b My hard disk crashed.
%b My hard disk was full.
%b My backups got erased.
%b That floppy got erased.
%b That information was created and immediately deleted.
%b That wasn't on my M. B. O.'s!
%b I would have, but I was too busy doing that other stuff you wanted done!
%b My desk isn't big enough.
%b I could have, but I don't have a corner office.
%b If I had a window in my office, I would have been able to finish.
%b I've been telling you: my computer's just too slow.
%b I've been telling you: my hard disk's just too small.
%b You changed your mind.
%b I would have, but I couldn't.
%b Did you want me to do that before or after the other stuff I didn't do?
%b Hey, there's only one of me, you know!
%b What? I've never done that before!
%b Isn't that sex discrimination?
%b You wouldn't say that to my face!
- Plural Subjects:
Spirits from the Other Side
Couples in Love
- Singular Subjects:
World's Thinnest Woman
World's Tallest Man
World's Shortest Woman
Loch Ness Monster
Spirit from Another Astral Plane
- Plural-Agreeing Transitive Verbs:
Speak to Ghost of
- Singular-Agreeing Transitive Verbs:
Carries the Love Child of
- Plural-Agreeing Intransitive Verbs:
Lose 100 lbs
Born with Tattoo of Elvis
Plot Against President
Give Birth to Triplets
Give Birth to Half-Ape
See Vision of Elvis
Devise Miracle Diet
Predict Lottery Numbers
Fall in Love
Write Computer Game
Expose Sordid Past
- Singular-Agreeing Intransitive Verbs:
Loses 100 lbs
Born with Tattoo of Elvis
Plots Against President
Gives Birth to Triplets
Gives Birth to Half-Ape
Possesed by Elvis
Sees Vision of Elvis
is Really a Communist-Sympathizing Space Alien
Carries Saddam Hussein's Love Child
Discovers Cure for Baldness
Falls in Love
Writes Computer Game
Exposes Sordid Past
- Adjectives Suitable For Modifying Animate Nouns:
- Adjectives Suitable For Modifying Inanimate Nouns:
- Exclamation To Append To Headline:
-- Docs Say
-- Scientists Say
-- Fortune Teller Reveals
-- A Laffer Utilities Exclusive!
-- The Exclusive Story
-- The Untold Story
- Exclamation To Append To Headline:
Top Scientists Discover:
Witch Doctor Claims:
- Sentence Templates:
- PreExc* *"*PlSub*PlTranVerb*SingSub*"
aries d Aries is the sign of the Ram, and Ariens tend to ram their way into everything. Ariens crash parties, cut ahead in lines, and cannot be trusted with Suzuki Samauris.
aries d Due to the outstanding protuberance of the Ram, Ariens tend to be extremely horny.
aries d Aries is the sign of the Spring Equinox, so it's no wonder that when Spring comes, Ariens come out to frolic. Ariens are given to tasteless public displays of affection. Only Ariens went nude at Woodstock.
aries d Most flashers are Ariens. Fortunately, this exhibitionist tendency usually "peters out" quickly.
aries d Aries is the first sign of the Zodiac; Ariens tend to think they should be first at everything. First in line, first out when the bell rings, first to take up the latest fad diet. Fortunately, they're also first to admit their plentiful shortcomings.
aries d Ariens tend to have blonde hair and blue eyes, to be tall and broad-shouldered (especially the men), and to have fair complexions. A sense of superiority dominates their life, and they often have delusions of taking over the world and... wait a second, did you say Arien... or Aryan?
aries a Quick, get out of the house! That threatening phone call you got a little while ago was coming from the UPSTAIRS EXTENSION!
aries a You're not as funny as you think you are. Don't give up the day gig.
aries a Your life seems hollow, empty, a meaningless shell. The problem? Not enough computer games in your life. The solution? Buy some NOW, before it's too late.
aries a Ariens should be careful to thoroughly wash chickens before cooking, to remove any trace of salmonella.
aries a Try to be a very beautiful woman with a large bosom today. It will make the world a nicer place to be.
aries a Try not to boast about your chemical dependencies this week.
aries a Try not to depress others with your chemical dependencies this week.
aries a You've got something green caught between your teeth. It's been there for awhile. Vow to remove it this century.
aries a Don't tug on Superman's cape. Don't spit into the wind. Don't pull the mask off that ol' Lone Ranger, and don't mess around with Jim.
aries a For Ariens, the longest line is the one that will move the quickest today. But you won't believe me, will you? You'll still stand in the shortest line. Some Ariens never learn.
aries a Stay away from undetonated explosive devices today.
aries a Today would be a great day to finish that correspondence you've been thinking about. Be sure the letters are firmly glued on and your instructions are clear and concise.
aries a Don't go around acting smug about your new raise. Remember, Willy Nelson owes more in taxes than you'll make in your lifetime.
aries p Some great tragedy will befall you today. You can only avoid it by moving to downtown Milwaukee. You will decide it would be better to just stay and deal with it.
aries p You or someone very close to you will have a baby today and name it "Bryce" if it's a boy or "Alyssa" if it's a girl. Gag me with a diskette.
aries p You're going to end up on somebody's "10 Worst Dressed" list today.
aries p Have no fear. The next President will promise not to raise taxes.
aries p Somebody you know is going to make an illegal copy of this software today. The SPA will take umbrage and have this person slit from groin to nose with a stiletto. Play it safe.
aries p You are going to acquire a great deal of money today. And you know just where to find it, too. The combination is 12-17-25. Right?
aries p The Autumn moon is bright. The wolfsbane is blooming. You are going to become a werewolf tonight. Cool!
aries p Your Sea Monkeys will die horribly today in an unfortunate mix-up involving liquid drain opener.
aries p Somebody's going to poke their eye out with that thing. It's going to end in tears. You had better cut out that horseplay right now.
aries p You are going to meet somebody famous today and accidentally smear mayonnaise all over their sequined glove. Caution is advised.
pisces d Pisces is the sign of the fish. Like fish, Pisceans are gullible and will swallow anything, tend to smell bad after just a couple hours in the sun, and have the amazing ability to come back to life simply by being dropped into water.
pisces d Pisceans tend to be short, fleshy and stooped. Those born under the sign of the fish also tend to have webbed fingers and vestigial gills from their innate desire not to participate in evolution. If you're a Pisces, have you felt the sides of your throat lately?
pisces d Those born under the sign Pisces tend to swim (and drink) like fish. Most great swimmers are thus Piscean, as are most sufferers of cirrhosis of the liver.
pisces d Pisces is the twelfth and last sign of the Zodiac. Thus most Pisceans are used to being picked last in gym class, picked last for business promotions, and last out of the airliner when the cabin pressure drops.
pisces d Being born under the sign of Pisces has both advantages and disadvantages. Like fish, Pisceans tend to be fragile and delicate, with flesh that flakes easily when properly cooked. Fortunately, it's illegal to hunt Pisceans except during months with an "R."
pisces d Pisceans tend to be cold, damp and clammy. This often leads to athlete's foot, yeast infections and fungal ailments. On the positive side, Pisceans make excellent mushroom farmers.
pisces a The spirits indicate that this would be an ideal time to invest in a publicly-held entertainment software company, preferably one in a remote, mountainous location.
pisces a Don't be such a cold fish. Cuddle up to perfect strangers.
pisces a Avoid people who don't seem to have your best interests at heart.
pisces a Quit your job today. Sever all relationships. Nobody around here appreciates you. What do you need them for anyway? You're your own person!
pisces a Donate your body to science. Even medical students could use a chuckle.
pisces a You've caused your mother a great deal of heartache. Do something nice for her. Make a large donation to "Meals On Wheels" in her name. Thank you.
pisces a Every time you eat a piece of sushi, you are committing an act of symbolic cannibalism. Pisceans should stick to beef and poultry.
pisces a Pisceans should avoid being shellfish and should develop a sense of porpoise.
pisces a Piscean men and Aquarian women are the most compatible lovers. What could be more natural than a fish in water?
pisces a Fish and guests begin to stink after three days. This goes double for Pisces guests; they begin to stink after a day and a half.
pisces p This Pisces prediction has been removed due to a pending lawsuit involving copyright infringement and the Bazooka Joe comics fortune.
pisces p You will face great disappointment today in your usual mature fashion: by kicking, screaming and whining.
pisces p Sometime this month, you are going to attempt to assassinate a doddering politician in order to impress a celebrity. Unfortunately, you will fail miserably.
pisces p You will make a new friend today, if you can find all the right parts.
pisces p I see a pile of unpaid parking tickets, a Denver Boot, an expensive lawyer, and a suspended sentence.
pisces p The stars never lie. You will make a large expenditure today, to a friend who has just returned from Columbia. Or is that Columbus?
pisces p Somebody very close to you is untrustworthy. This friend has brown hair and hazel eyes, and the first initial is "B." Quickly, for your own sake... kill this person. No, wait... it's you!
pisces p Great news! You're going to end up on a quiz program and win a special grand prize that is heavily over-valued.
pisces p You will read this prediction and say, "Geez, I could think up better fortunes than that!"
pisces p This was not the first of "The Laffer Utilities" you looked at today. Right? Huh? Knew it!
pisces p Something moist and viscous will attach itself to the bottom of your shoe and slow you down all day today. It will not be noticed until you cross your legs during a meeting with your boss.
taurus d Taurus is the sign of the bull. Tauruns tend to be excellent at shooting it, throwing it, and stepping in it.
taurus d Born under the sign of the bull, Tauruns tend to be stubborn, overweight, and should avoid swatches of red fabric (which often enrage them).
taurus d Tauruns have delicate egos, prefer to be called amigos, and enjoy kissing picadors. (It's a Ferdinand reference, don't worry if it went over your head.)
taurus d Tauruns enjoy snorting, pawing at the ground, and defecating wherever they damn well feel like it. It's best not to ridicule them for this behavior, since they're also very sensitive.
taurus d Most Tauruns enjoy goring Spaniards and running naked through narrow streets.
taurus d Tauruns enjoy receiving high stud fees for doing things that other folks have to pay to have done to them.
taurus d Tauruns are particularly touchy about jokes concerning how much they resemble bulls, so don't poke fun at them unless you don't mind being pinioned to a tree through the stomach by their long horns.
taurus d While Tauruns are extremely sensitive and high-tempered individuals, they're also blessed with some of the longest reproductive instruments in the entire Zodiac... making them popular at parties.
taurus a Be alert. The world needs more lerts.
taurus a Strive to be less ambitious. Everybody knows you're trying. In fact, you're the most trying person they know.
taurus a Please stop throwing cigarette butts into the toilets. It makes them difficult to light.
taurus a For Tauruns, life is like a fan. Turned one way, it blows. Turned the other, it sucks.
taurus a Help keep your city clean. Eat a pigeon today.
taurus a Remember: the square root of 69 is 8 something.
taurus a Puns don't kill people; people kill people. Puns only kill your appetite.
taurus a Taurun men should cultivate a better vocabulary and greater cleverness with words, since Taurun women love a cunning linguist.
taurus a It's all very well to complain that roses have thorns, but perhaps you should just be grateful that thorns have roses.
taurus a Try to be more like what you were, when you wanted to be what you are now.
taurus p Your doctor will tell you you've got acute angina. You must resist the urge to punch him in the mouth.
taurus p Like most Tauruns, you probably think you're better- endowed than you really are. Fight against these delusions of glandeur.
taurus p You will soon find yourself unable to play croquet, due to an absence of mallets.
taurus p Strangely enough, you will be caught cheating at poker in London and hauled into Scotland Yard. Fortunately, Britannia waives the rules.
taurus p You will marry into an Indian tribe and become one big Hopi family.
taurus p You will build a successful practice in dermatology... starting from scratch.
taurus p You will soon be involved in an automobile collision with a hermit, who will face charges of recluse driving.
taurus p You will catch a virus and develop a low-grade temperature. Thank god for small fevers!
taurus p The drugstore will soon lose your film. But don't worry; some day your prints will come.
cancer d Those born under the sign of Cancer are also called "Moon Children." If you've ever seen a Cancerian college student saluting you from a dormitory window, you'll know why.
cancer d Cancer is the sign of the crab; Cancerians endure many jokes about their similarities to those crustaceans. But unlike crabs, Cancerians are gentle and inoffensive, dislike the water, highly intelligent, and will not regenerate their hands when lopped off in kitchen accidents.
cancer d Cancerians make excellent authors and journalists. George Bernard Shaw, Ernest Hemingway, and Aldous Huxley were all Cancerians. Of course, they're all dead now, so it doesn't do you much good to be an author, does it?
cancer d If you're born under the sign of the crab, you're likely to be sentimental, ambitious, unstable, personable, and at your best when dipped in butter with a little lemon squeezed over you.
cancer d Cancerians tend to be into mysticism. Tell a Cancerian his or her fortune and they'll believe you completely, even if you're just a hack software writer in some far-off, isolated office in the mountains.
cancer p You will have that small mole on your face removed (the one everyone laughs about behind your back).
cancer p You will win a "Millionth Customer" sweepstakes at the local free clinic, during your annual VD checkup. It will be in all the papers.
cancer p You will blast your television set to smithereens with a shotgun during the 300th Taco Bell commercial of the evening.
cancer p In a spasm of stupidity, you will join a video club and purchase "Ishtar," "Yours, Mine and Ours," and "With Six You Get Eggroll" for a penny, obligating you to buy only 15 more videos during the coming year at regular, grossly-inflated, club prices.
cancer p You will eat a dog biscuit today to win a two-dollar bar bet. Your teeth will become noticeably cleaner and whiter. Your tongue will drip on your tie.
cancer p You will succumb to temptation and buy the first "Who's The Boss" Collector's Plate for $45, after being assured in writing that it will probably, no doubt, fer sure, go up in value someday very soon.
cancer p You will tell a joke from the "Jokes" Database today and try to convince your friends that you thought it up yourself.
cancer p Next week, you will call in sick to work and you'll ACTUALLY BE SICK! No, really.
cancer p You're going to find a wallet with $545 in it and you'll do the honest thing. Whoops, no, wait. This prediction was for Aries.
cancer p If you turn the computer keyboard upside down and shake it, over four pounds of hair, dandruff, and potato chip shards will fall out of it.
cancer a To get that warm, comfy feeling, do what your Mom used to do: smoke a couple of Marlboros, talk on the phone for three hours, tell the kids to make some Pop-Tarts for dinner, then head out to a bar.
cancer a Sit up straight. Stop slouching. Tuck in your shirt. Just look how you look. Whatever will become of you?
cancer a Get a new atlas. The one you've been using still lists "Constantinople" as "Istanbul."
cancer a Make your whole office chill out. Next time you change the water cooler bottle, slip in a handful of Valium.
cancer a Don't call yourself a Cancer; it makes you sound like something everybody dreads. Don't call yourself a Moon Child; it makes you sound like a loony. Don't call yourself a Crab or everybody will agree. Just tell people you don't believe in Astrology.
cancer a Keep your chin up. You may be ugly, but you've got a particularly nice gullet.
cancer a Cancerians have the tendency to store things away for safekeeping for a long, long time. Have you smelled your refrigerator lately? I mean, objectively?
cancer a Cancerians enjoy brightening their lives with crafts and decorations. Try putting a few refrigerator magnets on your computer. You'll thank me later.
cancer a Cancerians love nothing more than burying their nose in a good book. It makes a great bookmark.
cancer a You're getting pale and a little yellow around the eyes. You're putting on weight and those bags under your eyes are getting worse, too. You need a vacation desperately. Tell your boss I said so.
capricorn d Capricorn is the sign of the sea-goat. Nobody's ever really seen a sea-goat, so nobody knows much about Capricorns. In fact, there are no Capricorns, only people born on the Sagittarius cusp or the Aquarius cusp.
capricorn d Capricorn, the sign of the sea-goat, is the most far- fetched of the sun signs. The water-bearer and the virgin are unbelievable for obvious reasons, but a sea-goat? Get real.
capricorn d Capricornians tend to be terrible writers. Mozart and Schubert were both Capricorns and were infamous for their poor writing. Capricorns also tend to be lousy musicians; James Joyce and Gertrude Stein, both of whom were tone-deaf, were also both Capricornian.
capricorn d Capricornians tend to be warlike. Robert E. Lee, Stonewall Jackson, and General Douglas MacArthur are all Capricorn-born. In fact, put all the Capricornians on an island together and in two days, bang, no more Capricornians. And wouldn't the world be a better place?
capricorn d Those born under the sign of Capricorn tend to be humble, hard-working, highly ethical and moral, very kind and attentive, emotionally supportive and optimistic. In short, really dreary people who rarely get invited to parties.
capricorn p You will watch "The Tonight Show" for four more years before you realize that Johnny Carson isn't just on another vacation... he's actually off the show.
capricorn p Tonight you'll realize why they call prostitutes "prosties" on "T. J. Hooker."
capricorn p You will be caught playing with yourself in a small, "art-film" establishment. Again. This time, the judge will not so lenient.
capricorn p You will be involved in an automobile collision with a rich fortuneteller and be arrested for striking a happy medium.
capricorn p You will meet an old friend who is now a Shriner. You won't be able to remember his name, but his fez will be familiar.
capricorn p Next week, you will see a model home. But she won't invite you in for coffee.
capricorn p Next spring, you will learn to speak French. Unfortunately, the quality of your "merci" will be strained.
capricorn p This weekend, You will ask a local restaurant for one of their recipes. Unfortunately, they will refuse to reveal their sauces.
capricorn p Your indoor plants are going to die. Try to remember: take care of your peonies and your dahlias will take care of themselves.
capricorn p You will invent a stain-proof molybdenum kitchen sink. You will name it "The Unbrownable Moly Sink."
capricorn a Your loved one knows all about that affair you're having with that cheap, rotten homewrecker, but isn't saying anything yet. In fact, everybody knows about it. 'Fess up.
capricorn a Maybe some track lighting would help.
capricorn a Get a tube of Canker-B-Gon or some Cold-Sore-No-More. If you don't need it right now, you're going to need it shortly.
capricorn a Better stop cooking in those aluminum pans, they can cause Alzheimer's Disease. And while we're on the subject, better stop cooking in those aluminum pans. They can cause Alzheimer's Disease.
capricorn a Have you heard about this new thing called "deodorant soap?" It's a remarkable invention. You ought to try it sometime.
capricorn a You want advice? Get a shave. Especially you Capricorn women. Your moustache makes a statement. The statement is "too much testosterone."
capricorn a Don't be humble. You're not that great.
capricorn a Try not to gossip or conjecture about other people's sex lives. Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved.
capricorn a It is better to be a coward for a minute, than to be dead for the rest of your life.
capricorn a Never accept advice from a computer. Think for yourself. Don't take someone else's wisdom at face value.
libra d Libra is the sign of the scales. Thus Libra-born usually have dandruff, psoriasis, eczema, seborrhea, dry skin, and elephantiasis. Is it any wonder that some countries have established "Libra Colonies" on islands in order to isolate these people?
libra d The only non-living sign of the zodiac, Libra is considered by modern astrologists to be the most desirable of the sun signs, although the ancient Greeks and Romans preferred Virgos. I mean, who wouldn't? But just try and find one!
libra d Libra is admired because it is ruled by Venus, the planet of love and beauty. However, Saturn also rules Libra, and Saturn is the planet of sternness, righteousness and discipline. This explains why so many Librans are schizophrenic S&M freaks.
libra d They are scholarly and studious, quiet and very well-educated. While perhaps a bit too meek and mild, they are nonetheless the type of people others turn to for answers and guidance. Wait, did you say "Librans" or "Librarians?"
libra d Libra represents equilibrium and justice. Thus many Librans grow up to be lawyers with inner ear infections. Librans also enjoy giving people free advice, but a Libran's advice is worth just what people pay for it.
libra a Your biggest problem is that your eyes tend to bulge when you stare at the monitor or explain something. Either stop staring at the monitor and explaining things or get some blinders so the rest of us don't have to see your eyes bugging out of your skull.
libra a Be a little more discreet. That cranky old woman who lives next door has been calling the police and complaining that you constantly whistle dirty songs.
libra a Stop worrying so much about whether or not people like you. Just accept the fact that they don't and they never will. There, now do you feel better?
libra a The most important advice for Librans to keep in mind is "grow old gracefully." Of course, it's too late for you, but maybe you can pass this advice on to someone who hasn't already made a fool out of him or herself.
libra a Learn to be more forgiving of other people's shortcomings. After all, the world has been pretty tolerant of your stupid damn mistakes.
libra a Today would have been a good day to stay in bed... anybody's but your own.
libra a Be nice to everybody you meet today. Somebody you know is armed.
libra a Librans should be careful not to take astrology so seriously.
libra a Smile and nod your head a lot today. Thinking for yourself can be dangerous. Don't do it. This should be no problem.
libra a Today would be a great day to undertake a home improvement project. Fix your pet!
libra p A lifelong love affair will end for you today. Your right hand is going to leave you for somebody else.
libra p A gnarled old woman is going to offer you a shiny red apple today. Use caution. Make one of your in-laws try a bite first.
libra p Someone close to you is going to be injured in an explosion. Remove all cans of aerosol pasteurized processed cheese food product from your home, unless you're looking for a messy lawsuit.
libra p Unfortunately, you are going to choke on a piece of food today. Fortunately, somebody knows the Heimlich maneuver. Unfortunately, that person lives in the Australian outback. Sorry!
