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2.msgEdit

0 0 34 1 1 Oooh. 0 0 34 2 2 Um. 0 0 25 1 1 I'll buy a die. 0 0 25 2 1 I'll buy some dice. 0 0 25 3 2 I'll buy a die. 0 0 25 4 2 I'll buy some dice. 0 0 26 1 1 I'll buy a dice. 0 0 26 2 2 Die! 0 0 26 3 1 Pardon me. I didn't know you were that competitive. Maybe I should come back later when you calm down. 0 0 26 4 2 Larry! Darling. It's one DIE, two DICE. Dice is the plural of die. 0 0 26 5 1 Oh, well, I knew that. Never mind. 0 0 7 1 2 Show `em. 0 0 7 2 2 Let's see `em. 0 0 7 3 2 I don't think so. 0 0 7 4 2 Two words: Fat. Chance. 0 0 7 5 2 In your dreams, Larry! Show `em. 0 0 7 6 2 I've got a bad feeling about this, but oh, what the hell! Let's see em. 0 0 7 7 1 Let's see `em. 0 0 7 8 1 Show `em. 0 0 7 9 1 Let's see what ya got. 0 0 7 10 1 I think you're bluffing, sister. 0 0 7 11 1 Not a chance. 0 0 7 12 1 Waddaya think? I just fell off the turnip truck? Show `em, babe! 0 0 7 13 1 Yeah, and I'm the Queen of England. Let's see `em. 0 0 7 14 1 Ahhh...what the hell. Let's see whatchu got. 0 0 33 1 1 What? 0 0 33 2 2 Huh? 0 0 4 1 2 Let's get a move on, Larry. 0 0 4 2 2 C'mon, Larry. I'm just aching to see that cute butt of yours! 0 0 4 3 2 Go ahead and challenge, Larry. I'm lying my ass off. 0 0 4 4 2 Y'know what women really like, Larry? Indecisive guys. Swear to God. 0 0 4 5 2 Now what does this remind me of? Grass growing? Paint drying? No, that's more exciting... 0 0 32 1 1 Aw. 0 0 32 2 2 Oh. 0 0 12 1 2 Well, I guess it's the bra or the panties. I just don't know. I've...never gone this far before. I'm so embarrassed. I'll flip a coin. Heads: panties. Tails: bra. 0 0 12 2 1 Shouldn't it be the other way around? 0 0 12 3 2 Whatever you say, Larry. Tails! Panties it is. 0 0 12 4 1 Oooh, my cup runneth over! 0 0 12 5 1 Doh! 0 0 12 6 2 Here you are, Larry. You earned them. 0 0 12 7 1 Perhaps I could... freshen your drink? 0 0 12 8 2 No, thanks. I'll just suck...on the ice cubes. 0 0 12 9 1 Oooooh. 0 0 29 1 2 Well, well, Larry. I guess that's it. Goodnight. 0 0 29 2 1 Waddaya mean, goodnight? Why... I thought... I mean... you mean?... 0 0 29 3 2 Do you mind returning the dice cups on your way? 0 0 21 1 2 I suppose I'll... sell off my blouse. 0 0 21 2 1 Now we're getting somewhere! Hubba hubba! Whoo hooo! 0 0 21 3 2 Larry. Control yourself. 0 0 23 1 2 Darn...I need to lose another piece of clothing. 0 0 23 2 1 Oh! Pinch me, I'm dreaming. 0 0 23 3 2 Silly me, I forgot about my earrings. 0 0 23 4 1 What? 0 0 23 5 2 It's clothing! I'm wearing it, aren't I? 0 0 23 6 1 Yeah, but I don't wear earrings. 0 0 23 7 2 Are you saying that you're not man enough to allow a poor, frail woman a little handicap? 0 0 23 8 1 No...I guess not. 0 0 23 9 2 You're a prince, Larry. 0 0 23 10 5 That's not what I would call it! 0 0 24 1 2 And here goes the other earring. Getting excited, Larry? 0 0 24 2 1 Ecstatic. 0 0 19 1 2 I think I'll start with my shoe. 0 0 19 2 1 Hey, I kicked off my shoes before we started. 0 0 19 3 2 Didn't we agree we'd play with what we had on? 0 0 19 4 1 Yeah...I suppose so. 0 0 20 1 2 And now the other shoe. 0 0 20 2 1 I've been waiting for that one to drop. 0 0 22 1 2 Looks like this skirt will have to go. 0 0 22 2 5 Never again will I doubt the power of prayer. 0 0 31 1 1 Yes! 0 0 31 2 2 Oh, yes! 0 0 11 1 2 Son of a... 0 0 11 2 2 I guess it wasn't meant to be. 0 0 11 3 2 C'est la vie. 0 0 11 4 2 I thought I had ya. 0 0 11 5 2 I'll get you next time. 0 0 11 6 1 Doh! 0 0 11 7 1 Aaaarrrgh! 0 0 11 8 1 Rrrrrrr. 0 0 11 9 1 It's just my luck. 0 0 11 10 1 I don't believe it. 0 0 14 1 1 Boy, I hate to lose this jacket. It's been wrinkle-free for over 15 years. 0 0 14 2 2 I'll make sure it gets a good home. Preferably some landfill. 0 0 17 1 1 I can't believe I'm losing my medallion! You wouldn't believe how many quarters it took to get this out of that machine! 0 0 17 2 39 I'm surprised they could get a quarter. 0 0 16 1 1 Take care of these pants. They're custom-made: perma-press, super-high- gloss, and fireproof. 0 0 16 2 39 So incineration is out, I guess. Gee, I'm...impressed. 0 0 15 1 1 I'm losin' my shirt playin' this game. Literally! 0 0 15 2 2 It's a tough world. You wanna play or ya wanna jaw? 0 0 18 1 1 Well, I guess my jockeys are all that's left. Prepare yourself. 0 0 18 2 2 Larry, I don't think anything could prepare me for that! 0 0 18 3 1 Something else, isn't it? 0 0 18 4 2 Something else is right! 0 0 27 1 2 Ok, chew on this. 0 0 27 2 2 The dice are calling. They say, "Higher! Higher!" 0 0 27 3 2 And awaaay we go. 0 0 27 4 2 I just can't help myself. Your move. 0 0 27 5 2 And it just keeps going higher. Pressure getting to you, Larry? 0 0 27 6 1 And over to you. 0 0 27 7 1 Okay, there's my bet. Challenge it; I dare ya. 0 0 27 8 1 I'm betting just a wee bit higher. 0 0 27 9 1 I think the truth is closer to this. 0 0 27 10 1 I'm going for the gusto. 0 0 30 1 2 You need to increase the bet, Larry. I thought you knew how to play this game? Either move higher on the bid line or increase the number on the die. 0 0 30 2 2 You can't play with no dice. You have to buy at least one. 0 0 30 3 2 You can't show all your dice...you need at least one to reroll. 0 0 30 4 2 You have to show a die or it's not "show" and reroll. 0 0 30 5 2 You don't have enough money to buy the clothes I'm selling. You can either give up or sell some of your clothes for extra money. I recommend you give up. 0 0 30 6 2 You open. 0 0 30 7 2 It's your bet. 0 0 30 8 2 I don't have enough money to do that. I guess I'll have to sell some clothes. 0 0 30 9 1 I don't have enough money to do that. I guess I'd better sell some clothes. 0 0 3 1 2 Make yourself comfortable, Larry. 0 0 3 2 1 Great! Mind if I kick off my shoes? 0 0 3 3 2 Ummmm...sure. Do you know how to play strip Liar's Dice, Larry? 0 0 3 4 1 No...but I'm sure I'll pick it up. Let's go! 0 0 3 5 2 We'll play with what we've got on right now, OK? 0 0 3 6 1 Sure! 0 0 3 7 2 All right. Let's roll! 0 0 9 1 2 Looks like I just squeaked through. 0 0 9 2 2 Well, look at that. I win. 0 0 9 3 1 And look at that: you had the dice. I must be psychic. 0 0 9 4 1 Looks like they're all there. 0 0 9 5 1 I do believe I win. Imagine that. 0 0 5 1 1 C'mon, baby! 0 0 5 2 1 Rattle them bones! 0 0 5 3 1 Shake it like you mean it! 0 0 6 1 1 Come on! Baby needs a new pair of shoes! 0 0 6 2 2 What the hell is that supposed to mean? 0 0 6 3 1 I dunno. I heard it once in a movie, I think. 0 0 28 1 1 That's my bet. I'll show these dice and reroll. 0 0 28 2 1 Okee dokee. In addition to raising, I'll give you this to think about. 0 0 28 3 2 Here's my bet, and here's a few visual aids. 0 0 28 4 2 The bet is high, but I think these will give you something to think about. 0 0 28 5 2 Before you challenge me, you may want to feast your eyes on these. 0 0 28 6 1 They're beautiful, all right. But what about the game? 0 0 28 7 2 The dice, Larry. I mean, feast your eyes on the dice. 0 0 13 1 2 Larry! You couldn't bluff your way out of a cardboard box. 0 0 13 2 2 And once again, I am victorious. 0 0 13 3 2 You play with fire, you get burned, Larry. 0 0 13 4 2 I win, you lose. Simple as that. 0 0 13 5 2 And she's got the magic touch. 0 0 13 6 2 Yes! 0 0 13 7 1 I guess I got the touch. 0 0 13 8 1 Oooohhh yeah. 0 0 13 9 1 I guess you're not the bluffer you think you are, sweet-cakes. 0 0 13 10 1 Ooo, touch me, I'm on fire! 0 0 13 11 1 When you've got it, you've got it. 0 0 13 12 1 I'm on a roll! 0 0 10 1 2 I think the dice speak for themselves. 0 0 10 2 2 And it looks like we HAVE A LOSER! 0 0 10 3 2 Aw shucks, Larry. It's just too easy taking your money. 0 0 10 4 1 And to think you doubted me. 0 0 10 5 1 Psych! 0 0 10 6 1 When you're hot, you're hot. 0 0 8 1 2 Read `em and weep. 0 0 8 2 2 Joke's on you, Larry. 0 0 8 3 2 Gotcha! 0 0 8 4 1 Ahhhh...victory is sweet. 0 0 8 5 1 Better luck next time, babe. 0 0 8 6 1 I'm a Laffer, not a bluffer! 1 0 25 1 98 Buy a Die 1 0 35 1 98 Continue 1 0 2 1 98 What would you like to do?

11.msgEdit

0 0 13 1 98 THYGH'S MAN TROPHY CONTEST 0 0 6 1 98 Poop Deck Horseshoes 0 0 7 1 98 Craps Tournament 0 0 8 1 98 Tail Deck Bowling 0 0 9 1 98 LoveMaster 2000\05 0 0 10 1 98 Captain's Cook-Off 0 0 11 1 98 Best-Dressed Man 0 0 12 1 98 Chastity 0 46 0 1 98 Venezuelan Beaver Cheese 0 43 0 1 98 Venezuelan Beaver Milk 0 29 0 1 98 "Erotic" Book In "Prudish" Jacket 0 28 0 1 98 "The Erotic Adventures of Hercules" 0 27 0 1 98 "Prudish and Proud" Book Jacket 0 138 0 1 98 "Prudish And Proud" Sans Jacket 0 26 0 1 98 "Prudish and Proud" 0 57 0 1 98 Bowling Ball 0 52 0 1 98 Carving Knife 0 34 0 1 98 Battery Powered Chase Lights 0 32 0 1 98 Deodorant Spray 0 40 0 1 98 Legal Dice 0 39 0 1 98 Shaved Dice 0 38 0 1 98 Souvenir Dice 0 137 0 1 98 Earplugs 0 30 0 1 98 Fire Hose 0 98 0 1 98 Lil' Hair Weave Kit 0 55 0 1 98 Woman's Handkerchief 0 33 0 1 98 Heat Lamp Bulb 0 36 0 1 98 Horseshoe 0 58 0 1 98 Life Insurance Policy 0 51 0 1 98 Jumper Wire 0 17 0 1 98 Your Cabin Keycard 0 17 5 1 98 Photo ID Keycard 0 47 0 1 98 Kumquats 0 54 0 1 98 KZ Sexual Lubricant 0 18 0 1 98 Dirty Pictures 0 45 0 1 98 Lime Juice 0 56 0 1 98 Treated Handkerchief 0 73 0 1 98 Magazine Page 0 155 0 1 98 Ship's Map 0 23 0 1 98 Custodial Key 0 44 0 1 98 Mold 0 72 0 1 98 Wad o' Dough 0 19 0 1 98 Mucilage 0 65 0 1 98 Bent Needle 0 14 0 1 98 Needle 0 49 0 1 98 Orgasmic Powder 0 22 0 1 98 Passport 0 21 0 1 98 Photo ID 0 53 0 1 98 Polyester Cloth 0 41 0 1 98 Pot 0 48 0 1 98 Kumquat Quiche 0 74 0 1 98 Quiche de Larry 0 35 0 1 98 Remote Control 0 42 0 1 98 Salt 0 16 0 1 98 TMT Scorecard 0 50 0 1 98 Screwdriver 0 31 0 1 98 Silicone Lubricant 0 20 0 1 98 Sticky Photograph 0 59 0 1 98 Stock Certificate 0 24 0 1 98 Suitcase 0 25 0 1 98 CodMaster 2000\05 0 37 0 1 98 Toilet Paper 0 13 0 1 98 Vice Grips\05 1 1 0 1 99 The Venezuelan Beaver Cheese is pale yellow, with hints of color marbling its velvety surface, kind of like cottage cheese at a July picnic! 1 42 0 1 99 The ship's kitchen would be a perfect place to mix ingredients. 1 42 4 1 99 You COULD prepare something, IF you had a recipe, AND you had all the ingredients. 2 1 0 1 99 It's the milk of beaver kindness. (BEAT) Was it good for you? 3 1 0 1 99 On the outside, it's the story of principled women who avoid temptation through abstinence and willpower, but on the inside, it's nothing but sin, sin, sin! 4 1 0 1 99 It's "The Erotic Adventures of Hercules," soon to be a major motion picture starring Troy McClure. Every page smolders with intense passion, engulfing the reader in depradations of wicked lust. (BEAT) At least, that's what it says on the back cover. 5 1 0 1 99 It's the dust jacket from "Prudish and Proud." 54 1 0 1 99 This is Victorian's book just the way you'd like to see her. Without cover. 6 1 0 1 99 "Prudish and Proud: The Gripping Saga of Three Demure Librarians who Resist the Temptations of the Flesh and Affirm Their Commitment to Moral Principles. #126 in a series of 200." Sounds right up your alley, Larry. 7 1 0 1 99 This isn't the first time you've stuck your fingers in something round, firm, heavy, and hard. 7 1 0 2 1 Oh, yeah. I've bowled before. 8 1 0 1 99 It's not the best knife in the world, but carving s'Pork hardly requires high-carbon steel. 9 1 0 1 99 The Juggs' costumes were decorated with strings of battery-powered chase lights. Everything seems intact, but there doesn't seem to be any way to turn them on. 9 1 0 2 1 I wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard that! 9 35 0 1 99 9 62 0 1 1 Come on, baby. Light my fire! 9 62 0 2 99 That's got to be history's worst attempt to "turn on" a light! 11 1 0 1 99 It's the official state deodorant of Texas: "Smokin' Pits: with the smell of down home barbecue." 12 1 0 1 1 This pair of white plastic dice is just like the ones used in casinos. 12 1 0 2 99 These ARE the dice from the casino, Einstein! 12 1 0 3 1 Told you! 13 1 0 1 99 This pair of white plastic dice is just like the ones used in casinos, except some fool has sanded them down so they can't lose. 13 1 0 2 1 Hey! 13 1 0 3 99 Oh. Was that you? 13 37 0 1 99 You've done a good job on them. Any more would ruin their delicate IMbalance. 14 1 0 1 99 This pair of white plastic dice is just like the ones used in casinos, except for a few little specks of glue. 14 37 0 1 1 I'll bet I show that Jacques now! 53 1 0 1 99 Professional audio engineers always use earplugs when working around high sound pressure levels to ensure their hearing remains sensitive and accurate. 53 1 0 2 1 Ick! I don't want those. They'll be all waxy! 53 1 0 3 99 No, these are unused. 15 1 0 1 99 Your hose is long and thick. 15 1 0 2 1 I wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard that! 15 1 0 3 99 You'd still be broke! 52 1 0 1 99 La Costa Lotta thoughtfully provides one of these complimentary "Lil' Hair Weave Kits" to every guest's room. 52 61 0 1 99 You open the La Costa Lotta complimentary Lil' Hair Weave Kit and find a needle inside. 16 87 0 1 1 (REALLY BLOW NOSE) Toot! 16 1 0 1 99 This lacy silk hankerchief, embroidered with the initials A. B., emits a faint odor. 16 71 0 1 99 It smells faintly of gardenias, with hints of rosewater and intrigue. 17 1 0 1 99 The tiny lettering on the bulb reads, "CyberLamp 2000\05 long-distance heat lamp. 2,500 watts. Guaranteed range: 200 yards. Not to be used in unapproved fixtures." 18 1 0 1 99 This professional-quality competition-grade tossing horseshoe is made of expensive titanium molybdenum alloys with graphite fibers, and is a size 43 extra-wide. 19 1 0 1 99 This life insurance policy, in the amount of one billion dollars, is on one Aristotle K. Boning, with the beneficiary listed as Annette B. Boning. It emits a very faint smell. 19 71 0 1 99 20 1 0 1 99 Who would have guessed it? A short length of wire with an alligator clip on each end is all that's needed to change any slot machine into a winner! 20 1 0 2 1 Hey...I get it. Al Lowe put this here so I could cheat at slots! 20 1 0 3 99 Wrong again, token breath. You don't get to play a slot machine again until "Leisure Suit Larry 12: Dork and Dorker!" 20 1 0 4 1 (AWED) Wow, you DO know everything! 21 18 0 1 99 You could stick the photograph to the keycard, if the photo was sticky. 21 1 0 1 99 Your keycard has an all-important magnetic stripe on the back so it may be used for shipboard purchases and even (BEAT) to unlock your cabin door. 21 1 5 1 99 You've created what may well be the world's first pornographic photo ID. 21 1 5 2 1 Yeah. I kinda like it. 21 1 5 3 99 Figures. 21 19 3 1 99 Changing your mind, you apply the mucilage to the back of the lewd photograph instead. 21 20 0 1 99 Good idea! 21 20 0 2 5 Yeah, but first I'm gonna tear off some of this groinal area. 22 92 0 1 99 No way. They're still green! 22 7 0 1 99 The outside is bitter... and covered with Peggy's pesticides. 22 1 0 1 99 While it may appear to you to be merely a small, orange-yellow citrus fruit, with a name like "kumquat" it's gotta be good! 23 1 0 1 99 The label on the KZ Brand Sexual Lubricant (and Roulette Wheel Polish) has some tiny print. 23 97 0 1 99 "Warning: combining this product with certain household chemicals may produce a powerful contact explosive. Too bad this label is too small to tell you which ones. So there." 24 5 0 1 99 Feel the "feel-thy" picture? (SIGH) Really. 24 17 0 1 99 24 7 0 1 99 You can't make it sticky just by licking it. 24 7 0 2 1 I wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard that! 24 1 0 1 99 Hey, Meester! Want to SELL some feelthy peek-tures? 24 19 0 1 99 Good job. Now the photos of you are not only dirty, they're sticky! 25 1 0 1 99 If you had some sugar and water you could use this lime juice to make limeade. 25 1 0 2 1 But I don't like limeaid! 25 1 0 3 99 Good thing you enjoy looking at it, then. 26 1 0 1 99 Carefully examining the lady's handkerchief saturated with KZ Brand Sexual Lubricant (and Roulette Wheel Polish) makes you suddenly want to be alone. 50 1 0 1 99 Someone used this page from "Professional Hash Slinger" magazine to wrap old fish. 50 1 0 2 1 Shouldn't that be a job for "Professional Fish Wrapper" magazine? 50 97 0 1 99 This page contains the recipe for "Venezuelan Beaver Cheese." The ingredients include beaver milk (as always, milk from the elusive Venezuelan beaver is much preferred), a pinch of salt, rennet (for which lime juice may be substituted in a pinch), and a hint of mold. Now for the details of preparation... 50 97 0 2 1 (PRONOUNCE IT "SUE-BEE-ISM") Hey! You made a subeeism. 50 97 0 3 99 What? 50 97 0 4 1 A subeeism. You know: when you choose a word based on previous words. Like you used the cliche "in a pinch" because you'd just finished saying the phrase "pinch of salt." Get it? 50 97 0 5 99 Damn, you're weird, Larry. Anyhow, there's more on the back of the page. 50 97 0 6 1 You mean I have to click again just to hear the back? 50 97 0 7 99 Oh, stop your whining. Here: the back contains the recipe for "Venezuelan Beaver Cheese and Kumquat Quiche." The ingredients include beaver cheese and a sliced kumquat. You probably don't want to hear the rest of this either, do you? 50 97 0 8 1 (SNORE) Zzzzzzzz. 50 71 0 1 99 This magazine page smells like fish... probably because it was once wrapped around one! 27 1 0 1 99 Xqwzts's custodian's key will unlock almost any storage area on the ship. 28 1 0 1 99 The pulsating mold radiates an eldritch glow, reminding you of that muenster you left in the back of the fridge so long it self-actualized and organized a union. 49 1 0 1 99 Your craps winning streak provided you with a windfall of 500 dollars. Somehow, you just know you're never gonna get around to investing it in Internet stocks. 29 17 0 1 99 That would be a good way to make something stick to your keycard, but you have nothing that you want to stick to it, at least at this time. 29 17 3 1 99 29 18 0 1 99 29 1 0 1 99 Wasn't it Aristotle who said, "Give me a big enough bottle of mucilage and I'll stick it to the whole world!"? 29 71 0 1 99 Mucilage is not THAT kind of glue! 30 135 0 1 99 If you bend it any more it won't work as a lockpick. 30 5 0 1 1 30 1 0 1 99 You did a fine job of bending this steel needle into an attractive zigzag. Especially considering you were working with your toes! 30 13 0 1 99 It's about as bent as it's going to get. 31 135 0 1 99 You can't possibly bend it with your bare fingers. If you only had a tool. 31 135 0 2 1 I wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard that! 31 5 0 1 1 (PRICK YOUR FINGER) Ouch! 31 5 0 2 99 What's the matter, Larry? Got a little prick? 31 5 0 3 1 Yeah. Oh, wait; I... ooooohhhh... 31 1 0 1 99 It's a steel needle from your La Costa Lotta complimentary Lil' Hair Weave Kit. 31 13 0 1 5 I wonder if I could bend this needle with the Vice Grips\05? 31 13 0 2 99 Carefully balancing yourself, you work the Vice Grips\05 with one foot while holding the needle with the toes of your other foot. 32 92 0 1 99 One taste of that was enough! 32 1 0 1 99 Judging from your reaction to this stuff, a little goes a long way. 32 1 0 2 5 Must be some sort of psychi-aphro-deli-desiac. 32 1 0 3 99 (DISMISSIVE, STACCATO) Far out. 33 1 0 1 99 (BLATANT COMMERCIAL) Your passport reminds you of your many exciting travels (in Leisure Suit Larrys 1 through 6, available at in Sierra's exciting "Leisure Suit Larry's Greatest Hits...and Misses!") Now, if those damn customs agents would stop drawing little moustaches on your picture. 34 1 0 1 99 You've created what may well be the world's first pornographic photo ID. 34 1 0 2 1 Yeah. I kinda like it. 34 1 0 3 99 Figures. 35 1 0 1 99 Yards and yards of glaring white polyester -- it's enough to bring tears of joy to your eyes. 36 1 0 1 99 This would be handy if you ever need to "pass the pot," Larry. 36 1 0 2 1 That's good, 'cause when I grew up, we were so poor we never had a pot to pass in! 37 92 0 1 99 Well, a little taste couldn't hurt... 37 92 0 2 1 (TASTES TERRIBLE!) Yuck! Spit. Bleck! Ptui! 37 1 0 1 99 It's your culinary masterpiece: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese and Kumquat Quiche. Better hope your personal liability insurance is paid up. 37 49 0 1 1 This ought to "spice it up" a little! 37 71 0 1 99 It smells awful goo... no, it just smells awful! 51 92 0 1 99 A tiny drop in your drink knocked you for a loop and now you want to eat this?! No way. 51 1 0 1 99 While ORDINARY Venezuelan Beaver Cheese and Kumquat Quiche may be considered delicious, your new improved version packs an extra-special punch of orgasmic powder. 38 34 0 1 1 Cool. 38 34 0 2 99 Yes, the remote DOES control the chase lights. But now what? 38 1 0 1 99 This looks suspiciously like a remote control... but to remotely control what? 38 62 1 1 1 38 3 1 1 1 38 3 2 1 99 Watch out! 39 1 0 1 99 (YOU SUDDENLY SNAP!) It's salt. For christ's sake, man, it's just salt! Do I have to describe everything for you? Waddaya looking for, a secret button that turns it into a letter opener or something? Do you think I have nothing better to do than to sit here in this stuffy recording studio booth and read the names of things to the likes of you? (HEAR SOMETHING IN HEADPHONES) What? I do? Somebody get my agent on the phone! 40 1 0 1 99 Every Thygh's Man Trophy Contest scorecard contains a list of competitive events selected from the dozens held aboard the ship. Find one of the events on your list and run this scorecard through its scoring machine. The entire contest is run by an intranet SQL database, with distributed processing and multiple buzzwords. 41 1 0 1 99 That's certainly an unimpressive tool. 41 1 0 2 1 I wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard that! 42 1 0 1 99 Your favorite brand of silicone lubricant is "Greased Pig" Brand. 42 1 0 2 1 I ask for it by name! 43 1 0 1 99 This pornographic photo wasn't covered with sticky goo until you got your hands on it. (PAUSE) Oh, the lines we left out here.... 44 1 0 1 99 This stock certificate is for five million and one shares of stock in BoneCo Transportation. Since the fine print says there are only ten million shares outstanding, this makes you... Da Man! 45 1 0 1 99 Drew Baringmore's suitcase is light on clothes, but unfortunately heavy on books. 46 1 0 1 99 The small tag inside the waistband of the swimming suit says, "The CodMaster 2000\05 -- gently lifts, separates and shapes a man's natural endowment to subtly enhance your appearance. Lil' Giant Model: for the man who needs it most!" 47 5 0 1 99 Well, the PMS Bouncy spared no expense on their toilet paper! This stuff feels like sandpaper... 'bout 40 grit I would say. 47 1 0 1 99 The ship's toilet paper is as rough as a cob! 48 1 0 1 99 They're "Vice" Grips\05, and believe you me, the things Shamara did to you with them definitely fall under the heading of "Vice." 48 14 0 1 99

12.msgEdit

0 237 0 1 98 A Cocktail 0 237 0 2 98 cocktail 0 109 0 1 98 Best Dressed 0 109 0 2 98 Dressed 0 182 0 1 98 Annette Boning 0 182 0 2 98 Annette 0 182 0 3 98 Boning 0 128 0 1 98 Your book 0 128 0 2 98 book 0 126 0 1 98 Your book 0 200 0 1 98 Bourbon 0 120 0 1 98 Bowling 0 254 0 1 98 Break room 0 254 0 2 98 break 0 254 0 3 98 Employee 0 209 0 1 98 Breasts 0 209 0 2 98 Jugs 0 209 0 3 98 Juggs 0 209 0 4 98 Hooters 0 209 0 5 98 Bazongas 0 209 0 6 98 tits 0 209 0 7 98 boobs 0 209 0 8 98 Melons 0 209 0 9 98 Gazongas 0 165 0 1 98 But I won! 0 165 0 2 98 I won 0 190 0 1 98 Buy pictures 0 171 0 1 98 Cabin boy 0 133 0 1 98 My cabin 0 106 0 1 98 Check out 0 106 0 2 98 checkout 0 176 0 1 98 Clothing 0 176 0 2 98 clothes 0 215 0 1 98 Codpieces 0 215 0 2 98 swimsuits 0 215 0 3 98 trunks 0 215 0 4 98 swim trunks 0 215 0 5 98 swimtrunks 0 240 0 1 98 Your collection 0 240 0 2 98 collection 0 173 0 1 98 Combination 0 173 0 2 98 combo 0 96 0 1 98 Shipboard Competitions 0 96 0 2 98 Competition 0 96 0 3 98 TMT 0 96 0 4 98 Contest 0 96 0 5 98 trophy 0 203 0 1 98 Cruise 0 113 0 1 98 Date 0 196 0 1 98 Daughter 0 104 0 1 98 Dewey Decimal System 0 104 0 2 98 Dewie Decimal System 0 142 0 1 98 Where's Dildo? 0 142 0 2 98 Dildo 0 142 0 3 98 Where Dildo 0 192 0 1 98 Distressed 0 188 0 1 98 Drew Baringmore 0 188 0 2 98 Drew Barrymore 0 188 0 3 98 Baringmore 0 188 0 4 98 Barrymore 0 188 0 5 98 Drew 0 179 0 1 98 Drink 0 164 0 1 98 Ennui 0 164 0 2 98 on wee 0 131 0 1 98 Entertainment 0 162 0 1 98 Excited 0 241 0 1 98 Fabrics 0 241 0 2 98 cloth 0 233 0 1 98 Fashion 0 66 0 1 98 Sex Fatigue 0 66 0 2 98 Fatigue 0 127 0 1 98 Anton Fokker 0 177 0 1 98 Fokker 0 177 0 2 98 foker 0 177 0 3 98 Focker 0 177 0 4 98 Anton 0 163 0 1 98 Free ticket 0 244 0 1 98 Gambling 0 236 0 1 98 Gigantic Erection 0 236 0 2 98 gigantic 0 236 0 3 98 erection 0 236 0 4 98 giant 0 103 0 1 98 Glasses 0 86 0 1 98 Goodbye 0 86 0 2 98 farewell 0 86 0 3 98 so long 0 86 0 4 98 see you around 0 86 0 5 98 bye 0 105 0 1 98 Good books 0 197 0 1 98 Big 'Uns 0 195 0 1 98 Heat 0 242 0 1 98 Where's home? 0 205 0 1 98 Homosexuality 0 157 0 1 98 Hot Tub 0 157 0 2 98 Spa 0 157 0 3 98 Jacuzzi 0 157 0 4 98 Jacuzi 0 141 0 1 98 How? 0 70 0 1 98 Huh? 0 226 0 1 98 An Idea 0 158 0 1 98 Insurance 0 243 0 1 98 The Internet 0 108 0 1 98 Go to bed 0 102 0 1 98 Job 0 235 0 1 98 Joystick 0 115 0 1 98 Ken Williams 0 115 0 2 98 Williams 0 115 0 3 98 Ken 0 156 0 1 98 Calvin Klone 0 156 0 2 98 Kalvin 0 156 0 3 98 Klone 0 156 0 4 98 Clone 0 156 0 5 98 Calvin 0 147 0 1 98 Kumquats 0 147 0 2 98 cumquat 0 147 0 3 98 comequat 0 147 0 4 98 kumquat 0 184 0 1 98 My account 0 238 0 1 98 Lamp 0 191 0 1 98 Leisure suits 0 191 0 2 98 Leisure 0 191 0 3 98 Liesure 0 118 0 1 98 Photographs 0 118 0 2 98 Photos 0 118 0 3 98 Pictures 0 118 0 4 98 Filthy pictures 0 118 0 5 98 Filthy photo 0 118 0 6 98 Dirty pictures 0 118 0 7 98 Dirty photo 0 118 0 8 98 Porn 0 166 0 1 98 Life 0 145 0 1 98 Lime juice 0 145 0 2 98 Lime 0 145 0 3 98 Juice 0 134 0 1 98 Locker 0 252 0 1 98 Lonely 0 114 0 1 98 Al Lowe 0 114 0 2 98 Lowe 0 114 0 3 98 Al 0 84 0 1 98 LoveMaster 2000\05 0 84 0 2 98 LuvMaster 0 84 0 3 98 Love master 0 84 0 4 98 lovem 0 116 0 1 98 Modeling 0 224 0 1 98 Models 0 180 0 1 98 Anton's Fame 0 193 0 1 98 Music 0 151 0 1 98 Where's my cabin? 0 181 0 1 98 My place? 0 210 0 1 98 Old man 0 204 0 1 98 Old Mr. Boning 0 112 0 1 98 Other... 0 112 0 2 98 Another Topic... 0 112 0 3 98 Another Action... 0 217 0 1 98 Over exposure 0 217 0 2 98 Overexposure 0 223 0 1 98 Paper wads 0 122 0 1 98 Passport 0 132 0 1 98 Peggy 0 132 0 2 98 deckhand 0 174 0 1 98 Peg leg 0 174 0 2 98 Leg 0 174 0 3 98 Wooden Leg 0 174 0 4 98 Pegleg 0 228 0 1 98 Persons Magazine 0 228 0 2 98 Persons 0 228 0 3 98 Magazine 0 121 0 1 98 Photo ID 0 121 0 2 98 ID 0 247 0 1 98 Pick up line 0 247 0 2 98 Pick up 0 247 0 3 98 pickup 0 107 0 1 98 Pile of books 0 153 0 1 98 Bolts of polyester 0 153 0 2 98 Polyester 0 211 0 1 98 Prank 0 111 0 1 98 Prove it 0 99 0 1 98 Peter the Purser 0 99 0 2 98 Purser 0 99 0 3 98 Peter 0 130 0 1 98 Reading 0 202 0 1 98 Records 0 136 0 1 98 Complain about room 0 110 0 1 98 Screw 0 85 0 1 98 Sex 0 85 0 2 98 hump 0 85 0 3 98 fuck 0 85 0 4 98 bone 0 85 0 5 98 make love 0 129 0 1 98 Shipboard life 0 194 0 1 98 Show 0 119 0 1 98 Sierra 0 227 0 1 98 Spandex 0 140 0 1 98 Spotlights 0 140 0 2 98 Spotlight 0 246 0 1 98 Strategy 0 245 0 1 98 Strip Dice 0 124 0 1 98 Suitcase 0 218 0 1 98 Swearing 0 239 0 1 98 Sweatshops 0 125 0 1 98 CodMaster 2000\05 0 185 0 1 98 Telephone 0 15 0 1 98 Captain Thygh 0 15 0 2 98 Captain 0 15 0 3 98 Thygh 0 15 0 4 98 Thigh 0 225 0 1 98 Ticket 0 219 0 1 98 Travel 0 199 0 1 98 Troubles 0 251 0 1 98 Unless 0 75 0 1 98 The weather 0 198 0 1 98 Women 0 198 0 2 98 Babes 0 198 0 3 98 Girls 0 198 0 4 98 Chicks 0 2 0 1 98 Writing 0 168 0 1 98 Xqwzts's hobby 0 169 0 1 98 Xqwzts's needs 0 167 0 1 98 Xqwzts 0 167 0 2 98 X 0 170 0 1 98 Xqwzts's wants 0 149 0 1 98 Your accent 0 150 0 1 98 Your name 0 150 0 2 98 name 0 250 0 1 98 You can't?

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0 135 0 1 98 Bend 0 135 0 2 98 Twist 0 87 0 1 98 Blow 0 144 0 1 98 Bowl 0 64 0 1 98 Break 0 64 0 2 98 Smash 0 64 0 3 98 Shatter 0 64 0 4 98 Bust 0 64 0 5 98 Demolish 0 64 0 6 98 Hit 0 76 0 1 98 Burp 0 76 0 2 98 Belch 0 249 0 1 98 Call 0 123 0 1 98 Climb in 0 81 0 1 98 Climb 0 229 0 1 98 Close 0 186 0 1 98 Dial 0 143 0 1 98 Dream 0 67 0 1 98 Drink 0 92 0 1 98 Eat 0 92 0 2 98 Slurp 0 92 0 3 98 Chew 0 92 0 4 98 Swallow 0 11 0 1 98 Fart 0 11 0 2 98 Toot 0 11 0 3 98 Cut one 0 11 0 4 98 Drop a bomb 0 11 0 5 98 Break wind 0 11 0 6 98 Poot 0 5 0 1 98 Feel 0 206 0 1 98 Flush 0 207 0 1 98 Get up 0 207 0 2 98 Rise 0 207 0 3 98 Stand 0 80 0 1 98 Grope 0 80 0 2 98 Fondle 0 148 0 1 98 Heave 0 148 0 2 98 Vomit 0 148 0 3 98 Hurl 0 148 0 4 98 Puke 0 148 0 5 98 blow chunks 0 148 0 6 98 Upchuck 0 148 0 7 98 Barf 0 148 0 8 98 Ralph 0 148 0 9 98 Spew 0 90 0 1 98 Kiss 0 90 0 2 98 Smooch 0 90 0 3 98 Buss 0 90 0 4 98 Osculate 0 222 0 1 98 Knock 0 7 0 1 98 Lick 0 7 0 2 98 Taste 0 95 0 1 98 Lie 0 95 0 2 98 Lie down 0 95 0 3 98 Lay 0 95 0 4 98 Lay down 0 95 0 5 98 Sleep 0 95 0 6 98 Rest 0 221 0 1 98 Listen 0 1 0 1 98 Look 0 139 0 1 98 Masturbate 0 139 0 2 98 Whack off 0 139 0 3 98 Jack off 0 139 0 4 98 Jerk off 0 139 0 5 98 Beat off 0 139 0 6 98 Diddle 0 139 0 7 98 Slam the pony 0 139 0 8 98 Slap the salami 0 234 0 1 98 Milk 0 152 0 1 98 Move 0 68 0 1 98 Name 0 91 0 1 98 Nibble 0 91 0 2 98 Nibble on 0 61 0 1 98 Open 0 146 0 1 98 Operate 0 146 0 2 98 Use 0 12 0 1 98 Other... 0 12 0 2 98 Other 0 230 0 1 98 Look over 0 230 0 2 98 Look down 0 159 0 1 98 Pet 0 253 0 1 98 Pick 0 253 0 2 98 Pick out 0 253 0 3 98 Select 0 77 0 1 98 Whiz 0 77 0 2 98 Piss 0 77 0 3 98 Urinate 0 77 0 4 98 Wee 0 77 0 5 98 Tinkle 0 77 0 6 98 Piddle 0 77 0 7 98 Micturate 0 77 0 8 98 Pee 0 79 0 1 98 Play 0 160 0 1 98 Push 0 160 0 2 98 Shove 0 97 0 1 98 Read 0 187 0 1 98 Redial 0 201 0 1 98 Remove jacket 0 10 0 1 98 Screw 0 10 0 2 98 Hump 0 10 0 3 98 Fuck 0 10 0 4 98 Pork 0 10 0 5 98 Bone 0 10 0 6 98 Nail 0 10 0 7 98 Bed 0 10 0 8 98 Copulate 0 10 0 9 98 Mate 0 10 0 10 98 Mount 0 10 0 11 98 Make love 0 93 0 1 98 Shit 0 93 0 2 98 Crap 0 93 0 3 98 Dump 0 93 0 4 98 Mount the throne 0 93 0 5 98 Lay cable 0 93 0 6 98 Poop 0 93 0 7 98 Excrete 0 93 0 8 98 Defecate 0 93 0 9 98 Take a shit 0 93 0 10 98 Take a crap 0 93 0 11 98 Pinch a loaf 0 93 0 12 98 Pinch one 0 94 0 1 98 Sit 0 94 0 2 98 Sit Down 0 71 0 1 98 Smell 0 71 0 2 98 Sniff 0 71 0 3 98 Whiff 0 71 0 4 98 Inhale 0 208 0 1 98 Sneeze 0 78 0 1 98 Stomp on 0 154 0 1 98 Stop 0 88 0 1 98 Suck 0 232 0 1 98 Swap 0 232 0 2 98 Trade 0 232 0 3 98 Replace 0 8 0 1 98 Take 0 8 0 2 98 Steal 0 8 0 3 98 Nab 0 8 0 4 98 Grab 0 4 0 1 98 Talk 0 4 0 2 98 Speak 0 4 0 3 98 Converse 0 60 0 1 98 Throw 0 60 0 2 98 Toss 0 89 0 1 98 Tongue 0 6 0 1 98 Touch 0 6 0 2 98 Stroke 0 117 0 1 98 Turn off 0 62 0 1 98 Turn on 0 220 0 1 98 Turn 0 83 0 1 98 Undress 0 83 0 2 98 Disrobe 0 83 0 3 98 Strip 0 83 0 4 98 Get naked 0 82 0 1 98 Unlock 0 63 0 1 98 Unplug 0 189 0 1 98 Unscrew 0 231 0 1 98 Unzip 0 3 0 1 98 Use 0 214 0 1 98 Wipe

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0 0 1 1 98 Leisure Suit Larry in "Love For Sail!" is an "Up and Coming" Production.

Version 0 0 2 1 98 An error occurred while trying to restore a game. The game may have been saved with a different version of the interpreter or the game file may be corrupted on your disk. Please quit the game and try a different save game or start a new game. 0 0 43 1 98 Cleaner 0 0 44 1 98 Close 0 0 45 1 98 Continue 0 0 40 1 98 Default 0 0 46 1 98 Dirtier 0 0 47 1 98 Next 0 0 49 1 98 Oops 0 0 42 1 98 Previous 0 0 38 1 98 Yes 0 0 51 1 98 Cancel 0 0 3 1 98 Continue 0 0 4 1 98 Call Sierra's friendly customer service department. USA Voice: 206 644-4343 Fax: 206 644-7697

UK Voice: 0118 920-9111 Fax: 0118 987-5603

France Voice: 01 46-01-4650 Fax: 01 46-30-0065

Germany Voice: +49 0-6103-99-4040 Fax: +49 0-6103-99-4035 0 0 75 1 98 You've placed a bitmap of yourself and/or recorded lines in the game directory. We're about to read them into memory to test them. If the game crashes, or you see any error messages, please re-read the BEASTAR file and make sure your files are in the proper format. 1.bmp should be a 256-color Windows RGB uncompressed bitmap, about 325x325 pixels. The wave files (1-12) should be PCM (uncompressed) format, and no greater than 16 bit, 22kHz, mono. Please press enter to continue. 0 0 78 1 98 An error occurred reading "%s". Please make sure it is a Windows RGB bitmap, uncompressed, 8-bit (256 color), about 325x325 pixels. 0 0 80 1 98 There were no errors found. Thank you for using CyberTest 2000. Enjoy the game! 0 0 81 1 98 There were errors found with the user-supplied files. The game will not be able to use them until the errors are corrected. 0 0 79 1 98 Now reading file "%s." 0 0 76 1 98 Skip 0 0 77 1 98 The wave file "%s" is missing. This will not cause a problem, but you won't hear your voice reading this line. 0 0 5 1 98 Default 0 0 6 1 98 Audio Mixer 0 0 6 2 98 Dialogue 0 0 6 3 98 Music 0 0 6 4 98 Sound Effects 0 0 6 5 98 Reset 0 0 6 6 1 (SOUND CHECK) Test. Test. Is this on? Hello. (TAP MIKE 3X) 0 0 8 1 98 Walking Speed 0 0 70 1 98 Yeah, Baby! 0 0 62 1 98 Congratulations! You've found %d of %d possible. Keep poking around! 0 0 61 1 98 Where's Dildo\05? 0 0 39 1 98 Current filth setting: 0 0 39 2 98 Filthy. 0 0 55 1 98 (Not yet implemented.) 0 0 48 1 98 Very 0 0 48 2 98 Extremely 0 0 48 3 98 Super 0 0 48 4 98 Extra 0 0 48 5 98 Ultra 0 0 48 6 98 Exceptionally 0 0 48 7 98 Mondo 0 0 48 8 98 Incredibly 0 0 48 9 98 Mighty 0 0 48 10 98 Fully 0 0 48 11 98 Quite 0 0 48 12 98 Entirely 0 0 48 13 98 Utterly 0 0 48 14 98 Without Reservation 0 0 48 15 98 Wholly 0 0 48 16 98 Completely 0 0 48 17 98 Thoroughly 0 0 48 18 98 Widely 0 0 48 19 98 Extensively 0 0 48 20 98 Universally 0 0 48 21 98 Globally 0 0 9 1 98 Confused? Lost? Wondering what to do? Wandering about? No purpose in life? Don't worry! Here's your short course in "Adventure Gaming 101." 0 0 9 2 98 Move your cursor near the upper-left corner of the screen. (If the game doesn't fill your screen, position it just inside the upper-left corner of the window.) We've hidden a menu bar there. It works just like your other software. Try everything, at least once. 0 0 9 3 98 Next, carefully manuever your cursor all over the game. When the cursor unrolls, it's telling you it's over something important. Click the mouse. A menu will appear. 0 0 9 4 98 Select the action you want to take against that on-screen object. "Use..." lets you to use items from your Inventory on that on-screen object. "Other..." allows you to type in actions that aren't listed on the menu. 0 0 9 5 98 Click while the cursor is NOT "highlighted" and you'll walk to where you clicked, or as close to it as you can. 0 0 9 6 98 Click while your cursor looks like an arrow and you'll walk somewhere not presently visible. 0 0 9 7 98 Click while the cursor is a bent-over arrow and you'll return to the previous scene. 0 0 9 8 98 The cursor that looks like a ship takes you to the ship's Map. Once there, you can move nearly anywhere on the ship. 0 0 9 9 98 Click on everything, especially characters you meet. Listen carefully to what they say. Their topics change color when you hear them. You never have to listen to them again, unless you want to. They won't change, unless the topic reverts back to its original color. 0 0 9 10 98 Sometimes you will click on objects that offer you a chance to "Take" them. Doing so adds them to your "Inventory." You may use these Inventory items by clicking an on-screen object. When its menu appears, move your cursor down to "Use...", then slide it over and down the list of your Inventory objects. 0 0 9 11 98 The right mouse button hides a handy "Shortcut" menu, listing a variety of commonly-used game commands. All these commands are also available from the pull-down "Game" menu. 0 0 9 12 98 If you're having trouble with specific puzzles, you can always get a hint. Select "Hints" under the "Help" menu for more information. 0 0 10 1 98 Adventure Gaming 101 0 0 41 1 98 See the documentation that came with this game for a complete description of the many ways Hints are available for this game. 0 0 41 2 98 Of course, Al Lowe recommends you pick up a copy of the "Leisure Suit Larry 7: Love For Sail!" hint book, available at sleazier software stores everywhere. 0 0 41 3 98 It contains a complete list of every point possible, every hidden location, even tips on finding a few "last minute" secrets we slipped in without Sierra finding out about it! 0 0 60 1 98 Do this to view a map of the ship... if you ever get to the ship! 0 0 12 1 98 File 0 0 12 2 98 Game 0 0 12 3 98 Help 0 0 13 1 98 New|^N 0 0 13 2 98 Open|^O 0 0 13 3 98 Save|^S 0 0 13 4 98 Quit|^Q 0 0 14 1 98 Map|^M 0 0 14 2 98 Audio Mixer|^A 0 0 14 3 98 Walking Speed|+/- 0 0 14 4 98 Inventory|^I 0 0 14 5 98 Score|^P 0 0 14 6 98 Closed Captioning|^T 0 0 14 7 98 Increase Filth Level|^F 0 0 14 8 98 Decrease Filth Level|^D 0 0 14 9 98 Boss is Coming!|^B 0 0 14 10 98 Ship Stabilizer|^H 0 0 14 11 98 Title Bar 0 0 15 1 98 Help|F1 0 0 15 2 98 ToolTips 0 0 15 3 98 Hints 0 0 15 4 98 Customer Service 0 0 15 5 98 About... 0 0 56 1 98 The ship's stabilizers are now ON. 0 0 57 1 98 The ship's stabilizers are now OFF. 0 0 71 1 98 The wallpaper file "%s" has changed. Assuming you have your wallpaper set to that file, the wallpaper will change next time you restart your machine. The new BMP has also been saved as "%s," in the game directory. 0 0 16 1 98 Next 0 0 17 1 98 OK 0 0 18 1 98 Oops 0 0 19 1 98 The game is paused. 0 0 20 1 98 Previous 0 0 21 1 98 Quit 0 0 22 1 98 Do you really want to quit? 0 0 22 2 1 Don't leave me like THIS! 0 0 22 3 98 Quit now? When you only have %d out of the 1,000 points available? 0 0 23 1 98 Do you really want to start all over again from the very beginning? 0 0 24 1 98 Yes 0 0 50 1 98 Inventory 0 0 50 2 98 Map 0 0 50 3 98 Save 0 0 50 4 98 The Boss! 0 0 50 5 98 Score 0 0 50 6 98 Shortcuts 0 0 50 7 98 Close Map 0 0 50 8 98 Close Inventory 0 0 58 1 98 Your score is only %d out of the 1,000 points available. 0 0 59 1 98 Score 0 0 27 1 98 Now leaving the Sixties... 0 0 28 1 98 You've found psychedelic mode. 0 0 28 2 1 Whoa, man! It must be that cheap acid I tried back in the 60's! 0 0 72 1 98 There's already a Talk menu displayed. Use it instead. 0 0 29 1 98 Closed captioning is now OFF. 0 0 30 1 98 Closed captioning is now ON. 0 0 33 1 98 ToolTips are off. 0 0 34 1 98 ToolTips are on. 0 0 35 1 98 That's as many games as you can save in one directory. Delete a game before saving another. Besides, you can't "die" in this game, and we automatically save your position when you quit, so you don't need so many games after all. 0 0 36 1 98 The next time you play the game, you will NOT see a Tip of the Day. 0 0 37 1 98 The next time you play the game, you will see a Tip of the Day. 0 0 53 1 98 What do you want to discuss with %s? Type a topic: 0 0 53 2 98 Type a topic to discuss with "%s?" Talk about 0 0 74 1 98 This character doesn't understand that topic. Since you're new to this game, here's some tips about typing topics. 0 0 74 2 98 Just type one- or two-word topics. 0 0 74 3 98 Characters have no outside knowledge. All they know is the game universe. So ask them about things in the game. 0 0 74 4 98 Think like a Larry. What would Larry want to talk about (other than the obvious). 0 0 74 5 98 Discuss things you've heard other characters mention. Ask about problems you're having. But don't type extra words, such as "ask about" or "talk about." Try single words like "sex," "name," etc. 0 0 52 1 98 What do you want to do to "%s?" Type a verb: 0 0 52 2 98 What do you want to do? Type a verb. the "%s." 0 0 73 1 98 The game doesn't understand that verb. Since you're new to this game, here's some tips about typing in verbs. 0 0 73 2 98 If the game says it doesn't understand a verb, it means it. And it never will understand that verb, so you don't need to try it again. BUT, if it does understand the verb, that word may be needed somewhere else. 0 0 73 3 98 Try to type just one word, although we do recognize a few two-word combinations. Typing nouns does no good. You clicked on the noun first, remember? 0 0 73 4 98 Think like Larry. Larry can do everything he needs to do to finish the game. He can also do a few things, just because they're fun! 0 0 54 1 98 The game doesn't understand that verb.