libra p You will see your true love today. Unfortunately, the videotape must be back by five, or you'll never get to browse in the adult section again.
libra p You will come down with the 24-hour flu tomorrow. Knowing you, you'll stretch it out to 72 hours with a little acting.
libra p You will herniate yourself today. Fortunately, you'll recoup the hospital costs by charging neighborhood kids 25 cents to see it pop in and out.
libra p You're about to be taken by a smooth-talking salesman who will convince you to insulate your home with snazzy aluminum siding. You are SO gullible.
libra p You will befriend a small, lost-looking furry creature this week. You will also get a series of painful rabies injections.
libra p (This prediction is for entertainment purposes only and is not meant to foster a belief in astrology. Void where prohibited by law. Not applicable in GA, FL, MA or DE.) Your prediction: you will have good luck today.
scorpio d The sign of the scorpion, Scorpio has long been considered the most dangerous sign of the zodiac. Most people named "Bubba" are Scorpios, as are gang leaders, mass murderers, and anyone who's a product of inbreeding.
scorpio d There are many positive aspects to being a Scorpio. Scorpios are few in number, don't stay around for long, and tend to receive long jail sentences.
scorpio d Those born under the sign of Scorpio tend to be impatient, hyperactive, energetic, ambitious, and as a result, the most intensely disliked people on the face of the earth. Fortunately, they tend to burn out and die young.
scorpio d The Scorpion is the only venomous symbol of the Zodiac. Thus it is easily understood that Scorpios are gossipy, malicious, social climbing, and tend to have long, curved appendages that spurt poison.
scorpio d Scorpios, like their namesakes, make a show of being rugged and dangerous. Also, like scorpions, this is mostly facade. Scorpios are fragile, small, have poor eyesight, move slowly and, when they prove troublesome, make a pleasing crunching sound when mashed underfoot.
scorpio a Don't pick it! You'll only make it worse.
scorpio a Stop worrying about being a success. Concentrate on enjoying life. There are no successful Scorpios anyway.
scorpio a Try wearing looser-fitting clothing. It will hide that unsightly bulge. You know what I'm talking about.
scorpio a Be more sensitive to the differences between men and women. Remember, there is a vas deferens between the two.
scorpio a Learn to drive the big rigs. Those men make real money!
scorpio a Never mudwrestle a pig. You'll get all muddy and the pig will love it.
scorpio a Recognize your uniqueness. Before they made you, they broke the mold.
scorpio a The best revenge is to live long enough to be a problem to your children.
scorpio a Remember, there's a broken light bulb for every heart on Broadway.
scorpio p You will lose your "Drug Free And Proud" ribbon. Two days later, you'll catch a neighborhood kid smoking it.
scorpio p Psychics will lead police to your body.
scorpio p You will have a child who is so ugly that you'll have to hang a pork chop around its neck to get the dog to play with it.
scorpio p Unless you act now, you will never survive the next ice age. Try to warm up.
scorpio p Your significant other is going to run off with a fragrance salesperson. But don't worry, you're also going to be laid off from work, so it's not like you're going to have time to dwell on that love thing.
scorpio p You will soon experience true happiness and gain unbelievable wealth. (Yeah, and I'm Lawrence of Arabia, and you're hard at work right now. Right.)
scorpio p You will suffer a massive heart attack while "Sweatin' To The Oldies." The last words you hear will be Richard Simmons exhorting you to "get up off that big fat tush of yours." What a horrible way to go.
scorpio p You are going to die on April 19th, 1998. Whoops, I'm sorry, the Astrologer's Guild says we're not supposed to reveal that sort of information, even if it's the absolute truth. Forget I said anything.
scorpio p One day you're going to park in the woods with your lover and the guy on the radio will say there's an escaped convict on the loose with a hook, so you'll go home and there'll be this hook hanging from the car door. This really happened to a friend of a friend of mine. No, really!
virgo d The sign of Virgo is cool and moist. Virgos thus tend to migrate to Phoenix, where they become drier and hotter. This makes them wrinkle early in life; most Virgos could use a good ironing. Granny Clampett was a Virgo.
virgo d Virgos tend to be thin and manipulative. Given those tendencies, they make excellent petty thieves, locksmiths, and escape artists. They're also very adept at using shrimp forks, tweezers and catheters. Frederick Carmichael, known throughout history as "The Father of Urology," was one famous Virgo.
virgo d Virgian babies are the happiest babies in the world. They drool a lot, gurgle merrily, enjoy exploring their toes and genitals and look in wonderment at the hazy world around them. Unfortunately, this behavior continues for the rest of their lives, making them poorly adjusted (if happy) adults.
virgo d Virgo is a cold, feminine sign. If you're a Virgo woman, chances are you're frigid. If you're a Virgo man, chances are you're gay and impotent.
virgo d Virgo is supposedly the sign of the Virgin, but let's be honest, shall we? There are no real Virgos left. In fact, the people who claim they're Virgo don't even qualify. But don't you wish you could find one?
virgo a Save water. Kill an Aquarian.
virgo a Give a Libran a heart attack. Rub up against one and say, "I want you to be my first!"
virgo a For a good time, call the 1-900-SIERRA-X line. Hear REAL Sierra On-Line game characters' TRUE confessions! Learn Rosella's secret fantasies! Call now! Only $14.95 a minute.
virgo a Moderation in all things... including moderation.
virgo a Cultivate an interest in the Classics. Seduce a senior citizen tonight.
virgo a There's no need to do any housework at all. After four years, dirt doesn't get any worse.
virgo a It is easier to be forgiven after the fact than to get permission before the fact.
virgo a If you'd show a little bravery and admit to the world that your ancestors were gay, perhaps a few of your skeletons could come out of the closet.
virgo a Three words for Virgo-born to remind themselves of every single day: lather, rinse, repeat.
virgo a Like most Virgos, you're probably in need of a good bill-consolidation firm. Consult the Yellow Pages.
virgo p You're going to fall and won't be able to get up!
virgo p There's something you've been worried about for years, but put your mind at ease. When you're dead and buried, the worms will definitely not play pinochle on your snout. That's merely something kids tell each other to be cruel. (They will, however, eat the goo-goo between your toes!)
virgo p You will appear on a national game show and come off looking like a fool. Remember: it's "buy a VOWEL!"
virgo p You're only supposed to read one of these predictions every day. Otherwise they won't come true. You've blown it for today.
virgo p You will be involved in a consumer taste test. Unfortunately, you will choose the wrong beverage and thus lose out on the lucrative "hidden camera" TV contract. Pick the other drink.
virgo p You will amaze your friends and neighbors by pointing out their philtrals, which they never even knew they had.
virgo p You will meet a tall, dark, attractive stranger who will sweep you off your feet and sell you a Comfort-Matic Reclining Chair with Vibro-Massage.
virgo p This coming Friday afternoon about 5:45 p.m., you're going to crack one of your front teeth. Since your dentist won't be available until Tuesday, you'll spend days trying not to smile or talk, but your tongue will constantly be exploring that uncomfortable new gap. Argh!
virgo p You will soon see a new comedy action film about a couple of mismatched cops who have to work together. It will be the feel-good movie of the year!
virgo p You will visit an Emergency Room soon. There you will meet a distraught male celebrity carrying an empty gerbil cage and a roll of electrician's tape.
leo d People born under the sign of Leo are sickly, flaccid, confused but highly-motivated. As a result, Leos make excellent clowns and mass murderers.
leo d Leo women are clinging, jealous, selfish, insensitive, two- faced, backstabbing, greedy, irresponsible, shrill, arrogant bimbos. Leo men are honest, hard-working, long-suffering, generous, and should absolutely stay away from Leo women. My ex-wife and I are both Leos, so it just goes to prove it.
leo d People born under the sign of Leo tend to be gullible and naive. If you're a Leo and you'd like to find out more, send $25 in cash to Al Lowe, in care of Sierra On-Line. (Sorry, just joshing... you Leos are a great bunch of guys, really.)
leo d Leo the Lion is the symbol of offensive power. Thus, most Leos have bad breath, body odor, and tend to emit strange and curious sounds at the dinner table.
leo d Strong and masculine, Leos are too often accused of being unwashed and ungroomed. Nothing could be further from the truth. They are simply fulfilling their destinies.
leo d Leos tend to be belligerent, insensitive and have delusions of superiority. In short, most Leos are full of Taurus.
leo d Do you realize that somewhere in the world there are folks born under the sign of Leo and who were NAMED Leo? Somebody who'd do that to their baby doesn't deserve to be a parent.
leo a Attempt to be more like Ghandi: thin, tan, and moral.
leo a Eat a big breakfast and a big lunch and cut out dinner entirely. Studies show that Leos tend to die at the dinner table.
leo a Here's how to add hundreds of years to your life span: just figure your age in dog years. You could live to be 400!
leo a Don't you think it's about time to upgrade that piece of junk you've had for years? Sure it is. So get your mother-in-law a tummy tuck, a face-lift, liposuction, and have those varicose veins stripped. While you're at it, get yourself a new '486!
leo a Ever notice how people kind of turn their heads to the side whenever you talk to them? Do you suppose it could be... your breath? Get a clue!
leo a Leos tend to be workaholics, so try these simple daily stress-reduction techniques: kick the dog, break a vase, punch the wall, chew your nails. Feel better? Of course you do!
leo a Never accept rides from strangers unless they're willing to offer you candy.
leo a Love used to mean never having to say you're sorry. Now it means never having to learn you're HIV-positive.
leo a You're getting a reputation in your neighborhood as a sleazy, wanton sexpot. This explains the sudden influx of party invitations.
leo a Wise up. Leos tend to be the gullible sorts who believe that the more magazine subscriptions they buy, the better their chances of winning the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes. It doesn't work that way, rube.
leo a Try to avoid chemical additives and remedies, and increase your use of holistic and natural remedies. For instance, did you know that rubbing a split jalapeno pepper on chapped lips will make them heal quicker? Try it and see!
leo p You will soon realize that you've blocked out an entire year of your early life, during which you had an affair with JFK. (Then again, who didn't?)
leo p You will make the mistake of purchasing something with a tag that reads, "This item is handcrafted and may exhibit small flaws and imperfections that only add to its charm and uniqueness." You are a dope.
leo p You will meet your real parents today (and you never even knew you were adopted!).
leo p You will discover a small chancre that answers to the name of "Ravi."
leo p You will discover firsthand that there is indeed an afterlife. Unfortunately, you will discover this within the next 48 hours. Close out all unfinished business.
leo p You will lose your golden pince-nez and, since you haven't the vaguest idea what the hell a pince-nez is, you'll never find it.
leo p You will receive a surprise phone call from Angela Lansbury, who will ask you if you have any questions about buffered aspirin you'd like to ask either her or Patricia Neal, who's listening in on her bedroom extension.
leo p Close friends will tell you that you have an enormous split end. Several hours later you'll realize that they weren't referring to your hair.
leo p Your evil twin from a parallel universe is going to wreck your life. Oh, well!
aquarius d The bad news is that in 2 AD, Vettius Valens wrote that Aquarians were "effeminate, inflexible, wicked, infertile." The good news is that the traditional tropical zodiac is out-of-step with the current sideral zodiac. So everybody who thinks they're an Aquarius is really a Capricorn now.
aquarius d Aquarius is generally regarded in classical astrology as the best sign. The Roman writer Manilius wrote of Aquarians in the 1st century AD as, "the good, the pious and the just." Interestingly enough, Manilius himself was an Aquarian, which tells you about their lack of humility and inflated sense of self-worth.
aquarius d Aquarians are gentle, shy, and tend not to take a firm stand on anything. For those reasons, the most famous Aquarians are young entrepreneurs who found hardware and software companies.
aquarius d Aquarians have this superiority thing, just because the Fifth Dimension said this was the dawning of the "Age of Aquarius." Well, this so-called "dawning" is on the cosmic scale; it won't be the Age of Aquarius until about the 24th century. It's gonna be the Age of Pisces for almost another 400 years. So get a grip, hotshots.
aquarius d Aquarius is the sign of the water-bearer, a symbol of helpfulness and service to others. Sort of an extraterrestrial "Meals on Wheels," this is more like "Jars on Stars," but the concept is the same. Aquarians are here to serve, and should know their place.
aquarius a Get down off your high horse. It's dangerous to ride an animal who's been ingesting controlled substances.
aquarius a Beware of unwanted sexual attraction from a small dog.
aquarius a Don't hesitate to accept any offers that include disrobing, vegetable shortening, or girls named Tawny.
aquarius a Eat a bullfrog first thing every morning, and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
aquarius a Try to make new friends; write your name and phone number in the company restroom.
aquarius a You'll enjoy the company of young people today. Remember to ask her for proof of age.
aquarius a "Be yourself" is the worst advice anyone could give you.
aquarius a If you give it your all, you have the ability to win at anything today... unless there's another entry.
aquarius a Your psychic powers are at their height today. Whatever you do, be sure you don't you-know-what with you-know-who you-know-where.
aquarius a You're better than Winston Churchill, because you're ugly and he's dead, but in the morning you could get plastic surgery.
aquarius p Somebody very close to you is going to be accused of consorting with a moron.
aquarius p You will buy a new insurance policy, fortunately just in time. Unfortunately, just in time to collect accidental dismemberment benefits.
aquarius p You will misplace your epididymus. Sorry, that's all the spirits told me. You'll have to look it up.
aquarius p Travel opportunities abound; you are most likely leaving town at the business end of a 12-gauge shotgun.
aquarius p There is an unexpected business opportunity in your future involving spike heels and edible underwear.
aquarius p You will become enamored of your Davy Crockett hat and be subsequently labeled a furvert.
aquarius p Your name and likeness will be featured on a line of fashion pocket protectors.
aquarius p Stephen King will write your biography.
aquarius p The good news is you will win the heart of a beautiful girl. The bad news is it will be in a jar of alcohol.
aquarius p You will buy five copies of "Laura Bow II: The Dagger of Amon Ra" and make your favorite game company very, very happy.
gemini d The sign of twins together, Gemini represents bonding in all forms of life. As such, Geminians tend to bond to anyone or anything that passes their way. If you're a Gemini, chances are you have lots of meaningless, shallow relationships... just the way you like 'em.
gemini d Gemini is the sign of the heavenly twins, Carol and Paula (whose names were later altered to Castor and Pollux to sound scholarly). Their playfulness and youthfulness are their chief qualities and, coincidentally, are what makes them incredibly annoying.
gemini d People born under Gemini tend to excel at political endeavors, especially those involving the diplomatic service and the legislature. This is due mostly to their love of cocktail parties, carousing, infidelity and young boys.
gemini d Geminians are really decent people. No kidding, they're very respectable, nice, ordinary folks. I mean ordinary in a good way... like not quite dull, but dependable and regular. Really quite nice guys. Did I mention how decent they are? Salt of the earth.
gemini d Geminians are said to be quick-witted, good at repartee, and easily able to go from one job to another. Translation: they're con artists, three-card-monte dealers, pimps and drug pushers. Of course, you'll say that's not you, but if you really think about your job, perhaps you'll be honest with yourself.
gemini a Try not to be so overtly emotional or "wear your heart on your sleeve." After all, who's going to take you seriously if you walk around with a heart on?
gemini a Be happy. People like you. Then again, people like "L. A. Law," so maybe you shouldn't be so complimented.
gemini a It's well and good to give a few bucks to charity now and again, but a huge donation to the San Andreas Pro-Earthquake Fund is being generous to a fault.
gemini a Philosophically, Geminians tend to be existentialists. Thus, they also rarely commit suicide. After all, have you ever tried to kill yourself by jumping out of an arbitrary construct?
gemini a Now would be a good time to invest in chickens. You can probably pick up a few for a poultry sum.
gemini a Choose your religion wisely. Jesus saves, Moses invests, but only Buddha pays dividends.
gemini a Don't leave the White House today, whatever you do. Oh, wait a minute, for a moment there, I thought you were Nancy!
gemini a Do something to liven up your surroundings. Prune the mold in your bathroom?
gemini a You're in a rut. Get out of the house. Go somewhere. Meet people. Do something at least once a year, instead of staring at a cathode ray tube every waking moment.
gemini p Someone will knock you off your high horse, but you'll get right back on it again before you lose your nerve.
gemini p You ought to be in pictures, and will be; in post offices and police stations all across America.
gemini p You will become president of a fried chicken chain and hire eleven guys named Herb as secret spies.
gemini p You're going to stay out until all hours, go God-knows-where, and end up lying in a ditch somewhere.
gemini p Close friends will prove friendly before long. Don't be surprised if a congenial comrade responds to you in a pleasant and friendly way.
gemini p Large chunks streaking towards earth from outer space are aimed at the base of your skull. Avoid locations less than two miles underground this week.
gemini p You are about to experience the awe and mystery that reaches from the inner mind to the outer lobby.
gemini p You will have a nightmare in which Israel and Syria appear as guest stars on "Too Close For Comfort."
gemini p Food will provide comfort and solace to you during a forthcoming breakup. Choose wisely. Cannelloni is probably just about the right size.
gemini p Something will make an impression on you shortly. Beware of falling anvils, safes, and pianos. Speedy recoveries are unlikely.
sagittarius d Sagittarius is the ninth and longest-named sign of the Zodiac. Despite the fact that Sagittarians are idealistic, love education, and hopelessly optimistic, they're the least likely to successfully spell their own sign. Sagittarians are single-handedly responsible for the decline in SAT scores.
sagittarius d Sagittarius is the sign of the archer; it is associated with flying and journeys to distant lands. In fact, Sagittarians are enthusiastic travelers, eager for any chance to explore new terrain. However, it's the other signs of the Zodiac who are most grateful for the chance to have a Sagittarian go away somewhere, hopefully far away and permanently.
sagittarius d Words that typify the Sagittarius-born are: optimistic, generous, eager-to-please, exceptional, special, and different. Remember, the polite answer to "Oh my lord, what in the world is wrong with your baby?" is "It's a Sagittarius, and we couldn't be happier, thank you."
sagittarius d Sagittarians are idealistic, often to the point of fanaticism. Were it not for Sagittarians, many celebrities and politicians would still be alive today. But Sagittarians aren't likely to dwell on their moments of insanity, but rather to spend most of their time pointing out the shortcomings of others... as if to make their own faults appear less cataclysmic by comparison.
sagittarius d Sagittarians are those A-types who will stop at nothing to get their way, no matter how cruel or ruthless. Fortunately, new legislation requiring a seven-day waiting period before allowing Sagittarians to purchase certain items will help prevent many of those dreadful mistakes they're so apt to make.
sagittarius a Fear not. God is alive and well and autographing Bibles at B. Dalton's.
sagittarius a Don't give up on that home improvement project you started just because it seems extravagant. Many insurance companies will cover plastic surgery if your doctor prescribes it for your mental well-being.
sagittarius a This is an especially difficult period for you. Symptoms will be uncontrollable skin eruptions, 60-pound weight gain, painful uncontrollable flatulence, stupidity, and a drastic loss of self-esteem.
sagittarius a Don't ignore medical concerns. Have a doctor take a look at those cleft gonads.
sagittarius a Your current relationship, although physically satisfying, is one-sided and will ultimately prove unsatisfactory. Try switching hands.
sagittarius a Try to break that bad habit today. It's particularly disgusting, and you're becoming less and less able to camouflage it as a thoughtful "scratch your nose and stroke your bottom lip" gesture.
sagittarius a Spend much more time reading. You're beginning to assiquate your tenality with basic English.
sagittarius a If today is your birthday, you're pushy, obnoxious, frequently insensitive and tend to cut people's egos to ribbons without even realizing it. Happy Birthday!
sagittarius a Make allowances for other people's mistakes, no matter how grave. Look at what your parents got away with!
sagittarius a Increase your metaphysical position in the universe. Giving your body to someone on a higher spiritual plane (like, say, an astrologer) is the best way to reach new levels of Kharmic divinity. Heavenly bodies only. Send letter and photo c/o Sierra On-Line.
sagittarius p Your plans for a partnership will fall through. The size of your bribe is embarrassingly small. Try again when you can afford a whole Congressman.
sagittarius p This is not a good year for foreign investments. Actually, this is not a good year for investments. In fact, this is not a good year, period. This year sucks.
sagittarius p Family members will figure prominently for the next few weeks, especially those with prominent figures.
sagittarius p Farm animals will keep you on your toes this month. Consider elevator shoes.
sagittarius p Keeping your sanity should be your goal these days. Do something constructive. Quit work. Oh, you already have!
sagittarius p Household pets will prove useful next weekend. Try to keep an open mind. Remember, some cultures consider this a delicacy.
sagittarius p Total strangers will pop up in the most unexpected places. Don't be quick to judge. This may be an opportunity to live out your wildest fantasies.
sagittarius p You will develop several stress-related ailments, including ulcers, psoriasis, and hemorrhoids. You will add the words "Social Outcast" to your vocabulary.
sagittarius p Bodily fluids will play an important role. Aquarius holds sway over Sagittarius, meaning temporary water-weight gain, especially above the neck.
sagittarius p Sagittarius gently enters Virgo this month, and Gemini comes into your sphere and threatens to beat you up if you don't get your filthy hands off their sister.
%b 1 Fools and their money are soon elected.
%b 0 Every crusade winds up a racket.
%b 0 The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal.
%b 0 Plagiarize, plagiarize! That's why God made your eyes!
%b 0 "Better attitudes through chemistry." -- Lenny Bruce
%b 0 "Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes." -- Henry David Thoreau
%b 0 "Furious activity is no substitute for understanding." -- H. H. Williams
%b 0 "Genius is an infinite capacity for taking pains." -- Jane Ellice Hopkins
%b 1 "Love: two minds without a single thought." -- Philip Barry
%b 1 "It is much easier to be critical than to be correct." -- Benjamin Disraeli
%b 1 In a family argument, if it turns out you are right... apologize at once!
%b 1 "In America, an hour is about 40 minutes." -- German saying
%b 0 "A billion here, a billion there; pretty soon you're talking real money!" -- Everett Dirkson
%b 0 "A neighborhood is where, when you go out of it, you get beat up." -- Murray Kempton
%b 0 "A signature always reveals a man's character... and sometimes even his name." -- Evan Esar
%b 1 "All animals except man know that the principal business of life is to enjoy it." -- Samuel Butler
%b 0 A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. -- Josh Billings
%b 0 "All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure." -- Mark Twain
%b 0 "Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy." -- Charlie McCarthy
%b 1 "Amusement is the happiness of those who cannot think." -- Alexander Pope
%b 1 "An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered." -- G. K. Chesterson
%b 0 "An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do." -- Dylan Thomas
%b 1 "An egotist is a person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me." -- Ambrose Bierce
%b 0 Ventures go through six stages: Enthusiasm, Complication, Disillusionment, The Search for the Guilty, The Punishment of the Innocent, and Decoration of Those Who Did Nothing.
%b 1 "As a member of an escorted tour, you don't even have to know the Matterhorn isn't a tuba." -- Temple Fielding
%b 0 "As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality." -- Albert Einstein
%b 1 "As scarce as the truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand." -- Josh Billings
%b 0 "Bachelors know more about women than married men. If they didn't, they'd be married too." -- H. L. Mencken
%b 1 "Be like a postage stamp... stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings
%b 1 "Between two evils, I always pick the one I've never tried before." -- Mae West.
%b 1 "Blessed are they who have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded to say it." -- James Russell Lowell
%b 1 "Bourgeois morality is largely a system of making cheap virtues a cloak for expensive vices." -- George Bernard Shaw
%b 0 "By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher." -- Socrates
%b 0 "By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day." -- Robert Frost
%b 1 "California is a fine place to live... if you happen to be an orange." -- Fred Allen
%b 0 Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
%b 0 "Diplomacy is the art of saying `Nice doggie!' until you can find a rock." -- Will Rogers
%b 0 "Duct tape is like The Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together." -- Carl Zwanzig
%b 0 "Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one." -- Malcom S. Forbes
%b 1 "Electricity travels a foot in a nanosecond." -- Commodore Grace Murray Hopper
%b 0 "Eschew clever rules." -- Jon Condon, Bell Labs
%b 1 "Everything we call real is made of things that cannot be regarded as real." -- Neils Bohr
%b 0 "Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again." -- F. P. Jones
%b 1 "Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months." -- Oscar Wilde
%b 1 "Few people are successful unless a lot of other people want them to be." -- Charles Brower
%b 1 "Genius is perseverance in disguise." -- Mike Newlin
%b 0 "Give what you have. To someone it may be better than you dare to think." -- Longfellow
%b 0 Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment.
%b 1 "He that can have patience can have what he will." -- Benjamin Franklin
%b 0 Here's to our wives and sweethearts... may they never meet.
%b 0 "Horse sense is what a horse has which keeps it from betting on people." -- W. C. Fields
%b 0 "Human beings are the only animals of which I am thoroughly and cravenly afraid." -- George Bernard Shaw
%b 1 "Husbands are like fires; they go out when unattended." -- Zsa Zsa Gabor
%b 0 "I don't care what you say, women make the best wives." -- Dagwood Bumstead
%b 0 I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and watch it for hours.
%b 1 "I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent." -- Passionate Patti
%b 0 "I never met a man I didn't like." -- Will Rogers
%b 1 "I never met a man I didn't like." -- Mae West
%b 1 "I never met a man I didn't like." -- Passionate Patti
%b 0 "I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him." -- Mark Twain
%b 1 "I'd like to get married because I like the idea of a man being required by law to sleep with me every night." -- Carrie Snow
%b 1 "I'm a great believer in luck. The harder I work the more I have of it." -- Thomas Jefferson
%b 0 "I'm immortal... so far." -- Earle Robinson
%b 0 "I'm not an ambulance chaser. I'm usually there before the ambulance." -- Melvin Belli
%b 0 "I'm opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position." -- Mark Twain
%b 0 "If 50 million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." -- Anatole France
%b 1 "If a system doesn't have to be reliable, it can do anything else." -- H. H. Williams
%b 0 "If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will serve us right." -- Alistair Cooke.
%b 0 "If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race." -- Fred Allen
%b 0 "If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith." -- Albert Einstein
%b 0 "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." -- Ronald Reagan
%b 1 "If one does not fail at times, then one has not challenged himself." -- Dr. Porsche
%b 0 "If people really liked to work, we'd still be plowing the land with sticks and transporting goods on our backs." -- William Feather
%b 1 "If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder." -- Pope John Paul I
%b 1 "If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless manner, you have learned how to live." -- Lin Yutang
%b 0 "If you can't say something nice, say something surrealistic." -- Zippy the Pinhead
%b 0 "If you pick up a dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. And that is the principal difference between a dog and a man." -- Mark Twain
%b 1 "If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a restaurant." -- Snoopy
%b 1 If you took all the economists in the world and laid them end-to-end, it would be a pretty good idea.
%b 1 If you took all the economists in the world and laid them end-to-end, they couldn't reach a conclusion.
%b 0 "Ignorance doesn't kill you, but it makes you sweat a lot." -- Haitian Proverb
%b 0 "In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these." -- Paul Harvey
%b 1 "Injustice is relatively easy to bear; what stings is justice." -- H. L. Mencken
%b 0 "It is all right to hold a conversation but you should let go of it now and then." -- Richard Armour
%b 0 "It is bad luck to be superstitious." -- Andrew W. Mathis
%b 0 "It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid." -- George Bernard Shaw
%b 1 "It is in the ability to deceive oneself that the greatest talent is shown." -- Anatole France
%b 1 "It is more fun contemplating someone else's navel than your own." -- Arthur Hoppe
%b 0 "It is not only what we do, but also what we do not do for which we are accountable." -- Moliere
%b 1 "It is not enough to have a good mind. The main thing is to use it well." -- Descartes
%b 1 "It is the mark of the cultured man that he is aware of the fact that equality is an ethical and not a biological principle." -- Ashley Montagu
%b 0 "It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for." -- Will Rogers
%b 1 "Learning isn't a means to an end; it is an end in itself." -- Robert A. Heinlein
%b 1 "Life has a value only when it has something valuable as its object." -- Hegel
%b 0 "Man is the only animal that blushes... or needs to." -- Mark Twain
%b 0 "Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly." -- Voltaire
%b 1 "Memory is a crazy woman that hoards colored rags and throws away food." -- Austin O'Malley
%b 0 "Mental health problems do not affect three or four out of every five persons, but one out of every one." -- Dr. Karl Menninger
%b 0 "My parents put a live teddy bear in my crib." -- Woody Allen
%b 0 "My toughest fight was with my first wife." -- Muhammad Ali
%b 1 "Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams." -- Mary Ellen Kelly
%b 1 "Never face facts; if you do, you'll never get up in the morning." -- Marlo Thomas
%b 1 "Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth." -- Erma Bombeck
%b 0 Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
%b 0 "Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity." -- General George S. Patton
%b 0 "Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal." -- Leo Tolstoy
%b 1 No individual raindrop ever considers itself responsible for the flood.
%b 0 "No man can think clearly when his fists are clenched." -- George Hean Nathan
%b 0 "No man would listen to you if he didn't know it was his turn next." -- Ed Howe
%b 0 "No one ever listened himself out of a job." -- Calvin Coolidge
%b 0 "Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet." -- Kin Hubbard
%b 1 "Not only is the Universe stranger than we think, it is stranger than we CAN think." -- Werner Heisenberg
%b 0 "Nothing can bring you peace but yourself." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%b 0 "Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%b 0 "Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself." -- A. H. Weiler
%b 1 "Oh, bother!" -- A. A. Milne
%b 1 "Oh, what tangled webs we weave, when we first practice to deceive." -- Sir Walter Scott
%b 1 "One function of diplomacy is to dress realism in morality." -- Will and Ariel Durant
%b 0 "One person's constant is another person's variable." -- Susan Gerhart
%b 1 "Originality is the art of concealing your source." -- Franklin P. Jones
%b 1 "Our bodies are our gardens, to which our wills are gardeners." -- William Shakespeare
%b 0 "Personally, I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught." -- Winston Churchill
%b 0 "Plato was a bore." -- Friedrich Nietzsche
%b 0 "Poets, we know, are very sensitive people, and in my observation, one of the things they are most sensitive about is cash." -- Robert Penn Warren
%b 1 "Power doesn't corrupt people, people corrupt power." -- William Gaddis
%b 0 Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
%b 0 "Promise, large promise, is the soul of an advertisement." -- Samuel Johnson
%b 1 "Read the best books first or you may not have a chance to read them at all." -- Henry David Thoreau
%b 0 "Revelation is always measured by capacity." -- Margaret Fairless Barber
%b 0 "Rosebud!" -- Charles Foster Kane
%b 1 "Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn." -- Garrison Kiellor
%b 1 Sex is natural, but not if it's done right.
%b 1 When sex is good, it's wonderful; and when it's bad, it's still pretty damned good!
%b 0 Show me a good loser and I'll show you a loser.
%b 1 "Silence is argument carried on by other means." -- "Che" Guevara
%b 1 "Success is the one unpardonable sin against one's fellows." -- Ambrose Bierce
%b 0 90% of all software is crap. Of course, 90% of everything is crap.
%b 0 "Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal." -- Albert Einstein
%b 1 "Television is democracy at its ugliest." -- Paddy Chayevsky
%b 1 "Of all the games, in all the computers, in all the world... you had to walk into mine!" -- Passionate Patti
%b 0 "Of all the joints, in all the towns, in all the world... you had to walk into mine!" -- Rick
%b 0 "We'll always have Paris." -- Rick
%b 0 "Play it, Sam; play `As Time Goes By!'" -- Rick
%b 0 "Only the mediocre are always at their best." -- Stu Smalley
%b 0 "The attempt to understand the universe is one of the only things that elevates the human condition from farce to the elegance of tragedy." -- Steven Weinberg
%b 0 "The best cure for insomnia is a Monday morning." -- Sandy Cooley
%b 0 The best revenge is to live long enough to be a problem to your children.
%b 0 "Remember: I'm with you, win or tie!" -- Floyd B. Buchanan
%b 1 "The command `Be fruitful and multiply' was promulgated, according to our authorities, when the world's population consisted of two persons." -- Dean William R. Inge
%b 1 "The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for people to eat." -- John McNulty
%b 0 "The difference between a mountain and a molehill is your perspective." -- Al Neuharth
%b 1 "The dinosaurs's eloquent lesson is that if some bigness is good, an overabundance of bigness is not necessarily better." -- Eric Johnston
%b 0 "The entire sum of existence is the magic of being needed by just one person." -- Vii Putnam
%b 0 "The greater the number of laws and enactments, the more thieves and robbers there will be." -- Lao-tzu
%b 1 "The groundwork of all happiness is health." -- Leigh Hunt
%b 1 "The highest happiness of man is to have probed what is knowable and quietly to revere what is unknowable." -- Goethe
%b 1 "The life which is unexamined is not worth living." -- Plato
%b 0 "The most important difference between business and academia is this: in business, everything is dog eat dog. In academia, it is just the reverse." -- E. John Rosenwald, Jr.
%b 0 "The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory." -- Paul Fix
%b 0 "The past does not repeat itself, but it rhymes." -- Mark Twain
%b 1 "The right to do something does not mean that doing it is right." -- William Safire
%b 0 "The rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage." -- Mark Russell
%b 0 "A taxpayer is someone who works for the government but doesn't have to take a civil service exam." -- Ronald Reagan
%b 1 "The trouble with a kitten is that eventually it becomes a cat." -- Ogden Nash
%b 0 "The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again." -- George Miller
%b 1 "The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning, you're on the job." -- Lena Horne
%b 0 "The truth is more important than the facts." -- Frank Lloyd Wright
%b 1 "The two most beautiful words in the English language are `Check Enclosed.'" -- Dorothy Parker
%b 0 "The years teach us much the days never knew." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%b 1 There are more important things in life than a little money. One of them is a lot of money.
%b 0 "There are only two ways of telling the complete truth: anonymously and posthumously." -- Thomas Sowell
%b 1 "There is not money in poetry, but then there is not poetry in money, either." -- Robert Graves
%b 0 "There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result." -- Winston Churchill
%b 0 "There is no future in any job. The future lies in the man who holds the job." -- Dr. George Crane
%b 0 "There is no stronger craving in the world than that of the rich for titles, except that of the titled for riches." -- Hesketh Pearson
%b 1 "There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about." -- Oscar Wilde
%b 0 "In the future, everyone will be famous for 15 minutes." -- Andy Warhol
%b 1 "There is only one thing that can keep growing without nourishment: the human ego." -- Marshall Lumsden
%b 0 "There is only one thing about which I am certain, and that is that there is very little about which one can be certain." -- W. Somerset Maugham
%b 0 "There's a sucker born every minute... and two more born to take him!" -- P. T. Barnum
%b 1 "They are able because they think they are able." -- Virgil
%b 0 "Those who are at war with others are not at peace with themselves." -- William Hazlitt
%b 0 "Those who are not shocked when they first come across quantum theory, cannot possibly have understood it." -- Neils Bohr
%b 1 "Those who flee temptation generally leave a forwarding address." -- Lane Olinghouse
%b 0 "Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana." -- Groucho Marx
%b 0 "Time is the image of eternity." -- Diogenes
%b 1 "Trifles make perfection and perfection is no trifle." -- Michelangelo
%b 1 "Trying to squash a rumor is like trying to un-ring a bell." -- Shana Alexander
%b 0 It is better to burn out than to rust out!
%b 0 "Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent." -- Salvador Hardin
%b 1 "Wagner's music is better than it sounds." -- Mark Twain
%b 0 "We didn't inherit the land from our fathers. We are borrowing it from our children." -- Amish saying
%b 0 "We have met the enemy and he is us." -- Walt Kelly
%b 0 "We may not imagine how our lives could be more frustrating and complex... but Congress can." -- Cullen Hightower
%b 0 "What a beautiful fix we are in now; peace has been declared." -- Napolean Bonaparte
%b 0 "What we love we shall grow to resemble." -- Bernard of Clairvaux
%b 1 "When a man's willing and eager, the gods join in." -- Aeschylus
%b 0 "When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before the white man came, an Indian said simply, `Ours.'" -- Vine Deloria, Jr.
%b 0 When in doubt, use brute force.
%b 0 When in doubt, duck.
%b 1 "When you consider what a chance women have to poison their husbands, it's a wonder there isn't more of it done." -- Kin Hubbard
%b 1 "Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I never tried." -- Mae West
%b 1 "Women speak two languages, one of which is verbal." -- Steve Rubenstein
%b 1 "Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition." -- Timothy Leary
%b 1 "Words are loaded pistols." -- Jean-Paul Sartre
%b 0 "You are not thinking. You are merely being logical." -- Neils Bohr to Einstein
%b 1 "You can pick out actors by the glazed look that comes into their eyes when the conversation wanders away from themselves." -- Michael Wilding
%b 0 "You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus." -- Mark Twain
%b 0 "You can't use tact with a Congressman. A Congressman is a hog. You must take a stick and hit him on the snout." -- Henry Adams
%b 0 "You don't have to suffer to be a poet. Adolescence is enough suffering for anyone." -- John Ciardi
%b 1 "You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap." -- Dolly Parton
%b 1 "Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house." -- Henny Youngman
%b 1 A closed mouth gathers no foot.
%b 0 A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
%b 0 A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
%b 0 A wise man can see more from a mountain top than a fool can from the bottom of a well.
%b 1 Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
%b 1 Admiration is our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
%b 1 "After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist said to me, `Maybe life isn't for everyone.'" -- Larry Brown
%b 1 An adult is someone old enough to know better.
%b 0 An authority is somebody who can tell you more about something than you really care to know.
%b 0 An honest politician is one who, when bought, stays bought.
%b 0 An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
%b 0 Antonym: the opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
%b 0 Any given program, once running, is obsolete.
%b 0 Any given program will expand to fill all available resources.
%b 0 Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
%b 1 Be self-reliant and your success is assured.
%b 1 Bedfellows make strange politicians.
%b 1 Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
%b 1 Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.
%b 1 Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment.
%b 1 Brain: the apparatus with which we think we think.
%b 0 By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
%b 0 Bye's First Law of Model Railroading: anytime you demonstrate something, the number of faults is proportional to the number of viewers.
%b 0 Cabbage: a familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.
%b 0 Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected; carefully planned projects only twice as long.
%b 0 Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
%b 0 Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.
%b 0 Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.
%b 0 Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
%b 1 If you do something which you are sure will meet with everyone's approval, somebody won't like it.
%b 0 If you explain so clearly that no one can misunderstand, somebody will.
%b 1 Collaboration: a literary partnership based on the false assumption that the other fellow can spell.
%b 1 Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking.
%b 1 Conversation enriches the understanding, but solitude is the soul of genius.
%b 1 Conversation: a vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.
%b 0 Coward: one who, in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs.
%b 0 Cynic: one who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.
%b 0 Dawn: the time when men of reason go to bed.
%b 0 Deliberation: the act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.
%b 1 Do not clog intellect's sluices with knowledge of questionable uses.
%b 1 Do not worry about whether or not the sun will shine. Just be prepared to enjoy it.
%b 0 When all else fails, read the instructions.
%b 0 Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted.
%b 0 Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
%b 0 Don't force it. Get a bigger hammer.
%b 0 Don't get yourself involved with persons or situations that can't bear inspection.
%b 1 Don't hate yourself in the morning... sleep till noon.
%b 0 Don't keep doing what doesn't work.
%b 0 Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
%b 0 Don't try to have the last word. You might get it.
%b 1 Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
%b 1 Don't wrestle a pig in a mud hole. You both get all dirty, and the pig enjoys it.
%b 0 Down with categorical imperatives!
%b 0 Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders has been discontinued.
%b 0 Economy makes men independent.
%b 0 Even if the story isn't true, it does have a grain of sense and instruction to it, and it's entertaining as well, so it's worth the telling.
%b 0 Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion.
%b 0 Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark.
%b 1 Every purchase has its price.
%b 0 Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success.
%b 1 Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgment.
%b 1 Everything bows to success, even grammar.
%b 1 Expertise in one field does not carry over into other fields. But experts often think so.
%b 1 Faith goes out the window when beauty comes in the door.
%b 0 Familiarity breeds attempt.
%b 0 Familiarity breeds.
%b 1 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
%b 0 Once a job is messed up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
%b 0 The correct advice is to give the advice that is desired.
%b 1 Fortune truly helps those who are of good judgment.
%b 0 From listening comes wisdom; from speaking, repentance.
%b 0 Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.
%b 1 God gives us relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.
%b 0 The probability of anything happening is inversely proportional to its desirability.
%b 1 Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion.
%b 0 He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
%b 1 He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
%b 0 He who falls in love with himself will have no rivals.
%b 0 He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
%b 0 He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
%b 1 Hindsight is an exact science.
%b 1 Hindsight is 20-20.
%b 1 History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.
%b 1 History doesn't repeat itself. Historians repeat each other.
%b 0 I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
%b 0 Idleness is the holiday of fools.
%b 0 If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
%b 0 If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
%b 0 If at first you don't succeed, give up. What's the use of being a damn fool?
%b 0 If at first you don't succeed, try something else.
%b 0 If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
%b 0 If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed.
%b 1 If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it.
%b 1 If you continually give, you will continually have.
%b 0 If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think they'll hate you.
%b 0 If you suspect a man, don't employ him.
%b 0 If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.
%b 1 If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.
%b 1 "In case of fire, break glass."
%b 0 Ingrate: a man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion.
%b 0 It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.
%b 1 It is better to have loved and lost than to have hated and won.
%b 1 It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
%b 0 It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love.
%b 0 It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.
%b 0 It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
%b 0 It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
%b 1 "A fool and his money can go out with me!" -- Passionate Patti
%b 0 It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.
%b 1 It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.
%b 0 It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder.
%b 1 It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
%b 1 It's always easy to see both sides of an issue we are not particularly concerned about.
%b 0 It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
%b 0 It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
%b 0 Don't believe everything you believe.
%b 0 Things can only get better.
%b 0 It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.
%b 1 Jargon is used as a means of succeeding by not simplifying.
%b 0 Friends may come and friends may go, but enemies accumulate.
%b 0 Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
%b 0 Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.
%b 0 Justice: a decision in your favor.
%b 1 Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
%b 1 Lie: a very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date.
%b 1 Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find there is nothing in it.
%b 1 When it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not to make a decision.
%b 1 Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
%b 1 Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.
%b 0 Many a family tree needs trimming.
%b 0 Menu: a list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
%b 0 Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
%b 0 Misfortune: the kind of fortune that never misses.
%b 1 Mistakes are oft the stepping stones to failure.
%b 1 Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship.
%b 0 "Money is the root of all evil... and a man needs roots!" Larry Laffer
%b 0 Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.