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0 0 3 1 98 Designer, Writer, Director Al Lowe 0 0 3 2 98 Producer, Sound Effects and Additional Music Mark Seibert 0 0 3 3 98 Ass't. Designer and Writer, Programmer Don Munsil 0 0 3 4 98 Animation Director Jason Zayas 0 0 3 5 98 Lead Programmer Steve Conrad 0 0 3 6 98 Programmer Mark Martino 0 0 3 7 98 Background Design Jason Piel 0 0 3 8 98 Lead Background Artist Layne Gifford 0 0 3 9 98 Animator Bill O'Brien 0 0 3 10 98 Animator Al Eufrasio 0 0 3 11 98 Art Technician Bob Munsil 0 0 3 12 98 Art Technician Bryan Wilkinson 0 0 3 13 98 Quality Assurance Lead Jennifer Gibbs 0 0 3 14 98 Sound Effects and Additional Music Ben Houge 0 0 4 1 98 Voice Director Al Lowe 0 0 4 2 98 Voice Casting Al Lowe, Don Munsil 0 0 4 3 98 Voice Auditions The Voicecaster 0 0 4 4 98 Voice Recording Hollywood Recording Services 0 0 4 5 98 Voice Recording Engineer Mike Hanley 0 0 4 6 98 DREAMS Software Specialist David Henry 0 0 4 7 98 Background Photographer Al Lowe 0 0 4 8 98 Best Boy's Ass't. Hairdresser Dale Christensen 0 0 4 9 98 Leisure Suit Larry theme composed by Al Lowe 0 0 4 10 98 Music composed and arranged by Frank Zottoli 0 0 4 11 98 Original music performed by Frank Zottoli, Piano Kim Hutchcroft, Woodwinds Tom Warrington, Bass Claudio Slon, Drums Mark Seibert, Guitar, Synths, Perc. Al Lowe, Soprano Saxophone Steve Conrad, Trombone 0 0 4 12 98 Original music recorded at Chick Corea's Mad Hatter studios 0 0 4 13 98 Music engineered and mixed by Jeff Hall at Maximus Studios 0 0 4 14 98 Configuration Testing by Michael Brosius and the entire Sierra Oakhurst Quality Assurance Team 0 0 4 15 98 Beta Testers Geoff M. Keighley Linda Lindley Wesley Litt Tom Marley Dan Milano 0 0 4 16 98 Beta Testers Steve Porter Della Rogers Mark Schey Michael Shavelson Charles M. Solen 0 0 4 17 98 Packaging and Documentation Heather Lavin Kerri Willard 0 0 4 18 98 Special Thanks To: Terese Gant Colette Bottinelli Cindy Vanous Eric Twelker John Williams Bill Moore 0 0 4 19 98 Special Thanks To: Scott Lynch Jerry Bowerman Mike Brochu Bob Davidson Ken Williams Walter Forbes 0 0 4 20 98 Special Thanks To: Zippy the Inflatable Wonder Llama The World Famous Talking Bear ...and all the moms, dads, husbands, wives, girl friends, boy friends & significant others without whom this game would have been done months earlier. 0 0 5 1 98 Animation Credits, for Animotion Supervising Animators David Hicock & Larry Royer 0 0 5 2 98 Key Animation David Hicock Larry Royer John Bloom Bill Davis Marcus R. Gregory Fran Krause 0 0 5 3 98 Paint Coordinator Jennifer Robin 0 0 5 4 98 Computer Ink & Paint Jennifer Darsney Marcus R. Gregory Fran Krause W. Aric Miller Jennifer Robin Peter Wynn 0 0 5 5 98 Animation Jim Burns Julie Cornfield Jennifer Darsney Aaron P. McDowell Matthew S. Filer Jose Mercado W. Aric Miller Jon C. Parker Jeff Whitaker Michael Pringleton Jennifer Robin B. J. Walker Guillermo Zubiaga 0 0 5 6 98 Animation Credits, LA West Director of Animation Ivan Tomicic 0 0 5 7 98 Project Coordinator Susan McGirr 0 0 5 8 98 Production Assistant Danijel Tomicic 0 0 5 9 98 Animation Team Leaders Jurica Saravanja Ivica Horvat 0 0 5 10 98 Animators Jurica Saravanja Damir Semenov Zvonimir Cuk Ivica Horvat Kristian Dulic Zeljko Bracic 0 0 5 11 98 Digital Ink & Paint, Computer Artist Lead Peggy Skrlec 0 0 5 12 98 Digital Ink & Paint, Computer Artists Sasa Zec Snjezana Lisica Peggy Skrlec Darko Dukaric Ivana Baric 0 0 5 13 98 Scanner Snjezana Lisica 0 0 1 1 98 The Cast Leisure Suit Larry - Jan Rabson Narrator - Neil Ross 0 0 1 2 98 The Cast Dewmi Moore - Sheryl Bernstein Drew Baringmore - Mary Kay Bergman Annette Boning - Tasia Valenza Victorian Principles - Jennifer Darling 0 0 1 3 98 The Cast Jamie Lee Coitus - Mary Kay Bergman Nailmi Jugg - Kathy Levin Wydoncha Jugg - Mary Kay Bergman Peggy - Herself 0 0 1 4 98 The Cast Captain Thygh - Sheryl Bernstein Shamara - Julie Amato Peter - Scott Bullock Johnson - Kevin Richardson 0 0 1 5 98 The Cast Dick - Scott Bullock Jacques - Michael Golff Wang - Scott Bullock Willy - Michael Golff Mr. Boning - Neil Ross Xqwzts - Michael Golff 0 0 1 6 98 The Cast Judge Graham - Kevin Richardson Judge Julia - Sheryl Bernstein Judge Paul - Kevin Richardson Rod - Neil Ross Female Ship's Announcer - Tasia Valenza Male Ship's Announcer - Neil Ross 0 0 6 1 98 The Following Songs Covered by Blank Productions

and Licensed by Michael Shavelson Track Marketing Partners 0 0 6 2 98 "Celebration" written by: Bell, Bell, Smith, Brown, Taylor, Mickens, Toon, Thomas and Deodato published by: Warner-Tamerlane Publishing Corp. - BMI; Second Decade Music Co. - BMI; WB Music Corp. - ASCAP 0 0 6 3 98 "Get Down On It" written by: Bell, Bell, Taylor, Brown, Smith, Mickens, and Deodato published by: Warner-Tamerlane Publishing Corp. - BMI; Second Decade Music Co. - BMI; WB Music Corp. - ASCAP 0 0 6 4 98 "Inna Gadda Da Vidda" written by: Ingle published by: Cotillion Music, Inc. - BMI; Ten East Music - BMI; Iron Butterfly Music - BMI; All rights for U.S. and Canada administered by Warner-Tamerlane Publishing Corp. - BMI; All rights for the world excluding U.S. and Canada administered by Ten East Music 0 0 6 5 98 "Le Freak" written by: Edwards & Rodgers published by: Sony Songs, Inc. - BMI; Tommy Jymi, Inc. - BMI; Bernard's Other Music - BMI; All rights on behalf of Sony Songs, Inc. administered by Warner-Tamerlane Publishing Corp. - BMI

16.msgEdit

0 161 0 1 99 You don't need to use that in that way, at least not now here. 0 161 1 1 99 You don't need to use that in that way, at least not now, here. 0 161 2 1 99 There's no need to use that there. 0 161 3 1 99 That doesn't work with that. 0 161 4 1 99 Those? Together? Hardly. 0 161 5 1 99 You know, sometimes when you put one and one together you get... squat! 0 46 0 1 99 If you only had a recipe... and a kitchen.... 0 43 0 1 99 If you only had a recipe... and a kitchen... you could make... something. 0 135 1 1 99 Oh, yeah? Well, bend this! 0 87 1 1 99 Oh, yeah? Blow this! 0 87 2 1 99 You don't want to blow that. You don't know where your mouth has been! 0 87 3 1 99 Blowing will do you no good. 0 87 3 2 1 I beg to differ, but sometimes it does a LOT of good! 0 87 3 3 99 Well, yes. But not in THIS circumstance. 0 87 4 1 99 You don't need to blow that. 0 87 5 1 99 There's no need to go about blowing things. 0 29 0 1 99 Who would be interested in your strange book "sandwich?" 0 28 0 1 99 Try using that book where it will be among friends. 0 27 0 1 99 Wrap that jacket around something that fits. 0 138 0 1 99 This book is too naked without a cover. 0 26 0 1 99 Who would want to read a boring book like that? 0 57 0 1 99 There's only one way to use a bowling ball, Larry, and that's right up your alley. 0 144 1 1 99 Bowling is available free to all TMT contestants... on the Poop Deck. 0 64 1 1 99 Oh, yeah? Break this! 0 64 2 1 99 Don't break that. You might need it later. 0 64 3 1 99 (LIKE IT'S TIME FOR A BREAK) Okay, everybody. Break! Five minutes!! 0 64 4 1 99 Problems letting out your aggression, Larry? 0 64 5 1 99 Sure, you could break that into a million tiny pieces. But we don't have the animation budget to show it. 0 249 1 1 1 Here, boy! Come on!! Here big fellow! 0 249 1 2 99 What in the hell is the matter with you? 0 52 0 1 99 Stop threatening people! You want to fight? Buy "Warcraft!" 0 34 0 1 99 Find someplace else to use those chase lights. Or is that over your head? 0 81 1 1 99 Yeah, you'd LIKE to climb that, wouldn't you? 0 81 2 1 99 Climb that? No way. 0 81 3 1 99 Really? Climbing? Not there. 0 229 1 1 99 Try closing something else. 0 229 1 2 1 Like my "open mind?" 0 229 1 3 99 No. That's already been slammed! 0 229 1 4 1 Grrrr. 0 229 2 1 99 (AS IN CLOSE THE DOOR) Close. But no cigar. 0 229 3 1 99 Close that? Unlikely. 0 229 4 1 99 Close that? Not in this game. 0 229 5 1 99 Really? Close that? No way. 0 69 0 1 99 Doing that will get you nowhere. 0 69 1 1 99 Doing that will get you nowhere. 0 32 0 1 99 In this game, you may not want to use the deodorant on people. 0 67 1 1 99 For now, just drink it in with your eyes. 0 67 2 1 99 You may want to drink that... but you're not going to. 0 67 3 1 99 Drink, drink, drink! (BEAT) No, no, no. 0 67 4 1 99 Do you have a "drinking problem?" 0 67 5 1 99 Take a closer look. That's not drinkable. 0 92 1 1 99 Eat, eat, eat. Doesn't anybody f... wait a minute! 0 92 2 1 99 Take a closer look. That's not edible. 0 92 3 1 99 You're a firm believer in the philosophy, "Eat, drink and make merry." 0 92 3 2 1 Mary who? 0 92 3 3 99 Show of hands: I think we all saw THAT one coming! 0 92 4 1 99 Stop trying to put things in your mouth! 0 92 5 1 99 Really? That's something even Don Munsil wouldn't eat! 0 5 1 1 99 That feels... good. 0 5 2 1 99 Now entering the "touchy-feely zone." 0 5 3 1 99 What is this? Junior high? 0 5 4 1 99 Oh, yeah? Feel THIS! 0 5 5 1 99 Just content yourself with feeling alive! 0 30 0 1 99 Kindly keep your hose to yourself. 0 206 1 1 99 That's not a toilet. No flushing. 0 80 1 1 99 Keep your hands to yourself! 0 55 0 1 99 There is a use for the hankerchief, Larry, but that's not it. 0 148 1 1 99 Getting a little seasick, Larry? 0 148 2 1 99 Sometimes you just want to blow chunks, don't you, Larry? 0 51 0 1 99 Oh, yeah? Jumper this! 0 17 0 1 99 Use your keycard to unlock your room, but don't use it here. 0 90 1 1 99 Oh, yeah? Kiss this! 0 222 1 1 99 Knock knock. 0 222 1 2 1 Who's there? 0 222 1 3 99 Larry who? 0 222 1 4 1 Should I have a punch line ready? 0 222 2 1 99 Oh, yeah? Knock this! 0 47 0 1 99 0 54 0 1 99 Don't waste it. It's powerful stuff. 0 18 0 1 99 If only you had someplace to stick this up.... 0 7 1 1 99 Put that tongue away! 0 7 2 1 99 You want to lick THAT?! 0 7 3 1 99 Licking is not the answer! 0 7 3 2 1 Doesn't that depend on the question, smart aleck? 0 7 4 1 99 Oh, yeah? Lick this! 0 45 0 1 99 0 221 1 1 99 Listening as carefully as possible, you hear nothing special. 0 1 1 1 99 That looks exactly like one of those should look. 0 1 2 1 99 You see nothing special. (Ah. Brings back memories, doesn't it?) 0 1 3 1 99 It is just as it appears. 0 23 0 1 99 This key will unlock most of the ship... but not that! 0 234 1 1 99 You MAY milk something in this game, but that's not it! 0 44 0 1 99 0 72 0 1 99 There's only one place on this ship where you've spent money.... 0 152 1 1 99 That may not move. Or then again, it may be easily movable by a normal man. 0 91 1 1 99 Just a nibble is never enough! 0 61 1 1 99 You don't need to open that. 0 61 2 1 99 Oh, yeah? Open this! 0 146 1 1 99 You may not be man enough to operate that. 0 253 1 1 99 If you pick it, it will never heal! 0 253 2 1 99 Oh, yeah? Pick this! 0 79 1 1 99 Playing with things again, Larry? 0 41 0 1 99 You don't need this to use that, but you'll need it to store something. 0 160 1 1 99 Oh, yeah? Push THIS! 0 97 1 1 99 There's nothing there to read. At least, nothing your aging vision can detect! 0 97 2 1 99 Oh, yeah? Read this! 0 35 0 1 99 The remote doesn't work with that. 0 16 0 1 99 Only use your scorecard to enter Thygh's Man Trophy events. 0 50 0 1 99 That doesn't need screwing. 0 50 0 2 1 Maybe, but I still do! 0 10 1 1 99 You've had worse. 0 10 2 1 99 Larry, a penis is a terrible thing to waste. 0 10 3 1 99 Isn't a penis a terrible curse, Larry? 0 10 4 1 99 Sexaholics Anonymous meets tomorrow night. Be there! 0 10 4 2 1 What's the dues? 0 10 4 3 99 An inch a month. 0 10 4 4 1 Yeow! I can't afford that. 0 10 4 5 99 Wait, my mistake. That's Overeaters Anonymous. 0 10 4 6 1 Whew! 0 10 5 1 99 You led a troubled, lonely childhood, didn't you? 0 31 0 1 99 That's slick enough already. 0 94 1 1 99 You don't have time to sit. There's babes a'waitin'! 0 71 1 1 99 That smells a little like chicken. 0 71 2 1 99 That smells, but not enough to include on your CyberSniff 2000�. 0 71 3 1 99 Oh, yeah? Smell THIS! 0 71 4 1 99 That smells bad. Or maybe good. You can't decide. Worse, you don't care. 0 71 5 1 99 You can detect no smell there. 0 78 1 1 99 Oh, yeah? Stomp on THIS! 0 88 1 1 99 Oh, yeah? Suck THIS! 0 88 2 1 99 Stop sucking things! 0 88 3 1 99 You know, many people go all day without sucking anything! 0 232 1 1 99 No one will swap you anything for that! 0 8 1 1 99 You don't need to take every damned thing on the ship, do you? 0 8 1 2 1 Well... yeah. 0 8 1 3 99 Allow me to rephrase that. You don't need to take every damned thing on the ship. 0 8 2 1 99 Well, that's nailed down. Or if it's not, it should be! 0 8 3 1 99 You really take the cake, Larry. But you don't take that. 0 8 4 1 99 You could take that. But we didn't think of it. 0 8 5 1 99 Take? Is that all you think about? How about "giving" for a change? Would that be so bad? 0 8 6 1 99 You don't need that. 0 8 7 1 99 Don't take that. It might stain your white leisure suit. 0 8 8 1 99 Take that? No. 0 4 1 1 99 Not everything and everybody wants to talk to you, Larry. 0 4 2 1 99 Sometimes there's just nothing left to say. 0 4 3 1 99 Chatty, aren't we? 0 4 4 1 99 You have no desire to talk to anyone in this game who doesn't offer a "talk" menu! 0 4 5 1 99 Stop chinnin', start winnin'! 0 60 1 1 99 You don't want to throw that. Because it doesn't throw. 0 37 0 1 99 Be careful. That toilet paper is so rough, it may scratch that! 0 89 1 1 99 This is not a saxophone etude. No tonguing necessary. 0 6 1 1 99 You just love to touch, touch, touch. 0 117 1 1 99 YOU are the biggest turn off! 0 62 1 1 99 The idea is for you to find a woman and get turned on. 0 83 1 1 99 You'd undress anything you could get yours hands on, right Larry? 0 82 1 1 99 You don't have a key that fits that. 0 63 1 1 99 Don't unplug that! 0 189 1 1 99 You can't unscrew that. 0 189 1 2 1 Oh, yeah? Why not! 0 189 1 3 99 Because you haven't screwed it yet! 0 231 1 1 99 You don't need to unzip that. 0 214 1 1 99 There's only one thing you can wipe, Larry -- and often, you're not too good at that!

17.msgEdit

2 0 0 1 98 Annette 2 0 0 2 98 Woman in Black 33 0 0 1 98 Annette thinks 33 0 0 2 98 She thinks 34 0 0 1 98 The Juggs 35 0 0 1 98 Crowd 9 0 0 1 98 Dewmi 36 0 0 1 98 Dewmi thinks 37 0 0 1 98 Dick 52 0 0 1 98 Killer 10 0 0 1 98 Drew 38 0 0 1 98 Drew thinks 12 0 0 1 98 Fire Chief 13 0 0 1 98 Judge Graham 39 0 0 1 98 Jacques 40 0 0 1 98 Jacques thinks 41 0 0 1 98 Jamie Lee thinks 14 0 0 1 98 Jamie Lee 42 0 0 1 98 Johnson 15 0 0 1 98 Judge Julia 43 0 0 1 98 Rod 16 0 0 1 98 You 17 0 0 1 98 You think 44 0 0 1 98 A Man 18 0 0 1 98 Mr. Boning 19 0 0 1 98 Nailmi 1 0 0 1 98 Narrator 20 0 0 1 98 Judge Paul 21 0 0 1 98 Peggy 45 0 0 1 98 Peter 46 0 0 1 98 Default 24 0 0 1 98 Shamara 47 0 0 1 98 Default 25 0 0 1 98 Dapper Guys 26 0 0 1 98 Captain Thygh 27 0 0 1 98 Victorian 48 0 0 1 98 Ship's Announcer 49 0 0 1 98 Ship's Announcer 28 0 0 1 98 Waiter 29 0 0 1 98 Waitress 30 0 0 1 98 Wang 50 0 0 1 98 Willy 51 0 0 1 98 A Woman 31 0 0 1 98 Wydoncha 32 0 0 1 98 Xqwzts

60.msgEdit

0 0 22 1 1 (SLAPSTICK BOUNCING FROM ONE WALL TO ANOTHER) Og. Ow. UGH. 0 0 21 1 1 (SEVERAL VARIED OUT OF BREATH SOUNDS) Puff. Puff, puff. Gasp. 0 0 17 1 1 range of coughs from tick in throat, clear throat, small to big coughs, hacking, wheezing 0 0 23 1 1 range of sounds as if... ah, hell: HAVE FUN! 0 0 20 1 1 range of grossed out sounds 0 0 13 1 1 Range of straining, grunting and groaning 0 0 27 1 1 (SEVERAL SOUNDS OF HEAVY LIFTING; VARY LENGTHS) Uhhnnng. Heavy. 0 0 16 1 1 range of pain, from pinch, to pin prick, to slap on face, to punch on chest, to slam against wall, to fall on floor, to massive injury 0 0 26 1 1 (BURNED) Yeow! 0 0 18 1 1 goosed, sleezy, pinched 0 0 14 1 1 range of sexual sounds 0 0 12 1 1 range of shocked sounds 0 0 19 1 1 range of smelling reactions from small sniff through smell to terrible smell 0 0 15 1 1 range of surprised sounds 0 0 28 1 1 (SEVERAL WHIMPERS) Whimper. Whimper. Etc. 2 0 0 1 1 (SAY WITH HAND OVER MOUTH, A LA COUGH, CLEAR THROAT) Hurry up! 2 0 0 2 1 (SAY WITH HAND OVER MOUTH, A LA COUGH, CLEAR THROAT) Slow poke! 2 0 0 3 5 Maybe a hintbook would help.... 2 0 0 4 5 Let's go! 2 0 0 5 5 (SOFTLY SING TO SELF) Pro-cras-ti-na-tion... is funny... ka-chunk, ka-chunk. 2 0 7 1 1 Ahh. 2 0 8 1 1 Uhhhgh. 2 0 9 1 1 (SNIFFLE) Sniff. 2 0 10 1 1 (SILENT FART) Uhnnnhh. Ahhhh. Ueeeew! 2 0 10 2 1 (SMELL SMALL, DELICATE FART) Whooo-eee. 2 0 10 3 1 (THAT SMELLS!) Whoa! 2 0 10 4 1 (RELIEVED) Ahhh. 2 0 11 1 1 (NASAL) Hanh? Hanh! (HEY LOOK AT ME. I DIDN'T KNOW I COULD DO THIS!) Ah. Hey! I should be in the movies! 1 161 0 1 99 That might do something to someone, but it does nothing to you. 1 76 2 1 1 (BURP) You burp. 1 76 3 1 1 (BURP) You burp. 1 52 0 1 99 You're not doing THAT badly! 1 32 0 1 99 Good idea. Now you smell like an old bar-b-q grill. 1 11 1 1 1 Wow! That bean dip is really effective! 1 11 5 1 1 Whew! That could clean your hull of barnacles! 1 11 6 1 1 Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!! Man overboard. 1 11 2 1 99 Slowly, silently, skillfully, you slide one out and pray it's not a S.B.D. 1 11 2 2 1 I don't think anyone will even notice that "wee little laddie." 1 11 3 1 99 This is not a good way to pick up women, Larry. 1 55 0 1 1 (REALLY BLOW NOSE) Toot! 1 1 0 1 1 Wow. Do I look hot or what?! 1 139 0 1 99 The whole idea was to STOP doing that, Larry! 1 68 0 1 98 You 1 65 0 1 99 You give yourself a little prick. 1 65 0 2 5 Hey! 1 65 0 3 99 Oh, yeah. Sorry. Too late, isn't it? 1 14 0 1 99 1 77 0 1 5 Ah. That feels better. 1 77 0 2 99 Yes, but now look at your trousers! 1 93 2 1 99 You really are full of it, aren't you? 1 93 3 1 99 Sure, you lay a long line, but why? 1 93 4 1 99 Only dogs go around doing that wherever they please! 1 208 2 1 1 (SNEEZE) Ker choo. 1 208 2 2 99 Bless you. 1 208 3 1 1 (SNEEZE) Ker choooooo. 1 208 3 2 99 Gesundheit! 1 208 4 1 1 (SNEEZE) Kerrrrrrrrrr choo. 1 208 4 2 99 Allegies. 1 83 24 1 99 This may be your room, but you don't need a shower right now. 1 83 25 1 99 Figure out some way to get Drew out of that shower and you just might do that! 1 83 2 1 99 Not here. There aren't quite enough people watching you yet. 1 83 3 1 99 Not here, Larry. But maybe someday.... 1 231 0 1 99 You'd prefer to wait for a more opportune time to to do that. 1 214 0 1 99 Did you forget something the last time you were on the stool?

80.msgEdit

0 0 1 1 22 Your attention, please! Anyone wishing to spend next week humping the Captain, please report immediately to the ship's lounge. 0 0 1 2 22 Your attention, please! There is a meeting starting immediately in the ship's lounge for any and all passengers wishing to spend next week "working under" the Captain. 0 0 1 3 22 Your attention, please! Anyone wishing to spend next week inspecting the Captain's ceiling, please report immediately to "The Proud Lil' Seaman" lounge. 0 0 1 4 22 Your attention, please! Anyone wishing to spend next week in the Captain's quarters, please report to the lounge immediately. 0 0 1 5 22 Your attention, please! The lounge is on the upper deck. Use your courtesy maps. 0 0 1 6 22 Your attention, please! Anyone who has not yet found their courtesy map should either report to the Purser's Desk or right-click their mouse. 0 0 1 7 22 Hey, you! Get your ass up to the ship's Lounge. NOW! (QUIETLY, OFF-MIKE) Was that too subtle? 0 0 10 1 22 Any bowlers who haven't completed their portion of the competition, report to the bowling alley now. There are lanes available. 0 0 11 1 22 Paging Mr. Martino. Mr. Mark Martino. White courtesy phone, please. 0 0 12 1 22 Attention Jennifer: Will you marry me? Signed, Kelly. That's Kelly, K-E-L-L-Y. 0 0 13 1 21 The white zone is for loading and unloading only. 0 0 14 1 22 Blackjack contestents, report to the Casino immediately. There are tables available. 0 0 15 1 22 Be sure to catch that fun-lovin' mother-daughter country-western singin' duo, The Juggs, appearing in "The Proud Lil' Seaman" lounge. 0 0 16 1 22 (BORING VOICE) Tonight. A spectacular display of audio-animatronics in "The Proud Little Seaman" lounge. Don't miss your chance to see "Great Moments with Mr. Clinton" in the lounge nightly. 0 0 17 1 22 Your attention please. Just because it's called the Poop Deck doesn't mean you can just drop your pants and drop a log. You know who you are! 0 0 18 1 22 Your attention, please. All contestants in last night's 24-hour Gerbil Swapping contest, please report to the infirmary. 0 0 19 1 22 Your attention, please. Following a successful all-night rewiring, the Lovemaster 2000� is once again open... and ready for love! 0 0 20 1 22 Your attention, please. All contestants entered in the Sheepshank competition, report to the B Deck lounge immediately. 0 0 21 1 22 Your attention, please. This ship has sails, but they're not made of silk. Rubies do not fill its hold. There is no gold, nor spice. That is all. 0 0 22 1 22 Your attention, please. Margaret has captured the Best Dressed Woman competition. Congratulations, Margee! 0 0 23 1 22 Your attention, please. The mandatory lifeboat safety drill for all passengers will be... oh, never mind. 0 0 24 1 22 Your attention, please. Would the person who borrowed the ship's lifeboat please return it? You may keep the First Aid kit. And no questions will be asked. 0 0 25 1 22 Your attention, please. Newt has won the High-Speed Life Vest Inflating competition. We salute you, Newt! 0 0 26 1 22 Your attention, please. Megan, report to the scuba tank immediately. 0 0 27 1 22 Your attention, please. There are no brass urinals aboard this ship. The baritone saxophone player is not amused! 0 0 28 1 22 Your attention, please. Tonight's Nude Ferret Legging Festival has been cancelled due to lack of interest. 0 0 29 1 22 Your attention, please. There will be a testing of the PMS Bouncy's electric sail motors tonight at eleven hundred hours P. M. o'clock in the evening when it's dark. That is all. 0 0 30 1 22 Your attention, please. Will the party who borrowed Captain Queeg's Balls please return them to the Ballroom? No questions will be asked. 0 0 31 1 22 Your attention, please. Paging Terese. Terese to the break room. Emergency cola run! 0 0 32 1 22 Paging Mr. Hunt. Mr. Michael... (BEAT) never mind. 0 0 33 1 22 Paging Mr. Hunt. Mr. York... (BEAT) Paging Mr. Hunt! 0 0 34 1 22 Paging Terese. Terese to the break room. Junk food running low! 0 0 35 1 22 Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! Live on the promenade deck! It's the Pope! Driving biiiiiiig trucks! See him go head-to-head with the nitro-fueled Twisted Bishop! We'll sell you the whole seat, but you'll only need the edge! Be there! 0 0 101 1 22 Your attention, please! Steve is the proud winner of the Nude Scrabble competition. 0 0 102 1 22 Your attention, please! Mark has just finished with a record high score in the Nude Curling competition. 0 0 103 1 22 Your attention, please! Jenn has just won the Strip Twister championship. 0 0 104 1 22 Your attention, please! Bryan has just won the Strip Solitaire championship. 0 0 105 1 22 Your attention, please. Walter Forbes to the Fo'c's'le. 0 0 106 1 22 Your attention, please! Don and Mark have just won the Synchronized Skinny Dipping portion of the competition. 0 0 107 1 22 Your attention, please! Al has just captured the Nude High Hurdles portion of the "Thygh's Man Trophy" championship. 0 0 108 1 22 Your attention, please! Ben has just beaten off all comers in the Self Stimulation Simulation. 0 0 109 1 22 Your attention, please! Don has just captured the piousness portion of the contest. 0 0 110 1 22 Your attention, please! Mark has just captured the temperance portion of the contest. 0 0 111 1 22 Your attention, please! Jenn has just won the strip shuffleboard tournament. 0 0 112 1 22 Your attention, please! Don has just won the high-speed portion of the contest. 0 0 113 1 22 Your attention, please! Bob has won the nude pole vaulting portion of the competition. 0 0 114 1 22 Your attention, please! Al has just finished the flatulence portion of the competition. E deck will re-open in 15 minutes! 0 0 115 1 22 Your attention, please! All contestants: be sure to complete the social disease pre-test on your scorecard. 0 0 116 1 22 Your attention, please! Layne has just won the nude blindfolded tattooing competition. 0 0 117 1 22 Your attention, please! Would the winner of last week's "Pleasing the Captain" competition please report to the infirmary at this time. Your test results are in. 0 0 118 1 22 Whoever removed random message 22 please report to security immediately. 0 0 119 1 22 Your attention, please! Bill has just won the all night disco marathon competition. 0 0 119 2 5 Damn! That's one where I could've had a chance! 0 0 120 1 22 Your attention, please. Layne has just won the Spud Trucking competition by hoisting a full load. 0 0 121 1 22 Your attention, please! Mike has just won the evening gown portion of the competition. 0 0 122 1 22 Your attention, please! Karin has just won the women's topless pogo stick competition. 0 0 122 2 5 I'm sorry I missed THAT one! 0 0 123 1 22 Your attention, please. Don has won the Skepticism Trophy, but refuses to believe it! 0 0 124 1 22 Your attention, please! Bryan has just won the fly fishing portion of the competition by landing a 103-lb grouper using nothing but his fly. 0 0 125 1 22 Your attention, please! Al has just been disqualified from further competition because of excessive artificial enhancement. You're not fooling anybody, Al! 0 0 126 1 22 Your attention, please! Jennifer has just won the women's topless accordion playing competition. Friends who wish to congratulate her, please report to the infirmary. 0 0 127 1 22 Your attention, please. Jason has just won the Nude Orange Passing competition. 0 0 128 1 22 Your attention, please. Bill has just won the Cherry Picking competition with a record high score of two. Way to go, Bill! 0 0 129 1 22 Your attention, please. Jason has just won the Nude Motocross portion of the competition with a leap of seven buses. 0 0 130 1 22 Your attention, please. Slim and Slime have just won the Moat Olympics! Way to go, fellas. Eye Five! 0 0 131 1 22 Your attention, please. Jason has just won the Atari 800 Hacking competition. Congratula... oops! Syntax Error. 0 0 8 1 22 Your attention, please! Larry Laffer has just been named the overall winner of this week's "Thygh's Man Trophy!" with a record high score! Congratulations, Larry! And now...Captain Thygh would like to meet you personally. 0 0 8 2 22 Your attention, please! Larry Laffer, overall winner of this week's "Thygh's Man Trophy!" Captain Thygh would like to meet you personally...in her cabin. 0 0 8 3 22 Your attention, please! Larry Laffer, overall winner of this week's "Thygh's Man Trophy!" Captain Thygh would like to meet you personally...in her cabin. (PAUSE) NOW! 0 0 8 4 22 Laffer, get your ass up to Captain Thygh's cabin! 0 0 3 1 22 Your attention, please! Larry Laffer has just won the best dressed man portion of the competition with a record high perfect score of 100 points! Congratulations, Larry! The world of fashion will never be the same!! 0 0 7 1 22 Your attention, please! Larry Laffer has just won the bowling portion of the competition with a record high perfect score of 300 points! Congratulations, Larry! You really blew the place apart!! 0 0 4 1 22 Your attention, please! Larry Laffer has just won the cook-off, with a record high score of 300 points! Congratulations, Larry! Everyone wants a copy of THAT recipe! 0 0 6 1 22 Your attention, please! Larry Laffer has just won the crap shooting portion of the competition with a record high score! Congratulations, Larry! Don't spend it all in one place!! 0 0 5 1 22 Your attention, please! Larry Laffer has just won the horseshoe tossing portion of the competition with a record high perfect score of 100 points! Congratulations, Larry! You really stuck it to 'em!! 0 0 2 1 22 Your attention, please! Larry Laffer has just won the sexual technique portion of the competition with a record high perfect score of 1000 points! Congratulations, Larry! What a man!!

90.msgEdit

26 0 0 1 98 Aft Hold 26 0 0 2 98 Aft Hold 0 0 1 1 98 Destination: 0 0 1 2 98 Destination: None 0 0 4 1 1 Okay. See you around. 0 0 4 2 2 Oh, you'll be back! But bring more money with you. It'll cost you. 0 0 4 3 5 Why am I not surprised? 0 0 5 1 1 I'm tired of playing this game, Dewmi. Do you mind if I leave now? 0 0 5 2 2 Well. How rude. But go ahead. Leave. Just remember the big rule. 0 0 5 3 1 Rule? 0 0 5 4 2 He who leaves gets to keep his clothes... 0 0 5 5 1 (NOT QUITE CONVINCED YET) That's good.... 0 0 5 6 2 ...but forfeits all his money. 0 0 5 7 1 I knew there was a catch. 0 0 6 1 98 You Are Here! 17 0 0 1 98 Captain Queeg's Ballroom 27 0 0 1 98 Lower Aft Hold 27 0 0 2 98 Lower Aft Hold 29 0 0 1 98 Best Dressed Competition 7 0 0 1 98 Aft Deck 9 0 0 1 98 Owner's Suite 22 0 0 1 98 Bowling Competition 20 0 0 1 98 Employees Only 20 0 0 2 98 Employees Only 1 0 0 1 98 Bridge 30 0 0 1 98 El Replicant Sculpture Garden 19 0 0 1 98 Pair o' Dice Casino 21 0 0 1 98 Cook-Off Competition 3 0 0 1 98 Bridge Deck 3 0 0 2 98 Promenade Deck 3 0 0 3 98 Lido Deck 3 0 0 4 98 Casino Deck 3 0 0 5 98 Below Decks 24 0 0 1 98 Cabin 510 24 0 2 1 2 Who is it? 24 0 2 2 1 (MUFFLED THROUGHOUT, AS THOUGH SPEAKING THROUGH A DOOR) It's me, Dewmi. 24 0 2 3 2 That can't be. I'M Dewmi! 24 0 2 4 1 (SHAKE HEAD) It is I, Larry Laffer. 24 0 2 5 2 Oh. Why didn't you say so? Did you bring money? 24 0 2 6 1 No. 24 0 2 7 2 Goodbye. 24 0 3 1 2 Who is it? 24 0 3 2 1 (MUFFLED; THROUGH DOOR) It's me. Larry. Larry Laffer. Remember? 24 0 3 3 2 Sure. You still broke? 24 0 3 4 1 No, baby. I'm loaded and ready for love. 24 0 3 5 2 I'll fix that! Come on in. 4 0 0 1 98 Fo'c's'le 15 0 0 1 98 Horseshoes Competition 10 0 0 1 98 Kitchen 25 0 0 1 98 Cabin 0 25 0 0 2 98 Cabin 0 14 0 0 1 98 Library 13 0 0 1 98 Das Grande Atriumo 13 0 0 2 98 Das Grande Atriumo 6 0 0 1 98 Proud Lil' Seaman Lounge 23 0 0 1 98 Forward Hold 23 0 0 2 98 Forward Hold 18 0 0 1 98 Sexual Prowess Competition 8 0 0 1 98 Clothing Optional Pool 16 0 0 1 98 Poop Deck 5 0 0 1 98 Promenade Deck 12 0 0 1 98 Purser's Desk 11 0 0 1 98 The Heaving Ho' 2 0 0 1 98 Captain's Quarters 2 0 0 2 98 Captain's Quarters

100.msgEdit

0 0 0 1 98 Copyright 1996 by Sierra On-Line, Inc. 3 0 0 2 1 (GRUNT UNDER THE WEIGHT OF A GIANT GLOBE) UUuuhhhnnnnnggggh! (ABOUT 3 SECONDS) 2 0 4 1 98 Resume My Previous Game 2 0 3 1 98 Lemme Outta Here! (Exit) 2 0 5 1 98 Visit the Larry Web Site 2 0 2 1 98 Start a Brand New Game 2 0 1 1 98 Open an Existing Game

110.msgEdit

0 0 1 1 1 (APPROACHING NIRVANA) Oh, baby! You're the GREATest! This has gotta be the BEST night of my life!! 0 0 1 2 4 (SULTRY, TEASING, TEMPTING) I need more, Larry; more! And, something new. (SUGGESTIVELY) Here...slip into these! 0 0 1 3 1 (Breathlessly) God, Shamara, is there anything we haven't done? 0 0 1 4 4 (SUDDENLY COLD) There's lots I haven't done, Laffer. (THE BOMBSHELL) That's why I'm leaving you. 0 0 1 5 1 (BEWILDERED) Leaving? Now? 0 0 1 6 4 A night with you gives a woman plenty of time to think. (SLIGHTLY SLOWER) That New Age philosophy crap just isn't me. (HARD AND COLD AGAIN) What I really love is: MONEY! 0 0 1 7 1 You can't leave me here like this! 0 0 1 8 4 You're right. (STICKS CIGARETTE IN HIS MOUTH) So long, sucker! 0 0 1 9 98 (THIS MESSAGE NO LONGER USED!) So long, sucker! 0 0 1 10 1 Hey! I don't smoke! 0 0 1 11 98 (THIS MESSAGE NO LONGER USED!) I don't smoke!! 0 0 1 12 1 (PARALLEL FIRST LINE) Oh, baby! You're the LOWest! This has gotta be the WORST night of my life!! 0 0 1 13 5 (SIGH) At least things can't get any worse! (ONE LOUD HACK SENDS THE CIGARETTE ONTO THE BED) 0 0 1 14 5 (QUIETLY) I should never say that! 0 0 1 15 1 Ow! 0 0 1 16 1 Ouch! 0 0 1 17 1 Oooww! 0 0 16 1 1 (COUGH 3 TIMES) Cough. Hack. Awwwwwwccckk! 0 0 15 1 1 (PORN MOVIE SOUNDTRACK) Moan. Oh. Baby. Yes. There, no there! Oh, God. 0 0 15 2 4 (PORN MOVIE SOUNDTRACK) Moan. Oh. Baby. Yes. There, no there! Oh, God. 0 0 11 1 17 (ALWAYS THROUGH BULLHORN) Inventory objects work just like game objects: left click on one and a menu appears. Try "Look"-ing at one now. 0 0 13 1 17 Open the complimentary Lil' Hair Weave Kit and see if there's anything inside that could help you. 0 0 13 2 17 To open the Hair Weave Kit, go to the Inventory window by selecting it from the pull-down "Game" menu. Then left-click on the Hair Weave Kit and select "Open" from its menu. 0 0 12 1 17 The objects in Inventory behave exactly like objects in the game. You can Use inventory objects on other inventory objects just like you use inventory objects on game objects. 0 0 12 2 17 First select the needle, then use the vice grips on it. 0 0 12 3 17 In Inventory, click on the needle. From the needle's menu move down to "Use..." then move over and down to click on "Vice Grips." That's how to use the vice grips on the needle. 0 0 7 1 17 Now that you've got something to work with, pop up your Inventory window and start making things happen. 0 0 7 2 17 Pull down the menu bar from the upper-left corner of the screen. From the Game menu, select Inventory. Or right-click your mouse anywhere. 0 0 3 1 17 Move the cursor around the screen until it's over an object. You can tell because the cursor "changes in shape." Click the left mouse button and a menu will appear. 0 0 2 1 17 Adventure games require a lot of "Look"-ing. Be sure you click on everything that causes your cursor to highlight, then, from the resulting menu, select "Look." 0 0 9 1 17 Move your mouse cursor to the upper-left corner of the game's graphics area until a menu bar appears. Click on the menu bar and a menu will drop down. 0 0 8 1 17 Click the right mouse button almost anywhere and a shortcut menu will appear, listing the things you do most during game play. 0 0 4 1 17 Try "Taking" something from the tables beside your bed. 0 0 4 2 17 Move your mouse over a table until the cursor, uh, "unrolls," er, "lengthens," that is, "highlights." Click the left mouse button. Select "Take" from the resulting menu. If Take isn't on the menu, you're over the wrong spot. 0 0 14 1 17 The other table also has something you need. 0 0 14 2 17 Take La Costa Lotta's complimentary "Lil' Hair Weave Kit" from the other table. 0 0 17 1 17 The other table also has something you need. 0 0 17 2 17 Take Shamara's Vice Grips from the other table. 0 0 18 1 17 (ALWAYS THROUGH BULLHORN) Attention! Attention!! You in the Penthouse! 0 0 18 2 1 (CONFUSED) Me? 0 0 18 3 17 Yeah, you -- the person who spent the night with Shamara! Leave now! We think there may be a fire somewhere. 6 161 0 1 99 Stop fooling around and figure out how to get out of here! 6 1 0 1 99 It's on fire. And not with passion! 6 68 0 1 98 Shamara's Hot Bed 6 65 0 1 99 That's only a "sew sew" idea. 6 14 0 1 99 6 77 0 1 99 6 8 0 1 99 What?! (GRUNTINGLY) "Me take fire home cave?" Oh Larry, I love it when you go Neanderthal! 13 1 0 1 99 This is no time for souvenirs. Besides, your bra drawer is already bulging! 13 68 0 1 98 Brassiere 12 1 0 1 99 Who put THAT there? 12 68 0 1 98 Used Condom 12 8 0 1 99 You've gotten all the good you're going to get out of that! 4 1 0 1 99 (LIKE THE PSA) This is your body. Soon, this will be your body on fire. Any questions? 4 68 0 1 98 You 4 77 0 1 5 (TAKING A LEAK) Ahhhh. (ONLY NOW YOU REALIZE IT WAS IN YOUR PANTS) Oops. 4 77 0 2 99 Good thing you wore your industrial strength "extra absorbent" underwear! 4 6 0 1 99 This is no time to "touch yourself." 5 1 0 1 99 It's called "fire." It's spreading. And it's going to kill you, if you don't get the hell out of here! 5 68 0 1 98 Fire 5 77 0 1 99 10 1 0 1 99 La Costa Lotta thoughtfully provides one of these complimentary "Lil' Hair Weave Kits" in every room. 10 68 0 1 98 Lil' Hair Weave Kit 10 8 0 1 5 My comb-over COULD use a little thickening. 3 98 0 1 17 You ARE desparate, aren't you? Have you found the pull-down menus? Have you explored the "Game" menu? Have you tried "Inventory?" Have you thought about "Opening" the Lil' Hair Weave Kit? Come on, Larry! Think, man!! Don't sit on your hands and make little funny noises. 3 1 0 1 99 In handcuffs, as in life, Shamara spared no expense. There's no way you'll ever break a pair of cuffs manufactured by a company called "Sisters of Steel!" 3 68 0 1 98 Handcuffs 3 65 0 1 5 Maybe... 3 14 0 1 99 The needle is just too straight to use as a lock pick! 3 61 0 1 99 Yes. That's the whole idea, isn't it? 3 13 0 1 99 There's no way your Vice Grips are strong enough. Those grips spell "vice" with a "C," not an "S." 7 1 0 1 99 The lower parts of the headboard are filled with small dents... but that's not your problem right now. 7 68 0 1 98 Headboard 1 1 0 1 99 There's nothing more on THAT table. 1 1 5 1 99 One of La Costa Lotta's complimentary "Lil' Hair Weave Kits" lies on the table. You were planning to take it home. 1 68 0 1 98 Left Table 1 8 0 1 99 1 8 5 1 5 2 1 0 1 99 2 1 6 1 99 That table would be empty, if Shamara hadn't left her Vice Grips lying there. 2 68 0 1 98 Right Table 2 8 0 1 99 There's nothing more on that table. 2 8 6 1 99 11 1 0 1 99 Shamara's Vice Grips lie on the table, just waiting for another chance at love. 11 68 0 1 98 "Vice" Grips 11 8 0 1 5 It's a good thing Shamara used those Vice Grips last night. I can just reach 'em from here.

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0 0 10 1 17 (ALWAYS THROUGH BULLHORN) Break the glass door! 0 0 10 2 17 (EXASPERATED) What's the matter with you, man! You're not limited to the standard set of Sierra verbs! Use the "Other..."! 0 0 10 3 17 (MORE INSTRUCTIONAL NOW) Click on the glass door. Select "Other..." from the menu. In the resulting dialog box, type in the word "Break." 0 0 3 1 17 Jump!! 0 0 3 2 1 (LOUD) Are you crazy? This is the fortieth floor! 0 0 3 3 17 (LYING) Don't worry. We've got a net. 4 64 0 1 99 There's not enough water in the aquarium to put out that raging inferno! 4 67 0 1 5 Even that long night of love making hasn't made me thirsty enough to drink warm water laced with fish feces. 4 92 0 1 99 The aquarium's contents are too "well done" to be considered sushi. 4 1 0 1 99 Those poor little guys have seen better days. 4 68 0 1 98 Aquarium 2 1 0 1 99 This chair is a solid heavy-weight example of the fine furniture craftsmanship of the "Design Guild de Motel Seiks." 2 68 0 1 98 Chair 2 8 0 1 99 You don't need to take it; just throw it. Now. Quick! 2 60 0 1 1 (CARRY HEAVY CHAIR FOR 4 SECONDS) Groan. 2 60 0 2 5 (Sigh.) Hotel furniture just ain't what it used to be! 6 1 0 1 99 (SEXY) The flames burn with white hot passion, probing every opening, spreading... oh, wait; that was you, last night. 6 1 0 2 5 (HAPPY ABOUT THIS) Hey, yeah? 6 68 0 1 98 Flames 3 1 0 1 99 La Costa Lotta recycled an old barbell and a couple of 10-pound weights to make this floor lamp. 3 68 0 1 98 Floor Lamp 3 8 0 1 99 3 60 0 1 1 (4" OF STRUGGLE & STRAIN; YOU CAN'T LIFT IT) Ungh, ogh, oh, ugh. 3 60 0 2 99 You can't lift that, Larry; it must weigh all of 20 pounds! 3 62 0 1 99 Don't you ever think about anything but sex!? 3 63 0 1 99 (THE ROOM IS ABLAZE AND HE UNPLUGS THE LAMP) What? You're afraid it will "start a fire?" 7 1 0 1 99 You look really good in those tiny skivies. 7 1 7 1 1 x 7 68 0 1 98 You 1 64 0 1 1 (LEAPING THROUGH A GLASS DOOR) Hai Yah! Ugbbababaph! 1 64 0 2 1 (DISCOVERING SOMETHING IMPORTANT) Hey...what's this!? 1 64 0 3 1 (WHINE ABOUT CUT FINGERTIP) Ow! I hate paper cuts! 1 64 0 4 1 (AFTER INSERTING IN UNDERPANTS) Ow! I HATE paper cuts! 1 64 0 5 17 (ALWAYS THROUGH BULLHORN) Jump! 1 64 0 6 1 Okay. I'm coming... 1 64 0 7 17 I wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard that! 1 64 0 8 1 (EXTREME SLO-MO, DOWN 2 OCTAVES; DO SEVERAL TAKES OF VARIED LENGTHS) Oh, shi... 1 64 0 9 1 (SEVERAL SOUNDS OF HITTING THINGS) Ow! Oh! Doh! Uch! 1 64 0 10 22 (RAPIDLY, WITH MUCH ENERGY, LIKE A SUPERBOWL DISNEYLAND PLUG) Leisure Suit Larry, you just leapt from the 40th floor of a burning building! What are you gonna do next? 1 64 0 11 1 (HESITANTLY) I'm going to... (EXAMINE TICKET) 1 64 0 12 1 (POSITIVELY) ...take a cruise! 1 1 0 1 99 This glass door leads to the balcony... and safety! 1 68 0 1 98 Glass Patio Door 1 61 0 1 5 Our night of passionate love-making must have overheated the frame! 1 61 0 2 99 Yeah. Right. 5 1 5 1 99 The roses are symbolic... of your love life! 5 1 4 1 99 Three simple roses. A perfect metaphor of Shamara and you and...okay, so maybe it's an imperfect metaphor. 5 68 5 1 98 Dried Flower 5 68 4 1 98 Rose 5 8 5 1 99 They'd crumble at your touch...kind of like Shamara. 5 8 4 1 99 Sure. Right. This would be a good time to pick flowers.

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0 0 0 1 1 Oooh, hello there, boat babes! My name is Larry; Larry Laffer! 0 0 0 2 3 Welcome aboard the PMS Bouncy, Laffer. 0 0 0 3 3 I'm Captain Thygh! 0 0 0 4 1 (STAGE WHISPER) Before this cruise is over, she'll be fallin' all over me!

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7 0 0 1 99 St. Louis Cathedral is unavailable from the day 1 playable demo. 7 0 26 1 99 The Napolean House is unavailable from the day 1 playable demo. 7 0 29 1 99 The Historical Voodoo Museum is unavailable from the day 1 playable demo. 7 0 27 1 99 The Dixieland Drug Store is unavailable from the day 1 playable demo. 2 0 0 1 99 St. George's Book Shop 4 0 0 1 99 St. Louis Cathedral 12 0 0 1 99 Cazaunoux Residence 6 0 0 1 99 Greater New Orleans Area Map 10 0 0 1 99 Jackson Square Overlook 3 0 0 1 99 Jackson Square 11 0 0 1 99 Moonbeam Residence 9 0 0 1 99 Napolean House 5 0 0 1 99 Police station 14 0 0 1 99 Historical Voodoo Museum 13 0 0 1 99 Dixieland Drug Store 1 0 3 1 99 ***Gabriel notices that its getting late and decides to return to the book shop for the day. 1 0 1 1 97 !!!Do not print this. Comment msg only. 1 0 30 1 99 Please select a destination icon. 8 0 19 1 99 Barracks Street 8 0 28 1 99 Basin Street 8 0 8 1 99 Bienville Street 8 0 4 1 99 Bourbon Street 8 0 5 1 99 Burgundy Street 8 0 6 1 99 Canal Street 8 0 22 1 99 Chartres Street 8 0 9 1 99 Conti Street 8 0 24 1 99 Dauphine Street 8 0 21 1 99 Decatur Street 8 0 15 1 99 Dumaine Street 8 0 20 1 99 Esplanade Avenue 8 0 18 1 99 Govenor Nicholls Street 8 0 7 1 99 Iberville Street 8 0 13 1 99 Orleans Street 8 0 25 1 99 N. Rampart Street 8 0 23 1 99 Royal Street 8 0 14 1 99 St. Ann Street 8 0 10 1 99 St. Louis Street 8 0 12 1 99 St. Peter Street 8 0 16 1 99 St. Philip Street 8 0 11 1 99 Toulouse Street 8 0 17 1 99 Ursulines Street

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0 1 0 1 99 Captain Thygh's whiteboard graphically displays the relative progress of the leading contestants in her "Thygh's Man Trophy" race. 0 1 1 1 99 You're not doing very well. 0 1 1 2 99 You're doing all right, but you're a long way from first place. 0 1 1 3 99 You know, you just might be able to pull this one together, Larry. 0 1 1 4 99 Your cheating has served you well. Now, just don't get caught now! 0 1 1 5 99 You can almost taste the sweetness of victory... if you can win, that is. 0 68 0 1 98 Captain Thygh's Leader Board 1 0 0 1 98 Al 1 0 0 2 98 William 1 0 0 3 98 Bob 1 0 0 4 98 Bryan 1 0 0 5 98 David 1 0 0 6 98 Don 1 0 0 7 98 Jason 1 0 0 8 98 Layne 1 0 0 9 98 Mark 1 0 0 10 98 Steve 1 0 0 11 98 Jennifer 1 0 0 12 98 Ben

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6 1 0 1 99 Captain Thygh is built like a brick shipyard! 6 68 0 1 98 Thygh's Body 2 1 0 1 99 In case of emergency, these may be used as a flotation device. 2 68 0 1 98 Thygh's Chest 5 1 0 1 99 Captain Thygh has a face which DID launch a thousand ships! 5 68 0 1 98 Thygh's Face 4 1 0 1 5 How I'd love to dock my skin boat in that harbor! 4 68 0 1 98 Thygh's Legs 7 1 0 1 99 Loose lips may sink ships, but Captain Thygh knows how to use hers to keep things up! 7 68 0 1 98 Thygh's Lips 1 161 0 1 3 There's no need to guess, Laffer. I'll tell you exactly what to do. That's what I do best! 1 165 0 1 1 But, how can you change the rules now? I thought I'd won the game! 1 165 0 2 3 After seeing you, Larry Laffer, suddenly I expect something more. And besides, I always say "a man should give before he gets." 1 52 0 1 3 That looks like ship's property. How did you obtain that? 1 52 0 2 1 Oh, I think I bought it at our last port of call. 1 52 0 3 3 Oh. Well, okay. But don't let me see it again. 1 113 0 1 1 So waddaya say, Cappy? How about a little date? You and me? Tonight? A little dinner, a little disco, a lotta "dat-co!?" 1 113 0 2 3 Not this time, Larry. I... have... a headache. 1 113 0 3 1 Yeah. Like I haven't heard THAT one before! (You can take aspirin, you know.) 1 164 0 1 1 What do you mean, "on we?" 1 164 0 2 3 "Ennui!" Oh, it's difficult to explain... 1 164 0 3 99 ennui, noun. Listlessness and dissatisfaction resulting from lack of interest; boredom. French, from the Old French "ennuier:" to annoy, to bore, from the Vulgar Latin. To quote John Barth, "The servants relieved their ennui with gambling and gossip about their masters." 1 164 0 4 3 (BEWILDERED AT HEARING NARRATOR'S VOICE) Who the hell is THAT? 1 164 0 5 1 I don't know. But I hear him all the time! 1 162 0 1 1 I am so excited about winning the free cruise... and spending a week with a beautiful babe like you! 1 162 0 2 3 (PATHOLOGICAL LIAR) Why, there must be some mistake. No, that was never part of the offer. 1 162 0 3 1 But, I thought... you know, your cabin... a week of... 1 66 0 1 1 Don't you get tired of spending every week with a new man, learning his fancies, his desires, his sensitivities, his erogenous zones? Learning to please him? 1 66 0 2 3 Perhaps I don't understand the question. What exactly are you are trying to say? 1 163 0 1 1 But I won the contests, fair and... (YOU REALLY CHEATED ON ALL OF THEM) I won the contests! 1 163 0 2 3 Yes, I know. Well, the cruise part is no problem. I'm sure YOUR room is available next week. (HE'S SLEEPING IN THE ENGINE ROOM) 1 163 0 3 1 But... 1 163 0 4 3 And I know that the winner is SUPPOSED to spend a week with me, but... I'm filled with ennui. 1 86 0 1 1 I just remembered... I've got a meeting. Bye bye. 1 86 0 2 3 Yeah. Right. (ASSUREDLY) You'll be back. 1 70 0 1 3 I don't know anything at all about that. 1 58 0 1 3 I don't want it, but you have to admit it is very impressive. Just look at the size of it! 1 58 0 2 5 I wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard that! 1 100 0 1 3 There's been some terrible error. I was told the winner of my competition was one "Larry Laffer." 1 100 0 2 1 Oh, that's me, all righty! 1 101 0 1 1 I'm back! 1 101 0 2 3 (SARCASTICALLY) Excuse me while I try to hide my enthusiasm. 1 101 0 3 1 Yeah. I'm excited too! 1 115 0 1 1 You know, I know Ken Williams personally. 1 115 0 2 3 Oh, yeah? Well, I know Ken Williams Biblically! 1 17 0 1 3 So what? I have a key to every door! 1 166 0 1 1 So, what do you really want out of life, Captain? 1 166 0 2 3 Oh, I don't know. The cruise game just isn't what it used to be. Once, everything was tinsel and glamour, jet setters and high rollers, playboys and loose sex. And now? Richard Simmons and Cathy Lee! (BEAT) Besides, this was never my idea of a career. I want to return to my previous occupation. 1 166 0 3 1 Oh? 1 166 0 4 3 Supertanker captain. 1 166 0 5 1 Really? 1 166 0 6 3 Yes. I'd do anything to put "some real mass" under me again! I just can't understand why I lost that gig on the "Boning Valdez" just because we happened to run aground. Like it's my fault Hazelton would rather spend the night in my cabin instead of on that drafty old bridge! 1 1 0 1 99 Captain Thygh is beautiful, spoiled and oversexed. 1 1 0 2 1 It's like I died and went to heaven! 1 114 0 1 1 Did I mention I've met Al Lowe? 1 114 0 2 3 Did I mention I've had him? 1 114 0 3 5 Damn! Smoked again! 1 23 0 1 3 That looks like a key to the storage areas in the hold. You haven't been messing around below decks, have you? 1 23 0 2 1 Oh, no. But I'd like to mess around with you! 1 23 0 3 3 You should BE so lucky! 1 72 0 1 3 Do you think I don't know how you got that money? Really, Laffer. 1 68 0 1 98 Captain Thygh 1 247 0 1 1 So, waddaya say? A little game of drop the anchor? You and me? Stem to stern? Tug and tanker? 1 247 0 2 3 God, Larry, you're pathetic. How'd did you ever get past the LoveMaster 2000? Cheat? 1 247 0 3 1 Was that a "no?" 1 16 0 1 3 Well, I'll be damned. You DID win! 1 110 0 1 1 But I thought you just automatically had sex with every guy who won your contest?! 1 110 0 2 3 Yeah, I did. Until now. Perhaps it's time for a change. 1 59 0 1 1 You know, Cappy, I just might be the boy who makes your dreams come true. 1 59 0 2 3 This is doubtful. Extremely doubtful. 1 59 0 3 1 What would you say if I told you I recently came into a significant position in a major shipping line? 1 59 0 4 3 I'd say we were both dreaming. 1 59 0 5 1 Well, dream no more, sweetcakes. Let me whip this out. 1 59 0 6 3 God, how crude! 1 59 0 7 1 Yep, crude it is! Crude OIL shipping. 1 59 0 8 3 (SOTTE VOCE) Well, I'll be damned! (TO LARRY) Does this say what I think it says? That you're... 1 59 0 9 1 ...nothing less than the proud new majority shareholder of BoneCo Transportation. (PUFFING UP) Only the number one crude oil shipper in all the world! 1 59 0 10 3 (THOUGHTFULLY) This changes everything. 1 59 0 11 1 (PRETENTIOUSLY) Sure does. But operating the world's largest fleet of super-tankers is so demanding. The environmental groups; the regulators; the constant turn-over when captains strike major continents... 1 59 0 12 3 (SUDDENLY SEXY) Turnover can be a good thing... 1 59 0 13 1 Well, I AM looking for someone to "fill a position directly under me!" 1 59 0 14 3 (SMILES HER CONSENT) Mmmmm. 1 59 0 15 3 (SOFTLY, SEXY) Oh, Larry. 1 59 0 16 1 (APPROACHING NIRVANA) Oh, baby! You're the GREATest! This has got to be the BEST night of my life!! 1 59 0 17 3 (ONCE AGAIN FORCEFUL) Put on these handcuffs, Laffer! 1 59 0 18 1 Although I truly appreciate opera, do you mind putting on some of MY music?

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0 0 2 1 98 first time on this deck, flash the smell logo #1, ocean breezes 0 0 1 1 1 Don't you wish you could see the stuff that's back here? 1 1 0 1 99 Up this short ramp is the ship's nautically-themed ('though politically-incorrect) lounge, "The Proud Little Seaman!" At various times, it doubles as a meeting room, theater, bar and comedy club. 1 68 0 1 98 "Proud Lil' Seaman" Entrance 2 1 0 1 99 This is where you boarded the ship. 2 1 0 2 1 Ah! So, if I want to leave, I could just walk out that way. 2 1 0 3 99 Yes, but keep in mind that the first step is a long way down... and wet! 2 1 0 4 1 Just the way I like it! 2 68 0 1 98 Gangplank Opening 4 68 0 1 98 Peggy 3 1 0 1 99 This railing runs around the entire ship and yet it never gets tired. Ugh. 3 68 0 1 98 Railing 6 1 0 1 99 A one-eyed topiary weasel? Probably in show business. 6 68 0 1 98 Animal Topiary 5 1 0 1 99 Whoever heard of a topiary "Where's Dildo?" 5 68 0 1 98 Thin Topiary 7 1 0 1 99 You've always had a weak spot in your heart for cute topiary pussies. 7 68 0 1 98 Kitty Cat Topiary

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11 1 0 1 99 Look! From here you can see the Juggs didn't even bother to plug in their guitar amps. Everything was pre-recorded. 11 1 0 2 1 I feel SO... used. 11 68 0 1 98 Guitar Amplifiers 12 1 0 1 99 Quite a theme they've got going here, isn't it? 12 68 0 1 98 Backdrop 4 1 0 1 99 They're fake. Just like the drinks. 4 68 0 1 98 Cannon 13 1 0 1 5 The Juggs must have lost the electric chase lights from their clothing in the frenzy of our passionate love-making. 13 1 0 2 99 Either that or their battery's run down. 13 68 0 1 98 Clothing Chase Lights 13 8 0 1 99 What are you going to do with those? 14 5 0 1 99 Well. What's this? The sound man left his earplugs lying under the mixer. 14 1 0 1 99 You haven't seen a mixer like this since you ran sound for that rock band back in high school. 14 68 0 1 98 Mixer 14 62 0 1 99 No. Leave well enough alone. 15 1 0 1 99 The Juggs spare no expense bringing the utmost in musical realism to their act. 15 68 0 1 98 Mr. Karaoke Box 15 62 0 1 99 Fortunately for everyone, there is no tape in Mr. Karaoke Box. 16 1 0 1 99 There's Dildo! 16 68 0 1 98 Mr. Microphone 16 62 0 1 1 (WITH CHEAP ECHO) Hey, cutie! We'll be back to pick you up real soon! 7 1 0 1 99 No, you can't log on! 7 68 0 1 98 Net 17 1 0 1 99 That's the remote control the sound engineer uses to turn on and off the Juggs' electric clothing. 17 68 0 1 98 Remote Control 17 8 0 1 99 There's a "remote" possibility you could use that. 3 1 0 1 99 These clever doors close to protect the PA system's loudspeakers from ill-thrown bottles that miss the entertainers. 3 68 0 1 98 Speaker Doors 6 1 6 1 99 This stage is a veritable Vaudevillian's Graveyard, where talentless acts go to die! 6 1 7 1 99 You'd love to go on stage, but you forgot your climbing gear. 6 1 7 2 1 Hey, yeah! Why didn't I bring my climbing gear? 6 1 7 3 99 (EXASPERATED) Because you don't have climbing gear! 6 1 7 4 1 Oh. Well, yeah. 6 68 0 1 98 Stage 2 1 0 1 99 These stairs lead up to the stage. 2 68 0 1 98 Stage Stairs 8 1 0 1 99 You heard this place was filled with big chests, but... 8 68 0 1 98 Barrels & Chests 8 94 0 1 99 Only you would think to sit down and watch a non-existent stage show! 18 1 0 1 99 There's not much left to THAT leisure suit. Or those country western outfits. 18 68 0 1 98 Shredded Clothing

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0 0 1 1 16 ...there's a few chairs there in the back. Oh, never mind. If you're not seated by now, just stand! 0 0 1 2 16 (SPEECH FORMALLY BEGINS; KEEP IT MOVING) I'm sure Captain Thygh will be pleased to see such a good turnout this week. As you know, each week she runs a little competition for her male (SOFTLY) (or male-like) (NORMAL) passengers, which she calls "The Thygh's Man Trophy" contest. Of course, there's no actual trophy involved. No, what you win is better than hardware: one of you will spend next week "Cruising on the Captain." (CLEAR THROAT) That is, she'll treat you to a one-week cruise in her cabin where your (A LITTLE DISGUST) every need will be met. (BUSINESS-LIKE AGAIN) By now, each of you has received your personal scorecard, listing a random set of events the computer assigned you. Don't worry; no one has to enter every event -- there are too many. Just find the ones listed on your scorecard, enter and win. The "man" with the highest total score wins. (BEAT) Are there any questions? 0 0 1 3 34 Are there any answers? 0 0 1 4 16 You may begin. 0 0 1 5 1 Hey. I've got a question. 0 0 1 6 16 Yes? There. In the... interesting clothes. 0 0 1 7 1 What's this item listed here on my scorecard: "Chast-titty?" 0 0 1 8 16 It's a joke, sweetheart! Say what's wrong with you, anyway? You're not some sort of "government infiltrator," are you? 0 0 1 9 1 That's ridiculous! 0 0 1 10 16 Oh, yes? I'm gonna keep my eye on you, sweetheart! 0 0 1 11 1 It's not my fault you can't MAKE a joke! 0 0 1 12 16 Yeah? You'll find out when we're finally in charge. Then you'll be the one singing a "chast-titty" tune! 0 0 1 13 1 That's it. I'm leaving now. Everyone else has already gone. 0 0 1 14 16 So they have. Very well. Dismissed! 0 0 1 15 5 (CONFUSED) He's a strange one!

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0 0 1 1 16 ...there's a few chairs there in the back. Oh, never mind. If you're not seated by now, just stand! 0 0 1 2 16 (SPEECH FORMALLY BEGINS; KEEP IT MOVING) I'm sure Captain Thygh will be pleased to see such a good turnout this week. As you know, each week she runs a little competition for her male (SOFTLY) (or male-like) (NORMAL) passengers, which she calls "The Thygh's Man Trophy" contest. Of course, there's no actual trophy involved. No, what you win is better than hardware: one of you will spend next week "Cruising on the Captain." (CLEAR THROAT) That is, she'll treat you to a one-week cruise in her cabin where your (A LITTLE DISGUST) every need will be met. (BUSINESS-LIKE AGAIN) By now, each of you has received your personal scorecard, listing a random set of events the computer assigned you. Don't worry; no one has to enter every event -- there are too many. Just find the ones listed on your scorecard, enter and win. The "man" with the highest total score wins. (BEAT) Are there any questions? 0 0 1 3 34 Are there any answers? 0 0 1 4 16 You may begin. 0 0 1 5 1 Hey. I've got a question. 0 0 1 6 16 Yes? There. In the... interesting clothes. 0 0 1 7 1 What's this item listed here on my scorecard: "Chast-titty?" 0 0 1 8 16 It's a joke, sweetheart! Say what's wrong with you, anyway? You're not some sort of "government infiltrator," are you? 0 0 1 9 1 That's ridiculous! 0 0 1 10 16 Oh, yes? I'm gonna keep my eye on you, sweetheart! 0 0 1 11 1 It's not my fault you can't MAKE a joke! 0 0 1 12 16 Yeah? You'll find out when we're finally in charge. Then you'll be the one singing a "chast-titty" tune! 0 0 1 13 1 That's it. I'm leaving now. Everyone else has already gone. 0 0 1 14 16 So they have. Very well. Dismissed! 0 0 1 15 5 (CONFUSED) He's a strange one!

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0 2 1 18 And now: The Proud Lil' Seaman Lounge presents our version of Disney's Mr. Lincoln. Welcome to "Great Moments with Mr. Clinton," starring our little audio-animatronic answer to the deterioration of respect for the office of the President of the United States, WILLY! 0 0 2 2 35 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And let me just say this: Thank you. I'm your president! 0 0 2 3 34 (laughter) 0 0 2 4 35 Hey, wait a minute now. I haven't started the jokes yet! 0 0 2 5 35 Ya know, I'll tell any joke, any color, for just $49.95. Ha ha ha ha. Not just my own, mind you, but yours too. I want to share the wealth. Just record 'em in the proper format and stick 'em in the game's sub-directory and you can hear me say 'em, right here, on stage! After all, I'm not a real President; just an incredibly life-like stimulation, I mean, simulation! 0 0 2 6 35 And now, without any further to do, here's the gags! 1 0 1 1 35 How do you recognize Al Gore when he's surrounded by Secret Service agents? Easy. He's the stiff one. 1 0 1 2 35 What do I say to Hillary right before sex? See you in an hour. 1 0 1 3 35 One day I was jogging along the beach when I found a lamp. I rubbed it and a real Genie appeared. I was amazed. "What's your wish?" he asked. "Obvious," I replied. "Peace in the Middle East. See this map? Make these countries stop fighting each other." The Genie looked at the map and then looked at me. "Dammit, man! I'm good, but I'm not THAT good! These countries have fought for thousands of years. It can't be done. Make another wish." I knew exactly what I wanted. "You know my wife, Hillary? Make her the most beautiful woman in the world and make everybody like her." And do you know what that Genie said? "Lemme see that damn map!" 1 0 1 4 35 The other morning, I jogged down to MacDonald's with Hillary's new puppy. A guy yelled at me, "Cute puppy." I replied, "Yeah, ain't she? I got her for Hillary!" And he yelled back, "Good trade!" 1 0 1 5 35 Last summer, Al Gore and I were guests at a barbecue fund raiser, when I noticed an old dog lying by the podium licking himself. I leaned over to Al and said, "Boy, I sure wish I could do that." You know what Al said? "I dunno. He looks kinda mean to me!" 1 0 1 6 35 Here's a Bob Dole joke for ya: How's an old man like a bumper sticker? The older they get, the harder it is to get 'em off. Right, Elizabeth? 1 0 1 7 35 Now ladies and gentlemen, if there's one thing you know about me, it's that I am an expert on the fairer sex. Now follow me on this. From age 13-18, a woman is like Africa: virgin and unexplored. From age 18-30, she is like Asia: wild and exotic. From age 30-45, she is like the United States: fully developed and free with her resources. From age 45-60, she is like Europe: well-explored, nearly worn out, but still has points of interest. From age 60 on, she is like Australia: everybody knows it's down there, but, nobody really cares. 1 0 1 10 35 What do you get when you cross an onion and a donkey? Most of the time you get an onion with really long ears. But every once in a while, you get an ass that'll bring tears to your eyes! 1 0 1 11 35 An airliner went through some really violent turbulence. Rough enough that the flight attendants strapped themselves in and many of the passengers were air sick. When they finally got through it and the air calmed, the captain's voice came over the intercom, "Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it? But we came through it fine, and I'm glad to report it looks like the remainder of our trip will be calm. On behalf of myself and the flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston." Then, wrongly believing he had switched off his microphone, said to his co-pilot, "What a friggin' ride! Man, could I use a strong cup of coffee and a blow job right about now!" As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to inform him his mic was still on, a sweet little old lady called out to her, "Honey! Don't forget his coffee!" 1 0 1 12 35 Once when I was in college I ate a hash brownie... but I didn't swallow. 1 0 1 13 35 Know my definition of "safe sex?" Anytime Hillary is out of the White House! (PAUSE) Andrew Fairthorne told me that joke! Pretty good, huh? 1 0 1 14 35 That FBI file we got on Al Lowe? Honest mistake! I swear. And you know you can trust me.... 1 0 1 15 35 The Pope dies and, naturally, he goes to heaven. He's met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates and, after a whirlwind tour, is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available. He decides he's going to read all the ancient original texts of the Holy Scriptures. After an eon or so to learn the languages, he sits down in the library to pore over every version of The Bible. Suddenly there is a scream in the library. The angels come running, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, muttering, "`R!' They left out the `R!'" God takes him aside, offers him comfort and asks him about the problem. The Pope sobs again, "It's the letter `R'... the word was `CELEBRATE!'" 1 0 1 16 35 The convent is being remodeled and two nuns are assigned the task of painting the library. Mother Superior cautions them not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After discussing this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice tits!" says the man. "Where do you want me to put these blinds?" 1 0 1 17 35 "Rush Limbaugh is a big fat idiot." Oh, I don't want to talk about the book, I just LOVE that title! 1 0 1 18 35 Don'cha just love those Republicans? Bob Woodward writes bad stuff about Nixon and he's a liar. Bob Woodward writes bad stuff about Reagan and he's a liar. Bob Woodward writes bad stuff about me and he's a thoroughly researched journalist! 1 0 1 19 35 So what if Hillary consults with the dead?!? What about Nancy?! I say: what about Nancy?!! 1 0 1 20 35 The other night, I dreamt I was the Ayatollah Khomeini. Then I woke up and realized Socks was sleepin' on my face. 1 0 1 21 35 Is it just me, or does Jimmy Carville sound like a hillbilly in a blender? 1 0 1 22 35 Vice President Al Gore had been working lots of late nights with me. Tipper decided to give him something to come home for. She bought a pair of crotchless panties and when Al came walking in, there she was: sprawled across the sofa, with her new purchase clearly displayed. "Don't you want a little of this, honey?" she purred. Al took one look and said, "Not after what it did to those panties!" 1 0 1 23 35 A guy dies and finds himself in hell. He's totally depressed. "Sure I may have led a wild life," he thinks, "but I can't believe I was THIS bad. I didn't know it would come to this!" The admissions counselor notices his heavy heart. "What's the matter, young man? You seem depressed." "Well, what do you think? I'm in hell, aren't I?" The counselor replies, "Well, yeah, but it's not so bad. We have a lot of fun here. Do you drink?" "Well, sure. I like to drink." "Well then, you're gonna love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. Nothing but the finest whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, anything you want and as much as you want. And no hangover 'cause you're already dead! Yeah, you're gonna love Mondays. Do you smoke?" "Well, sure. I like to smoke." "Well then, you're gonna love Tuesdays. On Tuesdays we smoke up a storm. Nothing but the finest cigars, the best cigarettes. And no worries about cancer 'cause you're already dead! Yeah, you're gonna love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs?" "Well, I mighta done a little in college." "Well then, you're gonna love Wednesdays. On Wednesdays we do drugs all day. You can have all you want of any drug you've ever heard of. And no worries about ODing or addiction 'cause you're already dead. Yeah, you're gonna love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?" "Well, sure. I like to gamble." "Well then, you're gonna love Thursdays. On Thursdays we gamble up a storm. All day, all night, Blackjack, craps, poker, slots, horse racing, everything! And you never have to pay your bookie 'cause you're already dead! Yeah, you're gonna love Thursdays. Are you gay?" "Uhh...no." "Oh. Well then, you're gonna hate Fridays...." 1 0 1 24 35 One of my secretaries stopped at a bar in Georgetown for a drink. As she waited at the bar, she was startled to hear a bowl of pretzels say, "Lady, you are beautiful!" She was questioning her own sanity when the bowl of peanuts said, "Lady, you not just beautiful, you are gorgeous!" As the bartender returned with her drink, she told him, "Your bowl of pretzels said I'm beautiful. And your peanuts said I'm gorgeous." And the bartender replied, "But, of course. They're complimentary." 1 0 1 25 35 I knew this guy (who shall remain nameless) back in Little Rock who called his wife one evening and said, "Honey, I've been invited to spend a week fishing with some of my best customers, but they're leaving right away. Could you pack my clothes, my fishing gear, oh, and don't forget my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in a few minutes to pick them up." A hour later, he flew in the house, grabbed his stuff and raced off. A week later, he returned. His wife asked, "Have a good week, dear?" "Oh yes, honey. It was great! But you didn't pack my blue silk pajamas." His wife smiles and says, "Oh yes I did. They're in your tackle box!" 1 0 3 1 35 When I was in grade school, my teacher played a game. She said, "I'm holding something behind my back that's long and hard and has a pink tip." I quickly raised my hand. "Is it a pencil, teacher?" "No, lil' Billy," she said, "but I like the way you're thinking." So I put my hand in my pants and said, "Teacher, I'm holding something in my pocket that's round and hard and has a head on it." She cried, "That's it! You're going straight to the principal's office, Billy!" "Wow," I said, "it's only a quarter, but I like the way YOU'RE thinking!" 1 0 3 2 35 When I was young I wanted to become a priest until I found out what "none" meant! 1 0 3 3 35 Why do men have belly buttons? So co-eds have a place to park their gum on the way down. 1 0 3 4 35 What did the doctor say to the man who was nervous about being circumcised? Well, it won't be long now. 1 0 3 5 35 The room service waiter delivering breakfast was greeted by a beautiful young woman in a see-through nightie. As soon as he closed the door, she pounced on him, ripped off his clothes, and screwed his brains out. Afterwards, when they were dressed, she said, " Oh, here. I almost forgot," as she handed him a dollar. "What's this for?" he asks. "Oh, this morning when I asked my husband `what should I tip the waiter?' he said, "Screw him. Give him a dollar!" 1 0 3 6 35 When we were both in college, Al Gore and I went to Fort Lauderdale for spring break. But when I finally found Al, he was very very sad. "Man, I'm just not gettin' any. What am I doing wrong?" So I told him, "Put a potato in your pants. It gets them every time." The next day, I saw him again. "Having any luck, Al?" "No," he says. "In fact, I'm doing even worse!" So I said, "Al, try putting the potato in the front!" 1 0 3 7 35 The young lady was obviously displeased with her new lover's performance. "You must be the world's worst lay," she scolded. "I think not," he replied. "That would be too great a coincidence!" 1 0 3 9 35 A young lady answered a personal ad in the paper and arranged a date with a nice-sounding man. At the appointed hour, the doorbell rang. But when she opened the door, she got a surprise: the nice-looking fellow standing there had no arms or legs! "I'm the guy from the ad in the paper." "Yes, but, but," she protested. "Oh, you've probably noticed my physical challenges. But look at it this way. Since I have no arms, I can't hit you. Since I have no legs, I can't run around on you." She considered all this. "Well, perhaps. And you are quite attractive. But. can you satisfy my needs?" she said. "I reached the door bell, didn't I!" 1 0 3 10 35 An attractive young mother was having the "birds and bees" lecture with her little girl. "To make a baby, the daddy puts his sperm in the mommy's tummy." "I don't understand," the little girl said. "If the daddy puts his sperm in the mommy's tummy, does that mean the mommy has to swallow the daddy's sperm?" "Well, only if the mommy wants jewelry." 1 0 3 11 35 What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a dollar a bag but deer nuts are under a buck. 1 0 3 12 35 Once a penguin was driving his Cadillac through Arkansas. Cruising through this small town, his car began to knock. So, the penguin pulls his Cadillac into the local garage. The mechanic says, "it'll be a couple of hours before I can check it out." And the penguin replies, "I'll head across the street and check out that grocery store." He immediately heads into the frozen foods section, where he spends the next two hours munching on fish sticks and ice cream bars. After a couple of hours, the penguin heads back to the garage. The mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." To which the penguin blushes and replies, "Oh, no! That's just vanilla ice cream." 1 0 3 13 35 Why don't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny. 1 0 3 14 35 Know how a French woman holds her liquor? By the ears. 1 0 3 15 35 What's the difference between Hillary with PMS and a pit bull? High-heels and lipstick. 1 0 3 16 35 A male and female whale are swimming off the coast of Japan when they passed under the very whaling ship that killed the male's father five years before. Excited at the chance to exact revenge for his father's death, the male says, "Let's swim right underneath the ship and expel air through our blow holes until we capsize their boat. That ought to make them think twice about killing innocent whales!" The female whale agrees and together they manage to sink the whaler. But their celebration is short-lived when they notice most of the sailors are swimming to shore. "Let's gobble them up!" cries the male. "No way," says the female: "I agreed to the blow job, but there's NO WAY I'm swallowing seamen!" 1 0 3 17 35 I had a buddy back in Arkansas who divorced his new wife when he found out she was a virgin! I asked him, "Why'd you do that, Virgil?" And he replied, "Hell, if she ain't good enough for her family, she ain't good enough for me!" 1 0 3 18 35 The florist delivered a dozen roses to Kate's office. "Damn," she said to her friend, "Now I'll have to spend the entire week-end with my legs up in the air!" Her friend replied, "What's the matter, honey? Ain' cha got a vase?" 1 0 3 19 35 I have such a good memory that I can remember events that occurred before I was born. In fact, I distinctly remember going to the drive-in with my father and returning home with my mother. 1 0 3 20 35 Did you hear they hired a doorman down at the sperm bank? His job is to tell each guy, "Thanks for coming!" 1 0 3 21 35 Do you know the difference between light and hard? Personally, I can sleep with a light on. 1 0 3 23 35 Here's a hypothetical for you: if you came across Newt Gingrich drowning in the middle of a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer Prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use? 1 0 3 24 35 One night last week, I needed some inspiration, so I decided to take long walk. Passing the Washington Monument, I prayed to the spirit of President Washington, "George, you were our country's first great leader. Everyone trusted you. How can I gain the people's trust?" And I swear I heard the voice of President Washington say, "Never tell a lie." I thought this over as I walked on. Passing the Jefferson Memorial, I prayed to the spirit of Thomas Jefferson, "Tom, you established the basis for our entire legal system. You were a very popular President. How can I improve my popularity?" And I swear I heard the voice of President Jefferson say, "Never raise taxes." I winced a little but I kept on walking. Passing the Lincoln Memorial, I was getting desperate, so I prayed to the spirit of President Lincoln, "Abe, you were a man of great integrity. You abolished slavery, and in so doing, helped free all Americans from an uncivilized institution. Abe, how can I set our people free today?" And you know what that danged Lincoln said? "Go see a play." 1 0 3 25 35 What does George Bush have in common with Gennifer Flowers? They were both upset when I finished first! 1 0 4 1 35 Hillary bounced into the Oval Office today. "Why are you so happy?" I asked her. "Oh, I just came back from Bethesda Naval Hospital and my annual physical," she replied. "The doctor said I had the breasts of a 25-year-old!" I asked her, "What did he say about your 50-year-old ass?" "Oh, your name didn't come up!" 1 0 4 2 35 Chelsea, my lovely daughter, was out walking with a couple of her girl friends when they spotted Newt Gingrich about to be run over by a car! They quickly pulled him out of the way onto the curb. "You saved my life, ladies," said Newt. "As Speaker of the House, I'm a very powerful man here in Washington. What could I do to repay you?" The first girl says, "I want to go to Georgetown." Newt replies, "I'll take care of it for you." The second girl says, "I want to go to West Point." Newt says, "No problem. I'll take care of it for you." He turned to Chelsea. "And what can I do for you, Chelsea Clinton?" She says, "I want to be buried in Arlington National Cemetery." Newt says, "That's an odd request for such a young woman!" "Maybe so, but when my Daddy finds out I saved your life, he's gonna kill me!" 1 0 4 3 35 One night, in the middle of nowhere, a traveling salesman's car breaks down, right by a farmer's house. The salesman knocks on the farmer's door, the farmer answers and says, "Sure you can spend the night here, but you have to sleep with my 19-year-old son. But only if you promise not to..." "Wait. Never mind," interrupts the salesman as he starts back to his car, "I'm in the wrong joke." 1 0 4 5 35 Newt Gingrich and I were discussing family values. Newt said, "I never slept with my wife before we were married. Did you?" And I replied, "I don't know, Newt. What was her maiden name?" 1 0 4 6 35 What do a hurricane and a marriage gone bad have in common? They both start off with a lot of sucking and blowing, but in the end, somebody loses a house. 1 0 4 7 35 Did you hear about the scientists that discovered the million year old bacteria inside that meteorite from Mars? It's great to know that SOMEwhere there's a life form older than Bob Dole. 1 0 4 8 35 Some of the women in Arkansas are so fast, I had to put a governor on them. 1 0 4 9 35 Two nuns were bicycling down a cobblestone street when the first one said, "Sister Catherine, I don't believe we've ever come this way before." And Sister Catherine replied, "Must be these cobblestones!" 1 0 4 10 35 Well, it seems a woman walked into the pro shop at a country club with tears streaming down her face. The Golf Pro said, "Oh, my God! Lady, what happened?!" She replied, "I got stung by a bee!" The Golf Pro said, "I'm so sorry. Where did it happen?" She replied, "Between the first and second holes!" To which the Golf Pro answered, "Oh, that's your problem! Your stance is too wide." 1 0 4 11 35 You know, I've been in love with the same woman for over 20 years; and if Hillary ever finds out, she'll kill me! 1 0 4 12 35 You know the worst three words you can hear while making love? "Honey, I'm home!" 1 0 4 13 35 You know the difference between a liberal and a puppy? The puppy stops whining once it grows up. 1 0 4 14 35 Why was Ross Perot's wife glad he didn't get elected? Cause if he won, she'd have had to move to a smaller house in a bad neighborhood. 1 0 4 15 35 You know why Arkansas only holds driver's training classes three days a week? The other two days they use the cars for sex education. 1 0 4 16 35 You know Paula Jones' favorite game? Swallow the leader. 1 0 4 17 35 You know why we didn't stage a White House Christmas pageant last year? Couldn't find three wise men OR a virgin! 1 0 4 18 35 Hillary and I were at the opening game of baseball season. A Secret Service agent whispered something in my ear. I looked at him funny, but figured, "well, okay; he works for the Secret Service." So I grabbed Hillary by her belt and the scruff of her neck, and tossed her over the seats and out onto the playing field. The Secret Service agent looked shocked and whispered to me again. I looked at him sheepishly and said, "Oh. first PITCH!" 1 0 4 19 35 Other than me, you know the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas? Interstate 55. 1 0 4 20 35 The Senate held a spelling bee and the finalists were Dan Quayle, Ted Kennedy, and Bob Packwood. You know who won? Dan Quayle. Yep, he was the only one who knew that "harass" was one word. 1 0 4 21 35 What's the difference between a porcupine and a limosine filled with lawyers? On the porcupine, all the pricks are on the outside! 1 0 4 22 35 Rush Limbaugh and Janet Reno found themselves alone on an elevator. Janet grabbed the STOP button and pulled it out, stranding the pair between floors. She stripped off her clothes, threw them on the floor, and ordered, "Rush, make me feel like a real woman!" So Rush took off HIS clothes, threw them on the floor, and ordered, "Iron and fold these!" 1 0 4 23 35 You know why Al Gore abolished coffee breaks for civil servants? Took too long to retrain them! 1 0 4 25 35 The Secret Service got a real scare the other day when somebody threw a can of beer at me. Fortunately, it was a draft, so I dodged it! 1 0 5 1 35 I'd like to state categorically that there's absolutely no truth at all to the vicious rumor going around that at my inauguration I had the Marine Band play "Inhale To The Chief!" 1 0 5 2 35 Didja hear about the blind prostitute? Ya gotta hand it to her! 1 0 5 3 35 You know how Las Vegas is different from Washington, D.C.? In Vegas, the drunks gamble with their own money! 1 0 5 4 35 A man walks into a doctor's office. (DEEP VOICE) "Doc. Ya gotta help me. Do something about my voice." (NORMAL) "Why, certainly, sir. Take off all your clothes and hop up here on the examination table... (BEAT) Whoa! Never mind. I can see exactly what your problem is. You suffer from Penile Elongation." (DEEP VOICE) "Is it serious?" (NORMAL) Oh, it's a simple operation. We'll just shorten you a foot or so. You'll still have plenty left to live a full, rewarding life." And so he did. About three months later the same guy returned. "Doc, remember that operation you did? I kinda miss... uh, the way I used to be. How about sewing part of that back on?" To which the doctor replied, (DEEP VOICE) "No way. A deal's a deal!" 1 0 5 5 35 What's the difference between a tribe of wily pigmies and a girls' track team? Well, one's a bunch of cunning runts.... 1 0 5 6 35 These two explorers were on safari out in the jungle and they got captured by a tribe of natives, who dragged them back to their village and tied them up to a stake. The chief of the tribe came up to one of them, looked him in the eye, face to face and said, "I give you a choice: death or Ki-ki." The explorer looked around and said, "I'll take Ki-ki." And the chief said, "Okay. Ki-ki." They untied him and threw him down on the ground. All the men in the tribe had sex with him, and they beat him to a bloody mess with spiked clubs. The chief went up to the other explorer, looked him in the eye and said, "I give you a choice: death or Ki-ki." And the other fellow said, "Well, are you kidding? I'll take death!" And the chief replied, "Okay. Death! ...But first: Ki-ki!" 1 0 5 7 35 Two brothers worked on a farm. Driving home from the big city, their truck broke down. They went to the nearby farmhouse and knocked on the front door. The farmer said, "What can I do for you?" The brothers said, "Our truck broke down and it's too dark to try to fix it. We were wondering if you had a place where we could spend the night." The farmer said, "The only room I have is my daughter's bedroom. I suppose you could sleep on the floor. But no hanky-panky or monkey business in there!" The two brothers agreed. "We're gentlemen. We just want to sleep. We'll be out of here when the sun rises." So, they're in the daughter's bedroom trying to go to sleep, when the daughter, who was in the full flower of her girlhood, taps one of the brothers on the shoulder and says, "Hey! Would you like to `roll in the sack' with me?" The brother says, "Yeah, well, sure. Why not?" The daughter says, "Now, you wouldn't want to catch anything, and I wouldn't want to get pregnant, so I want you to wear this." She hands him a condom. He puts it on, jumps in the sack, and has a "roll in the hay" with the lovely daughter. When they're finished, the daughter taps the other brother on the shoulder and says, "Your turn, good looking. But you don't want to catch anything, and I don't want to get pregnant, so wear this." She hands him a condom, he puts it on, jumps in the sack, they "roll in the hay," he gets back down on the floor and goes to sleep. Early the next morning, they fix their truck and they're on their way. A couple weeks later, the one brother says, "Hey! You remember that farmer's daughter a couple weeks ago?" The other one says, "Boy, do I!" And the other one says, "Do you really care if she gets pregnant or not?" And the other one says, "Well, no, not really." "Well, then. Let's take these damn things off!" 1 1 0 1 99 He looks amazing life-like, if you can convince yourself latex and stainless steel are life-like. 1 68 0 1 98 Willy 1 4 0 1 99 You're trying to talk to a robot?