%b 0 Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love.
%b 1 "I've been rich and I've been poor. Rich is better!"
%b 0 Design before you implement.
%b 0 "Morality is a disease which progresses in three stages: virtue, boredom, syphilis." -- Karl Kraus
%b 1 Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one.
%b 1 Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
%b 0 Never put off until tomorrow that which you can avoid completely.
%b 0 Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.
%b 1 Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
%b 1 No generalization is true... including this one.
%b 0 Nostalgia just ain't what it used to be.
%b 1 Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
%b 1 Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses lamp posts... for support rather than illumination.
%b 1 Old men are fond of giving good advice to console themselves for their inability to give bad examples.
%b 0 Only a sadistic scoundrel (or a fool) tells the bald truth on social occasions.
%b 1 Organization is the enemy of improvisation.
%b 1 People who don't know what they want are willing to go through hell to get it.
%b 0 Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.
%b 1 Expenditures rise to meet income.
%b 0 Patience is something that you admire greatly in the driver behind you but not in the one ahead of you.
%b 0 People who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them.
%b 1 Plagiarism is the sincerest form of flattery.
%b 1 Predestination was doomed from the start.
%b 1 Preserve the old, but know the new.
%b 0 Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
%b 0 A program's complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.
%b 1 Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.
%b 1 Proper treatment can cure a cold in seven days... but left to itself it'll hang on for a week.
%b 1 Pros are people who do jobs well even when they don't feel like it.
%b 0 Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth.
%b 0 Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.
%b 1 Remember that two wrongs do not make a right... but three lefts do.
%b 0 Remember, even if you win the rat race... you're still a rat.
%b 0 Reputation: what others are not thinking about you.
%b 0 Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
%b 0 It works better if you plug it in.
%b 1 The chief cause of problems is solutions.
%b 1 The length of a meeting rises with the square of the number of people present.
%b 1 Shared pain is lessened; shared joy is increased.
%b 1 Success isn't how far you got, but the distance you traveled from where you started.
%b 1 Nothing can be both completely general and internally consistent at the same time.
%b 1 Tact is rubbing out another's mistake instead or rubbing it in.
%b 1 Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.
%b 0 The afternoon is that part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.
%b 0 The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
%b 1 The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
%b 1 The best prophet of the future is the past.
%b 0 The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
%b 1 The biggest mistake that you can make is to believe that you are working for somebody else.
%b 1 The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature is to build better mice.
%b 0 Objects will fall so as to do the most damage.
%b 0 The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.
%b 1 The only rose without thorns is friendship.
%b 0 The person who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
%b 1 The plural of spouse is spice.
%b 0 The probability of someone watching you is proportionate to the stupidity of your action.
%b 0 The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
%b 1 The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. And vice versa.
%b 0 The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
%b 0 The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start with a large fortune.
%b 1 The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
%b 0 There are few people more often in the wrong than those who cannot endure to be thought so.
%b 0 There are more old drunks than old doctors.
%b 0 There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
%b 0 There's always one more bug.
%b 1 There's at least one fool in every married couple.
%b 1 Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
%b 1 Those of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do.
%b 0 Tilting at windmills hurts you more than the windmills.
%b 0 Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
%b 0 "You can't have everything. Where would you put it?" -- Steven Wright
%b 1 To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
%b 1 To refuse praise is to seek praise twice.
%b 1 Two wrongs do not make a right: it usually takes three or more.
%b 0 We are tied down to a language which makes up in obscurity what it lacks in style.
%b 1 We prefer to speak evil of ourselves than not speak of ourselves at all.
%b 0 We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears.
%b 0 We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us.
%b 0 Estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by 2, add 3, and change the unit of measure to the next higher unit.
%b 0 What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us is that they think themselves cleverer than we are.
%b 0 What no spouse of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window.
%b 1 What orators lack in depth they make up in length.
%b 1 What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing more than man's transparency.
%b 1 When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.
%b 0 When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
%b 0 When you become used to never being alone, you may consider yourself Americanized.
%b 0 Inflation: when you save for a long time to buy something, then find you can't afford it.
%b 0 When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the impression you will make.
%b 0 When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
%b 0 Why can't life's big problems come when we are twenty and know everything?
%b 1 With clothes, the new are best; with friends, the old are best.
%b 0 Without fools there would be no wisdom.
%b 0 Words must be weighed, not counted.
%b 1 Yield to temptation, for it may not pass your way again.
%b 0 You can go wrong by being too skeptical as readily as by being too trusting.
%b 0 You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
%b 1 You live and you learn... or you don't live long.
%b 1 186,000 miles per second: it's not just a good idea, it's the law!
%b 0 You can pick your friends; you can pick your nose; but you can't pick your friend's nose!
%b 1 "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal!" -- Passionate Patti
%b 0 Real men don't make printouts!
%b 0 Real men write in Assembler!
%b 0 Real men don't use G.U.I.'s!
%b 0 "That's not a good idea, but it's AN idea!" -- Carlos Escobar
%b 0 "That's AN idea!" -- Carlos Escobar
%b 0 "The measure of success is not whether you have a tough problem to deal with, but whether it's the same problem you had last year." -- John Foster Dulles
%b 1 "A hard man is good to find." -- Passionate Patti
%b 1 "It's not how long you make it, it's how you make it long!" -- 50's cigarette ad
%b 0 "Say you were an idiot. And, say you were elected to Congress. But, I repeat myself." -- Mark Twain
%b 0 Never take crap from an inanimate object!
%b 0 "It ain't over till it's over!" -- Yogi Berra
%b 0 "I would never consider joining any club that would have me for a member." -- Groucho Marx
%b 0 "If I only had a brain." -- Scarecrow
%b 0 "Eat my shorts!" -- B. Simpson
%b 0 "A true professional in any field is a joy to behold!" -- Charlie Brown
%b 0 "For a fat girl, you sure don't sweat much!" -- Larry Laffer
%b 0 "And that's the way it is." -- Walter Cronkite
%b 0 "I am not a crook." -- Richard M. Nixon
%b 0 "Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known." -- Garrison Keillor
%b 1 "You live in a deranged age, more deranged that usual, because in spite of great scientific and technological advances, man has not the faintest idea of who he is or what he is doing." -- Walker Percy
%b 0 Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about how hot it was!
%b 0 Nothing is so simple it can't be screwed up.
%b 0 Everything takes longer than you thought.
%b 1 Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.
%b 1 Caution: objects under T-shirt are larger than they appear.
%b 0 Remember: all this is done with ones and zeros!
%b 0 Do Chernobyl cats have 18 half-lives?
%b 0 Virtue is its own punishment.
%b 1 "Clean your room." -- Mom
%b 0 The Mother's Curse: "Someday I hope your children do to you exactly what you're doing to me!"
%b 1 "The length of your education is less important than its breadth, and the length of your life is less important than its depth." -- Marilyn vos Savant
%b 0 An intellectual is a person who always spells a word the same way.
%b 0 The main difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress convenes.
%b 1 It's easier to get forgiveness than permission.
%b 0 Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.
%b 1 "Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open." -- Sir James Dewar
%b 1 Talent recognizes genius; mediocrity recognizes nothing greater than itself.
%b 1 "The brain is as strong as its weakest think." -- Eleanor Doan
%b 0 The chance of being observed is proportional to the stupidity of your actions.
%b 0 The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.
%b 0 "The real danger is not that computers will begin to think like men, but that men will begin to think like computers." -- Sydney J. Harris
%b 0 "This is the only country where failing to promote yourself is widely regarded as being arrogant." -- Trudeau
%b 0 "To do is to be." -- Nietzsche "To be is to do." -- Sartre "Do be do be do." -- Sinatra
%b 1 "Trying to be Miss Perfect has been a tremendous burden." -- Brooke Shields
%b 0 "We begin bombing in five minutes." -- Reagan
%b 0 "What's another word for `thesaurus?'" -- Steven Wright
%b 1 Nobody is ever old enough to know better.
%b 0 "The rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage." -- Mark Russell
%b 0 "I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody's." -- Woody Allen
%b 0 "You call this a script? Give me a couple of $5,000-dollar-a-week writers and I'll write it myself." -- movie producer Joe Pasternak
%b 0 "Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest." -- Professor Irwin Cory
%b 1 I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
%b 0 "Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult." -- Actor Edmund Gwenn on his deathbed
%b 0 "What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke." -- Steve Martin
%b 1 "Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult." -- Charlotte Whitton
%b 1 "Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop." -- Unknown
%b 0 "War is a series of catastrophes that results in a victory." -- Georges Clemenceau
%b 1 "You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake." -- Jeannette Rankin
%b 0 "I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the whole field to private industry." -- Joseph Heller
%b 0 "The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his." -- General George Patton
%b 0 "You can't say civilization doesn't advance. In every war they kill you a new way." -- Will Rogers
%b 0 Join the army. See the world. Meet interesting people. Kill them.
%b 0 "Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision." -- Blake Clark
%b 0 "Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics." -- Fletcher Knebel
%b 0 "The trouble with life in the fast lane is that you get to the other end in an awful hurry." -- John Jensen
%b 1 "It is not true that life is one damn thing after another, it is one damn thing over and over." -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
%b 0 "France is a country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the toilet paper." -- Billy Wilder
%b 0 Canada is so square even the female impersonators are women.
%b 0 "Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call." -- Richard Lewis
%b 0 "New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move." -- David Letterman
%b 0 Schizophrenia beats dining alone.
%b 0 "Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure." -- Oliver Herford
%b 0 "Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good." -- Samuel Johnson
%b 0 "The covers of this book are too far apart." -- Ambrose Bierce
%b 0 "Journalism largely consists in saying, `Lord Jones is dead,' to people who never knew Lord Jones was alive." -- G. K. Chesterton
%b 0 "There is so much to be said in favor of modern journalism. By giving us the opinions of the uneducated it keeps us in touch with ignorance of the community." -- Oscar Wilde
%b 0 "Most writers regard the truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are most economical in its use." -- Mark Twain
%b 0 "Writing is the only profession in which one can make no money without being ridiculous." -- Jules Renard
%b 0 "Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a best-seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher." -- Flannery O'Connor
%b 0 "Great Moments in Literature: in 1936, Ernest Hemingway, while trout fishing, caught a carp and decided not to write about it." -- Guindon cartoon caption
%b 0 "Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp post how it feels about dogs." -- Christopher Hampton
%b 0 "Immature poets imitate; mature poets steal." -- T. S. Eliot
%b 0 "Good swiping is an art in itself." -- Jules Feiffer
%b 1 "No statue has ever been put up to a critic." -- Jean Sibelius
%b 1 "Hell is full of musical amateurs." -- George Bernard Shaw
%b 1 Use an accordion, go to jail!
%b 0 "You can make a killing as a playwright in America, but you can't make a living." -- Sherwood Anderson
%b 1 "Actresses will happen in the best regulated families." -- Oliver Herford
%b 1 "Working in the theater has a lot in common with unemployment." -- Arthur Gingold
%b 1 "It's always easier to see a show you don't like a second time because you know it ends." -- Walter Slezak
%b 1 "A critic is a man who knows the way but can't drive the car." -- Kenneth Tynan
%b 1 "Hollywood is a place where they place you under contract instead of under observation." -- Walter Winchell
%b 0 "The Hollywood tradition I like best is called `sucking up to the stars.'" -- Johnny Carson
%b 0 "`Hello,' he lied." -- Don Carpenter quoting a Hollywood agent
%b 1 "An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer." -- Fred Allen
%b 0 The dead actor requested in his will that his body be cremated and ten percent of his ashes thrown in his agent's face.
%b 1 "Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other." -- Ann Landers
%b 0 "Television is a medium because anything well done is rare." -- Fred Allen
%b 0 "Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function." -- Garrison Keillor
%b 0 Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd.
%b 0 "Ronald Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he would have lost." -- Mort Sahl
%b 0 "Get all the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything." -- Frank Dane
%b 0 If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal.
%b 0 "I might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a Congressman." -- Will Rogers
%b 0 "A statesman is a politician who has been dead ten or fifteen years." -- Harry S Truman
%b 0 "Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made." -- Otto von Bismarck
%b 0 "It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose." -- Darin Weinberg
%b 0 "If we see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of an oncoming train." -- Robert Lowell
%b 0 "Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone." -- Tommy Cooper
%b 0 "The more he talked of his honor, the faster we counted our spoons." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%b 0 "If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything." -- Mark Twain
%b 0 "Winter is nature's way of saying, `Up yours!'" -- Robert Byrne
%b 0 "If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?" -- Abraham Lincoln
%b 0 "Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in." -- Evan Davis
%b 0 "Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." -- Will Rogers
%b 0 "Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level." -- Quinten Crisp
%b 1 People who think they know everything are very irritating to those of us who do.
%b 0 "When the going gets tough, the smart get lost." -- Robert Byrne
%b 0 "I shot an arrow into the air and it stuck." -- Los Angeles graffito
%b 0 "Either this wallpaper goes or I do." -- not the last words of Oscar Wilde
%b 0 "I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place." -- Stephen Wright
%b 0 "God help those who do not help themselves." -- Wilson Mizner
%b 0 "Stay with me; I want to be alone." -- Joey Adams
%b 0 "We are what we pretend to be." -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
%b 1 The gods love heroes, but they also enjoy a good laugh. Think about it!
%b 0 "Reality is understandable and acceptable only as long as there is a sufficient quantity of milk in the fridge." -- Maxwell T. Renfield
%b 0 When the going gets tough... the tough get weird.
%b 0 Earthquakes Don't Kill People, Crumbling Buildings Kill People!
%b 0 Guns Don't Kill People, Bullets Kill People!
%b 0 Guns Don't Kill People, Flies Make Garbage!
%b 0 "Admiration: our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves." -- Ambrose Bierce
%b 0 "Advertising may be described as the science of arresting human intelligence long enough to get money from it." -- Stephen Leacock
%b 0 "Advertising is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission." -- Fred Allen
%b 0 "Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless." -- Sinclair Lewis
%b 0 "Advertising is legalized lying." -- H. G. Wells
%b 0 "Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash." -- P. G. Wodehouse
%b 1 "Every major horror of history was committed in the name of an altruistic motive. Has any act of selfishness ever equaled the carnage perpetrated by disciples of altruism?" -- Ayan Rand
%b 0 "In our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either." -- Mark Twain
%b 1 "In America sex is an obsession, in other parts of the world it is a fact." -- Marlene Dietrich
%b 0 "The discovery of America was the occasion of the greatest outburst of cruelty and reckless greed known in history." -- Joseph Conrad
%b 0 "Animals have these advantages over man: they have no theologians to instruct them, their funerals cost them nothing, and no one starts lawsuits over their wills." -- Voltaire
%b 0 "There is no underestimating the intelligence of the American public." -- H. L. Mencken
%b 0 "Democracy is the art of running the circus from the monkey cage." -- H. L. Mencken
%b 0 "The trouble with New York is that it has no nationality at all. It is simply a sort of free port... a place where the raw materials of civilization are received, sorted out, and sent further on." -- H. L. Mencken
%b 0 "Texas is the place where there are the most cows and the least milk and the most rivers and the least water in them, and where you can look the farthest and see the least." -- H. L. Mencken
%b 0 "Baseball has the great advantage over cricket of being sooner ended." -- George Bernard Shaw
%b 0 "No one recovers from the disease of being born; a deadly wound if there ever was one." -- E. M. Cioran
%b 0 "It's silly to go on pretending that under the skin we are all brothers. The truth is more likely that under the skin we are all cannibals, assassins, traitors, liars and hypocrites." -- Henry Miller
%b 0 "Bureaucracy is a giant mechanism operated by pygmies." -- Honore' De Balzac
%b 1 "Chastity: the most unnatural of the sexual perversions." -- Aldous Huxley
%b 1 "Chastity always takes its toll. In some it produces pimples; in others, sex laws." -- Karl Kraus
%b 0 "One of the serious obstacles to the improvement of our race is indiscriminate charity." -- Andrew Carnegie
%b 0 "Chess is a foolish expedient for making idle people believe they are doing something very clever when they are only wasting their time." -- George Bernard Shaw
%b 0 "Chess is as elaborate a waste of human intelligence as you can find outside an advertising agency." -- Raymond Chandler
%b 0 "There are three terrible ages of childhood... 1 to 10, 10 to 20, and 20 to 30." -- Cleveland Amory
%b 0 "The secret of dealing successfully with a child is not to be its parent." -- Mell Lazarus
%b 1 "The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant... and let the air out of the tires." -- Dorothy Parker
%b 0 "A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%b 0 "We are given children to test us and make us more spiritual." -- George F. Will
%b 0 "Communism is like one big phone company." -- Lenny Bruce
%b 0 "It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctively native American criminal class... except Congress." -- Mark Twain
%b 0 "Conservative: a statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from a liberal, who wishes to replace them with others." -- Ambrose Bierce
%b 0 "Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative." -- Oscar Wilde
%b 0 "Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies." -- Nietzsche
%b 0 "Corporation: an ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility." -- Ambrose Bierce
%b 0 "Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves." -- Brendan Behan
%b 1 "Critics are a dissembling, dishonest, contemptible race. Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a fire plug what it feels about dogs." -- John Osborne
%b 0 "The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw
%b 0 "Democracy encourages the majority to decide things about which the majority is blissfully ignorant." -- John Simon
%b 0 "The substitution of election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few properly describes the institution of Democracy." -- George Bernard Shaw
%b 0 "Democracy becomes a government of bullies, barely tempered by editors." -- Laurence J. Peters
%b 0 "One of the most common of all diseases is diagnosis." -- Karl Kraus
%b 1 "Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too." -- Anton Chekhov
%b 1 "Men are born ignorant, not stupid; they are made stupid by education." -- Bertrand Russell
%b 1 "We are shut up in schools and college recitation rooms for ten or fifteen years, and come out at last with a belly full of words and do not know a thing." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%b 1 "Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade of prejudices." -- Laurence J. Peter
%b 0 "Equality may perhaps be a right, but no power on earth can ever turn it into a fact." -- Honore de Balzac
%b 1 "We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience." -- Oscar Wilde
%b 0 "No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend." -- Groucho Marx
%b 0 "Faith: belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel." -- Ambrose Bierce
%b 0 "Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable." -- H. L. Mencken
%b 0 "A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything." -- Nietzsche
%b 0 "The most common of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind." -- H. L. Mencken
%b 0 "When I can no longer bear to think of the victims of broken homes, I begin to think of the victims of intact ones." -- Peter DeVries
%b 0 "Always forgive your enemies... nothing annoys them so much." -- Oscar Wilde
%b 0 "What I gained by being in France was learning to be better satisfied with my own country." -- Samuel Johnson
%b 0 "When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other." -- Eric Hoffer
%b 0 "Friendship is a very taxing and arduous form of leisure activity." -- Mortimer Adler
%b 0 "If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stomping on a human face... forever." -- George Orwell
%b 1 "When a true genius appears in the world you may know him by this sign: that all the dunces are in confederacy against him." -- Jonathon Swift
%b 1 "Gentility is what is left over from rich ancestors after the money is gone." -- John Ciardi
%b 0 "The only excuse for God is that he doesn't exist." -- Stendhal
%b 0 "It takes a long while for a naturally trustful person to reconcile himself to the idea that after all God will not help him." -- H. L. Mencken
%b 1 "On the whole, human beings want to be good, but not too good and not quite all the time." -- George Orwell
%b 1 "Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example." -- Mark Twain
%b 1 "A government is the only known vessel that leaks from the top." -- James Reston
%b 0 "In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money as possible from one class of the citizens to give to the other." -- Voltaire
%b 0 "Gratitude is merely the secret hope of further favors." -- Anonymous
%b 0 "History is a set of lies agreed upon." -- Napoleon Bonaparte
%b 0 "History repeats itself; that's one of the things that's wrong with history." -- Clarence Darrow
%b 0 "We learn from history that we do not learn from history." -- G. F. Wilhelm Hegel
%b 0 "On the whole history tends to be rather poor fiction... except at its best." -- Gore Vidal
%b 1 "An historian is nothing more than an unsuccessful novelist." -- H. L. Mencken
%b 1 "History would be a wonderful thing... if only it were true." -- H. L. Mencken
%b 0 "Holidays are an expensive trial of strength. The only satisfaction comes from survival." -- Jonathan Miller
%b 1 "There are times when you have to choose between being human and having good taste." -- Bertoldt Brecht
%b 0 "No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself on the grounds that it was human nature." -- A. A. Milne
%b 1 "The chief obstacle to the progress of the human race is the human race." -- Don Marquis
%b 0 "Humility is no substitute for a good personality." -- Fran Lebowitz
%b 0 "The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun." -- P. G. Wodehouse
%b 1 "A husband is what's left of the lover once the nerve has been extracted." -- Helen Rowland
%b 0 "I showed my appreciation of my native land in the usual Irish way: by getting out of it as soon as I possibly could." -- George Bernard Shaw
%b 0 "The Irish are a fair people... they never speak well of one another." -- Samuel Johnson
%b 0 "Justice: a commodity which in a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service." -- Ambrose Bierce
%b 0 "Lawyer: one skilled in the circumvention of the law." -- Ambrose Bierce
%b 0 "Lawyer: one who protects us against robbery by taking away the temptation." -- H. L. Mencken
%b 1 "If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers?" -- Calvin Trillin
%b 0 "Lawyers are operators of the toll bridge which anyone in search of justice must cross." -- Jane Bryant Quinn
%b 0 "Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired." -- Jules Renard
%b 0 "It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless of course, you are an exceptionally good liar." -- Jerome K. Jerome
%b 0 "The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them." -- Lenny Bruce
%b 0 "Liberal: a power worshipper without power." -- George Orwell
%b 0 "A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment." -- Willis Player
%b 1 "A liberal is a man too broad-minded to take his own side in a quarrel." -- Robert Frost
%b 0 "Liberty means responsibility; that is why most men dread it." -- George Bernard Shaw
%b 0 "Liberty doesn't work as well in practice as it does in speeches." -- Will Rogers
%b 0 "Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh." -- George Bernard Shaw
%b 1 "Life is not so bad if you have plenty of lunch, a good physique and not too much imagination." -- Christopher Isherwood
%b 1 "Love is the most subtle form of self-interest." -- Holbrook Jackson
%b 1 "Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl." -- Stephen Leacock
%b 0 "It's possible to love a human being if you don't know them too well." -- Charles Bukowski
%b 0 "Martyrdom is the only way in which a man can become famous without ability." -- George Bernard Shaw
%b 0 "Don't knock masturbation... it's sex with someone I love!" -- Woody Allen
%b 0 The best thing about living alone is you can have sex whenever you want to!
%b 0 Life is a game. The one who dies with the most toys wins.
%b 0 "Virtue has never been as respectable as money." -- Mark Twain
%b 0 "Go into the street and give one man a lecture on morality and another man a dollar, and see which one respects you most." -- Samuel Johnson
%b 0 "If you must choose between living with your mother-in-law and blowing your brains out, don't hesitate... blow out hers!" -- Victorien Sardou
%b 0 "Obscenity is whatever happens to shock some elderly and ignorant magistrate." -- Bertrand Russell
%b 0 "All in all, I'd rather be in Philadelphia." -- W. C. Fields epitaph
%b 0 "Obscenity is whatever gives a judge an erection." -- Anonymous
%b 0 "The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds; the pessimist knows it." -- J. Robert Oppenheimer
%b 0 "A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on." -- William Burroughs
%b 1 "The only people who seem to have nothing to do with the education of the children are the parents." -- G. K. Chesterton
%b 0 "Patience: a minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue." -- Ambrose Bierce
%b 0 "Patriotism: the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons." -- Bertrand Russell
%b 0 "When you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sign he expects to get paid for it." -- H. L. Mencken
%b 0 "Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious." -- Oscar Wilde
%b 1 "When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst." -- H. Allen Smith
%b 0 "Pessimist: one who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both." -- Oscar Wilde
%b 1 "A pessimist thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it." -- George Bernard Shaw
%b 0 "Philosophy teaches us to bear with equanimity the misfortunes of others." -- Oscar Wilde
%b 1 The meek inherit the work.
%b 0 "A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar." -- H. L. Mencken
%b 0 "Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office." -- David Broder
%b 1 "The standard of intellect in politics is so low, men of moderate mental capacity have to stoop to reach it." -- Hillaire Belloc
%b 0 "All politics are based on the indifference of the majority." -- James Reston
%b 1 Nothing is a simple as it first appears.
%b 0 "Pray: to ask the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner who confesses his unworthiness." -- Ambrose Bierce
%b 0 Don't feel bad. Nobody else knows what to do, either!
%b 0 "A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices." -- William James
%b 0 "The only good cat is a stir-fried one!" -- Alf
%b 1 "Freud is the father of psychoanalysis. It has no mother." -- Germaine Greer
%b 1 "The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat." -- Lily Tomlin
%b 1 A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
%b 0 "There was no respect for youth when I was young, and now that I am old, there is no respect for age. I missed it coming and going." -- J. B. Priestley
%b 0 It's better to sit down after drinking standing up than to stand up after drinking sitting down.
%b 0 "Use the Force, Luke!" -- Obi Wan Kanobe
%b 0 People are more funny than anybody.
%b 1 "Most rock journalism is people who can't write, interviewing people who can't talk, for people who can't read." -- Frank Zappa
%b 0 "The salary of the chief executive of a large corporation is not a market award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal gesture by the individual to himself." -- John Kenneth Galbraith
%b 0 "Stupidity is an elemental force for which no earthquake is a match." -- Karl Kraus
%b 1 "Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess." -- Oscar Wilde
%b 1 You are getting sleepy. Your eyelids are getting heavier and heavier. You will remember nothing when you awake.
%b 1 Are you still hanging around here?
%b 0 "Few people think more than two or three times a year; I have made an international reputation for myself by thinking once or twice a week." -- George Bernard Shaw
%b 0 "Women are like elephants to me... I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one." -- W. C. Fields
%b 1 "In the fight between you and the world, back the world." -- Frank Zappa
%b 1 "If the world were a logical place, men would ride side-saddle." -- Rita Mae Brown
%b 0 "The young always have the same problem... how to rebel and conform at the same time. They have now solved this by defying their parents and copying one another." -- Quentin Crisp
%b 1 No pain, no gain.
%b 1 If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
%b 0 Live long and prosper.
%b 0 "No matter where you go... there you are." -- Buckeroo Banzi
%b 0 To err is human, but to really screw up takes a computer.
%b 0 "Go ahead. Make my day." -- Dirty Harry
%b 1 Remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty?
%b 1 Don't try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes time and annoys the pig.
%b 0 "Wha-a!" -- Superman, Action Comics #1, June 1938
%b 1 People who drink to drown their sorrow should know that sorrow can swim.
%b 0 You never know how many apples there are in a seed.
%b 0 "I'm the President of the United States and I don't have to like broccoli!" -- George Herbert Walker Bush
%b 1 "Is sex dirty? Only if it's done properly." -- Woody Allen
%b 0 "I am ready to meet my maker. Whether my maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." -- Winston Churchill
%b 0 "If you can't convince them, confuse them." -- Harry S Truman
%b 0 "It's not easy being green." -- Kermit The Frog
%b 0 "We can't all be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as we go by." -- Will Rogers
%b 0 America will be the first country to go to the poor house in an automobile.
%b 0 ILLIGITIMI NON CARBARUNDUM: don't let the bastards wear you down!
%b 0 Some people drink deeply from the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
%b 0 "I don't get ulcers, I give them." -- Robert Springer
%b 0 "I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens." -- Woody Allen
%b 1 "Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when YOU walk into an open sewer and die." -- Mel Brooks
%b 0 "The process of growing up is developing the capacity to be bored." -- Michael Edwards
%b 0 "Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." -- Groucho Marx
%b 1 A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.
%b 1 Never give a little man a little power.
%b 0 "The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive." -- Robert Heinlein
%b 0 "`Plot' is a word as frightening and alien to many beginning writers as `syntax' is to a rock lyricist." -- Paul Darcy Boles
%b 1 Time really flies when you don't know what you are doing!
%b 0 "A fool and his money are soon... Hey! Where's my wallet?!" -- Bill Pasque
%b 0 "I hate to advocate drugs, violence, and insanity, but they've always worked for me!" -- Hunter S. Thompson
%b 1 Nymphomaniac: a girl who likes every man to be in different.
%b 0 "I drank WHAT?" -- Socrates
%b 0 "Eh?" -- Vincent Van Gogh.
%b 0 NEWS FLASH! Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.
%b 0 "All I know is that I know nothing." -- Socrates.
%b 0 A penny saved is ridiculous.
%b 1 Are you gonna come quietly or must I use earplugs?
%b 0 Old chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!
%b 0 Confession is good for the soul, but often bad for your career.
%b 0 Constant change is here to stay.
%b 0 Death is nature's way of saying "slow down."
%b 0 "Do NOT think of a white bear." -- V. I. Lenin.
%b 1 Don't ask me; I was hired for my looks.
%b 0 My mind's made up. Don't confuse me with facts.
%b 0 First we kill all the programmers.
%b 0 First we kill all the lawyers.
%b 1 Friction is a drag.
%b 1 He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke.
%b 1 He who laughs last is probably your boss.
%b 0 Excellent health is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.
%b 1 Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
%b 1 I can accept constructive criticism of you.
%b 1 I can resist everything except temptation.
%b 1 I don't want it now, I want it RIGHT now!
%b 1 I don't want more, I want it all!
%b 0 Dammit, Jim, I'm a computer... not a doctor!
%b 0 I'm a perfectionist with other people's work.
%b 0 Insomnia is nothing to lose sleep over.
%b 0 Is this yours? Your dog left it on my lawn.
%b 0 Isn't "half-duplex" just an apartment?
%b 0 It's not a bug, it's a feature!
%b 0 Keyboard not connected. Press F1 to continue...
%b 1 Life is a game. Money is how we keep score.
%b 0 Life is a series of rude awakenings.
%b 0 Moderation in pursuit of vice is no virtue.
%b 0 Neutrinos have bad breadth.
%b 0 Never hit a man with glasses... use your fist.
%b 0 News editors on strike: raw verbage at 11.
%b 0 No good deed goes unpunished.
%b 0 No man has ever yet become great by imitation.
%b 0 No problem is so big you can't run away from it.
%b 0 Press <Ctrl-Alt-Del> to continue.
%b 1 Pretend to spank me... I'm a pseudo-masochist!
%b 0 Punctuality is the virtue of the bored!
%b 0 Do they make fission chips from radioactive halibut?
%b 0 Reality is for people who can't face science fiction.
%b 0 Recursive, adj.; see Recursive.
%b 0 Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
%b 1 Schizophrenia beats being alone.
%b 0 The road of good intentions is paved with hell.
%b 1 The size of your funeral is dependent on the weather.
%b 0 Your solution to the problem changes the problem.
%b 1 The weather's here. Wish you were beautiful.
%b 0 "They're like vitamins, only better!" -- E. Presley
%b 0 Think "HONK" if you're a telepath.
%b 1 To every rule there is an exception, and vice versa.
%b 0 To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.
%b 1 It's too bad stupidity isn't painful.
%b 1 Two can live as cheaply as one, but only for half as long.
%b 0 Two most common elements: hydrogen and stupidity.
%b 0 Unable to locate coffee... Operator Halted!
%b 0 When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?
%b 0 When my ship comes in, I'll be at the airport!
%b 0 Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax.
%b 0 White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
%b 0 Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane.
%b 0 Why do bad things happen to good hard disks?
%b 1 The good thing about schizophrenia is: you're never alone!
%b 0 Writing to Washington won't help... he's dead!
%b 0 "I wanted to run for President in the worst possible way... and I did!" -- Walter "Fritz" Mondale
%b 0 "When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro." -- Hunter S. Thompson
%b 0 "He's pitching much better now that he has his curve ball straightened out." -- Joe Garagiola
%b 0 "My doctor told me I was too fat. I said I wanted a second opinion. He said `Okay, you're ugly too!'" -- Rodney Dangerfield
%b 1 "The only reason I would take up jogging would be to hear heavy breathing again." -- Erma Bombeck
%b Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies!
%b Who cares!?
%b You think you got problems?
%b Fire the bum!
%b Who wants to know?
%b Wake up and smell the coffee.
%b Wake up and smell the bacon.
%b Wake up and smell yourself!
%b Do you really need to ask?
%b Buy a boat and sail away!
%b You just don't get out much, do you?
%b Have you considered a cold shower?
%b You need a vacation!
%b You really should.
%b You really should not.
%b Oh, all right. Go ahead!
%b Careful study is recommended.
%b Ask again later.
%b What a stupid question!
%b Yeah. Right.
%b Is that the best you can come up with?
%b Get a life.
%b Seek professional help.
%b Get professional guidance.
%b Contact the police immediately!
%b Give the situation further study.
%b Ask someone else. I'm busy now.
%b How should I know?
%b What do I look like, a fortune teller?
%b The answer is: 43.
%b Try that question again later.
%b Was that in the form of a question?
%b Is there a chance in hell of that happening?
%b There's not a chance in hell of that happening!
%b What do I look like, stupid?
%b Oh, yeah?
%b That's what you think.
%b You do?
%b You did?
%b You what?!
%b Comb your hair!
%b Consider quitting your job.
%b Oh, oh.
%b Prepare for disappointment.
%b Prepare for
%b That's spurious, fallacious, and specious.
%b Go ahead.
%b You're not serious?
%b The future seems cloudy.
%b Go on. Lie about it!
%b You think you've got problems!?
%b Apply for unemployment.
%b Keep that one to yourself!
%b I recommend a stiff belt immediately!
%b Take the rest of the day off!
%b Why do you bother to ask?
%b What am I supposed to do with that one?
%b How have you kept your job this long?
%b How have you made it this far without getting caught?
%b Is that the best you can come up with?
%b Unfortunately, I have no answer.
%b Fortunately, I have no answer.
%b For what it's worth, that same thing happened to me yesterday!
%b I think you should spring for lunch tomorrow.
%b Consider another job.
%b Consider working harder.
%b Surely someone else would hire you?
%b Take a cold shower.
%b You skipped breakfast again, didn't you?
%b Have you been nipping from your bottom drawer again?
%b Cough loudly.
%b When that happens to me, I go to bed.
%b When that happens to me, I go to bed. Alone.
%b Don't tell anyone else, okay?
%b Head for the restroom!
%b What are you thinking of?
%b Are you crazy? You'll never get away with it!
%b Stop! Don't shoot!!
%b Can people still join the Foreign Legion?
%b Wait here for further instructions.
%b Head for the beach.
%b Head for the mountains.
%b Call your analyst.
%b Have you been practicing back flips in the lobby again?
%b The picture is not clear. (Adjust your monitor.)
%b Fake it!
%b You have a way with words!
%b Stay out of the sun.
%b I dunno. Maybe you should buy some IBM stock?
%b What would Dan Quayle do?
%b Wait until tomorrow.
%b Try again, tomorrow.
%b Ask again, tomorrow.
%b Wait until next week.
%b Try again, next week.
%b Ask again, next week.
%b Wait until next month.
%b Try again, next month.
%b Ask again, next month.
%b Wait until next year.
%b Try again, next year.
%b Ask again, next year.
%b Wait until next lifetime.
%b Try again, next lifetime.
%b Ask again, next lifetime.
Janie: "Why, good little girls go to heaven, Teacher."
Teacher: "And where do bad little girls go, Bobby?" %wBobby: "Anywhere they want to!"nd a mountain curve at sixty miles per hour and a guy towing a trailer pulls out to pass you. VCR.rted for work at eight o'clock just like they told him. %wHow was he supposed to know that there were two eight o'clocks?d with so much worthless information these days. %wI mean, do I really need to know my waiter's name is Bruce?o ponder: Where does a nudist put his keys after he locks his car?lain that there's nothing to do and then stay out all night doing it?n a $10,000 car and came back in a $100,000 bus.rs.of the jet age: breakfast in London, lunch in New York, dinner in San Francisco, luggage in Buenos Aires.t those with jobs. it, but never know where it is.raid to take the final exam.ed the following week, she was quite disturbed. "I just don't understand, Doctor. I still have as much gas as ever," she complained, "and now it's beginning to smell bad." %w"Good!" the doctor exclaimed, "that means your sinuses have cleared. Next, we'll go to work on your hearing."im for months, so he finally bought her a complete mink outfit: %wtwo steel traps and a rifle.sor taker standing at the front door: "I'm looking for the people who live here." %wResident: "Well, you came to the right place."psychiatric treatment? %wHe was fed up with people.
No words could ever describe the great unhappiness I've felt since breaking off our engagement. No one else could possibly take your place in my heart. Won't you please forgive me? Let's get back together and this time make it last forever?
I love you, I love you, I love you.
Marie" %w"P.S. Congratulations on winning the lottery!"ns and look at the scenery or go to the beach and be the scenery.ing single: You don't have to leave a party just when you start having fun.ese pills aren't habit forming. I've been taking them for years!"to understand why most people won't admit their faults. I would if I had any.'t had no fun all summer." Then she asked her class, "What do I have to do to fix that sentence?" %wA kid in the back hollered, "Get a boyfriend!"that says grace before he eats your house.ld him, "Don't touch me, I'm pregnant."
Clerk to blond: "Certainly, how about the ball type?" %wBlond to clerk: "Doncha have anything for under his arms?"he blew both of them.he falls over the railing, he yells, "Oh %s!"lar bill, sticks his head in the opening, the machine hums and buzzes, and he pulls out his head with the best haircut he's ever had. %wThe next machine is labeled "Manicures." He puts in another dollar bill, sticks his hands in the slots, the machine hums and buzzes, and he pulls out his hands he has the best manicure he's ever had. %wThe next machine is labeled, "What Men Away From Home Need Most." The salesman smiles, looks both ways, quickly unzips his fly, sticks his %d in the slot and inserts another dollar bill. %wThe machine hums and buzzes, the guy lets out a scream, and he pulls out his %d with a button sewed to the tip.
The first man says, "You know, I've always wanted to do it dog fashion like that, but my wife would never go for it."
The second man replied, "Why, that shouldn't be a problem. Loosen her up first with a couple of martinis." %wWhen they met the next day, the second man asked, "Well, how'd it go?" %w"Lousy," replies his friend. "It took me seven martinis just to get her on her knees in the front yard!"ore his upcoming circumcision? %w"It won't be long now!"there's the one about the prostitute who had an appendectomy. %wHer doctor sewed up the wrong hole, and now she's making a little money on the side.
Candles Out at Ten-Thirty"prof sneered and said, "What's your hurry, girls? The next flight to there isn't until Saturday!""
"Now take off my dress." He did.
"Now take off my slip... and my stockings... and my garter belt." He did as he was told without comment. %w"Now take off my bra," she snapped, "and don't you ever let me catch you borrowing my clothes again!"said, "I'm sorry, Sister, but we believe in calling a spade a spade." %w"No, you don't," said Mother Superior. "You call it a %fing shovel!"
"Almost every night," George answers.
"At your age? Get off it!" %w"It's true, I tell you! Almost on Monday night, almost Tuesday night, almost Wednesday..."nting. As they came to a clearing beside a lake, they spotted a beautiful young blond lying totally naked, sunning herself on a rock in the middle of the lake. "Oh, boy!" Clyde yelled as he ran toward the water. "That gal's so beautiful I could eat her!" %wSo Odell shot her.one unless he was naked?g. In about one minute she came running back downstairs, yelling, "Mama, Mama! He's got hair all over his chest!" %w"He's supposed to have hair on his chest," Mama replied calmly. "Now go back upstairs."
In another two minutes she was back again. "Mama, Mama! He's got hair all over his legs!" %w"He's supposed to have hair on his legs," Mama replied calmly. "Now go back upstairs."
When her groom took off his shoes and socks, the girl saw that while one foot was normal, the other was only half-developed. Down the stairs she ran again, yelling "Mama, Mama! He's got a foot and a half!" %w"You stay right here, Honey! Mama will be down in a few minutes!" dignity. A drunk staggered through the crowd, saw her and yelled... %w"The first thing we gotta do is get the father out of there!"bin!s sakes, Gertrude, comb your hair and put in your teeth. You're beginning to look just like your mother!"ing, dipstick!" growled the male dog to the violinist. %w"Play `Bolero!'"ingers, she giggled and said, "Does that mean you want to do it five times?" %w"No," answered her husband. "It means you get to choose one!"
Doctor: "How old are you?"
Old man: "Ninety-two." %wDoctor: "I think you've %ped enough!"tarted to relieve himself. Suddenly Mother Nature appeared and said sternly, "You're %ping on my buttercups! To punish you, every time you eat anything with butter on it, you'll get as sick as a dog." %wSomewhat shaken, Clyde stumbled back to the pickup and told Odell what had happened. "Don't feel too bad, Clyde," he said... %w"She could have caught you %ping on the pussy willows!"ight!"
"Our staff will stuff your stiff." %wSign in a whorehouse next door to the funeral parlor:
"Our stuff will stiff your staff!"
The madam takes one look at him and says, "How old are you, Pops?"
The old man pulls himself up and proudly replies, "Ninety-two!"
"Ninety-two?" the madam repeats, incredulously. "Hell, old man, you've had it!" %w"I have?" asks the old man, reaching for his wallet. "Wadda I owe you?" the cow talk, and finally made the pig talk. By this time, the hired hand looked a little nervous. %w"Everyone knows that sheep is a damn liar!"
"Really?" asked the architect, "why not?" %wThe farmer smiled shyly. "Well, because it was right under that there tree that I had my first experience with sex."
"How sentimental," said the architect. %w"And don't disturb that tree over there, either," the farmer went on.
"Really?" asked the architect again. "Why not?" %w"Because that's where her mother stood watching us." %w"She watched?" cried the incredulous architect. "What did her mother say?" %w"Baaaaaa!"e yelled. "What's the deal here? I've only been giving you ones!" %w"So?" she said. "Do you think everybody around here is as cheap as you?"
Annoyed, the lady pointed and asked, "Oh, really? What's that hanging right there?" %wThe butcher frowned and said, "That? That's my son-in-law!" woman, he's getting real horny.
"What do you do for sex around here?" he asks the sergeant one day.
"Just wait until Saturday and you'll find out!" the sergeant says. %wEarly Saturday morning the sergeant marched the whole company of 100 men over to this corral where 300 camels had been herded. At his signal, the men went crazy, jumped the fence, and started to %f the camels. The recruit stood there for a minute and then grabbed the sergeant's arm as he rushed by. "I see what you mean," he said, "but what's the big hurry? There must be 300 camels here and only 100 guys. Why don't these guys take their time?" %w"What are you, stupid?" yells the sergeant. "And get stuck with an ugly one?"e streets and the next morning proudly displayed her evening's earnings to her husband: $21.00. %w"How come $21.00?" the old man roared. "Who's the cheap bastard that only gave you a dollar?" %w"All of them!" she said., "Oh, Odell! You're stuck in the mud."