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0 0 2 1 11 Come on in, Honey. 0 0 2 2 10 Oh, Mama! Not agin! 0 0 2 3 1 (3-SECOND SHRIEK!) Yee-haw! 10 1 0 1 99 The Juggs don't need bales of hay in their dressing room, it's just been a provision of Nailmi's contract ever since she had that Shetland pony in the act, way back in '74. 10 1 0 2 1 Hey. I've HEARD of that! (BEAT) But I always thought the guys were kiddin' me. 10 68 0 1 98 Hay Bales 9 1 0 1 99 This barrel is filled with fire water. 9 1 0 2 1 (INJUN STYLE) Ugh. Me likkum fire water! 9 1 0 3 99 No, Larry: real water -- in case a hairdo bursts into flames! 9 68 0 1 98 Barrel 2 1 0 1 99 The Juggs have many styles of shoes, all of them boots. 2 68 0 1 98 Boots 16 1 0 1 99 This button is unmarked. You'd better not push it. You have no idea what would happen. 16 68 0 1 98 Button 16 160 0 1 99 What a surprise. You pushed an unmarked button. You hope nothing bad happens. 16 160 0 2 1 Whew. Got away with another one! 4 1 0 1 99 Obviously the Juggs have more clothes than YOU've seen them wear. 4 68 0 1 98 Clothes Rack 13 1 0 1 99 The Juggs left a can of spray deodorant on their dressing table. 13 1 4 1 99 The counter has a large gaping hole where someone removed the Juggs' can of deodorant. 13 68 0 1 98 Spray Deodorant 13 68 4 1 98 Empty Counter 13 31 0 1 99 Sneaky idea. The Juggs will never notice. The two cans look almost identical! 13 31 4 1 99 The silicone lubricant looks exactly like the can of deodorant you took earlier! They'll never know the difference. 13 232 0 1 99 That's a good idea. You could swap things by using one on the other. But what? 13 8 0 1 99 You could take the deodorant, but shouldn't you leave something in its place so they don't notice? 13 8 4 1 99 There's nothing left to take. You already have their deodorant. 5 1 0 1 1 This gun rack is a perfect opportunity for me to tell you Al Lowe's favorite sell line for this game: "It's even more like Myst than Doom." Yeah. Pretty good, huh? 5 1 0 2 99 Yes. Marketing thought it sucked, too! 5 68 0 1 98 Gun Rack 5 8 0 1 1 (EVIL MANIACAL VICIOUS) I've had it! I can't take any more! I'm goin' postal!! 5 8 0 2 99 Wow. Acting, I presume! 1 1 0 1 99 Now THAT's a can of hairspray! 1 68 0 1 98 Hairspray 1 3 0 1 1 Wouldn't that be a fire hazard? 7 1 0 1 99 Can't you just picture the Juggs, their heads hovering above that hair trough? 7 68 0 1 98 Hair Trough 7 77 0 1 99 Okay. 7 77 0 2 1 Ahhh. Hey! Where's the flusher?! 12 1 0 1 99 Each of their songs is on a separate disc. One disc is titled: 12 1 3 1 99 "Big Hair An' Tangled Limbs" 12 1 3 2 99 "Just A Cheap Pickup In A Cheap Pickup" 12 1 3 3 99 "Thinking With My Panties Again" 12 1 3 4 99 "You Got Into My Bra (But Not Into My Heart)" 12 1 3 5 99 "Get Along, Long John" 12 1 3 6 99 "White Trash Or No Trash" 12 1 3 7 99 "I've Got Panties `Round My Ankles (And Pain Around My Heart)" 12 1 3 8 99 "Felt Up And Feelin' Blue" 12 1 3 9 99 "Hair Spray Cain't Hold My Love For You" 12 1 3 10 99 "Even Your Old Dog Blew" 12 1 3 11 99 "Support Hose and Child Support" 12 1 3 12 99 "(Stop Yore Talkin' And) Put That Tongue Where It'll Do Some Good" 12 1 3 13 99 "Glove Compartment Panties" 12 1 3 14 99 "It Takes More Than Cognitive Reasoning" 12 1 3 15 99 "Thinking Ain't Your Strong Suit" 12 1 3 16 99 "He's Got His Daddy's Eyes (And His Other Daddy's Smile)" 12 68 0 1 98 Karaoke Laserdiscs 12 79 0 1 98 The Juggs' Greatest Hits 12 79 0 2 1 You know, I haven't listened to country that much lately. That's not so bad. 14 1 0 1 99 This is the silicone lubricant that you cleverly substituted for the Juggs' deodorant. You sly devil. 14 68 0 1 98 "Deodorant" 14 8 0 1 99 After all the trouble you went through to put this here, now you want to take it? 14 8 0 2 1 Yeah. I guess that wasn't so bright, eh? 6 1 0 1 99 That's not a mirror, just a shadowy reflection of one. 6 68 0 1 98 Mirror 8 1 0 1 99 Tread On Me! 8 68 0 1 98 Rug 3 1 0 1 99 The Juggs have a karaoke stereo system with a collection of all their hit records' backup tracks. They use it for practice, as well as for some of these small-time gigs. That way, they needn't be bothered with hiring live musicians. 3 1 0 2 1 Boy, does THAT suck! 3 68 0 1 98 Karaoke System

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0 0 1 1 18 Hey, loser! You want this drink you ordered? 0 0 1 2 18 I'll charge it to your room. 0 0 1 3 1 Thanks. Hey, my banana's all soft and flaccid... with little brown spots! 0 0 1 4 18 Sorry, bud. I only do drinks! 1 1 0 1 99 They're fake. Just like the drinks. 1 68 0 1 98 Cannon 2 161 0 1 18 Nah. I don' need anything from you. Your credit's good here. 2 237 0 1 1 Give me, uh... 2 237 0 2 18 Oh, just point to the menu. 2 237 0 3 1 ...one of THOSE. 2 237 0 4 18 No problem. Comin' right up! 2 237 0 5 18 Here ya go. 2 237 0 6 1 (DOWNING DRINK IN ONE BIG CHUG) Gulp, gulp, gulp. 2 237 0 7 5 Boy, are these drinks watered down! 2 46 0 1 18 I love to settle down in front of the TV with a big wheel of Venezuelan Beaver Cheese and a box of Wheat Thins. So where'd you get this? 2 46 0 2 1 Oh, I knocked it out myself. 2 46 0 3 18 Really. Well, I'd like to share it with you, but I got no TV and no Wheat Thins. Better go it alone. 2 43 0 1 18 I used to make a drink with this, but the Center for Shipboard Disease Control made me stop. 2 28 0 1 18 Oh, I don't need that. I got me a removable knothole back there in the wall to the Juggs' dressing room! 2 200 0 1 1 How about a bourbon and soda? On the rocks. With a twist. And an umbrella. And some fruit. And maybe a bendy straw, if you got 'em. 2 200 0 2 18 You 'bout done? 2 200 0 3 1 Uh...yeah. 2 200 0 4 18 (1 SECOND FLASH OF MOTION) Here. We ain't got no bendy straws, so I gave you a "Cap'n Happy's Barrel O' Fun" straw. 2 200 0 5 1 I guess it'll have to do. What do I owe you? 2 200 0 6 18 Nuttin. I'll put it on yur room. Gotta keycard? 2 200 0 7 1 Right here. 2 200 0 8 18 Okay. Now drink it! 2 52 0 1 18 Nah, I already got me a lime-cuttin' knife right here. 2 34 0 1 18 Damn, them lights look familiar. 2 32 0 1 18 Hey, that's the same brand the Juggs use. I know... 'cause BBQ's my favorite! 2 236 0 1 1 Oh, Johnson! I want a "Gigantic Erection!" 2 236 0 2 18 Talk to the Captain, not me! 2 236 0 3 1 No, I mean a drink. A cocktail. 2 236 0 4 18 Oh. Well, that'll take a while. Are you sure? 2 236 0 5 1 Oh, I'll wait. No problem. 2 236 0 6 18 Here ya go. I'll just charge it to your room. That your keycard? Okay. 2 236 0 7 1 Thanks. 2 236 0 8 5 Doesn't seem to work! 2 86 0 1 1 See ya later, Johnson. 2 86 0 2 18 Yeah. Whatever. 2 33 0 1 18 Don't that belong down in the restaurant? I hear them suckers is mighty powerful, if'n you use 'em with the right lens and reflector. 2 70 0 1 18 Waddayou think I am, an encyclopedia salesman? I don't know nuttin' 'bout that! 2 70 0 2 18 I dunno. 2 70 0 3 18 Nope. Don't ever ask me 'bout that no more! 2 70 0 4 18 What? No. Don't know. Ask someone else. No, don't. 2 70 0 5 18 Okay, you stumped me! 2 100 0 1 1 Howdy, barkeep. Whadaya got? 2 100 0 2 18 My name's Johnson. And anything you want, we got. Whadaya want? 2 101 0 1 1 If it isn't my old friend, the mixologist. 2 101 0 2 18 Yeah, right. You wanna drink or doncha? 2 101 8 1 1 Hey, Johnson. It's me, Larry. 2 101 8 2 18 Hey, man. Nice threads! 2 101 10 1 1 Hey, uh, Johnson. How's it hangin', Johnson? It's me, Larry. 2 101 10 2 18 Hey, fella. What's your name again? 2 101 10 3 1 Oh, well, you can call me Lar, or you can call me Larry, or you can call me Larry (heh-heh) Larry Laffer, or you can call me Laffer. But don't call me schmuck! 2 51 0 1 18 Don't go puttin' that on no slot machines 'round here, boy. Crap like that'll getchur ass thrown in the brig, ya hear? 2 17 0 1 18 Yeah. I already got your number. Zero. Like in "big zero!" 2 47 0 1 18 I ain't fixin' no drinks with no fruit what's starts with "kum!" 2 54 0 1 18 I don't use no sissy stuff like that! What kinda feller you think I am? 2 18 0 1 18 You comin' on to me, boy? I ain't that way. And I don't want to see you naked. And you don't forget it! 2 45 0 1 18 You ain't gotta rub it in. I know ya tricked me. Now just take your damn lime juice and get the hell outta here. 2 145 0 1 1 (JACK NICHOLSON'S FIVE EASY PIECES BIT; START AS LARRY) Excuse me, Johnson. I want a glass of lime juice. 2 145 0 2 18 No. 2 145 0 3 1 Why not? 2 145 0 4 18 We don't serve JUST lime juice. 2 145 0 5 1 And... why not? 2 145 0 6 18 'Cause it ain't on the menu. 2 145 0 7 1 (AS JACK) Oh, it ain't, ain't it? 2 145 0 8 18 Nope. And if it ain't on the menu, I ain't servin' it! 2 145 0 9 1 (TIGHTER) Well, then, how about you make me a Lime Rickey, Johnson? Is that on your menu? 2 145 0 10 18 Yeah. Okay. One lime rickey, coming up. 2 145 0 11 1 (TOUGHER STILL) But leave out the gin, okay? 2 145 0 12 18 Okay. Virgin. 2 145 0 13 1 (MEAN) And leave out the soda water, okay? 2 145 0 14 18 (HESITANTLY) Okay. 2 145 0 15 1 (MEANER) And leave out the sugar, okay? 2 145 0 16 18 (DAWNING) Okay. 2 145 0 17 1 (THROUGH CLENCHED TEETH) And leave out the friggin' ice, okay? 2 145 0 18 18 (REALIZING YOU'VE BEEN BESTED) Why, you... 2 145 0 19 1 (TRIUMPHANT! AS LARRY) And make it snappy! 2 145 0 20 18 Here! Pucker up! 2 1 0 1 99 Johnson the bartender fits the old cliche: "Surly to bed, surly to rise." 2 56 0 1 18 That's really disgusting. Thanks for sharing. 2 23 0 1 18 You ain't supposed to have that! Give me that! 2 23 0 2 1 No way. I just "borrowed" it. 2 23 0 3 18 Oh, well then. If you only borrowed it.... 2 72 0 1 18 Thanks, but unlike the carnivorous hooker, I don't keep tips! 2 68 0 1 98 Johnson 2 49 0 1 18 Larry, you're lookin' at the original orgasmic POWER standin' right before you! 2 49 0 2 1 That label says "powder." 2 49 0 3 18 Oh. (BEAT) That too. 2 21 0 1 18 Nice likeness. 2 53 0 1 18 My stage don't need no new curtains. 2 48 0 1 18 No, thanks. I can't eat on the job. 2 74 0 1 18 2 35 0 1 18 I recognize that! That's the little gizmo what the sound man uses to make the Juggs' costumes light up. It's pretty powerful. Sometimes he'd just pipe the show's audio to his room, lie in bed, and use that little sucker from there. 2 42 0 1 18 Want me to put a little around your rim? 2 16 0 1 18 You're not even close, are you? 2 37 0 1 18 Nah, I keep a roll right here under the counter. Case I have ta blow ma nose during working hours. 2 199 0 1 1 You must get a lot of guys in here, telling you their troubles, don't you? Is it hard, Johnson? 2 199 0 2 18 Yeah. Makes me sick! I us'lly punch their lights out! Why? 2 199 0 3 1 Oh...no reason. 2 198 0 1 1 I bet you see a lot of beautiful women working here, eh, Johnson? 2 198 0 2 18 Yeah, so what? 2 198 0 3 1 I'm just making conversation. 2 198 0 4 18 And I'm just making drinks. Why doncha stop yappin' 'n' order one? 3 0 2 1 5 Now I can sneak right in! 3 0 3 1 18 Hey! Hold it! What do you think you're doing? You can't go in there. That's private. Why, them women could be naked in there! Their breasts a'swingin' back and forth. And the nipple thing... They could be hanging upside down again! You jest don't know! 3 0 3 2 1 Oh, sorry. I was just looking for the head. 3 0 3 3 18 Don't you talk that "nautical" talk to me, bub. I'm just a plain ol' country boy! 8 1 0 1 98 (GO TO CU) 8 1 12 1 99 A large spotlight mounted on a movable platform is high up this mast. 8 68 0 1 98 Lighting Truss 4 1 0 1 99 No, you can't log on! 4 68 0 1 98 Net 5 33 0 1 99 Don't you think you should remove the old bulb first? 5 33 6 1 99 That's a sneaky idea. The bulb fits. It's the right voltage. But won't it make the stage uncomfortably warm? 5 1 0 1 99 This is the follow spot used for stage shows. 5 1 4 1 99 You'd better be sure you're not on stage when this baby fires up! 5 1 6 1 99 How many Sierra software engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb? 5 1 6 2 1 Oh, I've heard this one. Two, right? But how could they fit inside? 5 1 6 3 99 Nope. None. It's a hardware problem. 5 68 0 1 98 Spotlight 5 68 6 1 98 Empty Socket 5 10 6 1 1 Hey. I'm not sticking Little Larry in THERE! 5 8 0 1 1 (SLOWLY, STRULLING) Lemme... just... ease this... 5 8 0 2 1 (SOUND OF SMASHING GLASS; THEN SOFTLY) Whoops. 5 8 4 1 99 Stop fussing! It's fine. 5 8 6 1 99 Take what, exactly? It's an empty socket! 6 1 0 1 99 The rear gallery is reserved for "Standing Room Only" crowds. To date, it is unused. 6 68 0 1 98 Gallery 9 1 0 1 99 This ladder leads to the back gallery of the Lounge. 9 68 0 1 98 Ladder 7 1 0 1 99 Now that's carrying a theme a little too far, don't you think? 7 68 0 1 98 Barrels & Chests 7 94 0 1 99 Only you would think to sit down to watch a non-existent stage show!

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0 0 1 1 21 (MUFFLED) Horseshoes may not be removed from the horseshoe area. 0 0 2 1 21 (MUFFLED) Do not exit the horseshoe area without removing your scorecard from the horse's ass (UNDER BREATH) you horse's ass. 7 1 0 1 99 This bush cleverly conceals the massive air conditioner the PMS Bouncy uses to cool these open decks. 7 68 0 1 98 Bush 7 8 0 1 99 You've always thought a bush in the hand is worth... wait a minute. 5 17 0 1 99 Your keycard is used to unlock your cabin, but it does nothing here. 5 1 0 1 99 Insert your "Thygh's Man Trophy" scorecard into this slot whenever you're ready to compete. 5 68 0 1 98 Card Slot 5 16 0 1 1 Yuck. 5 8 6 1 1 (SHOVING YOUR ARM UP THE HORSE'S ASS) Yuck! I hope that's my card. 4 1 0 1 99 This fiberglass centaur hides the "Thygh's Man Trophy" cardreader. Simply insert your scorecard in his slot to begin. The system verifies your eligibility with the ship's central competition computer, then automatically scores and tabulates your efforts. 4 1 0 2 1 Pretty doggone impressive. 4 1 0 3 99 Especially considering it's still running on a Commodore 64! 4 68 0 1 98 Centaur 2 1 0 1 99 Be careful not to walk there when someone is throwing horseshoes. 2 68 0 1 98 Horseshoe Court 2 79 5 1 98 (JUST LIKE USE HORSESHOE) 2 79 7 1 99 First, insert your "Thygh's Man Trophy" scorecard in the cardreader. 1 36 0 1 98 cut to 251. We see L toss it, miss, hear it splash when it goes overboard, then return back to pic 250 1 36 0 2 21 (THESE NEXT FEW ARE ALL FROM INSIDE THE PLASTIC HORSE; MUFFLED) That was mediocre. 1 36 0 3 21 (MUFFLED) That wasn't very good. 1 36 0 4 21 (MUFFLED) That sucked. 1 36 0 5 21 (MUFFLED) That was typical. 1 36 0 6 21 (MUFFLED) Why not just quit. You suck. 1 36 0 7 21 (MUFFLED) Another unlucky loser! 1 36 4 1 21 (MUFFLED) Congratulations! Another ringer! 1 1 0 1 99 (THE WORD MEANS "FAKE MAHOGONY") That's the target for anyone playing horseshoes here. But isn't it strange? It looks like someone drove the steel stake right through the ship's expensive pseudo-mahoganite deck. 1 68 0 1 98 Horseshoe Stake 1 79 5 1 98 ( handle exactly like USE Horseshoe ) 3 1 0 1 99 On a clear day, you can see down into the lobby from here. 3 68 0 1 98 Lobby

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2 1 0 1 99 Pretty clever of the ship's designers: disguising the engines' air intakes as a giant Champagne bucket, complete with bottle. 2 68 0 1 98 Air Intakes 7 1 0 1 99 You'd do anything to hear another bush joke, wouldn't you? 7 68 0 1 98 Bush 5 1 0 1 99 Once champagne imported all the way from the San Joaquin Valley trickled its way up, over and down enough glasses to sink a Lexus. Now, budget cutbacks demand barely enough water to fill the spa. 5 68 0 1 98 Glass Waterfall 6 1 0 1 98 (GO DIRECTLY TO TALK CU) 6 68 0 1 98 Bathing Women 6 68 3 1 98 The Juggs 6 4 0 1 98 (GO DIRECTLY TO TALK CU) 3 1 0 1 99 (SLOW DOWN AS YOU REALIZE) Pretty clever of the ship's designers: disguising the engines' exhaust pipes to look like a monster truck's... exhaust... pipes. Well. Not TOO clever. 3 68 0 1 98 Exhaust Pipes 4 1 0 1 99 You quietly contemplate drinking that entire tub of water... but decide against it. 4 1 2 1 99 That's where the Juggs used to soak themselves. Think of the stories those jets could tell. 4 68 0 1 98 Spa

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11 1 0 1 99 Lucky bubbles! 11 68 0 1 98 Bubbles 11 117 0 1 99 Man, are you horny! You can't turn off those bubbles. Those women might be naked from the waist down! 11 62 0 1 99 Yeah, this IS a turn on, isn't it? 12 67 0 1 99 You would love a drink, but those glasses are bone dry. 12 67 0 2 5 How about their bath water then? 12 67 0 3 99 (Disgusted moan.) 12 1 0 1 99 Aboard the PMS Bouncy, the Champagne flows like water. But not in these glasses! 12 68 0 1 98 Empty Glasses 7 161 0 1 11 Oh, we don't want that. Do we, Wydoncha? 7 161 0 2 10 Oh, we don't want that. Do we, Mama? 7 46 0 1 10 Mama has plenty of that downstairs in our dressing room. 7 46 0 2 11 Wydoncha honey, this man doesn't want to hear about our dirty laundry! 7 46 0 3 99 You hope that was a figure of speech! 7 43 0 1 11 Does that come in a can or a box? 7 43 0 2 99 No, Larry. Don't go there. 7 28 0 1 11 (PAST TENSE) Read it. 7 28 0 2 10 (PAST TENSE) Read it, hell! You're IN it! 7 26 0 1 10 Mama don' read much. 'Specially books like that! 7 209 0 1 1 Uh, I was wonderin', ya know, how, ah, did you get them so big? 7 209 0 2 10 They are sump'tin, ain' they? 7 209 0 3 11 Aw, now, Wydoncha. Modesty, hon' chil'. 7 209 0 4 1 Modesty? I don't see why! Those are the biggest, the best... 7 209 0 5 11 Now, Larry... lots of women in our work have 'em this big. In fact, some are even larger! 7 209 0 6 1 Is that possible? How do they stand up? 7 209 0 7 11 Why, hair spray, darlin'. 7 209 0 8 1 Wha? 7 209 0 9 10 Yeah. Mama & me is real proud of our boo-fants! 7 209 0 10 1 Yeah, yeah. Your hair IS great. 7 209 0 11 5 Too! 7 52 0 1 11 Don'chu threaten me, boy. I had an ol' man who used to pull that sh... (INTERRUPTED) 7 52 0 2 10 MAMA! He's locked up, safe and sound. Please, Larry. Put that away! 7 203 0 1 1 So... why are a couple of famous singers like you taking a cruise? 7 203 0 2 11 Well, to be honest, Larry, fame can be a curse as well as a blessin'. All that tourin' was justa wearin' us out. 7 203 0 3 10 Not to mention the fact we cain't show our faces in public again until the heat's off. 7 203 0 4 11 Wydoncha, hush yor mouth! 7 196 0 1 1 (OBVIOUSLY PHONY COME ON) Now let's see; I've forgotten. Which of you is the mother and which is the daughter? 7 196 0 2 11 Aw shucks, Larry! Ain' chu the little flatterer. I'm Wydoncha's mama, don'cha know. (BEAT) Of course, we are dang near the same age. (I had her on my first ovulation!) 7 196 0 3 10 Heck, yeah! I'm 19, and Mama's been 29 for at least five years. 7 196 0 4 11 Wydoncha, you are NOT funny. 7 32 0 1 10 Hey, that's OUR brand, too. 7 32 0 2 11 Ain't that stuff potent? I love it! 7 39 0 1 11 My fourth husband loved to play craps. Damn shame that's also HOW he played! 7 38 0 1 11 7 30 0 1 10 Wow! Whacha got in mind, honey? 7 86 0 1 1 It's been nice chatting with you. 7 86 0 2 11 Be sure you catch our show in the lounge tonight! 7 86 0 3 10 Ya'll come back now, hear! 7 197 0 1 1 I notice you both have really large, uh, ...hairstyles. 7 197 0 2 10 Yeah! You like 'em? 7 197 0 3 1 They're sure ...big. How do you get them that way? 7 197 0 4 11 Now, Larry, that's a lil' ol' show biz secret. 7 197 0 5 10 Yeah, but it ain't fer nothin' our tour is sponsored by Aqua Net. 7 197 0 6 11 Wydoncha, hush... 7 197 0 7 10 To get it really big, I like to hang upside down! 7 197 0 8 11 Wydoncha stop... 7 197 0 9 10 And to keep the hairspray from stickin' to your outfit ya jes about gotta be buck-nekkid! 7 197 0 10 11 That's about enough, Wydoncha. 7 197 0 11 1 That's actually TOO much, but thanks for sharing! 7 197 0 12 10 (THROW AWAY) Any time! 7 55 0 1 11 This is nice. But what do you expect me to do with it? 7 33 0 1 11 Hey, it's already hot enough here. 7 33 0 2 10 Yeah, this warm tropical sun is heat enough for me. 7 33 0 3 11 Good thing we soaking in this chilled Champagne. 7 195 0 1 1 What do you mean, "'til the heat's off?" 7 195 0 2 11 Oh, there was an unpleasant little incident about a month ago. We was doin' a benefit at a maximum security women's correctional facility. 7 195 0 3 10 We was tryin' to give our poor sisters a chance to forget their troubles. 7 195 0 4 11 It's always for the fans, don'cha know? 7 195 0 5 10 That, an' our manager said it'd be a cheap way to shoot our new cable special, "Caged Heat: Juggs Behind Bars." 7 195 0 6 11 Wydoncha, who's telling this story, anyway? Welp, it turns out that day we had a little trouble a'fittin' into our Spandex costumes. 7 195 0 7 10 See, Mama'd been hittin' them tour bus donuts agin! 7 195 0 8 11 Wydoncha, shush! Anyhow, you know the show must go on, so I jes' had one of our roadies spray us down with silly-cone lubricant. 7 195 0 9 10 An' we just slid right in! 7 195 0 10 5 Now there's an interesting image. 7 195 0 11 11 Well, we had no idea the hot stage lights'd trigger a chemical reaction between the Spandex and that silly-cone lubricant. 7 195 0 12 10 WHoooooooooeeeeeEE, that was SOMETHING. 7 195 0 13 11 It did cause a commotion. 7 195 0 14 10 (WISTFULLY) Oh, yeah. 7 195 0 15 1 So what happened? 7 195 0 16 10 It's all kinda jes' a blur now! 7 195 0 17 11 Let's just say that after that, everywhere we went we was accosted by tabloid photographers. 7 195 0 18 10 We was mobbed! 7 195 0 19 11 And once they aired that videotape on "A Nashville Affair," well, we jes' had ta lay low fer a while. 7 195 0 20 10 So here we are. Just'a soaking up some rays and kicking back. 7 157 0 1 1 I can't help but notice: you two seem to log a lot of hours in that hot tub. 7 157 0 2 11 Oh, yeah. Wydoncha and me just love these jacuzzis, don't we, hon'? 7 157 0 3 10 Oooh, yeah. And they're kinda necessary, doncha know? In our line of work, that is. 7 157 0 4 1 Necessary? 7 157 0 5 10 Well, yeah. You can't remove this much make-up without steamin' it fer a couple hours. 7 157 0 6 11 Wydoncha! 7 157 0 7 10 Once we stayed at this cheap hotel with Tammi Faye. Ya shoulda seen her! She went to their little coin op' sauna with a big bag of change and told the attendant, "Jes keep on feedin' them quarters 'til ya see mascara run out under the door!" 7 157 0 8 11 Wydoncha, hush! (GRITTING TEETH) I'm sure Mr. Laffer isn't interested in our grooming tips. 7 157 0 9 10 Yeah, yeah, yeah. (SIGH) 7 70 0 1 11 Aw, honey. I don't like to talk about that. 7 70 0 2 10 Mama. What's he tryin' to say? 7 70 0 3 11 You know, we've got a show to get ready for. We don't have time to talk about that. 7 70 0 4 10 I don't know what you're trying to say. But then, I'm not sure you do either! 7 70 0 5 11 Huh? 7 100 0 1 1 Hi ya, girls! My name's Larry; Larry Laffer. 7 100 0 2 11 "Laffer?" That's a funny lil' ol' name. 7 100 0 3 10 And I bet you're a funny lil' ol' fella, too! 7 100 0 4 1 Well, gee, I guess so. Say, don't I know you? 7 100 0 5 11 Oh, prob'ly. 7 100 0 6 1 Yeah. You're famous, aren't you? 7 100 0 7 10 We're the Juggs! 7 100 0 8 11 Ma name's Nailmi, and this here's my daughter, Wydoncha. 7 100 0 9 10 So, you ever heard our records, Larry? 7 101 0 1 1 Howdy! 7 101 0 2 10 Well, it's our lil' ol' Lafferin' friend. What can we do ya for? 7 17 0 1 11 God, this is just like bein' on the road. 7 17 0 2 10 Oh, Mama. I think he's kinda cute. 7 17 0 3 11 How long you been out in this sun, Wydoncha? You okay? 7 47 0 1 11 Looks kinda fruity. 7 47 0 2 10 I wish I had a dollar for every time you've told me that! 7 47 0 3 5 Hey! That's MY line. 7 54 0 1 10 That looks like fun. But do we have to use a roulette wheel? 7 18 0 1 10 Oh, I recognize that photographer. He works here on the ship. 7 73 0 1 10 See: Mama don' read much. 7 73 0 2 11 Yeah. 'specially magazines. Hate 'em. Ever since they turned on us. 7 73 0 3 10 Oh, Mama. You're so paranoid. 7 73 0 4 11 Paranoid, hell. I KNOW they're out to get us! 7 72 0 1 11 Oh, honey, put that away. We don't need your money. 7 72 0 2 10 Yeah. We're richer'n shit. 7 72 0 3 11 Wydoncha! Watchur mouth. 7 72 0 4 10 Sorry, Mama. We got a shitload o' money! 7 193 0 1 1 So, what kind of music do you sing? 7 193 0 2 11 Both kinds: country AND western! 7 193 0 3 10 ASS-kickin' country western! 7 193 0 4 11 Wydoncha, honey, we don't use that kinda language no more. 7 193 0 5 10 Sorry, Mama. BUTT-kickin. 7 193 0 6 11 Now, see? Was that so hard? (TO LARRY) You prob'ly know our big hit, "Big Hair and Tangled Limbs." 7 193 0 7 1 It doesn't ring a bell. 7 193 0 8 10 What about "I Got My Panties 'Round My Ankles (and Pain 'Round My Heart?)" Ya know that one, doncha? 7 193 0 9 1 It sure sounds like a Grammy winner. 7 193 0 10 11 Oh, hon, it is, it IS. When we finish that'un, there ain't a dry eye in the house! 7 193 0 11 10 So jes' what kinda music DO you listen to, anyway? 7 193 0 12 1 Disco (ka-chunk, ka-chunk). You know, some folks say it's coming back. 7 193 0 13 10 (TO SELF) I don't. 7 193 0 14 1 (ENTHUSIASTICALLY) But see, I say it never left! 7 193 0 15 11 You ARE a funny lil' feller! 7 68 0 1 98 The Juggs 7 49 0 1 11 I used to use that. But only for medicinal purposes, of course. 7 22 0 1 10 Ain' much of a picture, is it, Larry? 7 228 0 1 1 So was that article in Persons magazine accurate? 7 228 0 2 11 It mighta been accurate, but it shore weren't flatterin'. 7 228 0 3 10 Yeah, we took a lotta heat over that lil' incident. 7 21 0 1 11 Well, that proves it. 7 21 0 2 10 Yep. You must be Larry Laffer! 7 247 0 1 1 Hi! My name's Bill Gates! 7 247 0 2 10 Nah, couldn't be. You're too geeky! 7 247 0 3 99 Slam! Dunk!! Score!!! 7 53 0 1 10 I ain' much into synthetics. 7 53 0 2 11 (UNDER BREATH) Unless you count your figger. 7 53 0 3 10 Mama! You're a fine one to talk! Them ones o' yours is 'bout ready for their 50,000 bounce check-up, ain't they? 7 48 0 1 10 Oh, we're on that new high protein diet! 7 48 0 2 11 New? Hell, I 'member that from the 60's. (REALIZING THIS COULD REVEAL AGE) Well... I 'member people tellin' me 'bout it. 7 74 0 1 11 7 202 0 1 1 Do you have any recordings I could listen to? 7 202 0 2 11 Ya know, I'd love to give you an autographed copy of our latest CD, "This Jugg's Fer You," but we left for this cruise in such a hurry we only had time to grab a few lacy nothin's off'n the bus. 7 202 0 3 1 Oh, that's okay. I far prefer the superior fidelity of 8-track. 7 202 0 4 10 Say, you ARE a funny lil' feller! 7 16 0 1 10 I was thinkin' 'bout enterin' that contest. That Captain is dang near edible! 7 16 0 2 11 Wydoncha! Remember? We voted. And bisexuality lost! 7 85 0 1 1 Have you girls ever, uh, considered, well... how do I say this...? 7 85 0 2 10 You go on ahead, Lar. You ain' gonna shock us. 7 85 0 3 1 Well, have you ever thought about, uh, a threesome? 7 85 0 4 11 Oh, we've considered it. We thought it might spice things up a little, ya know? 7 85 0 5 1 Really? Wow! 7 85 0 6 10 Yeah, the road gets lonely with jes Mama and me. 7 85 0 7 1 Yeah, I'll bet! 7 85 0 8 11 But we finally decided another band member wouldn't really work out. 7 85 0 9 1 (SOFTLY) Doh! 7 194 0 1 1 You two must be performing here on the cruise. 7 194 0 2 11 We weren't gonna at first. 7 194 0 3 10 We're on vacation, don'cha know? 7 194 0 4 11 Yeah, we was jes' wantin' a break. 7 194 0 5 10 From the pressures of fame! 7 194 0 6 11 But our manager insists we keep our act tight, so we decided to do one special show. 7 194 0 7 10 For the fans, don'cha know? 7 194 0 8 11 God love 'em. 7 31 0 1 1 Did you mention silicon lubricant? 7 31 0 2 11 Whoa, boy! Git that away from me! 7 31 0 3 10 Mama still has nightmares over that stuff. 7 31 0 4 11 Never again. You combine that stuff with our costumes and Gawd only knows whad'll happen! 7 227 0 1 1 So why do you wear Spandex outfits if it caused you so much grief? 7 227 0 2 11 For the fans, doncha know? 7 227 0 3 10 Yeah, it's always fer the fans.... And because its mild corseting action keeps Mama outta them "full-figured" sizes! 7 227 0 4 11 Wydoncha that'll be enuf! 7 140 0 1 1 So, do you think the hot spotlights had anything to do with your little "problem," you know, at the prison show? 7 140 0 2 10 (NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE) Hey, that's a thought. 7 140 0 3 11 You know, that might have been. Stage lights can get awfully warm sometimes. 7 140 0 4 10 I guess there's just no way o' knowin'. 7 59 0 1 11 I don' play the market no more since my fourth husband "business managed" away all my investments on that "sure thing" in Manhattan real estate! 7 59 0 2 10 Oh. Was that "Uncle" Jeff? 7 59 0 3 11 No. "Uncle" Bernie, that bastard! Remember him? 7 59 0 4 10 Is he the one in Leavenworth now? 7 59 0 5 11 No, that's Uncle Ernie. 7 59 0 6 10 Well, then, no. I don' remember him. 7 37 0 1 11 You're really lost, aren't you, Larry?! 1 1 0 1 99 Nailmi Jugg is one of the great country singers. 1 1 0 2 5 Isn't that an oxymoron? 1 68 0 1 98 Nailmi Jugg 9 1 0 1 99 Now there's a body that's paid its dues in haystacks. 9 68 0 1 98 Nailmi's Body 3 1 0 1 99 The Juggs are every bit as natural as their hair. 3 68 0 1 98 Nailmi's Jugs 8 1 0 1 99 They look so much alike they could be mother and daughter! 8 68 0 1 98 Nailmi's Face 5 1 0 1 99 You pray that 'doo isn't flammable! 5 68 0 1 98 Nailmi's Hair 10 1 0 1 99 There's a pair of lips that have been wrapped around more than just a beer bottle! 10 68 0 1 98 Nailmi's Lips 2 1 0 1 99 Wydoncha Jugg is typical of the problem in country music today. Too much substance... not enough flash! 2 68 0 1 98 Wydoncha Jugg 4 1 0 1 99 This Jugg's for you! 4 68 0 1 98 Wydoncha's Jugs 14 1 0 1 99 14 68 0 1 98 Wydoncha's Face 6 1 0 1 99 Better coiffures through chemistry! 6 68 0 1 98 Wydoncha's Hair

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1 64 0 1 99 You don't need to break it open; it's not locked. But be careful -- it may be alarmed. 1 229 2 1 99 You're so polite. 1 1 0 1 99 A small sign reads, "Open only in the case of fire. CAUTION: alarm will sound!" 1 68 0 1 98 Fire Hose Cabinet 1 61 1 1 99 No alarm sounds. 1 61 1 2 1 Makes me wonder about all those times I didn't sneak into movie theaters! 1 50 0 1 99 You could remove the screws holding the hinges in place, but it might be easier just to open the damn thing! 6 1 0 1 99 It's a hose, useful for putting out fires. 6 68 0 1 98 Fire Hose 6 8 0 1 98 ( add to inven ) 7 1 0 1 99 Peggy is the ship's surly foul-mouthed deckhand. Heavily affected by a childhood spent watching too many pirate movies, she thinks she's a swashbuckler. She even had her peg leg rigged to accept multiple interchangeable janitorial attachments. 7 68 0 1 98 Peggy 5 1 0 1 99 This railing keeps uncoordinated people from falling overboard. You should be happy it's there. 5 68 0 1 98 Railing 9 1 0 1 99 Oh, boy! Another beaver joke. Let's see: have you heard the one about the two beavers who went bike riding? 9 1 0 2 1 Oh, not again! 9 1 0 3 99 (DISAPPOINTED) Oh, you've heard it. 9 68 0 1 98 Topiary Beaver 10 1 0 1 99 This would be a perfect time to test your CyberSNIFF 2000\05 card! 10 68 0 1 98 Topiary Fish 8 1 0 1 99 Every fine ship has plants carved into the shape of animals. But, a goose? 8 68 0 1 98 Topiary Goose 4 1 0 1 99 This vent is like Washington, D. C. 4 1 0 2 1 Okay, I give. How is a vent like Washington, D. C.? 4 1 0 3 99 Did you notice its menu's title bar? 4 68 0 1 98 Hot Air Vent 2 1 0 1 99 This wheel must do something, but you have no idea what. 2 68 0 1 98 Wheel 2 220 0 1 99 (SCREAM IN PAIN) OW! 3 1 0 1 99 These windows let others see out, but prevent people like you from looking in. 3 68 0 1 98 Windows

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3 1 0 1 99 Al, I can't read that! I have standards... 3 68 0 1 98 Peggy's Chest 2 1 0 1 99 Peggy's one good eye is more than enough. 2 68 0 1 98 Peggy's Eye 4 1 0 1 99 Not many women are daring enough to go for that beard stubble look! 4 68 0 1 98 Peggy's Face 6 1 0 1 99 Does she have any? 6 68 0 1 98 Peggy's Hair? 1 0 3 1 12 (MAKE 30" OF HUMMING, SINGING, BORED SOUNDS) Hmmmmm. Da da da de. 1 0 3 2 12 Peggy sings and hums to her merry self. 1 161 0 1 12 What the hell are you trying to pull, dip-sh*t? You think I'm stupid or somethin'? I don't want that... or anything else you got to offer, you dumb son of a b***h! 1 46 0 1 12 I gotchur beaver cheese... right here! 1 43 0 1 12 Why don'cha milk on THESE fer a while? 1 28 0 1 12 Yeah. I read it. But it takes more than that to get this ol p***y off! 1 254 0 1 1 Peggy, I've been in that employees' break room and I didn't see a soul. It was completely deserted, as if no one works on this ship. 1 254 0 2 12 S**t, nobody DOES but me! I hafta do everything around here. "Peggy. Swab the decks!" "Peggy. Weld the railing!" "Peggy! Hose off the Captain's rubber sheets!" S**t. Ain't nobody works like I do!! 1 254 0 3 1 Very impressive... and colorful! But where's Xqwsts, if he's not in that break room? 1 254 0 4 12 Oh, the sneaky little b*****d's probably hidin' behind the locker bay. Didja look in there? 1 171 0 1 1 So, where can I find a cabin boy, Peggy? 1 171 0 2 12 You stupid son of a b***h. Don'cha know you can never find a g****m cabin boy when you need 'em. S******t! I go lookin' fer one d***ed near every night, right before bed! And do I find one? Hell, no! 1 171 0 3 1 Well, my needs are a bit simpler. I just want a favor. 1 171 0 4 12 Well, there is one sneaky-assed little foreign motherf***er always hidin' out down there in the employees' break room. Name of X-squats, or something like that, I don't know. Why don'cha try looking there? 1 171 0 5 1 Thanks, Peggy. Good recommendation. I will. 1 52 0 1 12 (A LA PAUL HOGAN) You call that a knife? Hah! THIS is a F***ING knife! (BLUFFING) Nah, nah, nah, jes' kiddin'. Hey, hey, all right. Stop yur shakin'! 1 173 0 1 1 I can't get Xqwzts's locker open. Do you know the combination? 1 173 0 2 12 Sure, d***head. Why didn't ya ask me sooner? "38-24-36" 1 173 0 3 5 Seems so obvious. 1 173 5 1 1 What was that combination again? 1 173 5 2 12 Oh, sure, you little f**king d**khead! Can't you remember anything? "38-24-36." Got it? 1 96 0 1 1 Miss Peggy, can you help me with these competitions? 1 96 0 2 12 Help you? Hell, no! It's guys like you that dribble all over the f***ing LoveMaster, and then, guess who has to clean all that s**t up? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Good ol' Peggy, that's who! S**t. I can't tell you how many times me peg leg's been stuck in that god d**n drain. 1 32 0 1 12 You tryin' to tell me I need a bath, Gerbil Nuts? Step closer. I'll give you a whiff of somethin' no deodorant can conquer! 1 39 0 1 12 (EXAMINING DICE) Shaved? Yep. And not that well. But, I'd still play ya. Ya wanna go a few rounds, over there behind the mizzenmast? 1 39 0 2 1 Um, well, it's mighty tempting, but... no. Sorry. 1 38 0 1 12 S**t? You ain't very smart, are ya? These dice ain't even been sanded down yet! 1 30 0 1 12 I was wondering who stole my f**king fire hose! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Serves those b*****ds right at the headquarters. I told 'em some loser would steal them hoses. S**t. You passengers'll steal anything I don't nail down! 1 86 0 1 1 I'll see you around, Miss Peggy. 1 86 0 2 12 It's been my f***ing pleasure, ya p***k! 1 55 0 1 12 Yeah, that's purty. Here, let me wipe my stinkin' armpit with that. Ah. There. (GIVES IT BACK TO LARRY) Here ya go. 1 55 0 2 5 Uuugh! A hair! 1 33 0 1 12 You pitiful excuse for a d***less wonder! Do I look like a woman who needs her meat heated? 1 70 0 1 12 I ain't got a f***ing clue! 1 70 0 2 12 For such a little dip, you sure got a big nose! Ya jes' gotta know everything, doncha? Well, I don't know nothin' about nothin' like that. 1 70 0 3 12 You think I got nothing better to do than answer your dumb-ass questions, ya piss ant? 1 70 0 4 12 (ASSUME WE'LL BLEEP MOST OF THE END EXCEPT FOR 'CRACK WHORE') I don't know s**t about that. But I do know this: your mother was a c**k-s***ing, ****-licking, ****-infested, s*******ic crack wh**e! 1 70 0 5 12 I got nothing to say about that. (PAUSE) Now shove off, a*s wipe, unless you want to spend a little quality time scratching my st*mp! 1 100 0 1 1 Excuse me, Ma'am. May I bother you for a moment? 1 100 0 2 12 (TO SELF) This godd**n salt air is rusting me f***in' leg socket! (TO LARRY) Yeah, yeah. Who the hell are you? 1 100 0 3 1 My name is Larry; Larry Laffer. 1 100 0 4 12 I'm Peggy. Did I mention this salt air is rustin'... 1 100 0 5 1 (INTERRUPTING TO STOP HER BEFORE SHE SAYS IT AGAIN) Yeah, yeah. Ah, thanks. 1 100 0 6 12 Well, ya don't have to be so f***in' uppity! 1 101 0 1 1 Hello again, Miss Peggy. 1 101 0 2 12 Hello, s***head! 1 101 4 1 1 Hi, Miss Peggy. I'm back. 1 101 4 2 12 Well, look it you! Mr. High F***ing Fashion! 1 51 0 1 12 You poor little a*s licker. You don't have a clue what to do, do you? 1 17 0 1 12 I already got a key to your room. And if you play your cards right, you might just win my little "Peg Man Trophy." 1 17 0 2 5 Luckily, I don't have a mantle to put it on! 1 47 0 1 12 I wondered who was stealin' me f***in' kumquats! I oughta make you put that back. Or, maybe I should just make you stand here and suck it! 1 54 0 1 12 Did I ever tell you 'bout the time I got a severe infection from overusin' that stuff? 1 54 0 2 1 No, I'm sure it's a heart-warming little story, but... don't! 1 18 0 1 12 Hey, did ja get any extra prints of this? Xqwzts is pretty good, ain't he? 1 45 0 1 12 Are you kiddin'? I'm sour enough without lime juice! 1 134 0 1 1 Which locker is Xqwzts in? 1 134 0 2 12 Who am I? Rand f***in' Mac-Nally?! Find your own way, Columbus! But you can bet it opens from the bottom, 'cause he's a such a tiny little p***k. 1 134 0 3 1 I know I'll regret this, but could you be a little more specific? 1 134 0 4 12 S**t. D'jur mother have any children that lived? Second locker, bottom row. Now beat it! And I don't mean your little weed whacker either! 1 1 0 1 99 Peggy is the ship's surly foul-mouthed deckhand. Heavily affected by a childhood spent watching too many pirate movies, she thinks she's a swashbuckler. She even had her peg leg rigged to accept multiple interchangeable janitorial attachments. 1 56 0 1 12 What'ju put on this? 1 73 0 1 12 Don't read. Won't read. (BEAT) Can't read. 1 23 0 1 12 Say... where'd you get that? Is that what I think it is? You're not supposed to have that. 1 44 0 1 12 S**t. I got better mold than this growing around me stump! 1 72 0 1 12 You can keep your f***ing money! I'll be damned if I sell out to the likes of you! 1 19 0 1 12 I'm already sticky enough without this! 1 68 0 1 98 Peggy 1 49 0 1 12 I gave up this f***ing stuff when I realized I was snorting about a quart a day! 1 22 0 1 12 That's nice. Why are you showing me, you dumb ass?! 1 174 0 1 1 So how did you lose your leg, Peg? 1 174 0 2 12 Freak f***ing accident, that's how! One day, I inadvertently combined KZ Jelly with deodorant spray, forming a powerful contact explosive. 1 174 0 3 1 Sexual lubricant? Deodorant spray? And you lost your leg? 1 174 0 4 12 Let's just say I wasn't sprayin' me f***ing arm pits, okay, a**hole? 1 174 0 5 1 Ooooh. Okay. No more details, please! 1 21 0 1 12 That looks like you. On a bad night. After you were sexually frustrated. 1 247 0 1 5 NOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooo!!! 1 53 0 1 12 Are you the asshole that cut that hole in the sail? Wait'll I tell Captain Thygh! She'll kick your nuts across the deck, once she cuts 'em off! 1 41 0 1 12 You might as well steal everything from the kitchen. Those lazy assholes don't do s**t down there. Everything they serve comes in a can. Kinda like me. 1 99 0 1 1 Miss Peggy, I need some help with Peter the purser. 1 99 0 2 12 Help? Ya, you'll need help awright, if he gets ahold o' your tallywhacker! Suck the chrome off a Peterbilt, that one would! Keep your skinny ass away from him, if ya know what's good fer you. 1 48 0 1 12 Ain't hungry. 1 74 0 1 12 1 35 0 1 12 You ain't got a clue, do ya? 1 16 0 1 12 Very impressive. Just about what I'd expect from a limp d**k like you! 1 50 0 1 12 That ain't my screwdriver, is it? I lost one a couple of days ago! 1 50 0 2 1 Oh no, Miss Peggy. I found that on top of the sculptor's scaffold. 1 50 0 3 12 Yeah, it's too bad about that guy, ain't it? Found him floating behind the ship last night. Suicide note in his cabin said his whole life had turned to s**t. Seems like some a*shole f***ed up his life's work! 1 31 0 1 12 Hey, squirt a little of that under me armpits, will ya? I'm having trouble with friction building up heat today! 1 20 0 1 12 Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. That's so sticky. I love it! 1 218 0 1 1 Is it just me, or do you seem to swear a lot? 1 218 0 2 12 Swear? Hell no, motherf***er! I suffer from Cloret's! 1 218 0 3 1 Clorets. Don't you mean, Tourette's? 1 218 0 4 12 No, ya dumb t**t! I mean I gotta FOUL mouth! HA, ha, ha, ha, ha! 1 15 0 1 1 Miss Peggy, tell me everything about the ship's mysterious Captain, would you? 1 15 0 2 12 Captain C***sucker, ya mean? That's what I call her. That f***ing wh*re. She just lays on her ass all day long. She has no morals at all. God, I envy her! 1 37 0 1 12 Hey! What are you trying to say? I look like an asshole? 1 168 0 1 1 What's Xqwzts' hobby? 1 168 0 2 12 Aye, that Xqwzts is perverse little motherf***er! Always sneakin' around the f***in' ship's secret passageways, spyin' on the f***in' payin' customers. That little b**tard. 1 168 0 3 1 Is that legal? 1 168 0 4 12 You mean, is HE legal? Hell, no! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. But that don't stop the little pr**k from doing it, does it now? I'd like to know what he does with all the film he shoots. Blackmail would be MY guess! Or maybe the alt-dot-pervert newsgroup! 1 169 0 1 1 Is there anything Xqwzts needs? Something I could give him to gain his favor? 1 169 0 2 12 Arrrrrgh! I dunno if he NEEDS anything. But I know what he wants... and it sure ain't a whiff of my crabby p***y! 1 167 0 1 1 So, Miss Peggy, would you tell me about Xqwzts? 1 167 0 2 12 Cheap f***ing foreign b****rd. All his kinds wants to do is take jobs away from us real Americans! 1 167 0 3 1 Miss Peggy, when was the last time you even saw America? 1 167 0 4 12 Nineteen seventy-f***in'-three! And what's it to ya, ya little d***head? 1 167 0 5 5 Ever regret asking a question? 1 167 0 6 12 'Course, the j***-off's got one sneaky f***ing hobby! 1 170 0 1 1 Is there anything Xqwzts wants? 1 170 0 2 12 Simple-minded little piece of s**t! Cain't ya figure anything out? He wants to get into the U. S. of A., all right? But he ain't got no f***ing chance, schmuck! 'Cause he ain't got no f***ing passport. 1 170 0 3 1 (CLEAR THROAT IN DISAPPROVAL OF HER LANGUAGE) Passport, eh? Well, that shouldn't so hard to find on a cruise ship. 1 170 0 4 12 You ARE one dumb son of a b***h, ain'cha? Don't you remember what happened to all the passports when you came aboard? Aw, no. Probably you were too busy sniffing them fine young officers, wasn't ya? 1 150 0 1 1 I can see why they call you Peggy, Peggy. 1 150 0 2 12 Oh, can you, lame ass? It's because my f***ing mother named me Margaret, you stupid c***sucker!