"Well, honey, would you mind sticking it back in you?" So she did. %wAfter a while, Odell asked again, "Am I in you, honey, or am I stuck in the mud again?"
"Oh, no, Odell! It's in me now!" she purred. %w"Well, sugar, would you mind sticking it back in the mud?"king out of that man's pants!"
"Oh, Helen!" her friend replied. "If you've seen one of those, you've seen 'em all." %wThe first one answered, "That's what I thought, but this one is eating popcorn out of my hand!"a right next to a sign that read "WET FLOOR." way!" he answered. "I'm wearing a condom!"ar," he said. %w"Well, honey," she said, "I can do it that way too, but it gives me the hiccoughs."t anyone heard from Johnny. When the game finally broke up, one of the players asked the uncle, "What in the world did you do to the kid?" %w"Not much," the uncle replied, "I just showed him how to %j!"hat sexual preference was not thought to be a hereditary trait. %w"Okay," the guy went on, "but my father was a %g too."
"That's unusual," the therapist says, "but that still doesn't make you gay." %w"Well, there's my brother."
"Is he a %g too? Doesn't anyone in your family sleep with women?" %w"Sure, my sister!" ear!"gorilla holding out a ten-dollar bill. The bartender, figuring that this would be a good time to pull the old short change trick, gave him back only one dollar. The gorilla just sat there nursing his drink. Finally, the bartender could stand it no longer. "We don't get too many drinking gorillas in here," he said. %wThe gorilla replied, "At nine bucks a drink, I'm not surprised!"hem both in!
"Big deal!" Jimmy answered, "I've got something you'll never have!" And he pulled down his pants and showed her. %wRealizing that she had been outdone, little Cindy raced home sobbing. When her father heard the whole story, he smiled and whispered something in her ear. The next day, Cindy ran into Jimmy once more. Again, Jimmy decided to rub it in and pulling down his pants again, he said, "I've got one of these and you don't!"
"Big deal," said Cindy pulling up her skirt and pulling down her panties... %w"My daddy says that with one of these, I can get all of those I want!"let seat!
"I bought this cigar here!" complains the customer. %w"Big deal," answers the druggist. "We sell condoms too!"
"Well, that's okay," says the guy. %w"Oh, yeah?" the devil replied. "See those women? They don't!"
"I'd say your doing about three knots," the hooker answers.
"What do you mean, `three knots?'" the old salt asks. %w"You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not gettin' a refund!"said, "Son, if you'd wear your glasses, you could see so much better." %w"I can see just fine, Dad," argued Bobby. "Why, I can see that one-eyed dog coming up the street three blocks away." %w"I've got news for you, son: that dog's going down the street!"oor. "Just look in here. There's a yellow dress, a flower-print dress, your new pants suit, (Hi, Jim) your pink dressy outfit...."ed his wife. "How about a little?" he asked. "Oh, Harold, I have an appointment with my gynecologist tomorrow morning, and he always wants me to abstain from %fing for twenty-four hours before seeing him." %wHarold sighed and rolled back facing the wall. A couple of minutes later, he rolled back and asked... %w"You don't have a dentist appointment tomorrow, do you?" trying to be helpful. %wSo the drunk opened the partition, leaned forward, and puked.her balloons and she's screaming to God that she's coming!"
"Harry, grease up Mable!" the madam shouts up the stairs and then turns back to her customer. "That'll be $100!" %w"I don't have $100," says the guy.
"Harry, grease up Ginger!" yells the madam without a pause. Then, "That'll be $50!" %w"I don't have $50, either," says the guy.
"Harry, grease up Sophie!" yells the madam. "That'll be $25!" %w"I don't have $25!" says the guy.
"Well then, exactly how much DO you have?" asks the madam.
"Two bucks," replies the man. %w"Harry, grease up!"g man standing there said, "My name is Teddy. I've come to get Betty. We're going for spaghetti. Is she ready?" The father relayed the message, and Betty and her date left. %wThe doorbell rang for a third time. When the father opened the door, the young man standing there said, "My name is Chuck..." %wAnd the door slammed in his face.e city stopped at a small coffee house in the Southwest. While seated at the counter sipping their brew, a cowboy came in and headed for the vacant seat next to them. As he swung his leg over the stool, he cut a loud fart. The tourist jumped to his feet, shouting, "Sir, how dare you fart before my wife!" %wThe cowboy stood, tipped his Stetson politely, and said, "Shucks ma'am, I'm awful sorry. I didn't know we was taking turns!"y he got home at 3:00 am? %wHis lips are moving!I wish I had dimes stuck all over me!"
The second says, "I got a better one. I wish I had quarters stuck all over me!"
"I got the best one," says the third. "I wish I had hair stuck all over me!" %w"Hair?" shouted the first two. "Why do you want hair stuck all over you?" %w"Well, I'm not really sure," says the third boy, "but my sister has just a little patch of it, and she's making a lot of money with it!" be there as soon as I can," says the doctor, "but in the meantime, try to coax it out. Put her on the bed with her legs spread apart and wave a piece of cheese in front of her %v." %wWhen the doctor arrived, he walked right in the door and hurried back to the bedroom where he found the guy waving a big fish between the legs of his spread-eagled wife. "What are you doing?" asked the doctor. "I told you `cheese,' not fish!" %w"I know," says the guy, "but I figured, first I'd better coax out the cat!"� as he was leaving said, "And, by the way, that's not a Porsche, that's a Mercedes!" snuck out and hurried back to the job. The next day, Odell was hard at work when the other guys headed for the bar. "Hey, Odell, aren't you coming?" asked one of the guys. %w"Hell, no," he answered, "I almost got caught yesterday!" up, he's on a small raft in the middle of the ocean with another guy who is just coming around after the same experience. They lie there for awhile, and finally the other guy looks over and says, "I wonder if they'll fly us back?" %wOdell smiles knowingly, "They didn't last year!". The next day, he's back complaining to the salesman that the saw didn't come close to cutting the 700 trees the ad said it would. "Well," the salesman says, "let's give it a test out back." Finding a log, the salesman yanks on the cord, and the saw roars to life. %w"What the hell is that noise?" asks Odell.he exclaimed. %w"I know, honey," Harold replied, "but the evening's not over yet!"ate fair. One of the engines sputtered and died, and Odell became quite concerned. When the other engine quit, he panicked. "We're going to crash!" he yelled. %w"Don't worry," said the pilot calmly.
"But we're going to die!" Odell shrieked. %w"Sit down," said the pilot, a little more firmly, "we're going to be all right!"
"What about the cows?" Odell screamed.
By this time, the pilot had had enough and countered with, "Oh, %f the cows!" %w"Gee, do you think we'll have time?"%w"No," said the wolf, "I'll probably just spit that part out!" ship. He looks around and sees almost a hundred other guys in the same predicament, along with a big ugly guy with a whip, and a drummer timing the strokes of the oarsmen. %wDay after day, week after week, the drummer plays cadence while the oarsmen stroke the oars. Finally, out of the small holes on the sides of the ship, Odell spots palm trees and knows that they've reached their destination. Turning to the guy chained next to him, he asks... %w"You know, I've never been on a cruise before. Waddaya think we oughta tip the drummer?"
The California cousin said, "Boy, I wish that was Julia Roberts!" %wBubba looked at the sheep again, and said, "Julia Roberts? I just wish it was dark!"
So Odell sent the dog down to the pond to count geese. When it returned, it barked five times. Clyde checked the pond and, sure enough, there were five geese. %w"Aw, Odell," Clyde complained, "that was just dumb luck. That dog cain't count!"
So Odell sent the dog down to the pond back to count geese again. This time, he barked eight times, and sure enough, there were eight geese. %w"Odell, that dog's jes' lucky," Clyde said, still disbelieving. Odell agreed to one more test. Again the dog went to the pond, but this time when it returned, it was carrying a stick in its mouth. The dog proceeded to hump Odell's leg, all the while shaking his stick back and forth!
"See!" Clyde laughed, "I tol' ja that dumb dog couldn't count!" %w"Sure, he can," said Odell, "you're just too stupid to understand him! He's telling us there's more %fing geese than you can shake a stick at!" she explained that at a party the night before, they'd played a game called "Who's Who." %wEach of the men had hung his %d through the hole, and the women tried to guess what belonged to whom. "That sounds like fun," said the milkman. "I sure wish I had been here." %w"You should have been," said the housewife. "Your name came up three times."do you think you're going to please with that little stub?" %wAnd the guy answers, "Me!" %wThe guy leaves, and about ten minutes later comes back and tells the receptionists. "I've got something wrong with my ear." %w"That's much better," she says. "Now tell me, what's wrong with your ear?" %w"I can't %p out of it!" he says.waterfront whorehouse, he asked the price. "Seventy-five dollars," said the madam. The sailor thought it was pretty steep, but he paid the madam her price and was shown to a room. %wWhen the whore arrived, she saw the sailor lying on the bed at the peak of %jing. "What the hell are you doing?" she asked. %w"Hey, for seventy-five bucks, you're not getting the easy one!"tion, the booze caught up with him, and he lay down by the side of the road to sleep it off. %wA couple of girls passed that same way, and upon spotting the Scotsman, decided to see if the rumor about men wearing kilts was true. It was! So they decided to have a little fun. One untied her blue hair ribbon and tied it around the sleeping Scotsman's %d. %wWhen the Scotsman awoke a little later, he stood up to %p and noticed the blue ribbon. "Hoot, mon!" he says to his %d, "I don't recall where we've been, but I'm proud to see that yee took first place!"ing and found his wife sliding naked down the banister. "What in the world are you doing?" he asked. %w"Warming your dinner!" she replied with a grin.e in the mood, and she'll take care of everything else." %wAfter an evening of dining and dancing, the shy guy parked his car at the end of a somewhat deserted road and said, "You know, Agnes, I sure would like to have a little %v." %w"So would I," Agnes sighed, "mine's the size of a %fing catcher's mitt!" between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub? %wA woman in church has hope in her soul; the other...
"Get the ladder, get the ladder," says the stupid woman as she trots off to take care of her husband's need. %wWhen she returns with the ladder, he says, "I need some nails."
"Get the nails, get the nails," she repeats to herself as she hurries off to the tool shed again. %wShortly after she returns with the nails, he hits his thumb with the hammer. "Oh, %f!" he screams, "%f, %f, %f!" %wThe wife hurries into the house. "Get the bag, get the bag."he first time, and she's quite embarrassed as she puts her feet in the stirrups. The doctor walks around for a look and says, "Good Lord! That's the biggest %v I've ever seen -- the biggest %v I've ever seen!"
"Hmmmpf!" the girl sniffs. "You didn't have to say it twice!" %w"I didn't!"y, lady," says the kid, "but I can't tell one of those Japanese cars from the other!"" she said, "your name didn't come up at all!"
The husband, in a hurry to get to their destination, said, "Hold on, we're gonna stop pretty soon." %wAfter fifteen minutes, the wife repeated her request, and the husband said, "Hang on. We'll stop after a while!" %wFinally, the wife said in desperation, "I have to %p NOW!"
"Well, I'm not stopping!" the husband snapped. "Why don't you just hang it out the window!" %wSo the wife did! She rolled down her window, stuck herself out the window, and let fly, hitting one of a pair of hitchhikers standing along side the road. "YUCK!" yelled the one hitchhiker to the other. "Did you see the gob of spit that guy hit me with?" %w"That's nothing!" said the friend. "You shoulda seen the lips on that sucker!"the longest %d. They finally decided the only objective way to settle their argument was to lay them out and measure them. They just got their %ds out on the table when a %g entered the bar. %w"Oh, goodie, goodie!" he screams. "Buffet night!"e. Noticing his generosity, the minister says, "Brother, for that, we'll let you pick out the next three hymns." %wThe %g stands and says, "Oh, goodie! I'll take him... and him... and him!"n to see what was the matter. "I have to make peepee!" wailed the little boy.
"All right," said the mother, "I'll take you to the bathroom."
"No," said Johnny, "I want Grandma!"
"Don't be silly!" said the mother firmly, "I can do the same thing as Grandma!" %w"No, you can't. Her hands shake!"eet in the middle. She agrees, and they move into action. %wThe next morning, two of the hotel bellboys are talking. "Did you know the police found an old man lying in the parking lot this morning, as naked as a jaybird?" asked one. %w"No," said the other, "but I saw the fire department upstairs trying to pry some old lady off a doorknob!"here's been a terrible accident. You're husband fell in a big vat of beer and drowned." %w"Oh, my God!" gasped the new widow, "did he suffer much?" %w"No, I don't think so. Before he went under, he got out to %p four times!"ed under the dock by a Wave?
A Japanese-American girl in the front row raised her hand and said, "John Paul Jones." %w"Very good, Tsuchi," said the teacher. "Now, who can tell me who said, `I regret that I have but one life to give for my country?'"
Once again, the Japanese girl was the only one to raise her hand. "Nathan Hale," she said. %w"What's going on here, class?" asked the teacher. "Why is it that Tsuchi is the only one who can answer the questions?"
A voice from the back hollered out, "Well, %f the Japanese!"
"Who said that?" asked the teacher angrily. %wTsuchi's hand shot up. "Lee Iacocca!"while, the first cannibal said, "I'm having a ball!" %w"Slow down!" said the other, "you're going too fast!"
"Greetings," says the older alien to the gas pump. "We are from the planet Plxijrd. Take us to your leader." %wNaturally, the gas pump says nothing. The alien repeats his message again and again, but there is always no response. Finally, the younger alien has had enough.
"Speak, you unfriendly cuss!" screams the alien, and in frustration, fires his laser at the gas pump. Naturally, there is a huge explosion, and both aliens are hurled backwards across the road and into a ditch. %wWhen they come to, the older one says, "You know, Izzfqxz, you must learn to curb that temper of yours. Besides, I feel it's always a mistake to %f around with any guy who can wrap his %d around his waist and stick it in his own ear!" The %x guy looks completely out of it, while the %y guy is obviously embarassed to be caught with one index finger in the %x guy's mouth, and the other index finger stuck up the %x's butt. "What the hell's going on here?" the cop yells gruffly. %w"My friend's had too much to drink," explained the %y, "and I'm just trying to make him puke."
"Sticking your finger up his ass won't make him throw up!" said the cop. %w"Oh, yeah?" asks the %y. "Wait 'till I switch fingers!"ry bed and breakfast inn. By noon the next day, they still hadn't been seen, so the innkeeper yelled up the stairs, "last call for breakfast!" %w"Don't worry about us," answered the groom. "We're living on the fruits of love!" %w"Well, that's okay, I guess," replied the innkeeper, "but could you stop throwing the skins out the window? You're choking my geese!"ery diet known to man, but he still couldn't lose weight. As a last resort, he joined a new weight-loss clinic. After forking over the rather outrageous membership fee, he was escorted into a room where he was soon joined by a beautiful naked redhead. %w"If you can catch me, I'm yours," she said. After a prolonged chase, he succeeded, and afterwards was pleased to discover he had lost ten pounds in the process. %wThe next day, he was joined by a beautiful naked blond. "If you can catch me, I'm yours," she said. After a prolonged chase, he succeeded, and afterwards was pleased to discover he had lost twelve pounds in the process. %wDiscouraged because he still had over a hundred pounds to lose, he decided to sign up for the clinic's more drastic program. %wThe next day, he was waiting eagerly in the empty room when the door opened and a three-hundred pound %g entered, grinned, and said... %w"If I catch you, you're mine!"ey, we're gonna make love a new way tonight!" said the bridegroom. "Back to back!" %w"How could that be any fun?" asks his bride. %w"Easy," he replies. "I've invited another couple!" she knows the difference!"n my courtroom," he lied, "and I gave him thirty days for public intoxication." %w"You should have given him sixty days," his wife said, "'cause he %s in your pants too!"ce, and (much to Hilda's surprise) prayed fervently for over five minutes. When he finally said, "Amen," Hilda leaned over to him and whispered, "Why, Henry! I had no idea you were so religious!" %w"No?" he whispered back, "and I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"e? %wYou don't need a partner if you have a good hand!ndow and swam to shore. Anxiously he looked around for the two hitchhikers, wondering what their fate had been. Just as he was about to give up hope, Odell and Bubba broke the surface of the water, sputtering and gasping for air. They swam to shore as the driver yelled how glad he was to see them safe and sound. %w"Sorry to worry you," said Odell, "but we had a hell of time gettin' that tailgate open!"rate New Year's Eve?" a guy asked.
"With a prolonged lovemaking session with my girl!" his friend replied with a smile.
"How prolonged?" %w"In one year and out the other!"
"How's that?" inquired her listener. %w"It appears the days of Big Government are over!"tor wrestler begins, "I am the biggest and baddest alligator wrestler in the whole world!" Then he promptly grabs the largest alligator at the farm and hits it over the head with a baseball bat. %wThe alligator opens its mouth, and the man places his %d in the alligator's gaping jaws. He hits the beast again and the alligator closes his jaws. As the crowd gasps, the wrestler asks, "Is anyone here man enough to attempt this?" %wAll was quiet until, from the back of the crowd, a timid %g says, "I'll give it a try... if you promise not to hit me with that baseball bat!"
So the boat went away. As the water rose up to his stomach, a second boat came. "Get in," cried the boatman, "and I'll take you to safety." %w"No, I believe in God," said the man. "God will save me!"
So the boat went away. As the water rose up to his neck, a helicopter came. "Grab the ladder," cried the pilot "and I'll take you to safety." %w"No, I believe in God," said the man. "God will save me!"
So the helicopter went away. The man drowned. In heaven, he asks God, "Why didn't you save me?" %wGod said, "Hey, don't blame me. I sent two boats and a helicopter!"sted they draw straws to determine who would make the swim, but the lawyer surprised them all by volunteering. %wAs he jumped into the sea, two huge sharks swooped in beside him, but instead of devouring him, each offered him a fin. He grabbed on, and, holding a dorsal fin in each hand, the sharks carried him gently to shore. "Saints be praised!" cried the priest. Turning to the doctor, he asked, "Have you ever seen the likes of that?" The doctor was nonplussed. %w"Professional courtesy," he replied.ou think you are, to question that woman's punishment?"Let's climb under the car," he suggests, "I'll leave my feet hanging out from under the car. That way, if anyone does comes by, I can just say I'm fixing the muffler!"
"Good idea," she smiles. %wSo the two of them slide under the car and start going at it. Soon they're oblivious to the world. As their passion increases, the boy suddenly feels someone kicking his feet. "This is the Police! What are you doing down there?" %wThe boy replies according to their plan, "Oh, nothing, Officer. I'm just fixing my muffler." %wThe Police Officer says, "Well, son, you should have fixed your emergency brake first. Your car just rolled down the hill!" of private lessons with the local country club's golf pro, a woman could barely hit the ball off the tee. Finally the exasperated pro decided to try something new. "Madame," he said, "just do exactly what I say no matter how odd my instructions are." She agreed. %w"Hold the golf club as though it were your husband's %d and then hit the ball." She thought these instructions strange, but after six months of failure was willing to try anything. So, following the pro's instructions exactly, she took a mighty swing at the ball. 250 yards dead straight down the fairway! %wThe pro exclaimed, "Great shot, ma'am! Now let's try it with the club out of your mouth!"
The string answers "Yes, I am."
The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here." %wThe second string orders a beer. But the bartender won't serve him either. The third string heads for the restroom. He scrunches up until he's tied up. Then he reaches on top and pull apart some of his threads. %wHe returns to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Hey, wait a minute. Aren't you a string?" %wTo which the third string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."d an old shack, knock on the door, and much to their surprise, an old prospector answers, saying, "Yeah, boys. Waddaya want?" %w"Sir," the census takers reply, "the President of the United States has sent us out here to find out how many people there are in America." %wThe old man stood back, spat out some tobacco juice, squinted at them, and said, "I'm sorry, boys, but you've come to the wrong place, 'cause I don't know!" time they went up a hill, the girls cried, "Oooooooh!" And every time they went down a hill they all cried, "Aaaaaaaah!"
Their leader leaned back from the handlebars and said... %w"Girls, if you don't stop that moaning, I'm gonna put the seats back on!"r tribe." %w"Anything," says the prospector, "I'm starving to death!" So, they take him in. %wAfter he recovers, the chief says, "It is now time for you to join the tribe, old prospector. Now, for our ritual test of manhood." The prospector didn't remember anything about a test! %wThe chief continues, "First, tonight at sunset, will begin a great party, with much eating and singing and dancing. At the height of the party, you must drink three glasses of Yuk-Yuk, the tribal drink." That's okay, thinks the prospector, I've done some heavy drinking in my time; I can handle that. %w"Second, tomorrow morning at sunrise, you must go out onto the tundra and kill a polar bear with nothing but your bare hands." Great, thinks the old prospector. I could just take off and leave the village, never to return. They'd never find me. %w"Finally, during the night of your return, between sunset and sunrise, you must make love to ten of our most beautiful maidens." Hmmmm, thinks the old prospector, how tough can a polar bear be? %wAnd so, exactly at sunset, the party begins. There is much eating and singing and dancing. At precisely midnight, at the height of the party, three steaming glasses of Yuk-Yuk are brought to him. The first glass nearly gags the old prospector, the second glass is truly vile-tasting, but by his third glass, it's going down like water. Instantly, the old prospector is totally ripped. A few minutes later, the Eskimos realize that the old prospector is gone! %wOh, no! He wasn't supposed to do the second part of the test until the next day, after he was sober! %wMany days pass, with no sign of the old prospector. Then, one morning just as the sun is rising, a bleeding, disheveled figure appears, and stumbles toward the waiting crowd. %wAs he reaches the villagers, the cheering subsides as the prospector says, "All right! Where's those ten Eskimo girls I gotta kill!?"d in. The biggest biker grabbed the man's steak right off his plate, and started eating it. The trucker didn't say a word, he just stood up and walked out. %w"What a wimp!" chomps the big biker. "He didn't say a word!"
The second biker agrees, "Yeah, he's a real chicken!"
The waitress butts in, "Not only is he a wimp and a chicken, he's also a bad driver."
"Really," says the third biker, "how do you know?" %w"He just backed his big rig over three Harleys out in the parking lot!"pulled a pair of running shoes from his backpack, and hurriedly put them on. "For crying out loud, Dave! You can't outrun a mountain lion!" John hissed. %w"I don't have to," shrugged Dave. "I just have to outrun you!"o me and told me it was very valuable." Patty took the object to the bank president, saying, "I don't know what this thing is. What shall I do?" %wThe bank president replied, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Black! Give the frog a loan."
God answered, "So, that you would love her, Adam."
"Oh," Adam said. "Then why did you make her so stupid, God?" %w"So she could love you!"her was appalled! She hurried into the living room and told him, "We don't use that kind of language in this house, young man! Now go to your room for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use clean language." %wTwo hours later, the boy comes out of his bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "Attention all passengers who are disembarking the train. Please remember to take all your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We also hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your carry-on luggage under the seat in front of you. Remember, there is no smoking except in the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." %wHis mother smiled, out in the kitchen. But then, he continued... %w"And for those of you who are %ped-off about the two-hour delay, please see that %v out in the kitchen!"! Such a terrible experience! But look at the good side: at least you're alive." Sadie was silent. "Sadie, say something!" %w"Say? What's to say? It's been two weeks; he doesn't write, he doesn't call."m the first month's check. Bewildered, Mr. Jones returned home and told Mrs. Jones what had happened. %w"It's too bad you didn't drop your pants for her," she said. "You could have collected disability, too!"that expensive herd of cows." Sarah looked at him coolly. %w"You know, John," Sarah said, "if you could only get it up, we could get rid of our hired hand!"s a doctor." %w"That's wonderful. How about you, Amy?" Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." %w"That's good, too, Amy. Thank you," said the teacher. "And what about your father, Billy?" Billy stood up and proudly announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." %wThe teacher was aghast and quickly changed the subject. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. %w"I apologize for Billy's behavior, ma'am. But, you see, I'm really an attorney," Billy's father said. "How can you explain something like that to a child?"d tough as nails. Once his friends at work gave him some sulfuric acid, telling him it was vodka. The next morning he showed up for work, none the worse for wear. %w"How was that vodka?" they asked.
"Fine," Orville said.
"You know, Orville," they said, "that wasn't vodka. It was sulfuric acid!" %w"Oh," Orville replied. "That explains why I burned a hole through the toilet this morning!"oy replies, "I won't tell if you won't."do with the $2,000?" %w"Fix the brakes on our fire truck!"een anyone so angry?" %w"Well, yes, I have," replies the first conductor. "You should have seen that guy I put off the train at Huntington!"him before then.
To which, the child responded, "Oh, I know this is just a trick. If I play with these toys, I'll probably break something and then you'll take them all away from me!" %wCarefully noting this behavior and response, he then placed an optimistic child in a room filled with nothing but horse manure and observed her behavior. She happily ran around the room, digging through the manure with her hands, laughing and laughing. %wThe psychologist is overcome with curiosity, enters the room and asks the child, "Why are you laughing in a room filled with manure?" %w"Well," says the small girl, "I figured with all this manure, you must have hidden a Shetland pony in here somewhere!"then on it was hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie..."of 170 pounds of ugly fat? %wDivorce your husband! Ten years later, he finds the repair stub in the attic, and just for the hell of it, goes back to the shop and presents the ticket. The owner of the store disappears into the back for a minute, then comes back and says... %w"They'll be ready next Tuesday."t's get started!"t a wedding is that you never get a chance to prove it.
"That's a very special bottle of gin," explains the genie. "No matter how much you drink, it will always be full." %w"Hey, tremendous!" says the drunk, "for my other wishes, I'll take two more of these!"redible! How long have you had this?" %w"Well," says the frog, "believe it or not, it started out as a little wart on my ass!" shots poorly, the embarrassed tennis player said to his partner: "Well, tennis is a funny game, isn't it?" %wHis partner replied, "Yeah, but it's not meant to be!"ber was charging $150 per hour. "That's a lot!" he said, "I'm a doctor, and I only charge $100 per hour." %w"Yeah," replied the plumber, "That's all I made back when I was a doctor."kay. What would be second best?", the garbage!" and SHLOOP! the hagipa eats all the garbage. %wAlthough the woman's husband has warned her never to buy anything from door-to-door salesmen, she purchases it. That afternoon, when her husband comes home from work, she proudly brings it out. "Darling, look what I bought--an hagipa!" %wHer husband replies angrily, "hagipa, my butt!" and SHLOOP!...rope and stops mere inches from the doctor's neck. Since the law clearly states that if the execution fails the prisoner is allowed to live, the doctor is set free. %wNext, it's the lawyer's turn. Again, the blade is released, it falls part way, then catches on a knot in the rope and stops mere inches from the lawyer's neck. He, too, is set free. %wAs the engineer walks to the guillotine, he looks up at the rope and says, "I think I see the problem."entriloquist." %wIt doesn't solve your body odor problem, but it makes your date think it's her.obby, and purchases $20,000 worth of SCUBA equipment, including all of the latest gadgets. On one of his first solo dives, wearing all his fancy gear, he notices another man in just a pair of bathing trunks. He goes down to 30 feet, and the man in trunks is still there. He goes down to 40 feet, and the man in trunks is still there. Down to 50, 60 feet, and the man swims right along with him.
Finally, he takes out his fancy new underwater microphone, and asks "I just spent $20,000 on SCUBA gear! What the hell are you doing down here wearing nothing but a pair swim trunks?!" %wHe hands the mike to the other guy, who replies, "You idiot! I'm drowning!!" take you back to the airport." %wThe student jumps, counts to ten, and pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He pulls the cord for the reserve chute. Again, nothing happens. %w"Aw, hell," he says, "the way my day's going, there probably won't be a red truck either!"
School Zone Drive Carefully
Don't Kill A Child %wGraffito at the bottom of the sign:
"Wait for a Teacher!"ng machine. %wIt his wife, telling him she had arrived safely.tion: "We Specialize in Contenting Cows"nd!" Bill, extremely distressed, rushes off, only to reappear half an hour later, very calm. %w"Ha, ha, Fred," says Bill. "You were dead wrong. I've never met that guy before in my whole life."e your money," says the %z. "I saw that story on the six o'clock news, so I knew she'd jump." %w"No, take it," says the %y. "I saw the six o'clock news too, but I was sure that this time she wouldn't do it."ad a dollar for every woman he's ever made love to, he'd have $2.50!He said it kinda tasted like chicken.n he retired, he took them to a leathersmith and told him to do something creative with them. In two weeks, the leathersmith presented him with a lovely wallet. The rabbi said, "You mean I give you hundreds of foreskins and all I get back is a wallet?!" %w"Well, not really. If you rub it, it turns into a steamer trunk!"ls, "I said I wanted a BUTT lite!" have girl friend named Wendy, too?" The native just laughed. %w"No, mon. Mine says `Welcome to Jamaica, Mon. Have a nice day!'"s on a bar stool? %wTurn it upside down.ing.
Little Mary answered, "Your head, teacher, because that's the closest thing to heaven." %w"Very good, Mary," she says, "Now how about you, Michael? What part of your body do you think goes to heaven first?"
Michael says, "Your heart, teacher, because that's where your soul is." %w"Very good, Michael," she compliments, "And what about you, Johnny? What part of your body do YOU think goes to heaven first?" %wJohnny says, "Your feet, teacher."
"Your feet, Johnny? Why your feet?" %w"Well, teacher, last night when I walked by my Mom and Dad's room, I saw Mommy on her back with her feet way up in the air. Daddy was on top of her trying to hold her down and Mommy was yelling, `Oh, God. Oh, God! I'm coming!!'"h that thar duck." %w"But I shot it from the sky!" the hunter countered.
"Oh, yeah?" countered the farmer, "well, whatever lands in my yard is mine."
"But that's not fair, it belongs to me. I'll call the cops." %wThe farmer hesitated, then said, "Okay, let's make a deal. Let's take turns kicking each other in the groin. The man that can last the longest gets to keep the duck." %w"Well, okay, I guess," the hunter hesitated.
"I'll go first!" yelled the farmer and, without waiting for the hunter to answer, gave the most powerful kick he could right in the hunter's groin.
The hunter dropped to his knees and nearly blacked out, but, remembering the duck and his opportunity for revenge, he staggered to his feet. After a few deep breaths, he turned to the farmer, gave him a vengeful look, and said, "Ok, you %d! Now it's my turn!" %wThe farmer said, "Naw, that's okay. You can have the duck."
Miss LaRue walks to the chalkboard and draws a huge %d in a highly excited condition. Over the giggles of the class, the professor said, "Very nice, Miss LaRue. Now draw it the other way." %wTo which, she responded, "What other way?", yes, of course, dear." %wAt which, the girl burst into tears, "Oh, no! When I have Billy's baby, will it kick out all my teeth?"hing around in the hole with a long stick. "What are you doing with that stick?" he asks. %w"Oh, I accidentally dropped my coat into the hole," his buddy answers. %w"Forget about it! You can find another coat." %w"Oh, it's not the coat I want," his buddy says. "I had my lunch in the pocket!"e counter, and sees a sign that reads, "Make the mule laugh. Win $100.00!" "Is that all?" he chuckles. He walks out to the mule, whispers in his ear, and immediately the mule breaks out in laughter. The man collects his money and leaves. %wThe following week, he returns to the bar, and sees a new sign, "Make the mule cry. Win $200.00!" Again, he does nothing more than walk out to the mule, whisper in its ear, and immediately tears roll down the mule's cheeks. %w"How do you do that?" says the astonished bartender, paying him his $200.00. %w"Well," the man replies, "last week, I told him that my %d was bigger than his. This week, I proved it!" Who said, "There is one thing I do know. Women are fine, And sheep are divine, But llamas are numero uno!" hooker says, "Hey, where are you going? You haven't paid me."
"Paid?" the koala asks.
"Yeah, I'm a prostitute and I get paid for this." %w"What's a prostitute?" asks the koala. The hooker walks to the bookshelf, grabs a dictionary, flips through it for a few seconds, then reads, "`Prostitute: a woman who engages in sexual activity for money.'" %w"Oh. Well, I'm a koala bear," says the bear, walking out the door. "I suggest you look that up." %wShe flips through the pages, then reads, "`Koala Bear. A furry marsupial indigenous to Australia that eats bushes and leaves.'"Bubba were %ping off the end of a pier. Odell, wanting to impress his buddy, says, "This water sure is cold." %wBubba answers back, "Yeah, and it's deep, too!"der Woman lying on the beach, stark naked. He decides he'll swoop down for a Super-quickie and she'll never know what hit her. So he does: swoops down through the darkness, one quick Super-stroke, then up, up and away! Wonder Woman cried, "What was that?" %wThe Invisible Man replies, "I don't know, but man, does my ass hurt!"and clear freshwater springs. After he and his dog both had their fill, the man decides it's time to explore the island. All he found was sheep. He figured, "Aw, what the hell? It IS a desert island, and there IS no one around, and it HAS been a long time!" and he headed for the cutest nearby ewe. %wAs he did, his dog began to growl. Realizing his dog was unhappy with his idea, he decided to return to camp. "I guess I'll just have to wait until my dog is asleep." He did, and from then on, he satisfied his sexual desires with the island's sheep. %wOne day a raft carrying a voluptuous dark-haired woman approached the island. "I've been adrift at sea for days," she says, "I'm starving! Please, sir, feed me!" So he did. And when the brunette has finished her dinner, she looks straight into the man's eyes and says, "Oh, my hero! Thank you, thank you! How can I ever repay you? I'll do anything for you." %w"Anything at all?" he asks anxiously.
"Anything," she says, adding, "I, too, have been adrift on a raft for weeks. I'm incredibly horny!"
He thinks for just a moment. %w"Well, okay. How about watching my dog for a few minutes?"appeared before him. "Joe! It's you!" Moe exclaimed. "Oh, it's so good to see you again! What's it like there? Is there baseball in the afterlife?" %w"Well," says Joe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," said Moe.
%w"Okay. It's wonderful here. The weather's always perfect, when I get up in the morning I eat a fantastic breakfast, play baseball all morning, have a great lunch and then play baseball all afternoon. And guess who's on my team, Moe? Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig..."
"Wow, that sounds like heaven to me!" Moe interrupted. "But, what's the bad news?" %wJoe replied, "You're pitching next Tuesday."entlemen, we're having a little trouble in one of our four engines, but there's nothing to worry about. This airplane is perfectly safe with three engines. But, unfortunately, our flight will be delayed about one-half hour." %wTen minutes later the pilot's voice again comes over the loudspeaker, "Well, folks, a second engine has gone out, but there's still nothing to worry about. This airplane is perfectly safe with just two engines. But, we'll now be about one hour late." %wThe flight continues only a few more minutes when the %x guy notices a third engine has failed. He turns to his %z friend and says, %w"Geez! I hope that fourth engine doesn't go out. We'll be up here all day!"
"I'm here to offer you a deal," says the devil, "I'll make you the greatest lawyer in history, if in exchange you will give me the souls of your wife, your children, your mother, and your father, all of whom will suffer in hell for all eternity." %wThe lawyer says, "Do you think I'm a fool? Come on, what's the catch?"
"Yeah. We want to buy some two by fours," answers one %y.
"Well, we have them in all sizes," says the salesman. "How long do you want 'em?" %wOne %y replies, "Oh, for a long time. We're building a house."earing over the hill, only to stop at the sound of a rifle shot. %wThe panicked gentleman ran headlong into the night searching for his mare. As he topped the hill, he came upon a grisly scene: two hunters were standing over the dead body of his beloved mare. %w"What have you done to my mare?!" he wailed, falling to his knees beside the lifeless animal. "You killed her!!" %wOne of the distraught hunters answered defensively, "Hell, with that little hankie sticking out of her %v, I took her for a white-tail deer!"
The horny toad says, "rubbit, rubbit."inks, a Marine sergeant was washing his hands. The Leatherneck called to the man, "Hey, sailor. In the Marine Corps, they teach us to wash our hands after going to the bathroom." The fellow stepped back into the men's room and looked at the Marine. %w"Really? In the Navy, they teach us not to %p on our hands!"ing to live with us like one of the family. He'll eat at the same table with us. He'll even sleep in the same bed with me and my wife." %w"But what about the smell?" his friend asked. %w"Oh, he'll get used to it, just like I did!"times. The sixth night, four times, and the last night, nothing!" %w"Nothing?" Bob asked. "How come, Bill?" %w"Hey, man, have you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?"u a nine-inch dessert?" %wThere was only a moment of silence before the girl said, "You know, I really don't think you could get it up three times in a row!"was taken and as the officer eyed the results, he said, "Well, ma'am, it appears you've had a couple of stiff ones tonight." %w"That's amazing!" the girl cried. "I didn't know they could it show that, too!" at lunch, he places $500 on each of the women's desks. %wThe first woman returned it to him immediately. The second invested it in the market and returned $1,500 to him the next week. The third woman pocketed the money.
So who got the promotion? %wThe one with the big %ts, of course!was a fine Saturday morning at the pro shop when a woman entered and spoke to the man at the counter about an accident on the golf course. "I was hit by a golf ball out there!" said the lady in an obvious state of agitation. %w"Where?" asked the man. %w"Between the first and second holes!" she replied. %w"Oh, that's easy," he replied. "Your stance is too wide."
RE: NEW SICK LEAVE POLICY
No excuse. We no longer accept doctor's statements as proof of illness, as we believe that if you're well enough to get to some doctor's office, you're well enough to get to YOUR office! %w2. OPERATIONS
Not allowed. We discourage any thoughts you may have about needing some foolish operation. As long as you are employed here, you need all of everything you've got and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are now. To have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. %w3. RESTROOM PRIVILEGES
Still okay, but too much time is being spent in the restrooms. Beginning immediately, we will all go to the restroom in alphabetical order. Those whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00 a.m. to 8:05 a.m., "B" will go from 8:05 to 8:10 a.m., etc. If you miss your assigned time, just wait until tomorrow. %w4. DEATH
Acceptable excuse, but please give two weeks notice, so you can train someone to do your job.t does a brunette put behind her ears to attract men? %wPeroxide.a while, Quigley. I'll show you how to play left-field!" %wWhereupon the coach dropped two balls, slipped on the grass and fell on his face, and then ran into the centerfielder. Now really ticked off, the coach threw down his glove, stomped back to the dugout and bellowed, %w"Quigley, you messed up left field so bad, nobody can play it!"bout the new organization "D.A.M."? %w"Mothers Against Dyslexia"? %wThey both like a tight seal.
"This is the fire department, lady. Let me transfer you to the police department." %w"No, it's YOU I want," she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"is mother, "I've always been faithful to your father. But," and she hesitated, "with a million dollars, I could put you children through college, set you up in business, and your father could retire and stop worrying himself to death about work. I suppose, (even though I hate to admit it) that I would %f someone for a million dollars." %wThe son returned to his father and told him what his mother had said. The father nodded wisely and said, "Now go to your sister and ask her." So the boy went to his sister and put the question to her. %w"Golly," said his sister, "my boyfriend and I have been saving ourselves for when we get married. But," and she too hesitated, "with a million dollars, I could do so much good. I could donate to charity, I could fund research to cure diseases, I could provide shelter for the homeless. I suppose, (even though I hate to admit it) that I would %f someone for a million dollars." %wThe boy returned to his father and told him what his sister had said. The father nodded wisely and said, "There, son, you see? That's the difference between theory and reality." %w"I don't understand," said the boy. "How does that explain the difference between theory and reality?" %w"Well," explained the father, "in theory, we're two million dollars richer. In reality, we live with a couple of sluts."s eyes and says, "Honey, what were you thinking on this night twenty-five years ago?"
He says, "I was thinking I'd like to %f your brains out."
She replies lovingly, "And what are you thinking tonight?" %w"I think I succeeded!" Bernie looks so nice. He seems totally at peace with the world. But I'm so sorry I forgot to tell you to dress him in a blue suit. Bernie always looked so good in blue." %wThe mortician replies, "Why, madam, that would be no problem. We'd be pleased to honor your request." %wHe opens a door and yells, "Hey, Freddie! Swap heads on numbers six and thirteen!"hite.hey're now allowing women with PMS into desert combat. It makes sense. %wThey're mean as hell, plus they retain water!nt, but his %p is beautiful! the doctor quickly inserted. %wTwo weeks later, the gentleman returned for a check-up. The doctor asked, "How's it going?" %wThe man responded, "Well, Doc, everything seems to work perfectly, except for one small problem..." %w"...whenever I %j, I start to cry!"e no difference. He slowed and the chicken disappeared into the distance, leaving him in the dust! Fascinated, the salesman noticed a local farmer beside the road, so he stopped and asked the farmer, "Did you just see that three-legged chicken go by here?" %wThe farmer replied, "Why, yes, son, I shore did. Mah customers use'ta complain 'bout not gettin' enough drumsticks, so I been breedin' them three-legged chickens for a couple years now." %wThe salesman was impressed. "Why, that's a brilliant idea. But how do they taste?" %wThe farmer replied, "Don't know. Ain't never caught one."ung man ran head-first at the giant bell and slammed his face into it. The bell gave out a small, soft sound. %wThey were unimpressed. "Our parishioners will never hear a bell rung that softly," they argued. The man begged for another chance, which was granted. Again, the young man ran head-first at the giant bell and slammed his face into it. Again, the bell gave out a pitiful, feeble tone. %w"That will never do," they said. "It's obvious, you just can't handle this job."
"Oh, yes I can," he cried with determination. This time, he backed up to the far corner of the belfry, and ran at the bell as fast as he possibly could. Near the bell, he tripped over a loose board, and plummeted over the side, falling into the stone courtyard below! %wEveryone was horrified! They rushed headlong through the trapdoor, down the long stairs, out of the church, into the courtyard... only to find the young man sprawled across the stones, quite thoroughly dead. "The poor man," someone cried. "Who was he?" The priest opened the man's wallet and read his name aloud. %w"Hmm," said he, "the name's familiar... but the face just doesn't ring a bell!"
"Want me to steady your hand, dear?" asks his understanding wife. %w"No, I can hold the key okay. You steady the house!" and three to peel the M and Ms. in common? %wThey both have a little black box.!ned when the first one hit her head!wThey're both empty from the neck up.
She does so and replies, "Why, these don't fit me; they're way too big!"