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0 0 9 1 1 Whoa! Look at all the cool stuff back here. Oh, well. 1 161 0 1 36 That's not a balloon! 1 87 0 1 36 That's my job! 1 80 0 1 36 It's my penis! 1 90 0 1 36 I'd like that! 1 7 0 1 36 It tastes like rubber! 1 7 0 2 5 I wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard that! 1 1 0 1 99 This handsome sailor entertains the many children on this cruise. 1 68 0 1 98 Rod 1 10 0 1 36 Hi, sailor! New in town? 1 8 0 1 36 I've changed my mind. You don't get one! 1 4 4 1 1 But that doesn't look anything like that! 1 4 4 2 36 Well... it does to me! 1 4 4 3 1 You can keep it, okay? 1 4 10 1 1 But that doesn't look like that. 1 4 10 2 36 It does to me! 1 4 10 3 1 Ugh. You can keep it, okay? 1 4 3 1 36 Look! It's Godzilla! 1 4 3 2 36 Look! It's Mothra! 1 4 3 3 36 Look! It's Tyrannosaurus Rex! 1 4 3 4 36 Look! It's Manimal! 1 4 3 5 36 Look! It's Flipper! 1 4 3 6 36 Look! It's an American Eagle! 1 4 3 7 36 Look! It's Reptilla! 1 4 3 8 36 Look! It's a submarine! 1 4 3 9 36 Look! It's an attacking bird! 1 4 3 10 36 Look! It's a bunny rabbit! 1 4 3 11 36 Look! It's a pterodactyl! 1 4 3 12 36 Look! It's a bald eagle! 1 4 3 13 36 Look! It's Hootie the Owl! 1 4 1 1 1 What are you doing? 1 4 1 2 36 Oh, I'm the handsome sailor who entertains the many children on this cruise. 1 4 1 3 1 But I haven't seen a single child anywhere. 1 4 1 4 36 That's because this game is too dirty for kids! 1 4 2 1 1 So exactly what is it you do? 1 4 2 2 36 Well, I can, uh, make balloon animals. (SUDDENLY EXCITED) Say! Do you want one? 1 4 2 3 1 Not really. 1 4 2 4 36 I'll consider that a "yes!" Here ya go! 1 4 5 1 1 Uh... 1 4 5 2 36 You ready for another? 1 4 5 3 1 Sure. 1 4 6 1 36 Wait! I learned something new! 1 4 6 2 1 Not again! 1 4 8 1 1 Hey, I recognize you! 1 4 8 2 36 Have we met? 1 4 8 3 1 Yeah, you're that guy from the bar in Larry 1! 1 4 8 4 36 Am not. 1 4 8 5 1 Yeah, and you were that psycho barber on the airplane in Larry 2. 1 4 8 6 36 Was not. 1 4 8 7 1 And you were Chief Kenneewauwau on Nontoonyt Island in Larry 3. 1 4 8 8 36 Was not. 1 4 8 9 1 And you hid all the floppy disks from Larry 4! 1 4 8 10 36 Did not. 1 4 8 11 1 Yeah, and in Larry5 you were that geek on the boardwalk! 1 4 8 12 36 Was not. 1 4 8 13 1 Yeah, and in Larry6 you were in the pool, floating on that inflatable pussy. How was that? 1 4 8 14 36 No. Not me. How about another balloon animal? 1 4 8 15 1 Yeah. Whatever. 1 4 7 1 1 I just figured out why you're here. 1 4 7 2 36 Oh, really? 1 4 7 3 1 Yeah. You're only here to balance out the ratio of sexual organ references. 1 4 7 4 36 Why, Larry -- that's so obvious, cheap, tawdry! Al Lowe would never stoop to that! 1 4 7 5 1 That's what you think! 1 4 11 1 36 Look! They're fighting! 1 4 11 2 36 (THIS AND THE FOLLOWING MESSAGES ARE ALL RANDOM NOISES OF BALLOON ANIMALS FIGHTING) Oh. 1 4 11 3 36 Blub blub. 1 4 11 4 36 Ack. 1 4 11 5 36 Uppph. 1 4 11 6 36 Bubububbbls. 6 1 0 1 99 The kumquat tree is an evergreen shrub, with beautiful sweet-scented white flowers, cultivated for its small, orange-yellow citrus fruit, which is commonly eaten fresh or in preserves... but rarely in quiche. 6 1 0 2 99 And this is the first one you've ever seen that's been sculpted into a sheep shape. Quickly! Repeat after me: sheep shape, sheep shape, sheep shape! 6 68 0 1 98 Topiary Sheep 6 8 0 1 99 Ah. You snare a delicious kumquat from the tree. How you wish you had a "taste" icon so you could taste it. Hey, wait! With this new interface, you might! 4 68 0 1 98 Peggy 3 1 0 1 99 If you look over this railing, you can see the nude sunbathers down by the pool. 3 1 0 2 1 Really? Lemme see! 3 1 0 3 1 By golly, you can! Look at that! (BEAT) And that! (BEAT) And THAT!! Wow. 3 68 0 1 98 Railing 3 230 0 1 1 Okay. But you may go blind. 3 230 0 2 1 Oh my God. Nude Volleyball, Nude Roller Derby, Nude Lawn Darts, Nude Curling, Nude Caber Tossing, Nude Ferret Legging, even Nude Gerbil Colonics. I can't take any more! 3 230 0 3 1 That was great, eh? Was it good for you too? 5 1 0 1 99 The forecastle, known as the fo'c's'le in nautical circles, is the section on a ship's upper deck located forward of the foremast. 5 1 0 2 1 Really? I figured Al Lowe just couldn't pass up the opportunity to use the word "fo'c's'le" in a sentence. 5 1 0 3 99 Well, yeah, there's that, too! Besides, how else could he write off his new yacht? 5 68 0 1 98 Fo'c's'le 7 1 0 1 99 (DISCIPLINARIAN VOICE) All right. Who screwed up that plant?! 7 68 0 1 98 Topiary Screw 2 1 0 1 99 These windows look out, but you can't look in. 2 68 0 1 98 Windows

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0 0 5 1 19 Hey, Larry! Get outta the way!! 0 0 5 2 1 Huh? Who's yelling at me? 1 1 0 1 99 The pool is filled with frolicking naked young bodies. Unfortunately, this balcony is too high up to get a good view and the stairs down are nowhere to be seen. 1 1 0 2 1 Why is that? 1 1 0 3 99 Oh, there's a good reason. You see, the plot doesn't require nude scenes from all those characters and Al Lowe would never include dozens of naked bodies merely for prurient interest. 1 1 0 4 1 Oh. (BEAT) Say... is that the real reason? 1 1 0 5 99 No. Our budget was too low to animate all of it! 1 68 0 1 98 Pool 2 1 0 1 99 There are few superlatives that could do justice to the innocent beauty of Drew Baringmore's naked form. 2 1 0 2 1 How about: "She's all that and a side of fries?" 2 1 0 3 99 Well, yes. Maybe that one. 2 10 0 1 99 Oh, yeah, Larry. Climb aboard. She won't mind. (UNDER BREATH) Shmuck. 2 10 0 2 1 What was that? 2 10 0 3 99 (SWEETNESS AND LIGHT) G' luck! 2 10 0 4 1 Hmmm... yeah... maybe. 2 68 0 1 98 Drew Baringmore 2 80 0 1 99 Quite the technique, Larry. A little conversation, and then BAM -- go for the gold. Tsk. 2 90 0 1 99 Maybe not here in public. If you could get her someplace more private, though... 2 100 0 1 1 (LARGE INHALE AT SEEING TOTALLY NUDE BEAUTY) Oh. 2 100 0 2 1 (DROP TOWEL AND IT HANGS THERE) Oops. 2 100 0 3 9 (TO SELF) Oh, I got sunscreen in my eyes. (CALLING FOR TOWEL ATTENDANT) Boy! Oh, towel boy! I need a towel here, please. Quick. 2 100 0 4 5 Uh, boy. 2 100 0 5 9 (FEELS LARRY'S TOWEL) Oh, thank you! (WIPES EYES) 2 100 0 6 9 (FINALLY SEES ELEPHANT FACE CODPIECE STARING HER IN THE FACE) Well, well. What have we here? (CHUCKLES) Is that your trunk or are you just glad to see me? (GOOD-NATUREDLY, TO LARRY) And what's YOUR name, little Babar? 2 100 0 7 1 (EMBARRASSED) Larry; Larry Laffer. And you? 2 100 0 8 9 Drew Baringmore. (CHUCKLES) You know, I haven't seen a codpiece since I took Professor Lipkin's "Minor Playrights of the Late Elizabethan Period" during my sophomore year at Barnard. And I've never seen one with such a cute African influence! You know, I'm quite interested in history, but I'm essentially ignorant of anything past the tertiary-level African tribes. Could you share a little of its immediate history? Its regional influences? Its acquisition history? 2 100 0 9 1 Uh, the cabana boy gave it to me 'cause I forgot my swimsuit. 2 100 0 10 9 Oh. 2 101 8 1 1 Hi, Drew. It's me, Larry. 2 101 8 2 9 Oh, hi Larry. So, what's up? Other than the obvious! 2 101 9 1 1 Hello, Drew. Working hard? 2 101 9 2 9 That's funny, coming from a guy with an elephant codpiece! 2 101 10 1 1 Hello again, Drew. 2 101 10 2 9 Oh, hi Larry. So, how's it trumpeting? 2 101 11 1 1 Hey, Drew. I'm back again. 2 101 11 2 9 Geez, Larry. I'm running out of elephant references! 3 1 0 1 99 It's a copy of "Persons" magazine, with a big cover story on that hot mother-daughter country-western singing duo, the Juggs. 3 8 0 1 5 Let's check this out right now... 3 8 0 2 99 Here's an article about the country-western singing duo, the Juggs. It seems there was a little incident at a recent benefit concert where they were arrested and charged with public lewdness and solicitation. Their publicist blamed it all on a "rare chemical sensitivity problem." The article concludes by saying the girls are going to take a little time off, staying out of the limelight until the scandal dies down. 3 8 0 3 5 Celebrity magazines are so boring. I'll just leave it here. 3 68 0 1 98 Persons Magazine 3 97 0 1 99 It's so difficult to read, lying there on the table, closed. Of course, if you "took" it.... 4 1 0 1 99 It's "The Erotic Adventures of Hercules." The guy on the cover makes Fabio look like a 98-pound weakling. 4 8 3 1 99 Well, Mr. Grabby, not much on manners, are we? Shouldn't we ask the lady's permission to borrow her reading matter, instead of just swiping it? 4 8 4 1 99 Just because Drew's not here, do you think you can just steal her property? 4 8 4 2 1 Yes. See, my motto is: "If it's not nailed down, take it!" And it's served me well for years. 4 8 4 3 99 Okay. You got it! 4 68 0 1 98 Drew's Book 4 97 0 1 99 It's so difficult to read, lying there on the table, closed. Of course, if you "took" it.... 5 1 0 1 99 Just what you like to see: clothes not on people. 5 68 0 1 98 Clothing 6 1 0 1 99 This is all that's left of Drew's Gigantic Erection. 6 1 0 2 5 Me too. 6 68 0 1 98 Drew's Drink

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0 0 1 1 14 Hey! Sorry, dude. Ya gotta stop here. 0 0 1 2 1 Why? What's wrong? 0 0 1 3 14 You. You can't enter the pool like that. 0 0 1 4 1 Like what? 0 0 1 5 14 Like that. Ya know, dressed. 0 0 1 6 1 Why not... dude? 0 0 1 7 14 Safety reasons... dude. 0 0 1 8 1 Fer sure. Safety reasons? 0 0 1 9 14 Way. Fer sure. Purser's orders. That polyester fabric could ignite in this tropical sun. So... drop 'em! 0 0 7 1 14 Whoa! Sorry, dude. Ya gotta stop here. 0 0 7 2 1 Like duh. What, again? Now what? 0 0 7 3 14 You. You can not enter the pool like that. 0 0 7 4 1 Like what? 0 0 7 5 14 Like that. Ya know, carryin' a suitcase. 0 0 7 6 1 Really? And why not? 0 0 7 7 14 Purser's orders. Ya might change into your clothes or sumptin. 0 0 7 8 1 Oh, all right. Can I leave it here? Will you keep an eye on it for me? 0 0 7 9 14 Dude! Do I look like a check room? Oh, all right. Since it's you. Go on. Leave it. (BEAT) Ya want your "lil' buddy" again? 0 0 7 10 1 I guess. I'm kinda gettin' used to it. 0 0 7 11 14 Just so long as you don't let it "grow attached!" 1 1 0 1 99 (CARTOON CHARACTERS) Evidently, there's a strange collection of "characters" lying about at the nude pool. 1 68 0 1 98 Clothes 1 8 0 1 99 Get your hands off those clothes! They belong to famous Hollywood movie stars! 2 161 0 1 14 I don't want that. I want nothing. I have nothing. I'm content just to stand here in the fresh air and sunlight, passing out swimsuits. 2 161 0 2 1 In other words: an executive position, huh? 2 161 0 3 14 Pretty much! 2 70 0 1 14 I really don't have anything to say about that. Or anything else. 2 70 0 2 14 If you're looking for clues, you'll have to go elsewhere. 'Cause I don't have one. A clue, that is. 2 17 0 1 14 Whoa, Dude! I ain't that kinda guy! 2 47 0 1 14 You ain't supposed to be swiping the fruit, are you? 2 54 0 1 14 I used that stuff once, but I found it was easier just to like, switch girl friends! 2 18 0 1 14 Nice shot. 2 45 0 1 14 Too bitter. Makes me pucker. 2 1 0 1 99 The cabana steward's name tag reads "Dick." How does he pin that on? 2 56 0 1 14 That's truly disgust-a-mundo. 2 23 0 1 14 That looks like a key to the hold. 2 72 0 1 14 Hey, whoa! Thanks, man! Big tipper!! 2 72 0 2 1 Wait a minute! I didn't mean to give you ALL my money. 2 72 0 3 14 Sorry, dude. No refunds! 2 72 0 4 1 Just like the government! Oh, never mind. I know where I can get more. 2 68 0 1 98 Dick 2 49 0 1 14 Oh, no. I had some of that stuff in Dewmi Moore's room one night... and I just barely lived to regret it! 2 21 0 1 14 You don't have much clothing on in that picture either. 2 53 0 1 14 Are you the guy that cut the hole in the sail? Captain's gonna kick your butt. 2 48 0 1 14 No, thanks. I ate yesterday. 2 74 0 1 14 2 16 0 1 14 Whoa. I don't want that. That's YOUR contest, not mine. I won a few years ago, right before she hired me for this gig. 2 20 0 1 14 2 4 5 1 1 Hi ya, Dick. Waddaya got in the way of "trunks?" 2 4 5 2 14 Yeah. Like I haven't heard THAT one before! 2 4 6 1 1 Hi ya, Dick. Where's "ol Jumbo?" 2 4 6 2 14 He ain't gonna be in this suit! 2 4 8 1 1 Waddaya got that's long and hard, Dick? 2 4 8 2 14 Isn't that like, uh... redundant? 2 4 9 1 1 (TOO FRIENDLY) How's my little Dickie today? 2 4 9 2 14 There's another joke that I am like, soooo sick of. 2 4 10 1 1 All right. Lemme have it. 2 4 10 2 14 I am getting very close! 2 4 2 1 1 Hi, Dick. 2 4 2 2 14 Whoa, man. I like never realized what a totally bitchin' dresser you were! 2 4 11 10 1 Well, I don't think I should enter naked. Everyone would, uh, stare at my, um, physical attributes! 2 4 11 11 14 Yeah, fer sure. 2 4 11 12 1 You know, uh, (READS NAMETAG) Dick, once I went into a restaurant that required a tie and, because of my personal aversion to owning anything other than leisure wear I've never had a tie, I... 2 4 11 13 14 (INTERRUPTING) Sure, I got "courtesy loaners." 2 4 11 14 1 Whew. 2 4 11 15 14 This little dude right HERE is exactly what you need. 2 4 11 19 5 Oh, great. Of course I couldn't get a "normal" swimsuit. 2 4 11 20 1 Can I at least have a towel to cover it up? 2 4 11 21 14 Fer sure. No problem, dude. Now don't get it wet... it might shrink! (CHUCKLES) 2 37 0 1 14 Whoa, dude. Jus' 'cause ma name's Dick.... 3 1 0 1 99 You'd hardly think modesty would be necessary at a clothing-optional pool, but many of these people don't want to be seen undressing. Naked? Sure. But removing their clothing? Really! 3 68 0 1 98 Cabana Roof

302.msgEdit

0 0 1 1 9 Excuse me, Larry. Here comes a waiter. This'll just take a second. (OFF MIKE & LOUDER) Waiter. Oh, waiter! 0 0 1 2 19 Hello, beautiful! What can I do for you? 0 0 1 3 9 I want a "gigantic erection." 0 0 1 4 19 Looks like your little buddy there has got ya covered! 0 0 1 5 9 What? I said, "bring me a gigantic erection!" 0 0 1 6 19 (COMING ON STRONGER) Well, okay, baby. I'm your man! 0 0 1 7 9 Well, where is it? 0 0 1 8 19 I'm working on it. You mind moving that computer? 0 0 1 9 9 Look. I want a mixed drink. A cocktail. You know, lime juice, 151-proof rum, vodka, triple sec, mayonnaise, with a hollowed-out frozen banana to suck through. You know: a "gigantic erection." 0 0 1 10 19 Oh. Okay, but it'll take a while, you know. 6 1 0 1 99 (PANT, PANT) What? Oh, not now, Larry! 6 68 0 1 98 Drew's Body 1 1 0 1 99 Looks like Drew is reading "The Erotic Adventures of Hercules." That guy on the cover makes Fabio look like a 98-pound weakling. 1 68 0 1 98 Drew's Book 1 97 0 1 99 It's so difficult to read, lying there on the table, closed. Of course, if you "took" it.... 1 8 0 1 99 Well, Mr. Grabby, not much on manners, are we? Shouldn't we ask the lady's permission to borrow her reading matter, instead of just stealing it? 7 1 0 1 99 This is your favorite part of the game, isn'tit? 7 68 0 1 98 Drew's Breasts 2 0 4 1 9 Excuse me! Could you look me in the eyes? 2 0 4 2 1 (CAUGHT IN THE ACT) Sorry. 2 0 5 1 9 This tropical sun is brutal. I hope you don't mind, but I need to spend a few minutes rubbing this sunscreen all over my naked body. 2 0 5 2 1 Need help? 2 0 5 3 9 No, but nice try. 2 0 5 4 9 I really like the way it makes my skin glisten. The way it brings out the soft little hairs on the back of my neck, my arms, my... 2 0 5 5 1 (INTERRUPTING) STOP! I can't take it! 2 0 5 6 9 Aw. I didn't realize I was being "hard on" you. 2 0 5 7 1 (WHIMPER) Ohhh. 2 161 0 1 9 Why would you think I'd be interested in THAT? 2 43 0 1 9 Oh, I have no need for that. All I want to do is lie here, naked in the sunlight, waiting for inspiration to strike. 2 28 0 1 9 Oh, you can keep it. It wasn't that good. I found the plot development weak, the characters shallow, the overall structure entirely predictable. (BEAT) And besides, there's not enough dirty parts! 2 128 0 1 1 Drew, would you mind if I borrowed your book? 2 128 0 2 9 Not at all. I've finished it. 2 128 11 1 1 Drew, would you mind if I borrowed your book? 2 128 11 2 9 Yes, I would. I'm only about halfway through and I just can't put it down. Hercules is about to reveal himself to the Sultan's harem. 2 128 11 3 1 But you're working on your computer. 2 128 11 4 9 Nope. Try me again later. When I've finished it. 2 26 0 1 9 No, I intensely dislike boredom and pretension. 2 52 0 1 9 (AUSTRALIAN) That's not a knife. THIS is a knife! (BEAT) Just kidding. Actually, this is my laptop! 2 34 0 1 9 Sure. So? 2 176 0 1 1 You don't have any clothing at all, do you, Drew? 2 176 0 2 9 Of course not! I love nudism so much that just as soon as I board ship, I get rid of every single piece of pesky clothing. 2 176 0 3 1 Good idea. 2 176 0 4 9 And I force my cabin boy to lock up my suitcase someplace where I can't possibly find it so I can spend the entire week here by the pool, naked. I eat, sleep, sun, and swim here, never leaving the comfort of this chaise. It may not be an ideal vacation for everyone, but for me -- well, it's what I love most! 2 215 0 1 1 So, you recognized this as a codpiece? 2 215 0 2 9 Of course. It's been a few years, but I believe my college text defined it as "a pouch at the crotch of the tight-fitting breeches worn by men in the 15th and 16th centuries." It's from the Middle English word, "codpece," a cod, a bag, a scrotum (which came from the Old English word "codd," meaning bag plus pece, meaning piece. Is that your understanding, Larry? 2 215 0 3 1 Yeah. Thanks. 2 32 0 1 9 Has my deodorant failed? 2 39 0 1 9 I don't gamble. 2 38 0 1 9 I don't gamble. 2 179 0 1 1 I think I'll have a drink myself. (TO OFF-SCREEN WAITER) Oh, waiter. I want the same thing the lady ordered. 2 179 0 2 19 (SARCASTICALLY) Nice suit. 2 179 0 3 1 (THINKS HE DIDN'T HEAR) No, please bring me a "gigantic erection." 2 179 0 4 19 Oh, that'll take a while for the bartender to fix. Wait right here. 2 30 0 1 9 My, Larry. What a long hose you have! 2 127 0 1 1 So you really know a lot about this guy, huh? 2 127 0 2 9 Yes. (QUOTING FROM MEMORY) "Fokker, Anton Herman Gerard, 1890-1939, Dutch-born German-American aircraft designer and aircraft manufacturer; born Java. His factories in Germany produced triplanes and biplanes used in World War I. He revolutionized aerial warfare by synchronizing a front-mounted machine gun to fire through the propeller of a plane without intercepting the blades (1915). He later turned to developing commercial aircraft and came to the U.S. in 1922." 2 127 0 3 1 Wow. You really know a lot about those Fokkers! 2 177 0 1 1 I've always been very fond of that wonderful German inventer, Anton Fokker. Have you ever heard of him? 2 177 0 2 9 Anton Fokker? But, of course. I wrote the book on him. 2 177 0 3 1 So you HAVE heard of him. 2 177 0 4 9 No, I mean I literally wrote the book on him. I'm the author of his best-selling biography. It's recognized everywhere as the classic treatise on the subject. I called it, "Fokker: More Than Just An Airplane!" 2 177 0 5 1 (LYING THROUGH TEETH) Uh, yeah. I just love discussing historical aircraft designers. 2 177 0 6 9 Me, too! You know, it's funny, Larry. It seems like these cruise ships are filled with phonies who just want to "bore me!" 2 177 0 7 5 I could see that. 2 177 0 8 9 But it's wonderful to find a kindred spirit like you, someone interested in aviation history, particularly the airplanes of my dear sweet Anton. 2 236 0 1 1 I've never heard of a "Gigantic Erection." 2 236 0 2 9 Oh, it's my favorite drink, Larry. Usually I suck it all down, then nibble for hours on its hard frozen banana. 2 236 0 3 1 (SOFTLY, TO SELF) Ohhhhh, lordie lordie. Help me, lordie! 2 86 0 1 1 Drew, I'm gonna go now. 2 86 0 2 9 Okay. Maybe we'll be seeing more of each other soon. 2 86 0 3 5 Like THAT's possible! 2 86 2 1 9 Okay. 2 55 0 1 9 Thank you. May I use this to wipe off my screen? (BEAT) There. Thanks. 2 33 0 1 9 It's hot enough out here without that. 2 70 0 1 9 No. That doesn't ring a bell. 2 70 0 2 9 What? I'm afraid I can't help you on that, Larry. 2 70 0 3 9 Huh? I don't know. 2 70 0 4 9 Don't ask me about that, Larry. I just don't know what to say. 2 70 0 5 9 Really? I suppose anything is possible. 2 58 0 1 9 You're not selling insurance policies door to door, are you? Next, it'll be Amway! 2 235 0 1 1 Say, Drew: do you have a joystick for your laptop? 2 235 0 2 9 Why, no, Larry. (BEAT) No, I don't. 2 235 0 3 1 Well, I've got a "Thrust-master!" 2 17 0 1 9 Your room? Can't. I'm all naked, and shipboard regulations strictly prohibit the passage of unsuitably clothed passengers through public areas of the ship. But then, you probably knew that. 2 47 0 1 9 Thanks. Let me just crack open its skin and suck the juices out from the firm flesh waiting inside. (MAKE SLURPY SOUNDS) Ahh. That was refreshing. Thanks, Larry. 2 54 0 1 9 Oh, sweetie, I never need that. When you're as young and nubile as I, lubrication comes quickly. 2 54 0 2 5 As do I! 2 18 0 1 9 Well, I like the nudity... but who's that woman you're with? 2 45 0 1 9 No, thanks. I've got a drink right here. 2 252 0 1 1 I guess I don't have to tell you. I'm kind of a lonely guy. 2 252 0 2 9 You look like the kind of guy who would be lonely. 2 1 0 1 99 Now there's something you don't see every day. 2 1 0 2 1 A beautiful woman dressed only in sunscreen? 2 1 0 3 99 No, a laptop computer that you can read in bright sunlight! 2 56 0 1 9 Ick. 2 73 0 1 9 I already have something to read. 2 23 0 1 9 Should I know what that opens? 2 72 0 1 9 Oh, I have no need for money. I just charge everything to my room. That's one of the reasons I like this cruise line. I never have to mess around with money or those stupid little pop beads like some resorts I choose not to mention. Say, haven't you figured that out yet? How to charge everything to your room? 2 180 0 1 1 (LYING THROUGH YOUR TEETH, AGAIN) I've always felt Anton never received the recognition he so sorely deserved. 2 180 0 2 9 Oh, you are knowledgable, aren't you, Larry? Yes, Anton was a wonderful inventor, a genius really, but he wasn't a brilliant businessman. It was his mother who really ran the company, you know. Yes, she was a tyrant who ruled with an iron fist! 2 180 0 3 1 (HERE IT COMES) You mean... 2 180 0 4 9 Yes. She was one mean Mother Fokker! 2 180 0 5 99 (INHALE THROUGH TEETH) I think we could ALL see that one coming! 2 19 0 1 9 Sticky. 2 181 0 1 1 I would really enjoy having a more "in-depth" discussion with you, Drew. 2 181 0 2 9 Really? Me too. In fact, I could Fokker all night long! 2 181 0 3 1 That's pretty much what I was thinking! (BEAT) So, you wanna go back to my room to see my aircraft etchings? (WHICH I DON'T HAVE) 2 181 0 4 9 I'd love to. 2 181 0 5 9 But I can't! 2 68 0 1 98 Drew Baringmore 2 49 0 1 9 Oh, no thanks. I don't do drugs. I prefer to live naturally. 2 217 0 1 1 Aren't you worried about over-exposure? 2 217 0 2 9 Oh, no, not any more. Sure, once upon a time I had to limit my exposure, especially on a tropical cruise like this. But ever since I discovered this SPF-300, I have no problems at all. Every few minutes I carefully, slowly, thoroughly rub it over every single inch of my naked body. 2 217 0 3 1 (SOFT MOAN) Ohhh. 2 217 0 4 9 And, of course, my laptop computer here does offers some protection, although I do get a peculiar tan line. 2 217 0 5 1 (MOAN!) Oooohhh. 2 217 0 6 9 Larry, is my nudity making you uncomfortable? Is this hard for you? 2 217 0 7 1 No, it's been like this ever since I got here! 2 22 0 1 9 Leaving? 2 21 0 1 9 Nice likeness. 2 247 0 1 1 Did I ever tell you I know Al Lowe personally? 2 247 0 2 9 Who? Oh, I remember him! He came through here last November. Unimpressive. 2 247 0 3 1 Yeah, maybe. 2 247 0 4 9 Not him, Larry. You! 2 53 0 1 9 I don't want anything to cover me. I prefer to let this fresh salt air blow right through the tiny soft little hairs all over my naked flesh. 2 53 0 2 1 (MOAN) Ohhhh. 2 16 0 1 9 You're not doing so well, eh? 2 31 0 1 9 Oh, I never use that for screen cleaner. 2 20 0 1 9 No, I don't want to touch that. It would get my keyboard all sticky. But, you know... that is a flattering pose. 2 124 0 1 1 Drew! I've got your suitcase. 2 124 0 2 9 Really? I don't see it. 2 124 0 3 1 The attendant made me leave it in the changing cabana. Come on! 2 124 0 4 9 But, Larry. This means I'll have to parade completely across the deck, totally, utterly nude, showing everyone here my tanned, fit, naked body! (BEAT) I like that! 2 124 0 5 1 (WHIMPER) Ohhhh. 2 124 10 1 1 Do you have an old suitcase I could borrow? 2 124 10 2 9 Why? 2 124 10 3 1 Uh, I dunno. I don't know what the hell I was thinking! 2 124 9 1 1 So you want me to bring you your suitcase? 2 124 9 2 9 Damn, Larry. Buy yourself a ticket on the clue train! 2 25 0 1 9 That is SO you! 2 37 0 1 9 Ouch. That's as rough as a cob! 2 2 0 1 1 Do you enjoy writing, Drew? 2 2 0 2 9 Of course. It beats work! 2 250 0 1 1 What do you mean, "you can't?" 2 250 0 2 9 I can't, because, remember? I ordered the cabin boy to lock up my clothing for the duration of the cruise. And you know I just can't violate the ship's rules and walk brazenly, boldly naked through the clothing-required parts of the ship like some sort of exhibitionist. That would never do. No, I'll just have to stay here, lying here naked all night, the cool tropical breezes gently wafting across my bare skin.... 2 250 0 3 1 (WHIMPER) Ouuuhh. 2 250 0 4 5 I can't believe I've got to get a totally naked woman INTO her clothing! 3 1 0 1 99 This is all that's left of Drew's Gigantic Erection. 3 1 0 2 5 Me too. 3 68 0 1 98 Drew's Drink 4 1 0 1 99 Drew's face is every bit the match for her body! 4 68 0 1 98 Drew's Face 5 1 0 1 99 She could be a true blond, but with that computer there, who can tell? 5 68 0 1 98 Drew's Hair 9 1 0 1 99 Drew's laptop has a problem with overheating. 9 1 0 2 1 It needs one of those new, low-voltage chips. 9 1 0 3 99 Who said the heat was coming from the COMPUTER? 9 152 0 1 1 Want me to recharge your lap top? 9 152 0 2 9 Oh, no, that's not necessary. I can still feel the juices flowing. 9 152 0 3 1 (TO SELF) Ohhhhh. Me too. 9 68 0 1 98 Drew's Laptop 9 8 0 1 1 Mind if I borrow your laptop to check my E-mail? 9 8 0 2 9 Oh, I'm working off-line. I didn't even bring my cellular modem. You might say I'm "computing au natural." 9 8 0 3 5 No kidding! 8 1 0 1 99 If you couldn't plainly see, you'd swear Drew's legs go all the way to her shoulders! 8 68 0 1 98 Drew's Legs 10 64 0 1 99 The palm branch is quite strong. You'll never break it. You can't even move it! 10 1 0 1 99 If you'd just move over a little, that branch wouldn't be in the way! 10 152 0 1 99 You'd love to move the branch, but your heart couldn't take it! 10 68 0 1 98 Pesky Branch 11 1 0 1 99 Drew never computes without her SPF-300. 11 68 0 1 98 Sunscreen 11 8 0 1 1 Want me to rub some of that sunscreen on your back, Drew? 11 8 0 2 9 No. I just applied some. Too bad you were late -- I had trouble getting it on the small of my back. 11 8 0 3 1 (TO SELF) Oooohhhh. 11 8 0 4 9 What's wrong, Larry? Codpiece too tight?

310.msgEdit

0 0 1 1 98 The Next Day... 0 0 2 1 1 Ow. 0 0 2 2 1 Ou. 0 0 2 3 1 Ouch. 0 0 2 4 1 Ouw. 0 0 2 5 1 Argh. 0 0 2 6 1 Argggh. 0 0 2 7 1 Ouuf. 0 0 2 8 1 Damn! 1 5 0 1 99 (WHISPER) It feels like a bed. 1 1 0 1 99 (WHISPER) There's not a lot of light in here, but there appears to be one absolutely luscious body lying there on the bed, in the darkness, waiting for you. 1 68 0 1 98 Big Cloth-Covered Thing 1 71 0 1 99 It smells faintly of gardenias, with hints of rosewater and intrigue. 3 5 0 1 99 (WHISPER) It feels like a big mechanic's toolbox or maybe an ammo case. 3 68 0 1 98 Low Metal Thing 2 5 0 1 99 (WHISPER) Big and oblong and wooden? Hard to say. Could be a packing crate, could be a coffin. 2 68 0 1 98 Big Oblong Thing 4 83 0 1 5 Okay, baby; this is it! 4 83 0 2 1 (FOREPLAY SOUNDS) Oh, yeah. 4 83 0 3 1 (FOREPLAY SOUNDS) Oooh. 4 83 0 4 1 (FOREPLAY SOUNDS) Mnnnnmmm. 4 83 0 5 1 (FOREPLAY SOUNDS) Ahhhh. 4 83 0 6 13 (HEAVY BREATHING AND WHEEZING) Ah. Ah. Uh. Oh. 4 83 0 7 13 (95-YEAR-OLD HAVING HEART ATTACK) Arrrrgh! 4 83 0 8 32 (TURNING ON LIGHTS) (SIMULTANEOUSLY) What the...? 4 83 0 9 5 (SIMULTANEOUSLY) What the...? 4 83 0 10 1 Annette?! (SEES OLD MAN IN BED BESIDE HIM) ARRGGGH!! (LEAPS FROM BED) 4 83 0 11 23 Larry, what are you doing?! 4 83 0 12 32 You weren't supposed to kill him yet! 4 83 0 13 1 I... I thought you were... 4 83 0 14 23 (DAWNING REALIZATION)...safely asleep next door. Yes, it's all becoming clear to me now. 4 83 0 15 32 A heart attack. No evidence. Very neat; but now I'M the patsy. 4 83 0 16 5 Geez, the old guy's one sound sleeper. 4 83 0 17 1 (WHISPERS) Hey! Maybe we should go to your room and let this old geezer rest in peace, huh? 4 83 0 18 23 Oh, I think this is exactly where you want to be. 4 83 0 19 5 (HORRIFIED) Oh, no! She thinks I'm a homosexual! 4 83 0 20 1 No, no. It's not like that at all! 4 83 0 21 23 Drop the dumb act, pal. You had this planned all along. 4 83 0 22 32 But when does the other shoe drop? What's his game? 4 83 0 23 1 Annette, you don't think... 4 83 0 24 5 ...I'm a homosexual?! 4 83 0 25 23 Oh, yeah, I DO think. 4 83 0 26 32 You cold-hearted bastard! I guess we'll do it your way. 4 83 0 27 23 Let's get this stuff out of here. (GATHERS UP CLOTHES AND TOSSES OUT PORTHOLE) 4 83 0 28 1 Hey! My clothes! 4 83 0 29 32 Does he WANT evidence lying around? 4 83 0 30 23 I think you'd better leave now, before you "help" me even more.

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0 0 3 1 98 Late that evening... 5 5 0 1 99 They're just out of reach. 5 5 0 2 1 Where's a stepladder when you need one? 5 7 0 1 99 And now the kinky side of your personality comes to the surface. 5 7 0 2 1 I have another side? 5 1 0 1 99 As fine an example of the sculptor's art as ever existed, don't you think? 5 1 0 2 1 Ohhhhh, yeah. 5 68 0 1 98 Plastic Breasts 7 1 0 1 99 A tasteful gold nameplate above the button says "Boning." 7 68 0 1 98 Button 7 160 4 1 98 GOTO CU,312msg 7 160 5 1 99 Looks like she's playing possum. 7 160 0 1 99 Remember, Larry: she said she'd leave the door unlocked... 7 160 6 1 99 Nothing happens. Guess no one's home. 2 1 0 1 99 This chandelier makes approximately the same decorating statement as a bunch of hundred dollar bills glued to a coat hanger. 2 68 0 1 98 Chandelier 6 5 0 1 99 If that's what you're looking for, Larry, you've bought the wrong game! 6 1 0 1 99 Checking out the old competition again? 6 1 0 2 1 What? Me? No, I was just... admiring the workmanship. 6 1 0 3 99 (RIGHT. SURE.) Um humph. 6 68 0 1 98 Plastic Bulge 3 64 4 1 99 Yeah, great idea! And then you can break that solid steel inner door. (PAUSE) Not! 3 64 0 1 99 For heaven's sake, it's open! Just go on in. 3 64 6 1 99 3 1 4 1 99 The door is locked up tight. It looks like Annette isn't interested in any more "surprises." 3 1 0 1 99 It appears Annette has left her door unlocked... for you. 3 1 0 2 1 All right! Now we're gettin' somewhere! 3 1 6 1 99 This door is stronger than it looks. 3 68 0 1 98 Glass Door 3 61 4 1 99 It's locked. 3 61 6 1 99 4 1 4 1 99 Like the outer door, it's locked up tight. 4 1 0 1 99 The Bonings take their security seriously. Luckily for you, Annette left the door ajar. 4 1 6 1 99 4 68 0 1 98 Vault Door 4 61 4 1 99 Yeah, right. 4 61 0 1 99 Why not open the outer door first? 4 61 6 1 99 1 1 0 1 99 The maids are rather fetching, but those guys remind you of the bullies who used to kick sand in your face at the beach. 1 1 0 2 1 What do you mean, "used to?" 1 1 0 3 99 Oh. Sorry. 1 68 0 1 98 Statues

312.msgEdit

1 161 0 1 23 (DISTAIN) I don't think there's anything you could offer me that would interest me in the slightest. 1 52 0 1 1 Annette, I have a knife. 1 52 0 2 23 (Screams and leaves.) 1 52 0 3 1 Wait. Come back. I wasn't threatening you. 1 52 0 4 5 I was just wondering what I was supposed to do with this knife? 1 86 0 1 1 It's been nice talking to you, I guess. 1 86 0 2 23 Hmmmm. 1 55 0 1 1 I believe you dropped this. In my cabin. 1 55 0 2 5 Right after... 1 55 0 3 23 Oh, keep it. I only use them once anyway. 1 205 0 1 1 You know... about the other night... I just wanted to... 1 205 0 2 5 ...convince you I'm not gay. Personally. 1 205 0 3 23 Look, you did what you had to do. But I don't want to talk about it, okay? 1 205 0 4 1 But... I... Well... Oh, all right. 1 70 0 1 23 I don't know what you mean. 1 70 0 2 23 What? Should I understand that? 1 70 0 3 23 I don't know what you're talking about. 1 70 0 4 23 (NOT ANGRY) You don't need to talk to me like that. 1 70 0 5 23 Change the conversation, okay? 1 58 0 1 1 I have something I believe you want. 1 58 0 2 32 (GROAN) Oh! That damn insurance policy! Now it's gonna cost me big time. 1 58 0 3 23 (SWEETLY) Why, yes. I believe that IS mine. Thank you for returning it. 1 58 0 4 1 (HESITANTLY) Um, I was thinking, you know, ah, for something as, uh, special as this, don't you think, uh, a little extra thanks would be in order? 1 58 0 5 5 Like... sex? 1 58 0 6 23 Oh, I don't think I have anything you'd want. 1 58 0 7 1 Oh, I think you have PLENTY of what I want! 1 58 0 8 32 Think. Think! How am I gonna get rid of this schmuck? 1 58 0 9 23 I just don't know. 1 58 0 10 1 Waddaya say I come inside... 1 58 0 11 5 ...your vault! 1 58 0 12 23 All right, Larry. I know what you want. And if I give it to you, I don't want to see you again, you understand. No more. That's it. We're through, capisce? 1 58 0 13 5 She wants me to have sex right now, and she DOESN'T want me to call her later? Oh! It's a dream come true! 1 58 0 14 1 You're reading my mind, sweetcakes! 1 58 0 15 23 Ugh. Okay, wait right here. 1 58 0 16 5 Man, a guy's got to jump through hoops just to get this chick in bed! 1 58 0 17 23 Okay, Larry. I don't keep much cash around, but this is worth a lot more than you deserve. Now amscray. Skeedaddle. 1 58 0 18 5 Huh? What's this? (LOOKS) Half a billion dollars worth of stock? (BEAT) But I wanted to get laid! (SIGH) 1 158 0 1 1 I wonder if you have adequate insurance? 1 158 0 2 23 Well, I think so. Why? 1 158 0 3 32 What is he driving at? 1 158 0 4 1 Oh, nothing. A woman can never have too much insurance, that's what I always say! 1 158 0 5 5 Gawd, am I a doofus or what? Where's my suave charm when I need it? 1 100 0 1 23 (EXPECTANTLY; OPENING DOOR) Yes? (NOT GLAD TO SEE LARRY) Oh. It's you. 1 100 0 2 32 Uh, oh! 1 100 0 3 23 It's... good to see you again. 1 100 0 4 1 (UNSURE HOW TO BEGIN) Um, well, I was just wondering... 1 100 0 5 5 ...if there's any way I could get you in bed? 1 100 0 6 1 ...if we could, uh, talk? 1 100 0 7 23 I'm not sure what we have to talk about. 1 101 0 1 23 Yes? Oh. You again. 1 101 0 2 32 Stop bugging me! 1 101 0 3 1 Yeah, I'm still around. 1 101 0 4 5 Yeah, I'm still horny! 1 17 0 1 23 I've already seen more than enough of THAT room! 1 1 0 1 99 Annette looks as mysterious and sultry as ever. 1 56 0 1 23 Yuck. What have you done to my handkerchief? No, no. You keep it. Please! 1 72 0 1 23 As if. 1 68 0 1 98 Annette Boning 1 204 0 1 1 I haven't seen your "old friend" around lately. Is everything okay? 1 204 0 2 23 (HESITANTLY) Yes. Everything's fine. 1 204 0 3 32 Here it comes. 1 204 0 4 1 I hope he's having a nice rest. 1 204 0 5 5 Gosh, does she have a great body, or what? 1 204 0 6 23 Oh, he's "resting comfortably." 1 204 0 7 32 So, it's blackmail... 1 49 0 1 23 Oh, I used to buy that stuff whenever I was in Tijuan... I mean, Paris. 1 247 0 1 1 So, baby: what's your sign? 1 247 0 2 23 Octagonal. 1 247 0 3 1 Huh? 1 247 0 4 23 As in, "Stop!" 1 16 0 1 23 Ueew. You entered that? How gauche. 1 37 0 1 23 Oh, that's it! You did it!! That's exactly what I've been wanting from you all this time. Let's have sex, now and repeatedly! 1 37 0 2 1 (ALL EXCITED) Really? With me? 1 37 0 3 23 Hell, no, you idiot! You are SUCH a jerk!