"Just remember that," says the groom. "In this family, I wear the pants!" %wThe bride then takes off her panties and throws them to her new husband. "Here, honey. Try these on," she says.
Her husband, trying to humor her, tries to, but can't. He replies, "Why, these don't fit me; they're way too small! I can't even begin to get into your pants!" %w"That's right," she snaps, "and that's the way it's gonna stay until you change your goddamn attitude!"o tell him what had happened. "Really," asked the friend, "and what did he show you?" %w"This," said Johnny, unzipping his pants and pulling out his own, "and if this one were a little smaller, it'd be perfect!"spital!"
To which the man replied, "But this is no ordinary dog. Here, watch this!"
He pulls out a dollar, gives it to the dog and says, "Go buy me a paper." The dog trots out the door. %wIn a few minutes, the dog trots back in, carrying a newspaper. "That's pretty dang impressive," says the bartender. "Mind if I try him?"
"Sure, go ahead," replies the customer.
The bartender pulls out a five, gives it to the dog, and says, "Go buy me a magazine." The dog trots out the door. %wThis time the dog is gone fifteen minutes when the owner and bartender decide to hunt for him. They find him in the alley behind the bar, %fing a cute little French poodle. "What the hell's going on here?" shouts the owner. "You've never done this before!" %wAnd the dog says, "I've never had five dollars before!"the element of surprise. Go right home this afternoon, grab your wife, and immediately make wild, passionate love to her, no matter what she's doing."
So I did! %wIt was still the same old boring stuff, but her bridge club got a tremendous kick out of it!!any attention to me." %wHe looks up at me and says, "When did you get here?" midgets? %wIt features full runtal nudity.ir kind of sex? %wTastes great. %wLess filling. %wTastes great! %wLess filling!old him she'd never been bolted. The farmer in the doll..." %wShe had her period six times in one day!y best sexual encounter was in the South Sea Islands... %wI pushed a volcano into a virgin! weeks of blues and a week of ragtime!
To which, the C.E.O. replied, "Imagine! Finding a C.P.A. way out here!"
The C.P.A. yelled up, "How did you know I was a C.P.A.?" %w"Simple," responded the C.E.O. "You just gave me absolutely accurate information that was totally irrelevant!"le Uranus, seeking out Klingons! wishes to you, my %x friend, I'll grant one wish to each of you." %wThis seems fair enough, so the %x guy thinks and thinks. "I miss my wife and children. Genie, send me home!" and POOF! the %x disappears. %wThe %y guy thinks a moment and says, "I know. I've always wanted to visit France. Genie, send me to Paris!" and POOF! the %y disappears. %wThe %z guy thinks just a moment. "I don't want to be left here all alone. I sure wish those other guys were back!" and POOF!d uses a vibrator? %wChipped teeth! Wednesday, Winton hurriedly had everything installed: cellular phone, fax machine, copier, halogen work lights, computer, the works! On Thursday, he happened to pull up beside Bradford's BMW at a stop light. Wanting to show off his new mobile office, he honked the horn.
After a few seconds with no response, he honked again. Again, nothing.
Finally, he laid on the horn. Eventually, Bradford's totally darkened window slid silently down. %w"Yes?" Bradford snarled. "What is it?" %w"Why, Bradford," Winton grinned, "I just wanted to show you MY mobile office!" Bradford grimaced. %w"What? You mean you got me out of the hot tub just for that?!" complete with pilot. He drove as fast as he could, found the airport, drove down the runway to where the plane was idling, ditched his car in the weeds, grabbed his equipment, ran breathlessly to the plane and leaped inside. %w"Hit it!" he shouted to the pilot, who immediately pushed the throttle forward making the tiny plane leap into the air. %wAs soon as the plane cleared the airport, the photographer turned to the pilot and said, "I want you to circle the fire once so I can get some long shots, then take me down as close to the flames as possible. We should get some spectacular shots out of this one!" %wThe pilot stared back, slack-jawed. "You mean," he said, "you're not my instructor?"e to worry about your car. We've got to get you to a hospital. You've lost your left arm!"
Glancing down, the Yuppie began to chant... %w"My Rolex! My Rolex!! MY ROLEX!!"efore he could finish the word, his father back-handed him for impudence, knocking him boots over buttocks, leaving him sprawled across the cafe floor. %wThe waitress, unimpressed, continued with business. "So, whacha gonna have?" The younger son looked impressed. %w"Weeelll, I dunno. But you can be sure I ain't gonna have me one o' them gawd-damned cheeseburger!"her head? %w"All you can eat under a buck!"ing lawyers instead of rats? %wLawyers will do things rats won't.ndred-dollar bill and deposits it lovingly in the coffin. %wNot wanting to be outdone, the doctor pulls out two hundred-dollar bills and places them in the coffin. %wThe lawyer writes a check for $600, puts it in the coffin, and removes $300 in change. and give the other a sign." Shortly thereafter, Abe died, and Harry waited for him to appear with his sign. Months passed. Then one day, the telephone rang. %w"Hello, Harry?" said the voice. "It's me Abe, calling from the great beyond."
"Abe!" Harry said. "It's you! Where are you?" %w"Harry, I'm where the grass is green, the air is clean, and the mountains touch the sky. I wake up in the morning, have a little grass, make a little love, take a little nap. In the afternoon, I have a little more grass, make a little more love, take another nap. In the evening, I have yet some more grass, make love again, then go to sleep." %w"So there IS a heaven!" %w"Heaven? What, heaven? I'm a buffalo in Montana!"oss the Godfather with a lawyer? %wAn offer you can't understand!dsheet one more time." %wThe lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights, then asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"ne available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers kibitzing in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. %wThe lawyers all agreed this would be a novel experience, so they followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial lasted about ten minutes. It was obvious the defendant was guilty. So, the jury left for the jury room, the judge got ready to go home, and everyone waited. %wThree hours later, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge asked, "Well? Have they reached a verdict yet?" %wThe bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still giving nominating speeches for the position of foreman!"an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to another exciting weekend, he climbed the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There in the hallway sat his lover with an infant on her lap! %w"Helen," he cried, "why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant? I would have rushed up here to marry you so our baby would have my name!" %w"Well," she said, "once I told my folks about my condition, we sat up late one night holding a long family discussion. We all agreed we'd rather have a bastard in the family than a lawyer!"ne particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, surprised to get a freebie from a lawyer, readily agreed. %wThey had a splendid time in the country, rising early, living in the great outdoors. One beautiful morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went way back in the woods to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they gathered tremendous quantities of blueberries and raspberries from the berry patch, suddenly two huge bears appeared, a male and a female. %wThe lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could to find the local sheriff, who grabbed a shotgun and raced back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the same two bears were still there. %w"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, all while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the OTHER bear! %w"Are you mad?" screamed the lawyer. "Why did you do that? I told you he was in the other bear!" %w"Well, that's true," replied the sheriff, "but who do you know who would believe a lawyer who told you `the Czech was in the male?'"However, if you need someone to screw a light bulb...
Doctor: "I'll be over in 20 minutes."
Mother: "What should I do in the meantime?" %wDoctor: "Use a ball point." "I agree, but I'd like to hear it anyway."ODAY'S SPECIAL: BRAINS" and comments to the butcher, "Those %x brains look fresh. How much for %x brains?" %w"Three dollars a pound," replies the butcher.
Hmm. That seems reasonable, thinks the cannibal. "Oh, I notice you have %y brains, too. How much for %y brains?" %w"Five dollars a pound," replies the butcher.
Hmm. Perhaps. Then he spots a price tag way over in the corner, "Hey, how much for that tiny package of %z brains over there?" %w"Ninety dollars a pound," replies the butcher.
"NINETY DOLLARS A POUND?!" cries the cannibal. "Why, that's outrageous! Why do you charge so much for %z brains?" %wThe butcher shakes his head and says, "Do you know how many %zs I gotta go through to come up with a pound of brains?!"new bottle of the finest Russian vodka, cracks the seal, takes a small nip, and says, "In Russia, we make the finest vodka in all the world! And we have so much vodka, we can afford to just throw it away!"
And with that, he opens the window and tosses the brand-new bottle out the window and into the night. The others seem mildly impressed. %wThe Cuban pulls out a brand-new box of fine Havana cigars, extracts one, lights it, and says, "In Cuba, we make the finest cigars in all the world! And we have so many cigars, we can afford to just throw them away!"
And with that, he throws the brand-new box of Havanas out the open window and into the night. The others seem mildly impressed. %wThe American says nothing, but simply stands up and throws his lawyer out the open window.eals a piece of meat from my shop, should I demand reimbursement from the dog's owner?"
The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." %w"Then you owe me $10.00 for the roast your dog just stole from my shop!" %wThe lawyer, without a word, nodded and hands the butcher a ten-dollar bill. %wThe next week, the butcher receives an envelope in the mail from the same lawyer: "Burglary consultation, 0.1 hours @ $200.00/hour, $20.00"he farmer said he would be glad to run them to the nearest gas station, but since it had closed for the evening long ago, they were welcome to spend the night with him. He apologized that he only had two beds, so one of the three would have to sleep on the hay pile out in the barn. The three quickly agreed it would be far better than sleeping in their car. %wThe rabbi kindly volunteered to sleep in the barn, giving the beds to his two companions. But after only ten minutes, there was a knock on the bedroom door. There stood the rabbi, exclaiming, "I can't sleep in the barn; there's a pig out there. It's against my religion to sleep with pigs!" %wSo the Hindu volunteered to sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. But after only five minutes, again there was a knock on the bedroom door. There stood the Hindu, exclaiming, "I can't sleep in that barn; there's a cow out there! It's against my religion to sleep with a cow!" %wSo the lawyer, anxious to finally get some sleep, volunteered to go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals. But after only two minutes, once again there was a knock at the bedroom door. %wThere stood the pig and the cow!eas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part ("Light Bulb") shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spill-over illumination being at the option of the party of the second part ("Light Bulb") and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. %wThe aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: %w1. The party of the first part ("Lawyer") shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder, or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part ("Light Bulb") and rotate the party of the second part ("Light Bulb") in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable. %w2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part ("Light Bulb") becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part ("Lawyer") shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part ("Light Bulb") in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes. %w3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part ("Lawyer") shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with a reversal of procedures described in step one of this self same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. %wNOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part ("Lawyer"), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the first part.an what the other men do. The foreman replied, "Up on the hill behind that shed is a barrel with a knothole in its side. Most of the guys use that." %wThe lumberjack said he could never do that and walked away. But, after a few more lonely weeks, he changed his mind, and late one night, headed up the hill. There, behind the shed, he found the barrel and tried the knothole. To his surprise, he found it quite pleasant; in fact, very enjoyable. %wOver breakfast the next morning, he remarked to the foreman, "Say, that barrel is truly amazing! Does this mean that any night I want to, I can just go behind the shed and use that barrel?" %w"Any night but Thursdays," the foreman replied.
"Why not Thursdays?" asked the lumberjack. %wThe foreman replied, "'cause Thursday's your night in the barrel!" rear-end over the railing, just in the nick of time! Heaving a sigh of relief as she finished, she glanced down, let out a shriek, and ran back to the car in embarrassment. %w"What's wrong, Liza?" asked Ernie.
"Oh, Ernie, I'm so ashamed! In my dire need, I forgot to check the creek below the bridge. Ernie, I just %ped into a canoe!!" %wAt which Ernie looked at her and smiled, "Dammit, Liza! Don'cha know yur own reflection?!"un replied, "What do you mean, 'twice?'" %wThe younger nun said, "Well, we are coming back this way, aren't we?"ted Silver galloping over the hilltop with a beautiful, naked woman riding on his back!! %wThe Lone Ranger shouted, "You idiot! I said POSSE!"nd her skirt had slipped a little higher. The same dude walked by again, and said, "Ooooh, Liza! You've got the prettiest thighs I've ever seen! I'd just love to cover those with oil and rub it all in for you!!" She also ignored this remark, and continued drinking. %wA little later, she was a lot drunker, and her skirt had slipped a lot higher. The same dude walked by again, and said, "Ooooooh, Liza! Why, that's the prettiest %v I've ever seen!! I'd like to fill that up with ice cream, and eat it all out!!" %wShe'd had enough! She hopped off the stool, stomped from the bar, raced to the car, and woke Ernie. "Ernie, you good for nothing, I want you to go in that bar and defend my honor!" %wErnie grumbled, "What the devil are you talking about, woman?" %wShe says, "Why, this big dude came walking by and said I have the prettiest knees he's ever seen, and then he said I have the prettiest thighs he's ever seen, and then he said I have the prettiest %v he's ever seen, and he wants to fill it with ice cream, and eat it all out!! Now, you get in there and defend my honor!!" %wErnie just rolled over, closed his eyes, and said, "Get in the car, Liza!" %w"What do you mean, `Get in the car!'? I want you to go in there and defend my honor!" %w"Get in the car, Liza! Any man that can eat THAT much ice cream ain't to be %fed with!"was closed, he used a shop in a rather questionable neighborhood. He completed his purchase and walked outside as a lady of the evening shouted, "Hey, buddy! 25 bucks for a quickie?" %wHe ignored her, and returned to the church. However, his curiosity had been piqued, so seeing Sister Liza in the garden, he asked, "Sister Liza, what's a quickie?" She replied "25 bucks, same as is town!"e suggested a drive-in movie, and she readily agreed. While watching the film, they became very friendly, and subsequently quite passionate. She suggested they go someplace where they could be alone. He drove to a deserted country lane, and they became even more friendly. Unfortunately, because of her handicap and his car seats, it was impossible for them to continue. %wQuickly improvising, she noticed a nearby tree with two low branches. "If you'd carry me to that tree," she said, "I could hold those branches and we can finish what we both want!" He did, and she did, and they did, and it was wonderful! %wLater, they returned to her home. He was pushing her wheelchair up the sidewalk when her father opened the front door. "My, such a courteous young man," her father said. "What a pleasure it is to see that chivalry is not dead!" %w"Why, sir," the young man responded, "the least a gentleman can do is walk his lady to the door!" %w"Yes," replied the dad, "but you know how guys are these days. A lotta guys just leave her hanging in a tree somewhere!"wisted! What happened to you?" %wThe man thought fast and said, "Uhh, err, ah... when I was a little kid, I had ah, TOELIO." %wThe hooker shrugged and then watched the man remove his pants. She saw his misshapen knees and said, "Woah! What in the world happened to your knees?" %wThinking fast, the man said, "Uhh, err, ah... when I was a little kid, I had ah, KNEESLES!" %wAgain, the woman shrugged, and the man proceeded to pull off his underwear. The hooker just groaned and said, "Wait a minute, let me guess..." %w"...SMALLCOX?"ent for a change?"
"You mean, switching? For the night? Sounds like fun to me! Let's go ask the girls!" %wThey did and, much to their surprise, the wives consented to the experiment. %wThe next morning, the husbands compared notes. "How did you like it?" asked the first husband.
"Not bad at all," replied the other... %w"Let's go see how the girls made out!"
The other two vetoed the idea. "Oh, right, with only $5, only two of us could get in. That's no good, it has to be something we can all do." %w"Let's go get ice cream," offered the second boy.
The other two shouted him down. "Oh, yeah, for five dollars, we can get at most two sundaes. That's no good, think of something we can all do." %w"Let's go buy a box of tampons," the third one said.
The other two just stared at him as if he were crazy. "Why in the world would we want to do that?" they asked. %w"Well," answered the third boy, "it says right on the box... we can go horseback riding, and surfing, and play tennis, and..."ot belong in there. The proctologist tugged and tugged and finally yanked hard enough to pull out... a bouquet of roses! %wIn amazement, the proctologist said to the %g, "Did you know you had a dozen roses up your ass?" %wThe %g said, "Oh, read the card. Read the card!"d. He gesturing with his right hand, "And everybody on THAT shide of the room, ish a goddamn %g!" %wNobody moved, except for one man who walked across the room. The drunk snarled at him and cried, "Hey, you! You tryin' to sshtart a fight?" %w"No, sir!" squealed the man. "I was on the wrong side!"the screen, dropped his pants, and stuck his %p through the screen.
The nurse walked over, shrieked, and dropped her tray of instruments. "That's not a foot!" she screamed. %wThe drunk replied, "Sshorry, lady! I didn't know there was a minimum."
103 West 103 West Paces Ferry Road Atlanta, GA 30305 404 233 5993
American/French 3018 Maple Drive (Pharr Road) Atlanta, GA 30305 404 237 0347
Northern Italian 1232 West Paces Ferry Road Atlanta, GA 30327 404 261 3662
Continental Ritz Carlton Buckhead, 3434 Peach Street Road Atlanta, GA 30340 404 237 2700
Continental 301 Light Street Baltimore, MD 21202 301 244 8811
Seafood/Traditional 1517 Shattuck Avenue Berkeley, CA 94709 415 548 5525
American/French 578 Tremont Street Boston, MA 02118 617 267 6068
French Country 240 Commercial Street Boston, MA 02109 617 523 1126
New England 5 South Charles Street Boston, MA 02116 617 723 6800
"International Country" 18140 Highway 12; Boyes Hot Springs, CA 95416 707 938 9000
American 1 Water Street Brooklyn, NY 11201 718 522 5200
New American 816 West Armitage Chicago, IL 60614 312 248 6228
American/French 500 North Clark Street Chicago, IL 60610 312 467 9780
American 410 West Huron Street Chicago, IL 60610 312 943 5900
Italian 114 East 6th Street Cinncinati, OH 45202 513 721 2260
French 190 Hyeholde Drive Coraopolis, PA 15108 412 264 3116
American/French 636 Franklin Street Gretna, LA 70053 504 362 4914
French 234 Magnolia Avenue Larkspur, CA 94939 415 924 7766
American Regional 617 South Olive Street Los Angeles, CA 90014 213 627 2300
Italian 3159 Commodore Plaza Miami, FL 33133 305 448 5723
French/italian 7399 Saint Helena Highway Napa, CA 94558 707 944 2424
California 1303 Washington Avenue New Orleans, LA 70130 504 899 8221
American/French 2 Park Avenue New York, NY 10016 212 684 2122
American 13 West 54th Street New York, NY 10019 212 307 7311
Scandinavian 34 East 61st Street New York, NY 10021 212 319 1660
American 60 East 49th Street New York, NY 10017 212 692 9292
American 33 Carmine Street New York, NY 10014 212 242 8729
Jamaican 165 Duane Street New York, NY 10023 212 608 3852
French 243 East 58th Street New York, NY 10022 212 758 1479
Italian 12 East 12th Street New York, NY 10003 212 620 4020
American/French 155 West 51st Street New York, NY 10019 212 489 1515
French/Seafood 58 East 65th Street New York, NY 10021 212 794 9292
French 120 West 51st Street New York, NY 10019 212 956 7100
French/American 249 East 50th Street New York, NY 10022 212 752 2225
French 57 West 58th Street New York, NY 10019 212 371 7777
Seafood 151 West 51st Street New York, NY 10019 212 245 4850
Italian 414 Park Avenue South New York, NY 10016 212 689 1360
French 231 Varick Street New York, NY 10014 212 929 1630
American The Drake Hotel, 65 East 56th Street New York, NY 10022 212 832 1565
French/Thai 240 Central Park South New York, NY 10019 212 265 5959
Italian 205 East 49th Street New York, NY 10017 212 753 0444
American Steak House 99 East 52nd Street New York, NY 10022 212 754 9494
American 1523 Walnut Street Philadelphia, PA 19102 215 567 1000
French 777 Sutter Street San Francisco, CA 94109 415 673 7779
French Fort Mason Center, Building A San Francisco, CA 94123 415 771 6222
Vegetarian 190 Pacific Ave. San Francisco, CA 94111 415 788 1110
Continental/Medit. 150 Redwood Alley San Francisco, CA 94102 415 861 7827
Contemp. American 3115 West Pico Boulevard Santa Monica, CA 90405 213 829 4313
Italian 431 Saint Armands Sarasota, FL 34236 813 388 4415
Continental 3589 Weber Street Sarasota, FL 34239 813 923 8468
Italian 96 Union Street at 1st Ave. Seattle, WA 98101 206 623 7340
Italian 14560 Manchester Road; Manchester Plaza St. Louis, MO 63011 314 772 5958
Italian Hotel Rajestic, 1019 Pine Street St. Louis, MO 63101 314 771 4100
American 826 North Broadway St. Louis, MO 63102 314 231 7007
Continental 1208 South Howard Avenue Tampa, FL 33606 813 251 2421
Continental 2650 Virginia Avenue NW Washington, DC 20037 202 298 4488
Contemp. French 2100 Massachusetts Avenue Washington, DC 20009 202 659 8000
French Continental 269 South Milwaukee Avenue Wheeling, IL 60090 708 541 7470
French 403 Duke Of Gloucester Williamsburg, VA 23185 804 229 8610
Regional American � everywhere
burger, fries, shakes breakfast � everywhere
burger, fries, shakes breakfast � everywhere
burger, fries, shakes breakfast � everywhere
burger, fries, shakes breakfast � everywhere
Mexican � everywhere
roast beef � everywhere
breakfast, lunch American � everywhere
breakfast, lunch � Mid-West
small burgers by the sack � everywhere
pizza � everywhere
pizza, delivery � everywhere
pizza � Oakhurst, CA
great pizza (Hey, Al Lowe eats there!) Oakhurst, CA