320.msgEdit

0 0 2 1 5 Hey! I don't want to be left out of this! 0 0 2 2 1 Okay, girls! Who wants me first? 0 0 2 3 34 (GASP) Gasp! 0 0 2 4 1 Don't all come at once (heh, heh, heh). 0 0 2 5 33 (GRUFFLY, THREATENING) What the hell did you say? 0 0 2 6 33 Turn on the light! 0 0 2 7 34 (GASP) Gasp! 0 0 2 8 5 Blind Dessert Taste Test? Whew! That was close. 0 0 2 9 1 It's nice to see the sight-challenged having a good time! 0 0 2 10 34 Get him! Grab him! After him! 0 0 2 11 33 Idiot! 0 0 2 12 33 Fool! 0 0 2 13 33 Miniaturist! 0 0 2 14 1 (AS YOU HIT THE PAVEMENT) Ouf! 0 0 1 1 33 Yes. 0 0 1 2 33 Oh. 0 0 1 3 33 Oh, God! 0 0 1 4 33 Um, that is beautiful! 0 0 1 5 33 More. More! 0 0 1 6 33 Um. Perfect-o! 0 0 1 7 33 Hey, baby; take a bite of this! 0 0 1 8 33 I don't think I can take another! 0 0 1 9 33 (MOAN) Ohhh. 0 0 1 10 33 It's all creamy inside! 0 0 3 1 24 Oh, God! 0 0 3 2 24 Oooh, let me lick that! 0 0 3 3 24 Oh, that's great! 0 0 3 4 24 More. More! 0 0 3 5 24 Perfect! 0 0 3 6 24 You'll like this; it's covered with whipped cream! 0 0 3 7 24 I'm not sure I can resist; oh, what the hell! 0 0 3 8 24 More. I want more! 0 0 3 9 24 (MOAN) Ohhh. 0 0 3 10 24 I want it all! 0 0 4 1 98 Blind Dessert Taste Test 1 5 0 1 24 Hey, watch where you're grabbing! 1 7 0 1 24 Is there a dog in here? 1 68 0 1 98 Warm Body 2 5 0 1 33 Whoa! 2 7 0 1 33 All right! Who the hell just licked me? 2 68 0 1 98 Warm Body 3 5 0 1 33 Hey! 3 7 0 1 99 You miscalculate and end up licking air. 3 68 0 1 98 Warm Body 4 5 0 1 24 I hope that's you, George. 4 7 0 1 99 You end up with a mouthful of whipped cream. 4 7 0 2 5 Wow, this is a great party! 4 68 0 1 98 Warm Body 5 5 0 1 99 It feels like a big bunch of whipped cream. 5 5 0 2 5 Oooh, kinky! Ka-chunk, ka-chunk. 5 7 0 1 99 It is, in fact, whipped cream. 5 7 0 2 5 Oooh, kinky! 5 68 0 1 98 Squishy Stuff 6 5 0 1 99 It's some kind of sticky substance. 6 5 0 2 5 Boy, these guys sure know how to party! 6 7 0 1 99 Are you sure you want to lick that, Larry? 6 7 0 2 99 On second thought, don't answer. 6 7 0 3 5 Tastes a little like chicken. 6 68 0 1 98 Sticky Stuff 7 5 0 1 99 It might be a table. 7 68 0 1 98 Big Round Thing

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5 1 0 1 99 There's nothing on the table but crumbs, flecks of whipped cream, and little plastic surfers. 5 1 0 2 1 You mean... 5 1 0 3 99 Yes. The dessert tasting is deserted. 5 1 0 4 1 (Groan.) 5 68 0 1 98 Buffet Table 5 71 0 1 99 This entire area smells of chocolate. 3 1 0 1 99 It's amazing what can be done with injection molding. 3 68 0 1 98 Chair 4 1 0 1 99 4 68 0 1 98 Chair 4 71 0 1 99 It smells faintly of gardenias, with hints of rosewater and intrigue. 1 92 0 1 99 1 1 0 1 99 The remains of the chocolate moose form a small sticky pile in the center of the table. 1 68 0 1 98 Melted Moose 1 71 0 1 99 This entire room smells of chocolate. 1 8 0 1 99 You'd better watch out, Larry. Eat too much chocolate and you'll have to work out in your next game, like you did in "Leisure Suit Larry 3: Passionate Patti in Pursuit of the Pulsating Pectorals," available wherever software walks and money talks. 2 1 0 1 99 The CyberPalm 2000\05 is not a real palm tree, merely an incredible simulation. 2 68 0 1 98 Potted Palm 8 1 0 1 99 The sneeze guard is an indispensible feature of the modern buffet's serviceless service. 8 68 0 1 98 Sneeze Guard 8 208 0 1 1 (REALLY SNEEZE) Ah-choo! 8 208 0 2 99 You've always wanted to do that, haven't you? 6 1 0 1 99 This table won a design competition in the category: "Best Furniture in the Shape of a Tropical Island." 6 68 0 1 98 Table 7 81 0 1 99 You have no need to return to Xqwzts's chamber THAT way. 7 1 0 1 99 You vividly remember crawling through that vent when you entered this room in the dark. 7 68 0 1 98 Air Vent

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1 1 0 1 99 This is the very chair your perfumed friend occupied when you made your foolish... uh, when you were last here. 1 68 0 1 98 Chair Seat 1 71 0 1 99 Oh, please. Even Al Lowe has SOME standards! 2 1 0 1 99 There's a sheaf of folded papers here. 2 68 0 1 98 Folded Paper 2 8 0 1 98 (ADD POLICY TO INVEN AND RETURN TO LONG SHOT)

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9 92 0 1 5 (SLURPING MUNCHING SOUNDS) Mmmm. (CHEW) I love bean dip! (SMACK LIPS) 9 92 0 2 99 Just because it's "all you can eat" doesn't mean you're obligated to make yourself sick! 9 92 0 3 5 Why not? 9 92 3 1 99 You know, Larry, they only put 239 beans in that bowl of dip. 9 92 3 2 1 (TELEGRAPH THERE'S A GROANER COMING) Oh, really? (BEAT) Why? 9 92 3 3 99 Because any more and it would be "too farty!" 9 92 3 4 1 (TO SELF) That sounds like a Mark Seibert joke! 9 1 0 1 99 A large container of bean dip graces the buffet table. 9 1 0 2 5 Mmmm. Bean dip! 9 1 0 3 99 And it's "all you can eat!" 9 68 0 1 98 Bean Dip 5 1 0 1 99 Cute decor, eh? 5 68 0 1 98 Ceiling 17 1 0 1 99 Look! It's all you can drink! And free, too! 17 1 0 2 1 You're just saying that so I'll drink and drink and drink and then I'll have to go pee a lot, aren't you? 17 1 0 3 99 Yeah. Isn't that why you spend so long alone in the bathroom? 17 1 0 4 1 Uh... no. 17 68 0 1 98 Drink Station 6 221 0 1 99 Wow. 6 221 0 2 1 This ship has everything! 6 221 1 1 99 Not a sound comes from the Dessert Tasting now. 6 1 0 1 99 There are some signs near that door and more signs on it. 6 1 1 1 99 Now you know: that door hid the Blind Dessert Tasting. And now it's wide open. 6 23 0 1 99 This door doesn't have a key hole! 6 68 0 1 98 A Door 6 61 0 1 99 This door is locked. 6 97 0 1 99 There are several small signs on the door: "Closed to the public!" "Do Not Enter" "Members Only!" "18 and older only!" 8 1 0 1 99 There are some large posters are either side of that door. 8 68 0 1 98 Posters 8 97 0 1 99 Impressive promotional announcements the size of movie posters are hung on both sides of the door. They read: 8 97 0 2 99 "Totally decadent! I was stunned!" 8 97 0 3 99 "I found myself in a sensuous frenzy!" 8 97 0 4 99 "an erotic ecstasy..." 8 97 0 5 99 "...even better than Cats!" 11 1 0 1 99 Green has always been your least favorite color of meat loaf. 11 68 0 1 98 Meat Loaf 12 1 0 1 1 Oh my gawd! 12 1 0 2 99 No, Larry! It's not what you think. Those are slender mushrooms, imported directly from the Klahanie mushroom cellars of Issaquah, Washington. 12 1 0 3 1 Oh, good! I was afraid they were turnips! 12 68 0 1 98 Mushrooms 13 1 0 1 99 Ah, lima bean uh, curd, ah, sauce, ...paste. 13 68 0 1 98 Lima Beans 14 1 0 1 99 The PMS Bouncy is pleased to offer fresh salad every day, even when they're at sea. 14 1 0 2 1 How do they do that? 14 1 0 3 99 Simple. The get the greens by snipping the sheep topiary on the top deck. 14 1 0 4 1 Oh. Greek salad! 14 68 0 1 98 Greek Salad 15 1 0 1 99 You've never tasted a cranberry-banana squash cous cous you didn't like. 15 1 0 2 1 I've never tasted any! 15 1 0 3 99 And that's the way it's going to stay! 15 68 0 1 98 Cous Cous 16 1 0 1 99 Ummmm. Just what you've been waiting for: broccoli yogurt with "tripe on the bottom!" From the people who brought you "s'Pork!" 16 1 0 2 1 I'll keep waiting! 16 68 0 1 98 Yogurt Delight 4 7 0 1 1 (SLURPING SOUNDS, THEN HOLD TONGUE WITH FINGERS) Hey. My tongue's stuck! Help! Help!! (RELEASE TONGUE) Ah. (BEAT) That wasn't worth it. 4 1 0 1 99 This ice sculpture of Captain Thygh as a mermaid is incredibly detailed... right down to her drippings. 4 1 0 2 1 (MOAN) Ouuuuhhh. 4 68 0 1 98 Ice Sculpture 1 92 0 1 99 You can't take that! 1 92 0 2 1 Why not? 1 92 0 3 99 'Cause that's "nacho" cheese! 1 92 0 4 1 (GROAN) Ooooh. 1 1 0 1 1 Hey, look! Mexican Cheese Dip! 1 68 0 1 98 Cheese Dip 1 8 0 1 98 2 92 0 1 99 Sorry. You prefer to take all your meals in your room. 2 92 0 2 1 I do not! 2 92 0 3 99 You do compared to some burly seaman busting your chops for swiping food from this buffet! 2 92 0 4 1 Ulp. You gotta point. 2 1 0 1 99 A wide variety of delicious foods has been prepared for all but the lowest-class passengers. 2 1 0 2 1 Which means me, right? 2 1 0 3 99 You're not as dumb as you used to be. 2 1 0 4 1 Thanks. Uh, hey? 2 68 0 1 98 Buffet 7 1 0 1 99 Many of the upperclass passengers are enjoying a delicious buffet meal right now. 7 68 0 1 98 Dining Tables 7 94 0 1 99 Burly sailors from throughout the ship are just waiting for a chance to enforce this dining room's new "No Dweebs" policy! 10 1 0 1 99 Once your uvula was red and inflamed, but then you had it whacked off. 10 1 0 2 1 Yeah, but at least I don't snore anymore! 10 1 0 3 99 Yes, but you don't snore any less, either! 10 68 0 1 98 Electric Uvula 18 1 0 1 99 R That's a special table serving hot meat. 18 68 0 1 98 Meat Carver 3 1 0 1 99 The hot meat serving station is presently unattended. 3 1 2 1 99 That's a special table serving hot meat. 3 68 0 1 98 Hot Meat

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6 5 0 1 99 Sharp! Slimy, but sharp! 6 1 0 1 99 This carving knife is extremely sharp, but it won't be sharp for long if Wang keeps using it to cut open his s'Pork cans! 6 68 0 1 98 Carving Knife 6 8 0 1 1 Since Wang's not looking, I may as well steal his knife. 6 8 0 2 99 Now that's logic! 6 8 5 1 7 (CHINESE) What?! Whoaa! Keep hands away. Knife sharp. My knife! Use knife make living, Joe! You no take knife. 2 5 0 1 1 Ouch! Hot. Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot. 2 1 0 1 99 This powerful heat lamp slowly blackens the outside of the s'Pork, generating a pungent acrid stench, distracting diners from the s'Pork's normal pungent acrid stench. 2 68 0 1 98 Heat Lamp 2 8 0 1 99 Okay, but first you'd better let it cool. (HUM, WHISTLE, KILL 5 SECONDS) Okay, now. 2 8 0 2 1 (IT'S STILL HOT AS HELL!) Ow! Oh! Uch! Ouch! Ulp! Ahnt! Hot hot hot hot hot! 2 8 0 3 99 In a masochistic, self-abusive sort of way you rather enjoyed that. 2 8 5 1 7 (CHINESE) Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Keep hands off. You burn self, okay? 2 117 0 1 99 The heat lamp's turn offs are bad hair days, and men who take too long. 2 62 0 1 1 Oh, baby. In this light, you look SO good.... 2 62 0 2 99 The lamp is already "turned on!" 5 1 0 1 99 This glass is called a sneezeguard, although you can't imagine why. 5 1 0 2 1 (SNEEZE) Ah-choo! 5 1 0 3 1 Oh, now I get it! 5 68 0 1 98 Sneezeguard 3 1 0 1 99 It's beneath the sneezeguard, and contempt. 3 68 0 1 98 s'Pork 3 8 3 1 99 You've had just about all the s'Pork you can take! 3 8 3 2 1 You mean, I'm full? 3 8 3 3 99 No, you've eaten all the s'Pork there is! 3 8 3 4 1 Oh. (Burp.) Good. 3 8 4 1 1 I think I'll have a hunk of your s'Pork. (SMACKING, MUNCHING, CRUNCHING SOUNDS) 3 8 4 2 5 This stuff is great! It's kinda like Spam, only not so expensive! 1 161 7 1 7 (CHINESE) Don't give nothing Wang. Wang here for s'Pork joke only. 1 161 9 1 7 No need give Wang nothing. Leave your Wang alone! 1 161 8 1 7 No, no, no, no, no, no. Give me nothing. Not deserving. Find big bust girl. Give her. She plenty good. 1 46 0 1 7 (IRISH) Well, now THAT'S an attractive preparation. Me Mother used to make that, bless her soul and garters. 1 43 0 1 7 (IRISH) You ARE quite the connoisseur, aren't you? 1 52 0 1 5 No, I'd better not. Why take a chance on losing my knife? 1 33 0 1 5 He may have noticed this was missing. Better not take any chances.... 1 17 0 1 7 Oh, I.D. not necessary, boss. Everybody can eat s'Pork free! 1 47 0 1 7 Good. Fruity. You like? 1 54 0 1 7 Put the jelly on the bread station. 1 45 0 1 7 Lime juice not good on s'Pork! 1 1 0 1 99 Wang is the PMS Bouncy's chief serving boy. 1 44 0 1 7 (CHINESE) Wang had penicillin shot just before boarding ship! 1 72 0 1 7 No tip Wang. 1 72 0 2 1 You mean you wouldn't accept my money, even if I insist? 1 72 0 3 7 (IRISH) No. Wang was refering to an old hunting injury! 1 68 0 1 98 Wang 1 49 0 1 7 Oh. My. Could improve flavor of s'Pork, though. 1 22 0 1 7 Wang legal. No need passport. (Not like SOME people 'round here!) 1 41 0 1 7 Got plenty pots in kitchen. Say... that pot from kitchen? 1 48 0 1 7 Food go over there. Not here. Hot dishes here. 1 74 0 1 7 1 42 0 1 7 No salt necessary. s'Pork salty already! 1 16 0 1 7 You big loser, eh? 1 4 10 1 1 Hello, Wang. 1 4 10 2 7 Hello. Custom made suit? Very fine. New? 1 4 2 1 1 Dang, Wang. That s'Pork IS tasty. How 'bout some more? 1 4 2 2 7 (CHINESE) Mmmmmm. s'Pork good, huh? (SERVES S'PORK) (MUMBLING TO SELF) (Dang Wang?) 1 4 2 3 7 (IRISH) Now be sure not to exceed the maximum daily allowance. Those warnings are on the can for a reason, y'know. 1 4 3 1 7 (CHINESE) Oh, no! Not enough s'Pork! Must get more. (TO LARRY) No touchy! 1 4 1 1 1 What are you serving? 1 4 1 2 7 (CHINESE) (BRUSQUE) We got s'Pork. Very best. You like. OK? 1 4 1 3 1 Pork? Yeah, that sounds good. 1 4 1 4 7 (IRISH) Jesus Mary and Joseph in a tiny canoe, are you deaf? It's S'PORK. 1 4 1 5 1 I heard you the first time. (SLOWLY) I'll take one serving, please. 1 4 1 6 7 (CHINESE) You got it, boss. No complain later, okee-dokee? (SERVES S'PORK) 1 4 1 7 1 My God, what IS that? 1 4 1 8 7 (IRISH) Like I've been tryin' ta tell you, it's S'PORK! 1 4 1 9 1 Ooohhh, the processed potted meat food product that tastes "as fresh as home-slaughtered." Just like Mom used to butcher. 1 4 1 10 7 (CHINESE) Very good, boss. Now, you go. 1 4 1 11 1 Hey, what's with the accent? 1 4 1 12 7 (IRISH) (SIGH) Ah... I knew I coul'na keep it up. I'm Chinese, ya see, but me parents were Buddhist missionaries, so I grew up in Ireland. People stare when I speak normally like this. So I've found it simpler just to sound like some bad Charlie Chan impersonator: (CHINESE) Too much talk. More people need s'Pork. (IRISH) Ya see? 4 87 0 1 99 Good idea. They're quite hot! 4 92 0 1 99 No one would eat those, if they knew how they were made. 4 92 0 2 1 So, please. Don't tell me! 4 92 0 3 99 No. You're still not going to get any! 4 92 0 4 1 I wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard that! 4 1 0 1 1 Is it safe to let your meat hang that way? 4 1 0 2 99 Yours is... oh, never mind. 4 1 0 3 1 Yeah. Too easy, huh? 4 68 0 1 98 Mystery Meat 4 88 0 1 99 You ARE sick! 4 8 0 1 99

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1 1 0 1 99 Strange. But these columns remind you of something. 1 68 0 1 98 Column 7 1 0 1 99 This button is clearly labeled, "Do not touch!" So naturally your curiosity is piqued. 7 68 0 1 98 Important Button 7 160 0 1 99 Are you sure? Okay... 3 1 0 1 99 Isn't that just about the worst thing you've ever seen?! 3 68 0 1 98 Giant Lava Lamp 2 1 0 1 99 This is the entrance to the ship's library. 2 68 0 1 98 Library Entrance 12 1 0 1 99 Those decks are reserved for "Leisure Suit Larry 8: Lust in Space!" Don't try going there THIS game. 12 68 0 1 98 Other Decks 9 1 0 1 99 The white courtesy telephone is here for the convenience of the passengers. 9 68 0 1 98 House Phone 6 1 0 1 99 Think what they must have paid to get a left-handed piano custom-built for their left-handed piano player! 6 1 8 1 99 When Lefty plays piano, it sounds like a jazz combo! 6 1 9 1 99 (IT'S A PIANO-PLAYING CHICKEN) When Lefty takes a break, his pecker entertains the crowds. 6 68 0 1 98 Lefty's Piano 11 1 0 1 99 Isn't a reflecting pool filled with chilled Champagne in the middle of a cruise ship one of the signs of the apocalypse? 11 68 0 1 98 Champagne Pool 11 77 0 1 99 Sure, you'd like to. But you can't from here. 11 77 0 2 1 Aw, man. And with that color, nobody'd ever know! 5 1 0 1 99 The Purser's Desk has a beautiful aquarium built into it; but what's that scuba diver doing in there?! 5 68 0 1 98 Purser's Desk 5 71 0 1 99 How you love the aroma of old fish tanks. 8 1 0 1 99 Peter, the ship's purser, resides behind this counter, ever eager for another opportunity to do whatever he can to help his passengers. 8 68 0 1 98 Peter the Purser 10 1 0 1 99 Now that's one great looking bush! 10 68 0 1 98 Bush 4 1 0 1 99 Strange, but now you have to go. 4 1 0 2 1 You mean, leave this area? 4 1 0 3 99 No. 4 1 0 4 1 Oh. 4 68 0 1 98 Waterfall 4 77 0 1 1

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2 0 0 1 21 Bowling balls may not be removed from the bowling competition area. 2 0 0 2 21 Dice may not be removed from the craps table area. 2 0 0 3 21 Horseshoes may not be removed from the horseshoe competition area. 2 0 0 4 21 Please deposit one dollar and 75 cents for each additional minute. 2 0 0 5 21 The white courtesy zones are for loading and unloading only. 2 1 0 1 99 The woman behind the Purser's Desk seems rather bored, except when she uses her airport PA announcer's voice. 2 68 0 1 98 Ship's Announcer 5 182 0 1 16 Purser's Desk. What do you want? 5 182 0 2 1 Yes. May I please have the Boning cabin? 5 182 0 3 16 (BORED) Connecting... 5 182 0 4 13 (CLICK) Hello. 5 182 0 5 1 Hello. Are you Boning? 5 182 0 6 13 We were... `til this damn phone rang! 5 182 8 1 16 Purser's Desk. Now what? 5 182 8 2 1 May I please have the Boning cabin? 5 182 8 3 16 (BORED) Connecting... 5 182 8 4 13 (CLICK) Hello. 5 182 8 5 1 Hello. May I speak with the lady of the cabin? 5 182 8 6 13 Look, sonny: you either stop calling or I'll have your ass thrown overboard! 5 186 0 1 99 There is no dial on this telephone. As soon as you pick it up, it rings the Purser's Desk. 5 70 0 1 99 Perhaps you should ask the purser that... in person. 5 1 0 1 99 This telephone will connect you to anywhere on the ship... as long as you go through the Purser first. 5 68 0 1 98 White Courtesy Telephone 5 122 0 1 16 Purser's Desk. Is this really important? 5 122 0 2 1 (BAD VOICE CHANGE) This is Agent Fritzlin with the SBI. Are you in charge? 5 122 0 3 16 Course I'm in charge. What the hell is the SBI? 5 122 0 4 1 Shipboard Bureau of Investigation. We're looking for the passport of one... (PRETEND TO CHECK NOTES) Laffer. Larry Laffer. Now listen carefully. Are you listening? 5 122 0 5 16 What? 5 122 0 6 1 Dammit man, pay attention! Laffer. Larry Laffer. Retrieve his passport from the ship's safe, place it in a plain brown manila envelope, seal it carefully, place a small pencil mark across the seal and leave it on the corner of your desk. Then leave your station and wait out of sight. One of my men will walk by in exactly 11 minutes. Synchronize watches on my mark: 5, 4, 5 122 0 7 16 Oh, just... right. I know who you are, okay? And I never, ever give up. 5 122 0 8 1 (TRIES AGAIN) 3, 2, 5 122 0 9 16 Nothing, do you understand!? You people lurk everywhere! 5 122 0 10 1 (REGULAR VOICE) 2, 1. (BEAT) Zero. 5 121 0 1 16 Purser's Desk. Now what? 5 121 0 2 1 Is there anywhere aboard ship where I could have a photo ID made? 5 121 0 3 16 Nice try, sweetie. 5 211 17 1 16 Purser's Desk. It's your quarter. 5 211 17 2 1 Could you page someone for me? 5 211 17 3 16 If I must. The name? 5 211 17 4 1 Mr. Maweeney. 5 211 17 5 16 I'm sorry, we have no one aboard by that name. 5 211 17 6 1 First name of Adolf. (REALIZING) Oh. Humph. Ruined a good joke. 5 211 18 1 16 Purser's Desk. 5 211 18 2 1 Hello. Could you page someone for me? 5 211 18 3 16 Oh all right. The party? 5 211 18 4 1 Miss Huginkiss. 5 211 18 5 16 We have no one aboard by that name. 5 211 18 6 1 First name, Amanda. (REALIZE) Oh. I hate that. 5 211 20 1 16 Purser's Desk. 5 211 20 2 1 Hi. Is there a bowling alley aboard ship? 5 211 20 3 16 Course, there is. This is a luxury liner! 5 211 20 4 1 Oh. Do you have luxurious, 10-pound balls? 5 211 20 5 16 Of course and I also have an upright pin! 5 211 20 6 1 Yeah, well then how can you walk straight... oh. 5 211 16 1 16 Purser's Desk, where we have absolutely nothing to do and do it religiously. 5 211 16 2 1 Hello. Yes. Do you have Prince Albert in a can? 5 211 16 3 16 No, we don't. 5 211 16 4 1 Well, let him out! (REALIZE JOKE DIDN'T WORK) Oh. 5 211 19 1 16 Purser's Desk. 5 211 19 2 1 Is your refrigerator running? 5 211 19 3 16 No. The ship cools everything with iceberg chips. 5 211 19 4 1 Well, why don't you... Oh. 5 211 15 1 16 Purser's Desk. 5 211 15 2 1 Hello. Could you page someone for me? 5 211 15 3 16 If I must. The party? 5 211 15 4 1 Mr. Butts. 5 211 15 5 16 Nice try, sweetie. 5 211 15 6 1 His first name is Seymour. (REALIZES) Oh. 7 68 0 1 98 Purser's Desk 1 0 2 1 16 Here's your keycard, Mr. Laffer. There's been a slight problem with your room. 1 0 2 2 1 I kinda expected that. 1 0 2 3 16 Oh, not to worry. I took the liberty of substituting our largest cabin. You'll have plenty of room. 1 0 2 4 1 Wow. That's super! Thanks. Now where would my room be? 1 0 2 5 16 Oh, just check the map. You're in Room Zero. 1 161 0 1 16 Are you trying to trick me? Did you think I'd fall for THAT?! Hah! I'm on to you! 1 46 0 1 1 Say, do you know where I could find a recipe using beaver cheese? 1 46 0 2 16 You are so sick. You think I don't know what you're up to? Well, you just go back and tell your buddies we know all about it! 1 43 0 1 1 Do you know how to turn beaver milk into beaver cheese? 1 43 0 2 16 You are one sick puppy, do you know that? Your CIA mind control tricks will not work on me! I'm on to you, like white on rice. 1 182 0 1 1 I'm interested in Boning? 1 182 0 2 16 I'm your boy! 1 182 0 3 1 No, no. I mean, I want to find out about a passenger NAMED Boning. 1 182 0 4 16 (DISAPPOINTED) Damn. I never give out information to the public. Even Boning ones. 1 28 0 1 16 Oh! Not me! 1 171 0 1 1 Where could I find a cabin boy? 1 171 0 2 16 I don't know where the cabin boys go. Maybe one of the other employees knows. Stop bugging me with your personal problems. I'm only here to serve our passengers. 1 171 0 3 1 But I AM a passenger. 1 171 0 4 16 See! There you go again! 1 52 0 1 16 Oh, don't you threaten me! You hear me? I have friends. And they know where you sleep at night, honey. 1 34 0 1 16 How gauche! 1 32 0 1 16 Eiuuu! Bar-be-que? Not moi. 1 30 0 1 16 You take that right back where you got it before I call security, little man. And I don't want to ever hear of you stealing ship's possessions again! 1 86 0 1 1 Okay. See you around. 1 86 0 2 16 And just what do you mean by that?! 1 55 0 1 16 Nice. Silky. But I shan't accept gifts from you. 1 33 0 1 16 Wouldn't be easier just to lie out in the sun by the nude pool? 1 70 22 1 16 My job has nothing to do with that. (SUSPICIOUSLY) Say... what are you driving at? 1 70 24 1 16 It would not be prudent of me to talk about that. 1 70 23 1 16 I have no idea what you are talking about. 1 70 25 1 16 I don't think you're supposed to know about that. 1 70 26 1 16 If you have to ask, then you don't need to know! 1 58 0 1 16 Would you like to me place this in our "Lost and Found?" 1 58 0 2 1 Uh, no thanks. I'll just keep looking for its owner. 1 58 0 3 16 As you wish. But you'll never get her room number out of me! 1 17 0 1 16 Yes, this IS the card I gave you. Use it to unlock your cabin door... but don't use it on ME! 1 17 21 1 1 Could I use this as an ID? 1 17 21 2 16 Does it have your photo on it? 1 17 21 3 1 Um... no. 1 17 21 4 16 Then it's not a photo ID, Einstein. 1 47 0 1 16 Don't you just love the name? Come. Quat. It's what I named my Pekinese. 1 47 0 2 1 Kumquat? 1 47 0 3 16 No, silly. That would be redundant. Just "Quat." 1 47 0 4 1 Let me guess... 1 47 0 5 16 ...when I call him, I feel fruity all over! 1 147 0 1 1 Do you know where I could get a kumquat? 1 147 0 2 16 (INTRIGUED) What did you say? 1 147 0 3 1 (SLOWLY, DISTINCTLY) Kum-quat. 1 147 0 4 16 (DISAPPOINTED) Oh. I dunno. 1 147 0 5 1 Once again, thanks for your (lack of) help. 1 147 0 6 16 (UNDER BREATH) Slut. 1 54 0 1 16 Is that my tube? No, too little. 1 184 0 1 1 I'm a little worried about the charges on my account. Could you check my balance for me? 1 184 0 2 16 Of course. Wait here, I'll be right back. 1 184 0 3 16 Your account is almost nothing, unless you count the $381 from the bar. 1 184 0 4 16 Your account is miniscule; only $5,002 dollars. 1 184 0 5 16 Your account is next to nothing; only $19,123 dollars. 1 184 0 6 16 Oh, it's nothing so far; slightly under $50,000. 1 184 0 7 16 I wouldn't worry; it seems Captain Thygh has flagged your account. 1 184 0 8 1 Hey, thanks, Butch. 1 18 0 1 16 Oh, I like it. May I keep a copy? Or, better yet, let me scan it and upload it into my Web Page! 1 18 0 2 1 (DISGUSTED) Eoow! Gag me with a spoon. 1 45 0 1 16 Don't think I'm not onto you. I heard about your lime juice alteration experiments when I visited Roswell. 1 1 0 1 99 The Ship's Purser is a paranoid, ultra-suspicious, conspiracy theory expounding, over-the-top, gay bureaucrat, stationed here off the main lobby. 1 56 0 1 16 Oh, I've got a drawer full of these! 1 84 0 1 1 I'm looking for the LoveMaster. 1 84 0 2 16 Here I am, stud puppy! 1 84 0 3 1 Ugh. Get me a flea bath! 1 73 0 1 16 No, thanks. I'll stick to GQ. 1 23 0 1 5 I'd better not. What if he takes it away from me? 1 72 0 1 16 No. I'll never take money from the likes of you! Do you hear me?! NEVER!! 1 151 0 1 1 Exactly where IS my cabin? 1 151 0 2 16 Look at the complimentary map we gave you. Just pull down the Game menu (located near the upper left corner of your game window) or click your mouse's right button. I think you'll find it a delightful way to move around. 1 68 0 1 98 Purser Peter 1 210 0 1 1 Could you tell me who that old man is, in the wheelchair, I've seen around the ship? 1 210 0 2 16 You seem to ask too many questions. Did you notice that? What are you up to? 1 210 0 3 1 What? Why, nothing. To tell the truth, I was really interested in his nurse, the woman who is with him. 1 210 0 4 16 I'm not sure you can be trusted. You're one of THEM, aren't you? 1 210 0 5 1 Them? 1 210 0 6 16 I'm on to you now! 1 49 0 1 16 I gave this up a few years back. 1 22 0 1 16 Would you like me to lock that up for you in our vault? 1 22 0 2 1 No. In fact, hell no! 1 122 0 1 1 I'd like my passport, please. I'm Larry; Larry Laffer. 1 122 0 2 16 Impossible. Absolutely impossible. Nope. Not allowed. 1 122 0 3 1 What do you mean, "not allowed?" Why not? It's MY passport. I should be able to get back my passport at any time! 1 122 0 4 16 (SQUEALS) Uuuuuoooh. Mr. Big Tough Guy! Don't beat me! Please. (SOTTO VOCE) Well, on second thought, you can go ahead and beat me! (NORMAL) Okay. I don't care. You can have it back. Just show me your identification. 1 122 0 5 1 My passport IS my identification! 1 122 0 6 16 (NOW SNITTY) I must see some form of photographic identification or no passport. Those are my rules. 1 122 0 7 1 You're making this up as you go along, right? 1 122 0 8 16 Sorry. No photo ID. No passport. 1 122 0 9 1 Let me see if I understand this: to get back my photo ID I have to show you my photo ID. 1 122 0 10 16 Don't bother me with details. 1 132 0 1 1 I'd like to talk to you about one of your employees. 1 132 0 2 16 Yes, sir? I have nothing to do of importance. Why don't you just waste my time berating the innocent help? 1 132 0 3 1 You see, it's that "Peggy" woman, that deckhand upstairs. 1 132 0 4 16 (SUDDENLY CONCERNED) Oh? Oh, HER! Oh, I'm so sorry, sir. I'll talk to her. We've had quite a few complaints... 1 132 0 5 1 I was only wondering if she was really a pirate. 1 132 0 6 16 Never you mind, sir. I'll give her a severe tongue-lashing. Right away. 1 132 0 7 5 Now that's an ugly picture! 1 21 0 1 1 I'd like my passport, please. 1 21 0 2 16 What for? You have no need for it here aboard ship. 1 21 0 3 1 Look, here's my photo ID. That's what you said you needed, right? Now be a nice little puckered pandering purser and procure my passport. PRONTO! 1 21 0 4 16 (BEATEN) Yes, sir! (UNDER BREATH) Bitch! 1 21 0 5 16 Here you are. Do not lose it! There are many nafarious types roaming this ship, all of them mooching ill-gotten booty such as this from our unsuspecting guileless guests. 1 21 0 6 1 I doubt that. You're just paranoid. 1 21 0 7 16 Oh, thank you, sir. We ranking officers can never get enough insults from (FADE AWAY) lowly passenger scum. 1 121 0 1 1 Is there anywhere aboard ship where I could get a photo ID made? 1 121 0 2 16 Right. Like I'm going to HELP you steal poor Mr. Laffer's passport. 1 121 0 3 1 (FRUSTRATED AS ALL GET OUT) But I AM Mr. Laffer! 1 121 0 4 16 That's yet to be proven, hunkie. 1 121 0 5 1 Oooooooh. 1 53 0 1 16 Oh, my. That's so... so... 70's! 1 153 0 1 1 Is there a fabric store aboard ship? 1 153 0 2 16 No, but if you come to my cabin, I'll let you rub some filmy underthings! 1 153 0 3 1 Ah... tempting, but ah, no thanks. 1 48 0 1 16 Real men may not eat that, but I sure wouldn't mind taking a nibble! 1 74 0 1 16 1 35 0 1 16 There's not even a "remote" possibility I could help you out with that thing. What is it? 1 136 0 1 1 I'd like to complain about my room. 1 136 0 2 16 You and everyone else. You're lucky you have a room. It's weirdo's like you that spoil everything for the rest of us normal folks. 1 136 0 3 1 Hey. Back off, Buck-o. 1 136 0 4 16 Yes, that IS my favorite position. And while you think you're big stuff now, you just wait until we're in charge. Then you'll be singing a different tune. Then you'll be glad to even HAVE a room! 1 136 0 5 1 What in the hell is wrong with you? 1 136 0 6 16 Oh, I think you know well enough: The CIA put mind-control drugs in puce house paint, and now all the interior decorators are under their control. I can't stand it! 1 16 0 1 16 May I hurt you? 1 16 0 2 1 What did you say? 1 16 0 3 16 (EXACTLY SAME TONE AS EARLIER) May I help you? What did you think I said? 1 16 0 4 1 Oh, it doesn't matter. 1 16 0 5 16 You've got THAT right. So, you gonna ask your stupid question, or shall we continue exchanging banalities? 1 16 0 6 1 Peter... (And may I call you Pete?), you've got an attitude problem, don't you? 1 16 0 7 16 Peter will be fine. And that's totally uncalled for. In fact, you are uncalled for! 1 16 0 8 1 What? 1 16 0 9 16 I said, you have no phone messages. What did you think? 1 16 0 10 1 Hmm. Look: I just want to know one thing. 1 16 0 11 16 (UNDER BREATH) Yeah, THIS time. 1 16 0 12 1 Did you say something? 1 16 0 13 16 Who, moi? No. Please continue. This is SO fascinating. 1 16 0 14 1 I forgot what I was asking about. 1 16 0 15 16 There's a blessing. 1 16 0 16 1 Oh, now I remember. 1 16 0 17 16 Great. I can't wait. 1 16 0 18 1 Yeah, uh, Pete, you know that scorecard you gave us at the meeting? 1 16 0 19 16 Peter. Yes. 1 16 0 20 1 What do I do with that? 1 16 0 21 16 (UNDER BREATH) Holy Merde. (NORMAL) That's how you trigger the various contests, sweetheart. Give it to the judge, or insert it into the machine (slowly), or scan it with the scanner. (UNDER) As if it'll make any difference! 1 16 0 22 1 What? 1 16 0 23 16 Good luck. And please let me know when you'd like to interrupt my busy day again. 1 10 0 1 99 Oh, you bought the wrong game. You're looking for "Leisure Suit Bruce!" 1 20 0 1 16 This photograph is all sticky. Do you want me to throw it away? 1 20 0 2 1 Oh, no. I'll keep it. 1 185 0 1 1 May I use your telephone? 1 185 0 2 16 (SNITTY) No. This telephone is for official Purser's Desk business only. You must use the telephone on that pole, over there. 1 15 0 1 1 I'm really looking forward to meeting Captain Thygh. Will she be holding some sort of formal dinner or banquet? 1 15 0 2 16 You must be joking. It's all I can do to make room service keep her cabin in oysters! 1 37 0 1 16 Complaining to me about the quality of this will do you no good. In fact, I rather like its coarse nature, its rough-hewn naturalism, its...(INTERRUPTED) 1 37 0 2 1 (INTERRUPTING) Never mind! 1 167 0 1 1 I'm looking for that cabin boy, X-lax, or whatever his name is. 1 167 0 2 16 Oh, sure. I'll leave him a note. He'll get to it...never! 6 1 0 1 99 This button displays the Last Number Dialed on the telephone's liquid crystal display. 6 68 0 1 98 LND Button 6 160 6 1 99 6 160 4 1 99 4 0 0 1 99 You'd better not let the Purser catch you messing with his telephone. 4 186 0 1 99 You don't really want to use this phone to make a call. You could get caught. 4 1 0 1 99 The purser's telephone is a standard office model, complete with L-C-D and L-N-D. 4 1 0 2 1 What does that mean? 4 1 0 3 99 A "liquid crystal display" and a "last number dialed" button. You aren't good with T-L-As! 4 1 0 4 1 (I'm better with T and A!) T-L-A's? 4 1 0 5 99 Three Letter Abbreviations. 4 68 0 1 98 Purser's Phone 4 187 6 1 99 Good idea. That will tell you the last number the Purser dialed. 4 187 6 2 1 Hell? Wow. He must be calling my Internet provider! 4 187 6 3 99 That's 1134, Larry! You're reading it upside-down! 4 187 6 4 1 Oh. Yeah. I knew that. 4 187 4 1 99 Good idea. 4 187 4 2 1 GO OIL? Yeah, that's real helpful. What in the hell good does THAT do me? 4 187 4 3 99 Larry, the phone's upside-down! 4 187 4 4 1 And your point is... 4 187 4 5 99 That's 71009. The Boning's phone number is 7, 1, oh, oh, 9. 4 187 4 6 1 I knew that. 4 187 4 7 99 The 7 indicates a guest room on this ship. 1009 is their room number. 4 187 4 8 1 Oh. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, that COULD be helpful. 4 187 5 1 99 You already did that. They're in room 1009! 4 187 5 2 1 Geez. Grouch! 3 1 0 1 99 Purser Peter places 'portant people's pertinent phone calls and patches perturbed passengers' phone problems via this phone. 3 1 14 1 98 (SWITCH TO CU VIEW OF PHONE) 3 68 0 1 98 Purser's Phone

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16 1 0 1 98 (JUST GO TO CLOSEUP) 16 68 0 1 98 David's Foot 18 1 0 1 99 David appears to be holding two jacks and a club. 18 68 0 1 98 Foot O' David 3 1 0 1 99 The Pair o' Dice Casino is the proud possessor of the world's largest replica of Michaelangelo's David made entirely from used playing cards. 3 68 0 1 98 David o' Cards 6 1 0 1 99 Doors? In a casino? (PAUSE) Radical! 6 68 0 1 98 Casino Doors 9 1 0 1 99 Clasping quite a "Pair o' Dice" her own self, Lady Luck stands ready to "shower" riches on all those who pass beneath her. 9 68 0 1 98 Lady Luck 14 1 0 1 99 This is all that remains of Bob Bitt's once-proud Venus.... I hope you're happy. 14 68 0 1 98 Rubble 1 1 2 1 99 The scaffold may look rickety, but in fact, it's INCREDIBLY rickety! Is your life insurance paid up? 1 1 2 2 5 Ehhnh? (WHO CARES?) What's the point of life insurance when you're your own beneficiary!? 1 1 1 1 99 Bob Bitt the sculptor wouldn't appreciate you climbing up his scaffold and disturbing him while he's completing his masterpiece. 1 68 0 1 98 Rickety Scaffold 4 38 2 1 99 Taunt Sculptor Bob with the very weapon of his demise? Suddenly, larry Laffer, your cruel side begins to show! 4 1 2 1 99 Sculptor Bob seems more than just a little distraught. He'd prefer to be alone... with his shattered dreams. 4 1 0 1 99 Bob Bitt the sculptor is hard at work, putting the finishing touches on his masterpiece, the Venus o' Dice. 4 68 0 1 98 Bob Bitt 4 4 2 1 99 Why would he want to talk to you, his nemesis? 4 4 1 1 1 Hello? Excuse me? Mr. Sculptor, sir? (TO SELF) Guess he's busy. 11 1 0 1 99 "Pardon our DICE!" 11 68 0 1 98 A Sign 12 1 0 1 99 "Progress ROLLS on!" 12 68 0 1 98 Another Sign 13 1 0 1 99 "We're SHAKIN' things up 4 U!" 13 68 0 1 98 A Sign of Things to Come 19 1 0 1 99 19 68 0 1 98 5 1 4 1 99 Yes, that iron spike is protruding through the casino lobby ceiling. 5 1 5 1 99 Yes, the Juggs' chase lights are still wrapped around the iron spike. You pretend to be proud of yourself. 5 1 0 1 99 From way down here, it's difficult to be sure, but there may be a metal spike protruding through the ceiling. 5 68 0 1 98 Spike 7 1 0 1 99 This is Han-Ja-Ub, the tiki god of war. Look at the rage and bloodlust in his eyes. 7 68 0 1 98 Left Tiki 8 1 0 1 99 This is Bloh-Ja-Ub, the tiki god of love. Look at his warm, smiling expression. 8 68 0 1 98 Right Tiki 17 1 0 1 99 The David o' Cards is no "house of cards." It's glued tightly together. 17 68 0 1 98 Big Toe o' David 17 8 0 1 5 (SNEAKY) Nobody will ever miss a couple of these playing cards. 17 8 0 2 5 Darn. Glued tight! 15 1 0 1 99 This closer look reveals the Venus o' Dice hasn't been completely glued together yet. 15 68 0 1 98 Big Toe o' Venus 15 8 0 1 5 (SNEAKY) Nobody will ever miss a couple of these dice. 15 8 0 2 5 (AS THE VENUS CRUMBLES TO THE GROUND; SOFTLY, HOPING NO ONE NOTICES) Ooooops. 10 1 0 1 98 (JUST GO TO CLOSEUP) 10 68 0 1 98 Venus's Foot 2 1 0 1 99 The world's largest Venus de Milo replica constructed entirely from used casino dice stands before you, nearly complete. 2 68 0 1 98 Venus o' Dice

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0 0 5 1 5 (SCARED OF HEIGHTS) Uhhhh-wooooahhhh! I don't think I've ever been THIS high before! 0 0 5 2 99 Oh, yeah? What about that time in college? 0 0 5 3 5 Well. Yeah. But... I didn't inhale! 0 35 2 1 1 (CHOKING VIA MEDALLION CHAIN) Arrgggh! Cough, sputter, gag. 4 1 0 1 99 The scaffold looks even more rickety from up here! A little nameplate on one rail reads: "Humpty Dumpty Erection." 4 1 0 2 5 So, you really gonna just leave that line hanging there? 4 1 0 3 99 Shooting fish in a barrel. No challenge. 4 68 0 1 98 Scaffold 3 1 0 1 99 A flathead screwdriver lies on top of the sculptor's toolbox. 3 68 0 1 98 Screwdriver 1 34 0 1 5 I think I can just barely reach it from here.... 1 5 0 1 99 The only reason you want to feel that is because you expect to hear something about "long and hard," right? 1 5 0 2 99 Sorry. 1 1 2 1 99 The chase light-wrapped steel spike would look sorta Christmas-y if it were green and cone-shaped and sticking up through the floor, but instead, it's steel and pointy and sticking down through the ceiling. 1 1 0 1 99 From up here it's easy to see a large steel spike has been driven right through the ship's deck from above. 1 68 0 1 98 Steel Spike 2 1 4 1 99 This toolbox is filled with all the tools your modern dice sculptor needs. There once was a screwdriver right on top. 2 1 3 1 99 This toolbox is filled with all the tools your modern dice sculptor needs. There's a screwdriver right on top. 2 68 0 1 98 Bob Bitt's Toolbox 2 8 4 1 99 Sorry, Larry, but all you need is the screwdriver. 2 8 4 2 5 Ah, remember back at La Costa Lotta? 2 8 4 3 99 You mean, in "Leisure Suit Larry 6: Shape Up or Slip Out!", Sierra's first SVGA adventure game that they've just recently included in your "Greatest Hits...and Misses!" collection? 2 8 4 4 5 Yeah, there! 2 8 4 5 99 So? 2 8 4 6 5 There I needed to take TWO tools! 2 8 4 7 99 Well, you don't here. 2 8 4 8 5 Oh, yeah? How do you know? 2 8 4 9 99 (PROUDLY) I peeked ahead in the script. 2 8 4 10 5 Oh.... (HE GOT YOU THERE!) (BEAT) So tell me: do I get laid? 2 8 4 11 99 Not that much! 2 8 3 1 98 (JUST TAKE THE SCREWDRIVER)

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0 0 3 1 25 Drinks, anyone? 0 0 3 2 26 (IN UNISON) Martini. Shaken, not stirred. 0 0 3 3 26 (IN UNISON) Martini. Shaken, not stirred. 0 0 3 4 26 (IN UNISON) Martini. Shaken, not stirred. 0 0 3 5 26 (IN UNISON) Martini. Shaken, not stirred. 0 0 3 6 33 Can I get some bean dip here? 0 0 3 7 34 Mutter. Ugh. Moan. No! 1 1 0 1 99 Yes, these blackjack tables do look inviting, but you played enough blackjack when you were in Lost Wages, as documented in "Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of The Lounge Lizards," available at sleazier software stores everywhere in the great Sierra collectors edition: "Leisure Suit Larry's Greatest Hits...and Misses!". 1 68 0 1 98 Blackjack Tables 1 79 0 1 99 Just the thought of going near a blackjack table is more than you can stand ever since you played too much in "Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge Lizards," available now at a very reasonable price as part of the "SierraOriginals" line of bargain-priced software, at sexier software stores wherever the stock boys haven't swiped it yet. 2 1 2 1 99 For some reason, the craps table now stands strangely empty, just waiting for you to step up and lose your money. 2 1 1 1 99 You've wanted to play craps ever since you visited Lost Wages, way back in "Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge Lizards," just one of the many great games available in Sierra's handsome collectors' edition, "Leisure Suit Larry's Greatest Hits...and Misses!" available wherever fine software is re-shrink-wrapped in the back room, even though they never admit that's what they do! 2 1 1 2 1 Yeah. Too bad the table's full. 2 68 0 1 98 Craps Table 2 79 1 1 1 2 79 5 1 99 You have plenty of money already, Larry. Besides, this isn't about the money. 2 79 5 2 1 But I could always use more. 2 79 5 3 99 No. You'll just fritter it away. This game's about women, Lawrence. You're a lover, not a plutocrat. 2 79 5 4 1 Yeah, I guess so. I don't even like dogs. 2 79 4 1 98 (GO TO MEDIUM SHOT) 2 79 6 1 99 You have no need for money, Larry. 2 79 6 2 1 Maybe not, but with these dice, I could be a rich man! 2 79 6 3 99 Yes, but wouldn't that spoil the irony of all this? 2 79 6 4 1 What irony? 2 79 6 5 99 Oh, come now. Surely you noticed you were immediately cheated out of the money you cheated to get. 2 79 6 6 1 Damn. I get it now. Man, I love stuff like that! 2 79 6 7 99 Yeah. Pretty cool, huh? "Crime does not pay!" At least, at these levels! 2 79 6 8 1 Whoa. Heavy, dude. 4 1 2 1 99 The croupier stands there, listless and bored. Perhaps you could cheer him up by losing a big wad of dough. 4 1 1 1 99 Even with a full table, the croupier looks dissatisfied with life. 4 68 0 1 98 Croupier 4 4 1 1 1 Excuse me. 4 4 1 2 27 No talking, monsieur. Game in progress. 4 4 5 1 99 4 4 4 1 99 4 4 6 1 1 3 1 0 1 99 The craps table is filled with men in tuxedos. There's something familar about them, but you just can't put your finger on what it is. 3 68 0 1 98 Dapper Gentlemen 3 4 0 1 1 (THE NEXT EIGHT MESSAGES ARE THE SAME, BUT USED RANDOMLY; LARRY TRIES TO CLEAR A PLACE AT THE CRAPS TABLE) Um, do you suppose you guys could make room for me? (BEAT) Please? (BEAT) Pretty please? (GROWL IN FRUSTRATION) 3 4 0 2 1 Look! Matlock! (NO REACTION) Darn. 3 4 0 3 1 Hey, didn't your mother teach you to share? (BEAT, THEN UNDER BREATH) Guess not. 3 4 0 4 1 Hey, ah, I hear there's free drinks at the blackjack tables! (BEAT, THEN DISCOURAGED) Of course, there's free drinks here, too... 3 4 0 5 1 What's a guy gotta do to play some craps around here? (BEAT) (TO SELF) Well, whatever it is, I'm not doing it. 3 4 0 6 1 Don't you guys have a home? (BEAT) Guess not. 3 4 0 7 1 I hear the baccarat here is excellent. (BEAT) No? Guess not. 3 4 0 8 1 I'm gonna hold my breath until you let me play craps. (NOISILY HOLD BREATH FOR ABOUT 3 SECONDS, THEN LET IT OUT) ...or until I feel like I'm gonna die. 9 1 0 1 1 Disco will never die! 9 1 0 2 99 If there's a God, it will! 9 68 0 1 98 Disco Balls 10 1 0 1 99 This escalator leads to the lower casino and a hallway stretching back into the distance. 10 68 0 1 98 Escalator 7 81 0 1 99 There's nothing at the top of the palm tree. (BEAT) But isn't typing fun? 7 1 0 1 99 That palm looks a little hairy. 7 1 0 2 1 I wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard that! 7 68 0 1 98 Palm 6 1 0 1 99 Those slots just remind you of the slots back in Lost Wages, as chronicled in "Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge Lizards," available everywhere that stores wrap your purchase in plain brown paper. 6 68 0 1 98 Slot Machines 6 79 0 1 99 You have no desire to play the slots now; you had your fill of slot machines in "Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge Lizards," available by mail order directly from Sierra, if you borrow your parents' credit card! 11 1 0 1 99 You doubt seriously if those umbrellas are real grass. 11 68 0 1 98 Table 12 1 0 1 99 (SNOW JOB & REAM JOB) It's Sno-Ja-Ub and Reem-Ja-Ub, those lovable, crazy, happy-go-lucky alcoholic tiki brothers. They had their own series on Fox one week. 12 68 0 1 98 Tiki 12 10 0 1 99 They're not THAT lovable, crazy and happy-go-lucky! 8 7 0 1 99 It tastes kinda lava-y. Linda Lava-y. 8 1 0 1 99 The Pair o' Dice casino has chosen a unique way to display the grand prize in the progressive slot machine challenge: Carcano! 8 68 0 1 98 Carcano 8 10 0 1 99 There's something going on here that would make Freud urp! 5 80 0 1 99 Perhaps you can do that tonight, after you've fallen asleep. 5 7 0 1 99 Only in your dreams, Larry. 5 1 0 1 99 My, oh my. Five tons of voluptuousness packed into a five-pound outfit. 5 68 0 1 98 Waitress 5 10 0 1 99 Larry! Do we have a tiny problem with impulse control? 5 8 0 1 25 Oh, TAKE me, Larry. TAKE me now! 5 8 0 2 99 (YEAH, RIGHT, GOOFBALL) And then... you wake up. 5 4 0 1 1 Oh, miss? 5 4 0 2 25 I'm sorry, sir. I only take drink orders from the craps table.

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0 0 9 1 27 You can't leave with the dice, sir. Either roll them or give them back to me and cancel your bet. House rules, you know. 0 0 12 1 27 What? Save your game? Are you trying to cheat? 0 0 12 2 1 (LIKE THE LYING GUY IN THE BUD LIGHT COMMERCIAL) Uh, no, I'm not. 0 0 12 3 20 (American asshole.) 2 40 0 1 1 On second thought, I don't think I'll bet after all. 2 40 0 2 27 Certainly, sir. I'll cancel the charge to your room. 2 40 0 3 1 How 'bout if I just cash in these chips instead? 2 40 0 4 27 I'm so sorry, sir. I can only pay your winnings in cash. House rules, you know. 2 40 0 5 20 (American asshole.) 2 39 0 1 1 Mind if I use my own dice? 2 39 0 2 27 I'm sorry, sir. Your dice appear to be acceptable, but you must use the dice we provide. House rules, you know. 2 39 0 3 20 (American asshole.) 2 38 0 1 1 May I use these dice? 2 38 0 2 27 I'm sorry, sir. You may only use the dice I give you. House rules, you know. 2 38 0 3 20 (Yankee asshole.) 2 1 0 1 99 The croupier's name tag may say "Jacques," but his look says, "I get paid whether you play or not... asshole." 2 68 0 1 98 Jacques, le Croupier 2 4 0 1 1 So, Jacques... what's your name? 2 4 0 2 27 Jacques. 2 4 0 3 20 (American asshole.) 1 40 1 1 1 Come on! Baby needs a new pair of platform shoes! 1 40 1 2 5 (LOSES) Oh! 1 40 2 1 1 I can feel Lady Luck comin' on! 1 40 2 2 5 (LOSES) Guess she went right past me. 1 40 3 1 1 Oooh, these dice are hot, hot, hot! 1 40 3 2 5 (LOSES) But I'm cold, cold, cold. 1 40 4 1 1 I GOTTA win sometime! 1 40 4 2 5 (LOSES) And that time isn't now. 1 40 5 1 1 I'm a dice-rolling machine! 1 40 5 2 5 (LOSES) Guess I need a tune-up. 1 40 10 1 1 Here it comes. Here it comes! 1 40 10 2 5 (LOSES) There it goes! There it goes. 1 40 11 1 1 My luck has gotta change this time! 1 40 11 2 5 (LOSES) Yeah, it changed. It got worse! 1 39 8 1 1 C'mon, lil' dogies! (Ruff, ruff!) Don't lemme down! 1 39 8 2 1 (WINS) Yeeeeeeip-pee! Let 'em ride, fella! 1 39 8 3 1 (MORE ENTHUSIASTIC) I'm rollin' now! 1 39 8 4 1 (WINS) Yes! Let 'em build! 1 39 8 5 1 (YOU'RE HOT NOW!) Finally, I'm gettin' lucky!! 1 39 8 6 1 (WINS; NOT TOO BIG) Look at those stacks! 1 39 8 7 5 (DEWMI MOORE ENTERS FRAME) Oh, my gawd! Look at THOSE stacks! 1 39 8 8 2 Hello, handsome. I'm Dewmi Moore. 1 39 8 9 1 (TAKEN ABACK) Ulp! Who me? Oh, I'm Larry; Larry Laffer. 1 39 8 10 2 I couldn't help but notice how lucky you are tonight. 1 39 8 11 1 (PROUDLY) Well... tonight, yeah! 1 39 8 12 2 Would you like to go to my cabin... for a "more intimate" dice game? 1 39 8 13 5 Hubba, hubba. (Hope I have a rubba!) 1 39 8 14 1 Sure. What is it? 1 39 8 15 2 Strip liar's dice. You do know how to play strip liar's dice, don't you, Larry? 1 39 8 16 1 Sure! 1 39 8 17 5 No, but I'm willin' to learn! 1 39 8 18 1 Where's your cabin? 1 39 8 19 2 It's 510. I'll go get the dice and the cups! 1 39 8 20 5 (BEWILDERED) You mean, I gotta wear a cup?! 1 39 8 21 2 Hurry, Larry! I just can't wait to... "up your ante!" 1 39 8 22 1 (MOAN SOFTLY) Oooh. 1 39 8 23 1 (Whimpers) Oooooh. 1 39 13 1 1 Come on, my little ivory imps! Let's do it again! 1 39 13 2 1 Yes! 1 39 13 3 1 Once more! 1 39 13 4 1 Yes, yes, yes! 1 39 13 5 27 And merci! Thank you for playing craps with Jacques, sir. Au revoir. 1 39 13 6 1 What? Hey! Gimme the dice. I'm not quitting. I want to bet again! 1 39 13 7 27 Oh, no. There's a limit of three winning rolls per customer. House rules, you know. Here's your winnings. Bonne nuit. Good night. Good luck. 1 39 13 8 1 But... but... I've never heard of such a thing! 1 39 13 9 27 Well, you see... it's all part of our policy to share the table with those less fortunate unlucky souls. But... feel free to come back again... later. 1 39 13 10 20 (American asshole.) 1 38 0 1 27 Hold it... right there! You cannot use those dice. They have glue on them. What are you trying to pull? 1 38 0 2 1 Oh, well, um, pull? Nothing. No, see these are my lucky dice, yeah. I always carry 'em with me. I was just rubbing them for good luck. 1 38 0 3 27 Uh, huh. Oui, oui. 1 38 0 4 20 (American asshole.) 1 1 0 1 99 The craps table is a confusing mess of different betting areas. You have no idea what they represent. 1 1 0 2 1 I guess I'll just put it all on "Come!" Heh, heh. 1 68 0 1 98 Craps Table 1 79 7 1 1 Let's go again. Another hundred on "come." Well, I mean, the "come line." You know, the line with... yeah. 1 79 7 2 27 No problem. 1 79 7 3 20 (Yankee asshole.) 1 79 6 1 1 Here's my Thygh's Man Trophy scorecard. Charge a hundred smackers worth of chips to my room, will ya, bub? I feel lucky! 1 79 6 2 27 Of course, sir. 1 79 6 3 1 Put it all on "come." With a name like that, how can I lose? 1 79 6 4 27 Yes sir. Right away. Here are your dice. 1 79 6 5 20 (American asshole.) 1 79 14 1 5 What's wrong with me? I already have chips. It's time to roll them bones, babe! 1 79 15 1 99 Even though you've "cleared" the table, you can't enter the Thygh's Man Trophy craps-playing competition without a Thygh's Man Trophy scorecard. You'd better get up to the lounge pronto, Tonto! The meeting's starting right now!

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5 1 0 1 99 There are several notices posted on the employees' bulletin board, along with photographs of gamblers no longer permitted in the casino. 5 68 0 1 98 Bulletin Board 5 97 0 1 98 (cut to pic 382. Bulletin Board C. U. ) 5 97 1 1 99 Attention: Dealers Special seminar: dealing from the bottom of the deck made easy, Saturday, 3AM, ship's lounge! 5 97 1 2 99 Pit Bosses: If they can't take a joke, BAR 'em! 5 97 1 3 99 My kid can beat your kid at craps. 5 97 1 4 99 Fall Lecture Series: Fleecing the chump! Sign up now. 5 97 1 5 99 Dealers: hear a lecture next layover by our visiting gambling specialist, Willy the Goon entitled: "Widows? Orphans? Fools!" 5 97 1 6 99 Attention Croupiers: It has come to the attention of management that cheaters have been using shaved dice. These dice look completely innocent, except one face has been shaved with sandpaper, making them win every time. This is bad for business! Even worse: these dice are undetectable to the naked eye. (EMPHASISE IRONY:) So as soon as you see them, confiscate them. Deposit them in the bowl below. 5 97 1 7 99 Peggy: Your prints are ready. Signed, X 12 1 0 1 99 There's nothing in the cabinets. 12 68 0 1 98 Cabinets 14 1 0 1 99 Wow! Nice pair of doors! 14 68 0 1 98 Centerfold 19 1 0 1 99 Captain Thygh has filled the ship with photographs of herself, scantily clad. She considers it "motivation." 19 68 0 1 98 Cheesecake Photo 19 8 0 1 1 Hey! This photo of Captain Thygh has been securely nailed. 19 8 0 2 99 Just like the Captain! 13 67 0 1 99 You'd rather drink rancid bog scum! 13 1 0 1 99 A small puddle of sludge graces the bottom of the coffee pot. 13 68 0 1 98 Coffee Maker 6 1 0 1 99 A sign on the bulletin board mentions that all illegal dice should be placed in this bowl. 6 68 0 1 98 Shaved Dice Bowl 6 8 0 1 99 Unfortunately for you, the shaved dice bowl contains nothing but air. 10 1 0 1 99 In your salad days, you enjoyed a good game of foosball. 10 68 0 1 98 Foosball Machine 10 79 0 1 99 You don't have the balls! 10 79 0 2 1 Hey! That was harsh! 10 79 0 3 99 I'm not referring to cojones, clown. The foosball is missing. 10 79 0 4 1 Oh. I see. 4 1 0 1 99 A jumper wire with alligator clips at each end is tacked to the bulletin board. A sign beside it reads, "Attention Pit Bosses: Attach this wire to slot machines to prevent jackpots." 4 68 0 1 98 Jackpot Preventer 4 8 0 1 99 Sure you can take the jumper wire, but why would you ever want to PREVENT a jackpot? 18 1 0 1 99 This tube of "KZ Brand Sexual Lubricant and Roulette Wheel Polish" has barely been used. 18 68 0 1 98 KZ Brand Jelly 18 8 0 1 99 You never know when you might find a... 18 8 0 2 1 ...beautiful babe in need of... 18 8 0 3 99 (CONTINUING) ...a roulette wheel that needs polishing. 18 8 0 4 1 Doh! 1 1 0 1 99 This locker is protected by a standard combination lock. 1 68 0 1 98 A Locker 1 61 0 1 98 Enter combination (like this 69-69-69): 1 61 3 1 99 That combination doesn't seem to open that locker. 1 61 2 1 99 That combination doesn't seem to open that locker. 1 253 0 1 99 You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose... 1 253 0 2 1 ...but I'm not gonna pick this lock, am I? 1 253 0 3 99 Nope. 1 97 0 1 99 "For a bad time, call Peggy! She talk too much." 17 0 7 1 98 Enter combination (like this: 69-69-69): 17 0 7 2 98 OK 17 0 7 3 98 Cancel 17 0 7 4 98 38-24-36 17 1 0 1 99 17 68 0 1 98 17 61 3 1 1 (LOCKER BAY SWINGS UP AND HITS YOU UNDER CHIN) Oof! 17 61 3 2 1 (SHAKE OUT YOUR HEAD TO GET IT BACK TO SHAPE) Flubbity, blubbity. 17 253 0 1 99 17 97 0 1 99 16 1 0 1 99 The ship's employees are fortunate to have a microwave in their break room for those odd-hour snacks. 16 68 0 1 98 Microwave 16 61 0 1 99 Yuch! Doesn't anybody ever clean that thing? 16 61 0 2 5 I wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard that! 2 1 0 1 99 A refrigerator might contain some things you need. 2 68 0 1 98 Refrigerator 2 61 0 1 99 Wheew! Get of whiff of that! 2 61 0 2 5 I wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard that! 2 8 0 1 99 But this refrigerator contains nothing you need! 15 1 0 1 99 The sink is filled with old coffee grounds and food scraps. 15 1 0 2 5 I wish I had a dollar for every (REALIZE SETUP DIDN'T WORK) ...oh. Never mind. 15 68 0 1 98 Sink 15 8 0 1 99 You'd take everything but the kitchen sink. 15 8 0 2 1 Does that mean I don't get it? 15 8 0 3 99 Larry, you NEVER get it! 9 1 0 1 99 A snack vending machine is a good thing. 9 72 0 1 99 9 68 0 1 98 Snack Vending Machine 9 8 0 1 99 An empty snack vending machine is a BAD thing. 8 1 0 1 99 It's nice to have a soda vending machine in your break area. 8 72 0 1 99 8 68 0 1 98 Soda Vending Machine 8 8 0 1 99 It's NOT nice to have an EMPTY soda vending machine in your break area. 3 221 5 1 99 Yes. You can hear something through the speaker now. So what? 3 221 4 1 99 Try as you might, you can't hear anything through the speaker because it's silent right now. 3 1 0 1 99 This is just one of the speakers through which you hear the many shipboard announcements. 3 68 0 1 98 Speaker 11 1 0 1 99 Lightweight plastic chairs and cheap tables are a part of every employee break room. 11 68 0 1 98 Tables & Chairs 11 94 0 1 99 You're not an employee. You don't GET a break! 11 8 0 1 99 You don't get to "take" a break. Or, "take" your seat, either! 7 67 0 1 99 Perhaps you should "Look" first! 7 1 0 1 99 What low-life spit in the water bottle!? 7 68 0 1 98 Water Cooler

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22 1 0 1 5 Geez, if guys like that can win this contest, how hard can it be? 22 1 0 2 99 In your case, not that hard! 22 68 0 1 98 Former TMT Winner 2 1 0 1 5 What a pair of cannons! 2 68 0 1 98 Pair of Cannons 4 17 0 1 99 Don't do that. That would mean instant death. 4 1 0 1 99 Swipe your keycard through this card scanner and it will be compared by the ship's central computer to a database for acceptability. You better hope yours matches! 4 23 0 1 99 This door has no keyhole. Locks? Yes. Keyhole? No. 4 68 0 1 98 Card Scanner 4 50 0 1 99 There's no way your massive tool will fit in that little slot. 4 50 0 2 1 I wish I had a... (REALIZE) Oh. I don't think I've ever heard that before! 10 1 0 1 99 Somehow this small port captures a specimen of your DNA which is then analyzed and processed by the ship's central computer and compared to a database of acceptable DNA matches. So, the question is: "Do you feel lucky today, O.J.?" 10 68 0 1 98 DNA Scanner 10 146 0 1 99 Don't do that. That would mean instant death. Besides, look where that port is located. You'd have to unzip first! 20 68 0 1 98 Door Latch 1 1 0 1 99 You wonder where that door leads. 1 1 1 1 99 Intense security is this door's hallmark. To its left is a keycard scanner, a retinal scanner, a fingerprint scanner, a voiceprint scanner, a tongueprint scanner, and an auto-DNA sampler. Something tells you it would be better for you to pass all those tests than to fail any one! 1 68 0 1 98 Well-Protected Door 1 61 0 1 99 What? You think you can just ignore all these defense mechanisms and waltz right in just by PUSHing the door open? 1 160 0 1 1 Hey, look! The door doesn't quite latch. I can just walk right in! 1 160 0 2 99 (YOU GIVE UP. HE'S HOPELESS!) Okay. It's your ass! 8 1 0 1 99 Place your finger on this miniature scanner and your fingerprint will be recorded, analyzed and processed by the ship's central computer and compared to an international database of acceptable fingerprint matches via a satellite Internet link with the Interpol web site. You better hope yours matches! 8 68 0 1 98 Fingerprint Scanner 8 146 0 1 99 Don't do that. That would mean instant death. Besides, you don't know where that finger's been! 7 1 0 1 99 Place your eye before this miniature scanner and your retina will be recorded, analyzed and processed by the ship's central computer and compared to an international database of retinal scans via a cellular link with the CIA web site. You better hope yours matches! 7 68 0 1 98 Retinal Scanner 7 146 0 1 99 Don't do that. That would mean instant death. Besides, you could "put an eye out!" 6 1 1 1 99 Evidently someone doesn't want you to get into THAT door. 6 68 1 1 98 Well-Protected Door 12 7 0 1 99 Play the game right and you just might get to do that... and not to just her photograph! 12 1 0 1 99 Captain Thygh has thoughtfully provided photographs of herself throughout the ship as motivation to Thygh's Man Trophy contestants. 12 68 0 1 98 Captain Thygh 11 1 0 1 99 Lick this scanner and your tongueprint will be recorded, analyzed and processed by the ship's central computer and compared to a database of acceptable matches. You better hope yours does! 11 68 0 1 98 Tongueprint Scanner 11 146 0 1 99 Don't do that. That would mean instant death. Besides, you don't know where that tongue has been! 9 1 0 1 99 Speak into this microphone and your voiceprint will be recorded, analyzed and processed by the ship's central computer and compared to a database of acceptable voice matches. How much can you sound like Jan Rabson? 9 68 0 1 98 Voiceprint Scanner 9 146 0 1 99 Don't do that. That would mean instant death. 21 1 0 1 99 It looks like somebody means business! 21 68 0 1 98 Weapons

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11 1 0 1 99 It's either a miniature version of those Easter Island heads or a bust of Al Lowe. 11 68 0 1 98 Aku Aku 10 1 0 1 99 That must be one of Xqwzts's ancestors. 10 68 0 1 98 Sacred Ancestor 12 1 7 1 99 Like Xqwzts, this has gone out. 12 1 6 1 99 Sometimes Xqwzts burns this at both ends. 12 68 0 1 98 Candle 9 1 0 1 99 You got your fill of these on your old Enoch Light "Provocative Percussion" albums. 9 68 0 1 98 Conga Drum 9 79 0 1 99 This drum is like good sex... you just can't beat it! 15 1 0 1 99 What the hell is in that jar? 15 68 0 1 98 Glass Jar 8 1 0 1 99 You haven't seen one of these since you went to India with the Beatles to visit the maharishi. 8 1 0 2 5 Funny. I don't remember that. 8 1 0 3 99 Hardly surprising! 8 68 0 1 98 Hookah 5 1 7 1 99 Don't mess with Xqwzts's credit card imprinter. You've got enough charges on your room already! 5 1 6 1 99 How professional. Xqwzts has his very own credit card imprinter. 5 68 0 1 98 Credit Card Imprinter 13 1 7 1 99 Now that Xqwzts has gone out, so has the incense. 13 1 6 1 99 This is what Xqwzts burns to cover the other smells in here. 13 68 0 1 98 Incense 14 1 1 1 99 Looks like Xqwzts has left his custodian's master key hanging here. Of course, he won't need it where's he's going. 14 1 5 1 99 There is a hook on the wall where Xqwzts hangs his custodian's key. Right now, it's empty. 14 1 7 1 99 That's the hook where Xqwzts once hung his custodian's master key. Right now, it's empty. Because YOU took it! 14 68 0 1 98 Key Hook 6 1 7 1 99 These lamps reflect Xqwzts's new life philosophy: hang around long enough and you may finally get to go out! 6 1 6 1 99 These lamps reflect Xqwzts's life philosophy: hang around long enough and you may become enlightened. 6 68 0 1 98 Hanging Lantern 3 1 0 1 99 This key gets the cabin boy into all the secret fun custodial closets and storage holds on the ship. 3 68 0 1 98 Custodial Key 3 8 0 1 99 Good idea. You may as well get something in trade for your passport. 3 8 6 1 15 Hey. Hands off. That MY key. I use all the time. Whenever I working. 3 8 6 2 5 Which is not often. 16 1 0 1 99 Actually, it's more comfortable than it looks. 16 1 0 2 5 That wouldn't be difficult. 16 68 0 1 98 Bed of Nails 4 1 7 1 99 Xqwzts hiding place now reminds you of a casbah stall, closed for the holidays. 4 1 6 1 99 Xqwzts hiding place reminds you of a casbah stall, open and ready for negotiations. 4 68 0 1 98 Xqwyst's Chamber 7 1 0 1 99 That's a relic from a rare African tribe of warrior brothers. 7 1 0 2 5 Looks more like the "Warnor Brothers." 7 1 0 3 99 Hmmm. You could be right! 7 68 0 1 98 Shield 17 1 0 1 99 Pictures of Captain Thygh are sprinkled around the ship to inspire the contestants. 17 1 0 2 1 (LUSTFULLY) I know I'm inspired. 17 68 0 1 98 Captain Thygh 2 1 7 1 99 That large air vent formerly helped Xqwzts keep his cool. 2 1 6 1 99 That large air vent must help Xqwzts keep his cool. 2 68 0 1 98 Air Vent 2 61 8 1 99 The dessert tasting room is no longer locked. There's no need to climb through the air vent. 2 61 7 1 99 74 tiny screws hold this vent tightly in place. 2 61 6 1 15 Hey! What you doing? Mess with stuff right in front of me? What wrong you?! 2 50 0 1 1 (GRUNTING AND GROANING NOISES AS YOU CLIMB INTO AIR VENT, A LA TOM CRUISE MISSION IMPOSSIBLE) Uhhg. Grunt. 2 50 9 1 99 You want to put the screws back in? It's unscrewed. Just open it on up. 2 189 7 1 99 That's a refreshing change for you, Larry. Usually you want to do just the opposite! In any case, it'll take more than just your fingernail to loosen these screws. 2 189 6 1 15 Hey! Leave alone. Beat it. Talk me. Hey, hello. Right here! 1 161 0 1 15 Well... I want something, but not that. What is problem? No imagination? 1 46 0 1 15 Old family tradition. No beaver cheese allowed! Ha! 1 43 0 1 15 Old family saying: Never drink crap like this! 1 28 0 1 15 Thanks. Got it. Read it. Hated it. Sold it. 1 26 0 1 15 No, thanks. Don't want it. And even if did, wouldn't take it. 1 190 0 1 1 Well, I suppose I SHOULD buy some pictures from you. (SLYLY) Can you charge it to my room? 1 190 0 2 15 Okay the dokay. Whatever you are saying. 1 171 0 1 1 ARE you a cabin boy on this ship or aren't you? 1 171 0 2 15 Yes. No. Perhaps. Hmm. Not clear. 1 171 0 3 1 Hmm. It seems as if you might be unsure. 1 171 0 4 15 Well, since I saw movie "Cabin Boy" I branch out into new work. Stink-o! 1 133 0 1 1 So, Xqwzts, how about cleaning my cabin? It's a mess! 1 133 0 2 15 I could do that. Forget it. 1 133 0 3 1 What? Aren't you a cabin boy? 1 133 0 4 15 Actually, from now on you will please refer to me as "Individual Accoutrement Maintenance Young Person." Or, I. M. Yip, for short! See, boss. No more manual labor. 1 133 0 5 1 Why? 1 133 0 6 15 Why? Who gonna fire guy with filthy pictures? 1 133 0 7 1 You mean: blackmail? 1 133 0 8 15 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Wash out your mouth. Everyone buy for personal portfolio. Keepsake. Memorabilia. Good stuff. Use good film, good camera, good angles. Hasselblad, medium format, 90mm lens. Blows up real nice. Good for over sofa. (Even better for over bed.) 1 52 0 1 15 Threaten me? Look behind you! Locker bay may swing down. Hit head. You gone. Dig me, daddy-o? 1 34 0 1 15 Swap? Might. No. Never mind. These have no remote to work them. Um, garbage. Take them! 1 32 0 1 15 No. Old family tradition. Stinking. 1 39 0 1 15 Sneaky. But don't show everywhere. Use. Don't lose. 1 38 0 1 15 Gambling is for losers. 1 142 0 1 15 Him all over ship. Keep eye out! 1 188 0 1 1 So, Xqwzts, do you take care of Drew Baringmore's cabin? 1 188 0 2 15 Yes. No. Maybe. Not help you anyway. How 'bout some fine silver? Heavy plated? 1 188 0 3 1 Thanks, but, um, I'm trying to find her clothes. I think you know where her suitcase is. 1 188 0 4 15 I know. But too busy to help you. Bye, Joe. 1 30 0 1 15 No need. Already possess. 1 86 0 1 1 Bye bye, X-ie. 1 86 0 2 15 Hasta la vista, Putzula. 1 55 0 1 15 Fine silk. Top quality. Big dollar item. Rich girl. 1 33 0 1 15 No suntan booth this. You keep. 1 141 0 1 1 Say! How did you get photographs of me like this? 1 141 0 2 15 Oh, is no problem, really. Fast film. Very fast. 1 70 0 1 15 Hmm. Nope. Sorry. Know nothing 'bout that. 1 70 0 2 15 No. Not me. Nope. Huh, uh. 1 70 0 3 15 Really? You don't say? 1 70 0 4 15 Nah. No, ignorant. Know nothing about that. 1 70 0 5 15 Thanks for sharing that. Now, goodbye! 1 100 0 1 15 Hello. Who dares to enter my private chambers? (BEAT) Ah. You here for dirty pictures? 1 100 0 2 1 Huh? Uh, excuse me. I'm Larry; Larry Laffer. 1 100 0 3 15 Oh. Yeah. You make me laugh! You big Zero. 1 100 0 4 1 Big zero? (THINKS) Ah, yes, that is my cabin. (STRAINS TO READ NAMETAG) I can't quite read your nametag. Is that "Ex-qwats?" 1 100 0 5 15 Maybe. You here for dirty pictures? 1 100 0 6 1 Um, noooo... at least I don't think so... 1 100 0 7 15 Okay. Whatever. You 'da boss. Hunky-donkey-doory-woory. 1 101 0 1 1 Hey there, "Zorkwitz!" 1 101 0 2 15 Same at ya, Mr. Loaf in the pants! 1 51 0 1 15 What? You pilfer my wire and then give back to me? Hah! 1 17 0 1 15 Well. Very impressive. Who care? 1 47 0 1 15 Who do you think hangs those on the tree? 1 54 0 1 15 No, no, no need. Nothing to lube! 1 118 2 1 1 (HESITANTLY) Do you know where I could obtain some "photographs." You know, the, uh, "good kind." (Wink, wink.) 1 118 2 2 15 (SLYLY) Ah. Meester Leaf-blower wants to buy some feelthy peektures? 1 118 2 3 1 (LYING) Oh, no! I have no interest in pornography. I'm an artist. 1 118 2 4 15 Oh, yes, artist. Me, too. And these are very special.... 1 118 2 5 1 Oh? How's that? 1 118 2 6 15 Why, they're pictures... of you! 1 118 2 7 1 Wha... what!? 1 118 3 1 1 Zixwurst, you said something about pictures earlier? 1 118 3 2 15 Feelthy peek-tures? Sure, I gottum! You wantum? 1 118 3 3 1 They're of people on the ship? 1 118 3 4 15 Oh, ho! You are sharp as a tack! 1 118 3 5 1 Well, ah... would you happen to have any of me? 1 118 3 6 15 Ha, ha. Of you? (Don't make me laugh!) No! You not had sex! Better get busy if you want mementos of big vacation. Art Leather binders; 10 wallets free with order. Get reprints for friends! 1 118 3 7 1 (I just want to get laid!) I'll keep that in mind, thanks. 1 1 0 1 99 Either Xqwzts is an eclectic collector or his family heritage is a multi-cultural jumble. His little hiding place is awash with cultural references. 1 56 0 1 15 Fine silk. Top quality. Big dollar item. Rich girl. But very sloppy! 1 73 0 1 15 Already read this issue. 1 44 0 1 15 Good quality. Could use this. But not now. 1 72 0 1 15 No money necessary. Blackmail very lucrative. 1 68 0 1 98 Xqwzts 1 49 0 1 15 Where do you think Dewmi got that? 1 22 0 1 1 I know how much you want to travel, Xqwzts. I'm kind of a world traveller myself. In fact, I have my passport with me right now. 1 22 0 2 15 What? You have passport? Never see American passport. Show me passport. Let me see it! 1 22 0 3 15 Thanks. 1 22 0 4 1 Damn! Where'd he go? 1 22 0 5 15 Bye! Ha, ha, ha, ha... 1 122 0 1 1 Miss Peggy tells me you have an interest in travel. 1 122 0 2 15 Ah, yes she speaks truth. Need to see passport so can make copy. Any country. U.S. berry berry good. Where yours? 1 122 0 3 1 Oh, it's... around. 1 132 0 1 1 Xqwzts, do you know Miss Peggy, that deckhand? 1 132 0 2 15 Who, hoo hoo hoo. Peggy? Sure. Know Peggy very well. Know her since she was just Peg! Good customer. Very good. Goes through plenty dirty pix. Ask her, go ahead, ask. She say I one straight guy. 1 21 0 1 15 No, no. No good. Can't get past Border Patrol. Got passport, though? Could use that! 1 41 0 1 1 So, Xqwzts, you interested in good pot? 1 41 0 2 15 Got plenty. Marrakesh connection. Good stuff, man. 1 41 0 3 1 Not THAT kind. A cooking pot. 1 41 0 4 15 Why bother? Got key to kitchen! 1 99 0 1 1 That purser is so, so... 1 99 0 2 15 Yeah, he something else. No help to me, you bet. Barely gives me my messages! 1 48 0 1 15 Not hungry. 1 74 0 1 15 1 35 0 1 15 Um, no. Not remote enough for me. 1 16 0 1 15 Loser. 1 50 0 1 15 What you do with that? 1 20 0 1 15 Take better care of my work, Skippy. 1 15 0 1 1 What about Captain Thygh, Hershey-squirt? 1 15 0 2 15 Oh, Captain one excellent subject, let me tell you. Many good photos. Tough lighting, though. 1 37 0 1 15 Already got some. In fact, I'm wearing it right now! 1 219 0 1 1 So, do you enjoy traveling, X-squats? 1 219 0 2 15 Yes. Very much. Love travel. But want to settle down. 1 219 0 3 1 Oh, really? Where? 1 219 0 4 15 Where? U. S. of A., where else? Love Fresno suburbs. Want big Volvo. Crab grass. Satellite dish! 1 150 0 1 1 So exactly what's the deal with your name? How SHOULD I pronounce it? 1 150 0 2 15 Richard. Richard Head. 1 150 0 3 1 You mean... 1 150 0 4 15 (IN PERFECT ENGLISH) Yep. A guy can only get teased so many times before he finally just... gives up, and has to change his name.

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0 0 5 1 21 Bowling balls may not be removed from the bowling area. 4 1 0 1 99 He seems to be better than you. 4 68 0 1 98 Another Bowler 4 4 0 1 99 There's no way he can hear you from this distance. 5 1 0 1 99 5 68 0 1 98 5 4 0 1 99 He can't hear you. And even if he could, he wouldn't talk to you. 2 55 0 1 99 You carefully wipe off all traces of walrus from your ball. 2 55 2 1 99 You carefully wipe the dust off your ball. 2 54 0 1 99 You can't do that here in plain view of all the other bowlers. Try to be more subtle, Larry. 2 54 0 2 1 What was that last word before Larry? 2 54 0 3 99 Never mind. 2 1 0 1 99 You know, the other contestants wiped their balls first. 2 56 0 1 99 At least one ball is well lubricated. 2 56 2 1 99 Now things ought to happen! 2 68 0 1 98 Bowling Ball 2 8 0 1 1 (SMALL HEAVY OBJECT) Umm. 3 57 0 1 1 3 57 4 1 1 3 57 3 1 5 This has got to do it! 3 57 3 2 1 Woof woof woof. 3 57 2 1 1 (BOWLING SOUNDS) Ugh. Ah. 3 57 2 2 99 The ship's movements cause your balls to careen madly. 3 57 2 3 5 Yeah, I know; but I didn't think anyone else could see! 3 57 6 1 21 That sucked. 3 57 6 2 21 Mediocre. 3 57 6 3 21 What a wuss. 3 57 6 4 21 That was weak. 3 57 6 5 21 Nice throw, wimp. 3 1 0 1 99 How bizarre. The ship's bowling lanes lead right off the stern. You bet they go through a lot of balls. 3 68 0 1 98 Bowling Alleys 1 1 0 1 99 Why would they decorate the bowling alley with a fiberglass walrus? 1 1 1 1 99 At least you now know where the bowling balls come from. 1 68 0 1 98 Fiberglass Walrus 1 16 0 1 98 do ani of L inserting card, and getting ball

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1 1 0 1 99 A gorgeous woman sits before a drafting table, the floor around her littered with the discards of hours of work. She looks troubled, anguished, distraught. 1 1 0 2 5 I'd say she needs a good man! 1 68 0 1 98 Jamie Lee Coitus 1 68 1 1 98 Beautiful Woman 1 161 0 1 99 Maybe you should talk to her first. 2 1 0 1 99 You've never seen a glass-bottomed swimming pool before. Especially one with nude swimmers! 2 68 0 1 98 Glass Bottomed Pool 3 1 0 1 99 Cute. The chandeliers look like underwater bubbles. 3 68 0 1 98 Chandelier 4 1 0 1 99 There could be a kitschier room someplace, somewhere, somehow... but it seems doubtful. 4 68 0 1 98 Decor 5 1 0 1 99 While it may look impressive, that pediment is just painted foamcore and PVC pipe. 5 68 0 1 98 Impressive Pediment 6 1 0 1 99 Sometime soon this runway will be covered with beautiful women, wearing beautiful clothes and no underwear. 6 1 0 2 5 And that's beautiful, in its own way! 6 68 0 1 98 Runway 7 1 0 1 99 She's just a sculpture, but you could learn to love her just the same. 7 68 0 1 98 Sculpture

401.msgEdit

1 0 0 2 99 There's no reason to do that to the bench. 1 7 0 1 99 Benches provide a quiet spot for resting in the park. 1 9 0 1 99 The benches are permanently attached to the ground beneath them. 1 6 0 1 99 The bench doesn't work that way. 1 8 0 1 99 1 12 0 1 99 2 0 0 1 99 ***Generic inventory item on Crash. 2 10 0 1 99 2 7 0 1 99 ***Crash is pale and trembling and nearly jumping out of his skin with paranoid scanning of the area. 2 7 0 2 99 ***He looks terrified. 2 9 0 1 99 ***MOVE Crash. 2 6 0 1 99 ***Open/close Crash. 2 8 0 1 99 ***Operate Crash. 2 12 0 1 99 ***Pick up Crash. 2 11 0 1 99 ***Crash looks anxious NOT to speak with Gabriel. He won't even let him get close. 3 0 0 1 99 Using that on the fence would be pointless. 3 7 0 1 99 A wrought-iron fence surrounds the Jackson statue. 3 9 0 1 99 The iron bars of the fence are quite sturdy. Gabriel can't move them. 3 6 0 1 99 Gabriel can't bend the bars, he's too big to fit through them, and those spikes on top look sharp. 3 8 0 1 99 The iron fence cannot be operated. 3 12 0 1 99 3 13 0 1 99 14 0 0 1 99 Gabriel can't reach the statue to try that. 14 10 0 1 99 14 7 0 1 99 A statue of Andrew Jackson, in bronze, marks the center of Jackson Square. 14 9 0 1 99 The statue of Jackson isn't going anywhere. 14 6 0 1 99 Gabriel can't do that with the Jackson statue. 14 8 0 1 99 14 12 0 1 99 14 11 0 1 99 The statue does not respond. 10 0 3 1 3 !!!Do not print this. Comment msg only. 10 0 4 1 3 !!!Do not print this. Comment msg only. 10 0 11 1 29 "Hey, stop picking on me! I'll tell my Dad!" 10 0 12 1 30 "You white-faced geek! You wanna eat my fist?" 10 0 9 1 28 "Why, you nasty thing, you! I'll call the police, I will!" 10 0 10 1 31 "Well, I never! Leave me alone you, you, you... MAN!" 4 0 0 1 99 There's no reason to use that on the lampposts. 4 10 0 1 99 4 7 0 1 99 Iron lampposts add charm to Jackson Square and provide illumination at night. 4 9 0 1 99 The lampposts couldn't be moved even if Gabriel were so inspired. 4 6 0 1 99 The lampposts don't open or close. 4 8 0 1 99 The lampposts cannot be operated--at least, not manually. They're on timers. 4 12 0 1 99 4 11 0 1 99 The lampposts have little to say. 5 0 0 1 99 Gabriel doesn't want to encourage that mime by showing him anything. 5 10 0 1 99 Interrogating a mime would be a frustrating exercise. 5 7 6 1 99 It's one of those mimes. Oh, boy. 5 7 5 1 99 Wasn't that mime somewhere else a minute ago? 5 7 7 1 1 "Better them than me." 5 9 0 1 99 He seems to have a mind of his own. 5 6 0 1 99 That wouldn't work on the mime. 5 8 0 1 99 5 12 6 1 99 Gabriel probably COULD pick up the mime, if he got close enough. The question is, would he want to? 5 12 5 1 99 It seems that Gabriel has already done that. 5 12 7 1 99 5 11 6 1 99 Talking to a mime is liable to get little back but lip syncing. 5 11 5 1 1 "Stop following me!" 5 11 7 1 99 6 0 0 1 99 The other park visitors aren't interested in looking at Gabriel's stash. 6 10 0 1 99 6 7 0 1 99 People seem to be enjoying the park, despite the lack of sunshine. 6 9 0 1 99 6 6 0 1 99 6 8 0 1 99 6 12 0 1 99 That's a rather rude way to treat the other park visitors. 6 11 0 1 99 The other park visitors are enjoying their leisure and aren't interested in talking to Gabriel. 6 13 1 1 3 !!!Do not print this. Comment msg only. 13 0 0 1 99 13 7 0 1 99 A path leads north to St. Louis Cathedral. 13 9 0 1 99 13 6 0 1 99 13 8 0 1 99 13 12 0 1 99 13 13 8 1 99 The path north leads to St. Louis Cathedral. The cathedral is not available for the day 1 demo. 13 13 1 1 3 !!!Do not print this. Comment msg only. 13 13 2 1 3 !!!Do not print this. Comment msg only. 7 0 0 1 99 7 7 0 1 99 A path south leads back out into the French Quarter. 7 9 0 1 99 The path isn't going anywhere. 7 6 0 1 99 The path doesn't do that. 7 8 0 1 99 7 12 0 1 99 7 13 1 1 3 !!!Do not print this. Comment msg only. 7 13 2 1 3 !!!Do not print this. Comment msg only. 8 0 0 1 99 There's no reason to use that in the park. 8 10 0 1 99 8 7 0 1 99 Jackson Square is a beautiful little park, a good place to rest while exploring the French Quarter, and a great place to be entertained by local performers. 8 9 0 1 99 The park officials might not appreciate Gabriel trying to move that. 8 12 0 1 99 Gabriel doesn't want to take that out of the park. 8 11 0 1 99 There's no one there to talk to. 9 0 0 1 99 Using that on the sidewalk would be pointless. 9 7 0 1 99 A wide walk provides a pathway around the square. 9 9 0 1 99 The sidewalk is not going anywhere. 9 6 0 1 99 The sidewalk doesn't work that way. 9 8 0 1 99 9 12 0 1 99 11 7 0 1 99 Jackson Square boasts some very old trees--perhaps left over from the days when the city was under French rule. 12 0 0 1 99 Gabriel doesn't want to throw that away. 12 7 0 1 99 Give a hoot. 12 9 0 1 99 Arranging garbage cans is not Gabriel's idea of a good time. 12 6 0 1 99 These particular garbage cans do not open. 12 8 0 1 99 The garbage cans have no function other than taking whatever people throw at it. Gabriel's had days like that. 12 12 0 1 99

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2 1 0 1 99 These doors lead to the ship's main ballroom. 2 1 1 1 99 The ballroom is locked. But there's a note hanging on the door. 2 1 3 1 99 The ballroom is locked. 2 68 0 1 98 Ballroom Entrance 2 97 2 1 37 Cher Larry:

After changing the course of world fashion, I'm off to do the late-night talk show circuit! I'm sure you'll derive great satisfaction from knowing you played a tiny part in moi's greatness. If you are ever in Manhattan or Paris (BEAT) feel free to buy some of my clothes.

Yours truly,

Jamie 2 97 2 2 1 Gee. 2 97 1 2 37 Larry:

Meet me backstage!

Jamie 2 97 1 3 5 All right! Finally. 4 1 0 1 99 (SHOCK DISMAY AND DISGUST) Oh, my God! 4 68 0 1 98 Authentic Greek Frieze 3 5 0 1 99 Granite would be too heavy at sea. It feels like styrofoam! 3 5 0 2 1 Oops. You think anybody'll notice that thumb-shaped dent? 3 1 0 1 99 A large sculpture of King Neptune guards the entrance to Captain Queeg's Ballroom. 3 68 0 1 98 King Neptune 1 1 0 1 99 These doors lead backstage and are off-limits to the public. 1 68 0 1 98 Stage Door 1 61 0 1 99 Never the bashful one, eh, Larry? 1 61 0 2 5 Hmm. They're locked. 1 61 1 1 5 She left these unlocked. Here I come, baby!

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0 0 1 1 1 (WHISPER) Jamie? Jamie Lee? 0 0 1 2 1 Uh, oh! 0 0 1 3 34 The crowd goes wild! Cheers, stomps, hoots! 0 0 1 4 1 Hey!

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0 0 7 1 24 (AD LIB 30" OF MERMAID PORN LOOPING) Oh, Oh. OH! Etc... 0 0 7 2 33 (AD LIB 30" OF INCREDIBLE HULK PORN LOOPING) Oh, Oh. OH! Etc... 0 0 7 3 33 (AD LIB 30" OF PINHEAD PORN LOOPING) Oh, Oh. OH! Etc... 1 1 0 1 99 This booth is occupied...and evidently, quite successfully, too. 1 68 0 1 98 Booth #1 3 1 1 1 99 This booth looks empty. 3 1 5 1 99 Looks like SOMEbody's sexually satisfied around here! 3 68 0 1 98 Booth #2 4 1 0 1 99 What the hell is going on in there?! 4 68 0 1 98 Booth #3 5 1 0 1 99 There are many governments that ban that sort of behavior! 5 68 0 1 98 Booth #4 2 17 0 1 99 That might work on your room, but it does nothing here. 2 1 0 1 99 This is where you stick it... that is, insert your Thygh's Man Trophy score card. 2 68 0 1 98 CyberCard 2000\05 2 16 0 1 1 (LOTS OF FUNNY PORNO MOVIE SOUND FX) Oh. Yes. Ah! (YOU'RE DONE; QUIETLY) Oh. 2 16 0 2 5 Wow! I bet I was in there an hour! 2 16 0 3 21 (MECHANICAL SOUNDING) Your score, Larry Laffer: (BEAT) two. 2 16 8 1 99 Oh, sure. You'd like to THINK you could "perform" again so soon.... 2 16 3 1 99 What? Enter again? And ruin Vicki's perfect score with your lousy performance? (BEAT) Really, Larry. 2 16 4 1 1 Okay, Vicki. There ya go! 2 16 4 2 8 This will prove who's the real "sex-pert!" 2 16 4 3 8 (MANY RANDOM PORNO SOUND FX) Oh. Ah. Pant. Heavy breathing. (END WITH TARZAN YELL) Ahh-e-ah-e-ah-e-ah-e-ah! 2 16 4 4 8 Well? Let's see you top THAT! 2 16 4 5 1 Oh, I couldn't. You win, I guess. (BEAT) Now, how about some "private lessons?" 2 16 4 6 8 Dream on. I'm heading for my cabin... and a nice stimulating book. 2 16 4 7 1 But, wait! I didn't even lose all my clothes yet! (Sigh.) 2 16 4 8 21 (MECHANICAL SOUNDING) Your score, Larry Laffer: (BEAT) 1000. (LESS MECHANICAL) Wow. A perfect score. (SOFT & SEXY) Laffer. Come by the office, okay? I get off at midnight. Please. 2 16 4 9 99 Well, you didn't beat Vicki, but who cares; you got a record high score on the LoveMaster 2000\05! 12 1 0 1 99 This button is clearly labled "Do not touch!" So naturally your curiosity is piqued. 12 68 0 1 98 Important Button 12 160 0 1 99 Are you sure? Okay... 10 1 0 1 5 Sometimes I think I see something in that lava lamp's random patterns. 10 1 0 2 99 Wrong, Larry. It's just your dirty mind! 10 68 0 1 98 Lava Lamp 6 1 0 1 99 Looks like things are going pretty well in this booth! 6 68 0 1 98 Booth #1's Score 7 1 0 1 99 This booth is unoccupied...and evidently, quite successfully, too. 7 68 0 1 98 Your Score 7 68 1 2 98 Booth #2's Score 8 1 0 1 99 This booth's occupant is doing well! 8 68 0 1 98 Booth #3's Score 9 1 0 1 99 The score is not the only thing rising around this booth! 9 68 0 1 98 Booth #4's Score 11 1 0 1 99 (SOFTLY, BUT AS FAST AS POSSIBLE; LIKE A CAR COMMERCIAL DISCLAIMER) LoveMaster 2000 is (not) a registered trademark of Up and Coming Productions, of Sierra Northwest, a division of Sierra Publishing, a part of Sierra On-Line, Incorporated, a member of the CUC International, a company publicly traded on the New York Stock Exchange under the symbol CU. All rights reserved. Your mileage may vary. 11 68 0 1 98 The LoveMaster 2000\05

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0 0 1 1 98 CAPTAIN'S COOK-OFF COMPETITION 0 0 1 2 98 JUDGE JULIA'S SCORE: 0; JUDGE GRAHAM'S SCORE: 0; JUDGE PAUL'S SCORE: 0 0 0 1 3 98 JUDGE JULIA'S SCORE: 100; JUDGE GRAHAM'S SCORE: 100; JUDGE PAUL'S SCORE: 100 7 46 0 1 99 7 47 0 1 99 They're not looking for raw materials, Larry, only prepared dishes. 7 45 0 1 99 7 1 0 1 99 The conveyer belt is the secret to your success here. Put good food on it and you may win. But it must be food you've prepared yourself. 7 68 0 1 98 Conveyer Belt 7 48 0 1 99 Proudly, you present your concoction for evaluation by the panel of esteemed chefs. 7 48 0 2 28 Scorecard, please. 7 48 0 3 28 Thank you, Mr. (BEAT) Laffer. 7 48 0 4 28 Well, let's see now... 7 48 0 5 28 (DISGUSTING TASTE SOUNDS:) Ugh. Blah. Yech. Ptuuuiy! 7 48 0 6 28 Well. This has nothing to distinguish it from the hundreds of other Venezuelan Beaver Cheese Quiches we've endured... although the essence of kumquat does help slightly. 7 48 0 7 29 What? I don't even want to bother tasting it then. 7 48 0 8 30 Wait. I might want to try it... (DISAPPOINTED) aw, never mind. 7 48 0 9 1 (HIT IN STOMACH) Ouwfh! 7 74 0 1 99 Proudly, you present your special enhanced concoction for evaluation by the panel of esteemed chefs. 7 74 0 2 28 Scorecard, please. 7 74 0 3 28 Thank you, Mr. (BEAT) Laffer. 7 74 0 4 28 Well, what do we have here... 7 74 0 5 28 (TASTING GOOD FOOD) Umm. Yes... well, I... 7 74 0 6 28 (YOUR OWN PRIVATE 15" ORGASM SCENE, BUT FUNNY!) Ooooh! 7 74 0 7 29 (ENTHUSIASTICALLY) I'll have what she's having! 7 74 0 8 29 (TASTING GOOD FOOD) Umm. Yes... well, I... 7 74 0 9 29 (YOUR OWN PRIVATE 15" ORGASM SCENE, BUT FUNNY!) Ooooh! 7 74 0 10 30 (ENTHUSIASTICALLY) Hey! Wait for me!! 7 74 0 11 30 (TASTING GOOD FOOD) Umm. Yes... well, I... 7 74 0 12 30 (YOUR OWN PRIVATE 15" ORGASM SCENE, BUT FUNNY!) Ooooh! 7 74 0 13 99 You may not know much about cooking, but you know what THEY like! Look at those scores! You just won the Cook-Off competition! 7 42 0 1 99 7 16 0 1 99 7 16 2 1 99 5 1 0 1 99 Judge Graham enters the results of his taste testing into this computer in numerical form. His score is only one-third of the total. 5 68 0 1 98 Judge Graham's Computer 3 1 0 1 99 Judge Graham specializes in food for those who want to lower their intake of fat (and taste). 3 68 0 1 98 Judge Graham 3 16 0 1 99 3 16 2 1 99 3 4 0 1 29 Oh, we never enter into idle conversation with ordinary people. We're brought here at great expense, you know, just to judge, never associate. No, goodness, no! 4 1 0 1 99 Judge Julia enters her scores into this computer. All the judges' scores are then combined to determine your final score. 4 68 0 1 98 Judge Julia's Computer 1 1 0 1 99 Judge Julia has never met a dessert she didn't like, or a quiche, or a souffle, or a... whatever. 1 68 0 1 98 Judge Julia 1 16 0 1 99 1 16 2 1 99 1 4 0 1 28 Yes, darling, I know you'd love to talk to me, but the judges here are forbidden from fraternizing with the prisoners, er, I mean, contestants. 6 1 0 1 99 Judge Paul's computer is covered with Tabasco stains. 6 68 0 1 98 Judge Paul's Computer 2 1 0 1 99 Judge Paul is obviously fond of food, his own, his competitors', anyone's! 2 68 0 1 98 Judge Paul 2 16 0 1 99 Just place your Cook-Off Entry directly on the food conveyor belt. 2 16 2 1 99 There's no use to try again, Larry. It's over. No more. Done. Finito. 2 4 0 1 30 There ain't nothing you're goin' to do that will make me change anything about my opinion of your cooking. I don't even care if I haven't tasted it. I still know my cookin's best. Go on! 11 1 0 1 99 This is where those few vying for the Thygh's Man Trophy and unfortunate enough to be randomly selected for the Cook-Off competition must present their concoctions to a distinguished panel of judges. 11 68 0 1 98 Cook-Off Competition 9 1 0 1 99 Cute decor, eh? 9 68 0 1 98 Counter 10 1 0 1 5 A Poem by Larry Laffer

"I've never seen an electric uvula I never hope to see one. I can tell you anyhow, I'd rather see, than be one!" 10 68 0 1 98 Electric Uvula

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1 0 0 1 99 The band is a bit busy to be bothered with that. 1 10 0 1 99 1 7 0 1 99 A blues band entertains on the lawn. Now THAT'S music. 1 9 0 1 99 The band obviously likes this spot and wouldn't care to be moved. 1 6 0 1 99 The band doesn't work that way. 1 8 0 1 99 1 12 0 1 99 Gabriel's no groupie. 1 11 0 1 99 The band is too into performing to talk to Gabriel. 1 13 1 1 16 "Ah, man! Go bother somebody else, dude!" 2 0 2 1 99 ***She's kind of busy at the moment. 2 0 3 1 1 "***Does this mean anything to you?" 2 0 3 2 21 "***No. Does THIS mean anything to YOU?" 2 10 2 1 99 2 10 3 1 1 "***Could I ask you a few questions, Madame Lorelei?" 2 10 3 2 21 "***The only questions I answer are done so in my readings. I'm sure your palm would be quite...interesting." 2 32 3 1 99 ***Gabriel wouldn't mind having his fortune read, but he's not keen enough about it to pay cold, hard cash. 2 7 2 1 1 "***I'm looking, I'm looking!" 2 7 3 1 99 ***Madame Lorelei, the fortune teller, is garbed in a belly dancer's outfit and wears a long Boa around her neck...a REAL Boa! 2 9 0 1 99 ***She looks like she's pretty good at moving herself. 2 6 0 1 99 ***Open/close belly dancer. 2 8 0 1 99 ***Madame Lorelei dances when she's inspired. 2 12 2 1 1 "***Not a bad idea." 2 12 2 2 99 ***Gabriel doesn't look like he has money, so the belly dancer must truly find him attractive. 2 12 2 3 1 "***Natch." 2 12 2 4 99 ***'Madame Lorelei' winks knowingly at Gabriel. 2 12 3 1 99 ***Madame Lorelei seems less approachable sitting behind that booth. 2 11 2 1 99 ***Madame Lorelei is rather preoccupied at the moment. 2 11 3 1 1 "***Madame Lorelei, is it?" 2 11 3 2 21 "***What do you want, handsome?" 2 35 0 1 1 "***I think this veil belongs to you." 2 35 0 2 21 4 0 0 1 99 ***Why do that to the booth? 4 7 2 1 99 4 7 2 2 99 ***The owner is currently plying a different sort of wares, however. 4 7 6 1 99 ***Madame Lorelei's booth is deserted. 4 7 7 1 99 ***It appears that Madame Lorelei has returned. 4 7 8 1 99 4 7 8 2 99 ***That's good. Gabriel had been rather worried about her. 4 7 5 1 99 ***The booth is a colorful melange. It announces the owner as a 'Madame Lorelei' and gives prices for palm readings ($20.00), crystal ball gazing ($15.00), and birth charts ($50.00). 4 7 3 1 99 4 7 3 2 99 ***Madame Lorelei herself lounges at the booth, fondling her snake. 4 9 6 1 99 ***The city will drag the booth off eventually, if the owner doesn't come back to collect it. 4 9 9 1 99 ***The resident of the booth would not appreciate Gabriel screwing with its location. 5 0 0 1 99 Gabriel doesn't need to use that on the cop's motorcycle. 5 10 0 1 99 5 7 0 1 99 The police motorcycle makes a convenient vehicle for pulling into the park, though if Gabriel tried it with HIS cycle, they'd probably tow it. 5 7 0 2 99 5 9 0 1 99 Move the cop's motorcycle? While it might be amusing, Gabriel would prefer NOT to be arrested right now. 5 6 0 1 99 The cycle doesn't open or close. 5 8 0 1 99 5 12 0 1 99 Gabriel likes his own cycle much better, thanks. Besides, even Mosely couldn't get him out of that one. 5 11 0 1 99 The motorcycle has little to say. 6 0 0 1 99 The cycle cop doesn't seem the type to have anything enlightening to say about that. 6 10 0 1 1 "Could I ask you a few questions?" 6 10 0 2 9 "Not now, buddy. I'm busy." 6 10 0 3 1 "I should've noticed that. Thanks." 6 10 0 4 99 Yeah, right. 6 7 0 1 99 A police officer is either off-duty or patrolling the park. Or both. 6 9 0 1 99 That might not work too well. 6 6 0 1 99 The police officer would no doubt take offense if Gabriel tried that. 6 8 0 1 99 6 12 0 1 99 Nah. He's not Gabriel's type. 6 11 0 1 1 "Good day, Officer." 6 11 0 2 9 "Yeah, to you to. Keep moving." 6 13 10 1 99 The mime doesn't look too anxious to get near that cop again. 6 13 11 1 9 "Hey, cut that out!" 6 13 11 2 9 "I told you to stop that!" 6 13 11 3 9 "Alright, Mister. You want some of this?" 6 13 12 1 9 "Why, you little....!" 7 0 0 1 99 Using that on the police radio won't help. 7 10 0 1 99 7 7 0 1 99 On the motorcycle is a police radio. 7 9 0 1 99 There's no reason to move the radio. The officer would miss it. 7 6 0 1 99 The radio doesn't open or close. 7 8 13 1 1 "Mind if I use that police radio?" 7 8 13 2 9 "What are you, nuts? Forget it!" 7 8 13 3 1 "Gee, touchy." 7 8 14 1 99 Gabriel picks up the headset and listens.... 7 8 14 2 15 "Ambulance 91, have you located the crime scene? They've radioed for you three times." 7 8 14 3 18 "Damn! Did you say it was NORTH of the Lake Retreat Country Club?" 7 8 14 4 15 "<sigh>SOUTH. Lakeside Drive, NORTH of the Piedmont Pier, SOUTH of the country club." 7 8 14 5 18 "Man, I don't know if it's the clouds out here today or what! Good thing this guy is already dead!" 7 8 14 6 15 "Well, don't feel bad. Everyone's had trouble getting there for some reason. Must of been a batch of hallucinogens in the coffee at the precinct this morning!" 7 8 14 7 18 "It's just so misty out here or something, I...hey, I see a squad car! Got it, Molly." 7 8 14 8 15 "Thank god. Have a good one, 91. <pOp>" 7 8 14 9 1 "How interesting." 7 8 14 10 9 "Hey, you! Get away from that bike!" 7 8 14 11 1 "Sorry." 7 12 0 1 99 Gabriel doesn't need to take the radio to listen to it. 7 11 0 1 99 The radio won't tell Gabriel anything that way. 8 0 0 1 99 ***Gabriel should get her attention first. 8 10 0 1 99 8 7 7 1 99 8 7 8 1 99 8 9 0 1 99 ***MOVE Malia as fortune teller. 8 6 0 1 99 ***Open/close Malia as fortune teller. 8 8 0 1 99 ***Operate Malia as fortune teller. 8 12 0 1 99 ***Gabriel's already screwed that one up. Perhaps he should just talk to her. 8 11 0 1 1 "***You're back! You know, you really freaked me out!" 8 11 0 2 1 "***Yoo-hoo. Is anybody home?" 8 11 0 3 22 "***(HORRIBLY EVIL, HISSING)Stay away from Malia Gedde...." 8 11 0 4 22 "***(HORRIBLY EVIL, HISSING)Or you shall pay with your LIFE!!!" 8 11 0 5 1 "***(A TERRIFIED, UNCONSCIOUS GRUNT)Uggn!" 8 11 0 6 99 ***The figure in the veils disappears as Gabriel struggles with a sudden clammy terror. 8 11 0 7 1 "***What the hell is going on?!" 9 55 15 1 97 ***How's business? 9 55 16 1 97 ***Er...nothing. 9 55 17 1 97 ***How about a reading? 9 55 18 1 97 ***(WEASELING)Could you just do a short reading...for an intimate friend? 9 55 19 1 97 ***That's a nice snake you have there. 9 55 20 1 97 ***I'd really like to know more about that snake. 9 55 21 1 97 ***Did you lose a veil? 3 0 22 1 1 "***I think this veil belongs to you." 3 0 4 1 21 "***Oh, my veil! I'm always losing those things. You have no idea...." 3 0 4 2 21 "***Well, darling, you are such a sweetie to return a lady's delicates--and soooo handsome as well." 3 0 4 3 1 "***Well, I...." 3 0 4 4 21 "***And since you have such a clear...interest in fortune telling, let me see your hands. They look soooo strong. Perhaps they will make both our fortunes clear, no?" 3 0 4 5 1 "***(DISGUSTED)I wish something would." 3 0 4 6 21 "***(VERY FLIRTATIOUS)Mmmmm, strong, yes, and yet so delicate and...flexible <sigh>." 3 0 4 7 1 "***Sheez!" 3 0 4 8 21 "***Oh, good! I see a mysterious woman in your immediate future!" 3 0 4 9 99 ***Madame Lorelei winks at Gabriel knowingly. 3 0 4 10 21 "***(FLIRTATION AT FIRST, THEN FALTERING)She is a dangerous one, dark and beautiful. I see a clear fork in your life soon...." 3 0 4 11 99 ***The blood drains from Madame Lorelei's face in an instant. Sweat appears on her upper lip. 3 0 4 12 1 "***Are you okay?" 3 0 4 13 21 "***(BECOMING TRANCELIKE--HER VOICE CHANGES TO A MASCULINE ONE HERE--DEEP AND SCARY)There...are...forces...." 3 0 4 14 21 "***(TERRIFIED, CHOKED)Oh, god! Beware! Beware!" 3 0 4 15 1 "***What IS is about me lately?" 10 55 15 1 1 "***How's business?" 10 55 15 2 21 "***How's business? I don't have time for that sort of conversation, darling." 10 55 16 1 1 "***Er...nothing." 10 55 16 2 21 "***(FLIRTATIOUS)Than move aside, sweetie, but stay where I can look at you, eh?" 10 55 17 1 1 "***How about a reading?" 10 55 17 2 21 "***The prices are listed on the sign." 10 55 17 3 1 "***They seem a little steep." 10 55 17 4 21 "***Well, I sometimes do my...intimate friends for nothing. But I AM a business woman." 10 55 17 5 1 "***I'm sure you are." 10 55 18 1 1 "***(WEASELING)Could you just do a short reading...for an intimate friend?" 10 55 18 2 21 "***Darling, you use your charm to toy with me. If I thought you were serious.... But, no, I must stay...firm." 10 55 19 1 1 "***That's a nice snake you have there." 10 55 19 2 21 "***I could say the same of you...." 10 55 19 3 1 "***Hmmm. Well, I know where I got mine. Where'd you get yours?" 10 55 19 4 21 "***<sniff>That's personal." 10 55 20 1 1 "***I'd really like to know more about that snake." 10 55 20 2 21 "***Sorry, sweetie, but I don't discuss 'Elvis' with anyone." 10 55 21 1 1 "***Did you lose a veil?" 10 55 21 2 21 11 0 23 1 3 !!!Do not print this. Comment msg only. 11 0 24 1 3 !!!Do not print this. Comment msg only. 11 0 25 1 3 !!!Do not print this. Comment msg only. 11 0 26 1 3 !!!Do not print this. Comment msg only. 11 0 27 1 3 !!!Do not print this, comment msg only. 11 0 28 1 3 !!!Do not print this. Comment msg only. 11 0 29 1 3 !!!Do not print this. Comment msg only. 11 0 30 1 3 !!!Do not print this. Comment msg only. 11 0 31 1 21 "***Come on, boys, hoopla!" 11 0 31 2 21 "***Thanks, boys." 11 0 32 1 15 "<HIst><pOp> send ambulance to <cRack>." 11 0 32 2 15 "<sNaP> coroner requests assistance at <gArble>." 11 0 32 3 15 "....homicide team to <wHine>." 11 0 32 4 15 "<CracKle> Anyone seen Joe?" 11 0 33 1 9 "Stupid mime!" 12 0 0 1 99 ***There's no reason to do that to the veil. 12 7 0 1 99 ***Look at veil. 12 9 0 1 99 ***Why would Gabriel want to move the veil? 12 12 0 1 3 !!!Do not print this. Comment msg only.

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0 0 3 1 8 Excuse me, Mr. Laffer, but that book is checked out...to me! 0 0 3 2 1 Why, where did that come from? 0 0 3 3 8 (DISGUSTED) My desk. 0 0 3 4 1 Oh. (BEAT) Here. 0 0 3 5 8 Thanks. 0 0 3 6 1 Toodle-loo. 5 29 0 1 99 Not now, Larry. She'll see you! 5 29 4 1 99 Nice going, Larry. That ought to stimulate her "inner woman!" 5 29 5 1 8 Thank you. Is there anything else you'd like to check out? 5 138 0 1 5 Hmm, I think I'd better slip this back into its dust jacket so she doesn't notice! 5 8 0 1 99 Every book here is prudish and boring. Just what you'd expect a librarian to read... but not a swinger like you, Larry. 5 8 9 1 99 You've already taken one of her books; you don't need any more! 6 4 0 1 8 Just a moment. Let me look that up for you. 6 4 0 2 8 No, we don't seem to have anything on that! 6 4 0 3 8 No, that book is checked out. 6 4 0 4 8 I'm sorry, but everything we have on that topic is gone. 6 4 0 5 8 No. I find nothing on THAT in our computer. 6 4 0 6 8 Our Intranet contains nothing on that topic. 6 4 0 7 8 We have one book on that, but the Captain is reading it. 25 1 0 1 99 Her creamy thighs lurking deep within a conservative dress, Victorian Principles is a textbook case of repressed sexuality. 25 68 0 1 98 Victorian's Body 7 5 0 1 5 Wouldn't I love to roam through those stacks! 7 1 0 1 99 Her ample bosoms securely pinned beneath her stout corset, Victorian Principles is a smoldering cauldron of pent-up sexuality. 7 68 0 1 98 Victorian's Chest 3 1 0 1 99 Isn't that sweet? A little girl and her pussy. 3 68 0 1 98 Victorian's Calendar 4 1 0 1 99 (RHYMES WITH "SAUCE TWO POINT ONE") Victorian's computer is as conservative as she. DOS 2.1 indeed! 4 68 0 1 98 Victorian's Computer 16 1 0 1 99 These curtains match Victorian precisely: conservative, stable, dull and boring -- and yet, well-made, trim, and nicely hung, too. 16 68 0 1 98 Victorian's Curtains 8 1 0 1 99 Talk about anal retentive... 8 1 0 2 1 Were we? 8 1 0 3 99 (DISGUSTED) It's just a figure of speech, Larry. 8 1 0 4 1 Oh. 8 1 0 5 99 Forget it; let's just say Victorian keeps a tidy counter! 8 68 0 1 98 Counter Things 8 8 0 1 99 You have no desire... for that. 9 1 0 1 99 This book is entitled, "Intensity Through Dullness." 9 68 0 1 98 Dull Book 10 1 0 1 99 This book is entitled, "Prosaic and Uninspired: My Way of Life Can Now Be Yours Too" 10 68 0 1 98 Dull Book 11 1 0 1 99 This book is entitled, "Stodgy Is As Stodgy Does." 11 68 0 1 98 Dull Book 12 1 0 1 99 This book is entitled, "Monotonous and Tedious: How to Meet Boring People." 12 68 0 1 98 Dull Book 21 1 0 1 99 Her enticing eyes suppressed behind scholarly horn-rimmed glasses, Victorian Principles is an bubbling cauldron of sexuality. 21 68 0 1 98 Victorian's Eyes 24 1 0 1 99 Her classic bone structure uncolored by make-up or other artificial enhancments, Victorian Principles is a steamy teakettle of repressed sexuality. 24 68 0 1 98 Victorian's Face 15 1 0 1 99 An attractive dried flower arrangement graces Victorian's wall. 15 68 0 1 98 Dried Flowers 22 1 0 1 99 Her long luxurious auburn hair trapped in a stifling bun, Victorian Principles is a simmering sauce pot who never "lets down her hair." 22 68 0 1 98 Victorian's Hair 18 1 0 1 99 You can't wait until she reads your "special" book. (Perhaps she's just waiting for you to leave?) 18 1 8 1 99 Didn't you place that book on her "to be read" pile? 18 68 0 1 98 Victorian's Book 18 8 0 1 99 You don't want to take it... you want Victorian to read it! 18 8 8 1 1 What did you think of THIS book, Victorian? 18 8 8 2 8 Oh, my goodness! I never read literature like that! That's shocking. At least, I know I'm shocked. 18 8 8 3 5 Looks like she didn't even open it. 14 1 0 1 99 Victorian has a petite incandescent lamp here, for her late night work sessions. 14 68 0 1 98 Victorian's Lamp 1 1 0 1 99 Not enough people refer to paste as mucilage any more. 1 68 0 1 98 Mucilage 1 8 0 1 8 You aren't thinking of fingering my mucilage, are you? 1 8 0 2 1 Who, me? (LYING) Oh, no. 1 8 4 1 99 You never know when something should be more sticky! 23 1 0 1 99 Even Victorian's pen is in perfect alignment. 23 68 0 1 98 Victorian's Pen 13 1 0 1 99 Isn't that sweet? Victorian keeps photos of her family on her computer table. 13 68 0 1 98 Victorian's Photographs 19 1 0 1 99 "Prudish and Proud" Yes, this gal brings new meaning to the word "up tight!" 19 1 0 2 5 Hey! (Up. Tight. Yeah.) Isn't that two words? 19 1 0 3 99 Look: she's a tight ass, okay?! 19 1 4 1 5 While she's looking the other way, let's just see what she's reading. (PAGE THROUGH BOOK) Borrrrr-ing! 19 68 0 1 98 "Prudish and Proud" 19 8 0 1 8 I'm sorry, sir. I'm reading that particular book. 19 8 0 2 1 Oh. Is it good? 19 8 0 3 8 Oh, well of course, sir. If it weren't, I wouldn't read it. 19 8 4 1 5 Maybe I can just slip this out of here while she's not looking... 19 8 4 2 99 Congratulations, Fagin. Now what? 2 1 0 1 99 You've been known to pound a few in your day... but not rubber stamps! 2 68 0 1 98 Victorian's Rubber Stamps 17 1 0 1 99 Yes, Victorian has quite a set. 17 68 0 1 98 Victorian's Tea Set 20 161 0 1 8 Oh, I don't know anything at all about that. But I'm willing to learn. 20 28 0 1 8 Oh, my goodness! I never read literature like that! That's shocking. At least, I know I'm shocked. 20 26 0 1 8 How did you get that? Did it fall off the counter? Thanks for picking it up for me. I'll just leave it here. 20 126 0 1 1 How's your book? 20 126 0 2 8 Oh, quite uplifting. I so enjoy books affirming sound moral principles, don't you? 20 126 0 3 1 (OBVIOUSLY LYING) Oh, uh...yes! Yes, I do. But don't you ever read anything... spicier? 20 126 0 4 8 Oh, no. Those books don't appeal to me. All that panting and groping (GETS A LITTLE EXCITED) that... raw animal passion (MORE SO) that... (SHE REGAINS CONTROL)... well, it just encourages the wrong sort of thoughts. No, I only expose myself to great literature. 20 126 0 5 5 (WISTFULLY) I wish I was some great literature... 20 126 0 6 1 Yeah, great literature... yeah. 20 52 0 1 8 That looks dangerous. Are you allowed sharp objects? 20 34 0 1 8 Our library doesn't have any books on lights like that, but you may find something of interest in our electricity section. 20 106 0 1 1 What about these? 20 104 0 1 1 945.3 (PAUSE) 471.24 (PAUSE) 198.33 20 104 0 2 8 What are you doing? 20 104 0 3 1 Whaddaya think? Whispering Dewey decimal numbers to you! (BEAT) Turn you on? 20 104 0 4 8 Hardly. (BEAT) I've filed them all! 20 39 0 1 8 Books on gambling cheats? All checked out. 20 38 0 1 8 Snappy souvenir. 20 188 0 1 1 Do you know anything about a "Drew Baringmore?" 20 188 0 2 8 The famous author? But, of course. I'm sure we have at least one of her books here in the library. But it may be checked out. 20 131 0 1 1 But what do you do for entertainment? 20 131 0 2 8 Oh, I start at one end of the bookcase and read my way through to the other. Unfortunately, I'm now on my third pass through most of them. 20 30 0 1 8 I don't usually wear hose. 20 86 0 1 1 Nice talking to you, Victorian. Perhaps I'll stop by later. 20 86 0 2 8 All righty, then. Good day. 20 105 0 1 1 So? Ya got any good books? 20 105 0 2 8 Oh, many kinds. Unfortunately, you're a little late. All the really good ones are already gone. 20 105 0 3 5 I wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard that! 20 55 0 1 8 You didn't blow your nose in that, did you? 20 33 0 1 8 My cabin already has a nice reading lamp. 20 70 0 1 98 trigger existing seq. where she looks up something in the computer 20 100 0 1 1 Excuse me, Miss? 20 100 0 2 8 That's Mizz... Victorian Principles. 20 100 0 3 1 Nice to meet you. My name is Larry; Larry Laffer. 20 100 0 4 8 Oh, I so love dual first names. One cruise I met Boutros Boutros Ghali! 20 101 0 1 1 Hi ya, Vicki! 20 101 0 2 8 Yes? Oh, it's you again. 20 108 0 1 1 Would you like to know what I plan to do... tonight... in bed? 20 108 0 2 8 (CHECKING HIM OUT) I'll vote: "sleep?" 20 102 0 1 1 Are you the ship's librarian? 20 102 0 2 8 Yes, I am. Do you see something you'd like to... "check out?" 20 102 0 3 1 (GULP) Oh, I'm sure you have "something" I could explore... "in depth." 20 102 0 4 8 All righty. What is your cabin number? 20 102 0 5 1 (SURPRISED) Whoa, babe. Slow down. (SOTTE VOCE) And women say I'M fast! 20 102 0 6 8 (SHE HEARD HIM) Fast? Sir, we check out books by cabin number here. 20 102 0 7 1 Oh. (PAUSE) Zero. 20 102 0 8 8 Zero? (CHUCKLES) Tight budget? 20 102 0 9 1 No, you see... aw, you don't want to know! 20 102 0 10 8 Correct. 20 17 0 1 8 Your room? Hardly. I've seen the engine room. It's not great. In fact, it's a long way from great! 20 54 0 1 8 Oh, my! I had no idea such products even existed. How embarrassing! 20 18 0 1 8 (SHOCKED) Oh! (SPUTTER) That's horrible! Was that you? Maybe I'd better take anoth... no, never mind! Just keep it. 20 1 0 1 99 Victorian Principles looks like she's spent her whole life reading. But, all librarians are closet nymphomaniacs. It's a well-known fact! 20 1 0 2 5 It is? They are?! 20 1 0 3 99 It is in your dreams! 20 56 0 1 8 Ick. What's on this? 20 73 0 1 8 I certainly hope this wasn't one of our library's magazines! Someone just tore this page right out. Poor magazine. 20 23 0 1 8 Are you supposed to have that key? That looks like a ship key. 20 72 0 1 8 I have no need for cash. All my expenses are covered by the cruise line. 20 19 0 1 5 I'd better not. It doesn't make sense to give back something I "borrowed" fair and square. 20 68 0 1 98 Victorian Principles 20 49 0 1 8 I have no idea what that could be used for. What does it say (BEAT) (SHOCKED) Oh! 20 22 0 1 8 Yes, I have one of those too... somewhere. And my picture isn't very good either. 20 21 0 1 8 That's you, isn't it? But what's wrong with the lighting... the composition... and... is that another person's body? Naked? No, it couldn't be. Not in the same frame as you. 20 247 0 1 1 How about me whispering a few Dewey decimal numbers in your ear, Victorian? 20 247 0 2 8 As if I haven't heard THAT line before! Men. You're all alike. 20 107 0 1 1 How about the books in this pile on your counter? 20 107 0 2 8 Oh, those? Those are already checked out... to me! 20 107 0 3 1 That's a lot of reading for one cruise. 20 107 0 4 8 Not for me. I'll finish those tonight... in bed. 20 53 0 1 8 If we ever paint the library and I need to cover up all my bookcases, I'll be sure to call you. 20 48 0 1 8 20 74 0 1 8 No, thank you. I just ate. 20 130 0 1 1 I've never been much of a reader, Vicki. I'm more of a lover. 20 130 0 2 8 I'm more of a lover of reading. 20 35 0 1 8 I'm not that good with technology. My computer and its high speed satellite T1 Internet connection is about all I can handle. 20 16 0 1 8 Let's see now. (READ CARD) We're not doing too well, are we? 20 85 0 1 1 Did I mention my name is Larry? Now would you like to have sex? 20 85 0 2 8 You're disgusting! You'll never get anywhere with me, you pathetic loser! 20 129 0 1 1 Cruise ship life looks like an endless vacation! Don't you just love it? 20 129 0 2 8 Sure, it's perfect... if perfect means knowing that every day you're going to have exactly the same food you had that day last week, it's perfect. 20 129 0 3 1 But, all the fun, the night life, the non-stop partying? 20 129 0 4 8 Oh, well, not for us crew members. For us, it's more like never being able to leave the office! 20 31 0 1 8 Sometimes I spray that on my drawers. (REALIZING) Oh, no. I didn't mean... Ah. I'm sorry. 20 20 0 1 8 This is strange. It's like someone spread mucilage on the back of this. 20 24 0 1 8 Going somewhere? 20 15 0 1 1 What can you tell me about the ship's captain, that Ms. Thygh? 20 15 0 2 8 I know she's an excellent boss. I never see her. For some reason, she seems to spend an inordinate amount of time in her cabin. Paperwork, I presume. 20 15 0 3 1 Uh, yeah. Right. 20 37 0 1 8 Isn't this just the cheapest paper you've ever seen? I always buy mine in port, whenever we pull into Mexico. I find theirs to be quite consistent. 20 75 0 1 1 Tickle your ass with a feather? 20 75 0 2 8 (SHOCKED) What did you say?! 20 75 0 3 1 I said, "Particularly nasty weather!" 20 75 0 4 8 Oh. (BEAT) Really.

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0 0 3 1 8 (FINALLY! SEXUALLY FILLED OVER-ACTING!) Larry, it's time to turn my literary research into action! 0 0 3 2 1 (STUTTER AROUND WHILE ANIMATION PLAYS; NEXT YELP WILL INTERRUPT THIS) Well, yes, I could see that, I'd certainly like to help out, I could offer my services... 0 0 3 3 1 (ONE SECOND YELP AS PULLED ACROSS DESK) Whooaaaww! 0 0 3 4 1 (AS SHE TEARS YOUR CLOTHES OFF YOUR BODY) Oh! 0 0 3 5 1 Wow! 0 0 3 6 1 Yeow! 0 0 3 7 1 Yessss! 0 0 3 8 1 Yee-haw! Ride 'em, cowboy! 0 0 3 9 1 Yippee-I-yo-kay-eh! 0 0 3 10 1 Burp me like I'm Tupperware! 0 0 3 11 8 (RANDOM NOISES DURING SEX) Oh. 0 0 3 12 8 Oh, God. Yes! Oh, Larry! You're bringing out my inner woman! 0 0 3 13 8 Yes! Oh, yes! Such an animal! I didn't know you could have this much fun behind a desk! 0 0 3 14 8 Oh, Larry! 0 0 3 15 8 Ooooooooh. 0 0 3 16 1 (REALIZATION SETS IN) Oh. Now what am I gonna do, Vicki? 0 0 3 17 8 (EXHAUSTED) What more is left TO do, Lar-Lar? 0 0 3 18 1 I mean my clothes! How can I get back to my room naked?! 0 0 3 19 8 (SHE MEANS A BOOK'S DUST JACKET) Oh, don't worry, Lar. I can loan you a "jacket." 0 8 9 1 99 Take it? Are you kidding? Most of this stuff scares the crap out of you! 27 1 0 1 99 You hate to think where THAT'S been! 27 68 0 1 98 Vicki's Banana Peel 37 1 0 1 99 You get a charge from the new improved Vicki without the need for external power! 37 68 0 1 98 Vicki's Battery 24 1 0 1 99 A woman like this could MAKE you go blind! 24 68 0 1 98 Vicki's Blinds 17 1 0 1 8 You enjoy staring at my body, don't you? 17 1 0 2 1 Uh huh un huh un huh... 17 1 0 3 8 Well, then, go right ahead. It turns me on too. 17 68 0 1 98 Vicki's Body 18 5 0 1 5 Where have you been all my life? 18 1 0 1 5 Hmm. That reminds me. I wonder where I left my ear muffs? 18 68 0 1 98 Vicki's Chest 3 1 0 1 99 She's even changed her calendar! 3 68 0 1 98 Vicki's Calendar 39 1 0 1 99 That candle isn't the only thing dripping around here. 39 68 0 1 98 Vicki's Candle 33 1 0 1 99 Some guys like stuff like that, but you've always been more of a macho, domineering, studly type. Or, that's what you'd like to think! 33 68 0 1 98 Vicki's Cat o' Nine Tails 32 1 0 1 99 A rubber chicken is always good for a few laughs. 32 68 0 1 98 Vicki's Rubber Chicken 29 1 0 1 99 Oh, no! She's playing Leisure Suit Larry 6! 29 68 0 1 98 The Amiga of Love 23 1 0 1 99 It could be curtains for you if Vicki ever gets ahold of Little Larry! 23 68 0 1 98 Vicki's Curtains 6 1 0 1 99 Vicki's taste has certainly changed since you first met her. 6 68 0 1 98 Counter Things 6 8 0 1 99 You don't know what to do with most of this stuff. 19 1 0 1 99 Her enticing eyes no longer suppressed behind her scholarly horn-rimmed glasses, the all-new Revised Standard Vicki is a boiled-over cauldron of sexuality. 19 68 0 1 98 Vicki's Eyes 20 1 0 1 99 Her classic bone structure enhanced by make-up (and her other classic structures suitably unenhanced by anything), the new Vicki is bubbling over right before your very eyes! 20 68 0 1 98 Vicki's Face 26 1 0 1 99 Would you give up Cindy Crawford for a gerbil? 26 68 0 1 98 Gerbil Cage 30 1 0 1 99 Thank God that rubber glove is inflated and otherwise unused! 30 68 0 1 98 Vicki's Rubber Glove 21 1 0 1 99 Her long auburn hair cascading down her shoulders, hot Vicki has finally become a woman who knows how to let down her hair. 21 68 0 1 98 Vicki's Hair 4 1 0 1 99 "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex (But Didn't Have The Balls To Find Out For Yourself Through Experience)" 4 68 0 1 98 Sexy Book 5 1 0 1 99 This is that sailing masterpiece, "A Sail of Two Titties" by Charles Dickin'. 5 68 0 1 98 Sexy Book 7 1 0 1 99 "A Field Guide to Pornography," by M. U. Schwantz. 7 68 0 1 98 Sexy Book 8 1 0 1 99 "Bimbo Cheerleaders in Outer Space" 8 68 0 1 98 Vicki's Sexy Book 1 1 0 1 99 Mucilage? Isn't there enough sticky stuff on this counter? 1 68 0 1 98 Vicki's Mucilage 1 8 0 1 99 Sure, why not take it? There's plenty of sticky stuff here! 25 1 0 1 99 The red light seems superflous, wouldn't you think? 25 68 0 1 98 Vicki's Red Light 2 1 0 1 99 Once the only rubber Vicki was into was stamps! 2 68 0 1 98 Vicki's Rubber Stamps 35 1 0 1 99 You don't even want to know how Vicki uses that saddle. 35 68 0 1 98 Vicki's Saddle 31 1 0 1 99 You've always wanted to try one of those. Something tells you that this time you just might! 31 68 0 1 98 Vicki's Trapeze 16 131 0 1 1 But what do you do for entertainment? 16 131 0 2 8 Oh, I start at one end of the male passengers and work my way through to the other. Unfortunately, I'm now on my third pass through most of them. 16 103 0 1 1 Didn't you used to wear glasses, Victorian? 16 103 0 2 8 Yeah, but now they keep fogging up on me! (BEAT) But you know, Larry, without my glasses, you look pretty good. 16 103 0 3 5 I look even better in the dark! 16 70 0 1 8 I don't know about that, but I do know something else! 16 100 0 1 1 Excuse me, Miss. Didn't you used to be the ship's librarian? 16 100 0 2 8 I still am! So, is that a library book in your pocket or are you just glad to see me? 16 101 0 1 1 I'm back! 16 101 0 2 8 So you are. 16 1 0 1 99 Vicki looks like she's spent her whole life seducing innocent travelers. That book of yours really had some effect! 16 84 0 1 1 (REALIZING YOU CAN USE HER TO WIN) Let's see how you do on the old "LoveMaster 2000\05!" 16 84 0 2 8 Oh, good idea. But, it won't work. I'm an employee... and employees aren't allowed Thygh's Man Trophy scorecards. 16 84 0 3 1 But... I have a card. You could use mine! 16 84 0 4 8 (HESITATING) Well... I don't know... 16 84 0 5 1 (BAITING THE HOOK) No self-confidence, eh? 16 84 0 6 8 You're on! 16 84 8 1 1 Well, Vicki, you did it! You were amazing. 16 84 8 2 8 I was, wasn't I? The first perfect score in the history of the machine. 16 68 0 1 98 Vicki 16 247 0 1 1 How about me whispering a few Dewey decimal numbers in your ear, Vicki? 16 247 0 2 8 As if I haven't heard THAT line before! Men. You're all alike. You don't need a pick-up line. Just ask me! 16 107 0 1 1 My god, Vicki, I didn't know books like that were legal! 16 107 0 2 8 Oh, those? Those are nothing... you should see what's in my cabin. 16 107 0 3 5 I promise not to refuse! 16 111 0 1 1 There must be SOME way to test your theory that you're the most sexually-competant person aboard ship. 16 111 0 2 8 Oh, really? (DOUBTINGLY) How? 16 130 0 1 1 I've never been much of a reader, Vicki. I'm more of a lover. 16 130 0 2 8 I'm more of a reading lover. 16 16 0 1 8 I'm an employee... and employees aren't allowed Thygh's Man Trophy scorecards. 16 85 4 1 1 Ya know, you are the greatest, baby! Ka-chunk, ka-chunk. 16 85 4 2 8 Yeah, right; nice line. No, really. Since you left, I've done nothing but read about sex and now I'm the most sexually-knowledgeable person on this ship. 16 85 4 3 1 (HEY. MAYBE I'LL GET LAID AFTER ALL.) Oh, really? I'd like to see you prove that! 16 85 4 4 8 Yeah, I bet you would. No, I'll not prove it with you. I know now: you just weren't that good. 16 85 10 1 1 My name is Larry. Want to have sex? 16 85 10 2 8 Sure! 16 85 8 1 1 Waddaya say you share your knowledge with me? 16 85 8 2 8 God knows you could use the help! But I'm not a teacher, just a librarian. 16 129 0 1 1 I bet life aboard a cruise ship is like an endless vacation! Don't you just love it? 16 129 0 2 8 Sure, it's perfect... if perfect means knowing that every day you're going to have exactly the same men you had every day last week. 16 129 0 3 1 But, all the fun, the night life, the non-stop partying? 16 129 0 4 8 Oh, not for me. It's more like working in an office. 16 75 0 1 1 Particularly nasty weather? 16 75 0 2 8 (TICKLE YOUR ASS WITH A FEATHER JOKE:) Of course, you may... and what's more, I'll help you! 34 1 0 1 99 Little Larry loves whipped cream! 34 68 0 1 98 Vicki's Whipped Cream 38 1 0 1 99 It's better to be the whip-poor than the whip-pee! 38 68 0 1 98 Vicki's Whip

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6 1 0 1 99 The zipper on that mannequin's fly appears to be operational. 6 68 0 1 98 Mannequin's Fly 6 16 0 1 99 6 231 0 1 1 Let's just see what this guy's got... 6 231 0 2 99 Whew! What a place to hide a card reader! 6 231 3 3 21 (MECHANICAL) Your score is: 100. (NO LONGER MECHANICAL; ACTUALLY, EXCITED, GUNG HO!) Whoa! 100?! A perfect score? Cool! (SOFT & SEXY) You hunk. 6 231 3 4 99 Ah, the irony. You haven't changed a whit, yet you now precisely match the latest fashion trend! But... give those designers a few months. Soon enough, you'll once again be unhip! 6 231 2 3 21 (MECHANICAL) Your score is: two. 3 1 0 1 99 This console contains the ship's CyberFashion 2000\05 computer which uses powerful state-of-the-art massively-parallel neural-net processing to determine a person's stylishness quotient. Its 3-D scanner synthesizes images from a circular scanning platform and displays them on a high-resolution, 2048x2048, 32-bit color monitor. The CPU compares the scanned image with terabytes of trendy fashion data stored on the giant tape drives in the background. After computing the stylishness quotient to within one one-thousandth of one percent, it transmits the resulting score to the ship's central competition computer and simultaneously reports it here in the Fashion Competition Chamber through a 88k, 64-bit, 128x-oversampled, THX-certified voice synthesis system. (Whew!) 3 68 0 1 98 CyberFashion 2000\05 Console 3 6 0 1 99 Be careful touching this, Larry. You wouldn't want to start a nuclear war. 2 5 0 1 99 This is really why you bought this game, isn't it? 2 1 0 1 99 There must be some reason for that mannequin to be located where it is... and in that position. 2 1 0 2 5 Yeah, and for that considerable bulge inside his fly! 2 68 0 1 98 Mannequin 4 1 0 1 99 Images scanned by the circular scanning platform are displayed on this high-resolution monitor. 4 1 1 1 99 Hey, that's you! 4 68 0 1 98 Monitor 1 1 0 1 99 This platform is directly below the giant, 3-D, holographic scanner. 1 68 0 1 98 Scanning Platform 7 1 0 1 99 This giant, 3-D, holographic scanner uses exotic lavender-light lasers to wrap completely around anything placed on the scanning platform. 7 1 0 2 5 Lavender? 7 1 0 3 99 (DEFENSIVE) Listen, it's a fashion thing, okay? 7 68 0 1 98 CyberFashion 2000\05 5 1 0 1 99 Each of these tape drives is capable of holding well over a terabyte of data. And yet, you know, someday soon, it'll take two of these just to hold Microsoft Office! 5 68 0 1 98 Tape Drive

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3 1 0 1 99 This beaver hauls pins from the beaver hold below to the hopper's elevator ramp. In reward, he receives a few pellets of Beaver Chow. 3 68 0 1 98 Bucky 6 1 0 1 99 The cart hauls bowling pins from other storage hoppers to the pin holder, which then raises them to the deck above. 6 68 0 1 98 Pin Cart 7 32 0 1 99 7 1 0 1 99 This door provides access to the thousands of bowling pins the PMS Bouncy goes through every day. 7 68 0 1 98 Hopper Door 7 61 0 1 99 It IS unlocked. But what would you do inside a hopper full of bowling pins? 4 1 0 1 99 The PMS Bouncy is filled with these plastic beaver trails. 4 68 0 1 98 Habitrail 5 1 0 1 99 This hopper contains loads of fresh green Beaver Chow... just like Mother used to gnaw! 5 68 0 1 99 Pellet Hopper 2 1 0 1 99 Rube Goldberg would have been proud. (For that matter, so would Jeff Tunnell!) But doesn't it seem like a lot of trouble just to automatically set bowling pins? 2 68 0 1 98 Pin Setting Machine 1 43 0 1 99 You could pour the beaver milk on the pins... but why? 1 52 0 1 99 You want to carve the bowling pins into something? No. 1 32 0 1 99 Good idea. You slyly open the hopper door, and spray the entire can of deodorant all over the bowling pins. 1 32 1 1 99 Oh, once is more than enough. 1 54 1 1 99 That's close, but what good would it do to make them explode down here? 1 1 0 1 99 This hopper stores the bowling pins after they've been carved by the beavers in another hold, then sanded by... oh, never mind how they're made. Suffice it to say, these are the bowling pins! 1 68 0 1 98 Bowling Pin Hopper 1 31 0 1 99 Making them slippery should make them even harder to hit!

501.msgEdit

1 17 0 1 99 You try, but your keycard does nothing on this door. Which makes sense, since it doesn't have a card reader, it's got a keyhole! 1 1 0 1 99 The door has a small plaque with the words, "Automatic Pinsetter Hold -- Crewmembers Only!" 1 23 0 1 98 do it; and enter; set flag so we skip this scene from now on 1 68 0 1 98 Door 1 61 0 1 99 You can't. It's locked. 5 1 0 1 99 Beneath the floor's open steel mesh run several pipes... kind of like your Uncle Ray. 5 68 0 1 98 Floor 2 1 0 1 99 The handle looks unlocked. 2 68 0 1 98 Handle 2 220 0 1 99 You turn the handle and find out that looks can be deceiving. 4 1 0 1 99 The ceiling has many exposed pipes... kind of like your Uncle Walter. 4 68 0 1 98 Pipes 3 221 0 1 99 Holding your ear to the door's porthole, you hear the sounds of heavy machinery grinding away inside... kind of like your Uncle Jerry. 3 1 0 1 99 You can't see inside. The door's porthole is extremely dirty... kind of like your Uncle Bud. 3 68 0 1 98 Porthole

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0 0 1 1 98 flash the CyberSniff 2000 "musk" smell, smell #3. 8 161 0 1 99 8 1 0 1 99 Now there's a toned and fit beaver! Isn't she the picture of good health? 8 68 0 1 98 Drinking Beaver 7 161 0 1 99 7 1 0 1 99 Remember back in junior high school, that afternoon your English teacher stopped by the house to talk to your parents and your dog just wouldn't stop doing that? 7 68 0 1 98 Spasming Beaver 1 161 0 1 99 The beavers don't require anything you have... but they might be willing to share something with you. 1 1 0 1 99 That's one good-looking beaver. 1 234 0 1 99 That's a nifty idea. What are you going to store the milk in? 1 234 0 2 1 Um... my pockets? I think. 1 234 0 3 99 Think again. 1 234 2 1 99 If you think you're man enough, go ahead! 1 234 2 2 1 Was it good for you? 1 234 2 3 98 The Next Morning 1 68 0 1 98 Venezuelan Beaver 1 41 0 1 99 Surely you don't want to hit the beaver with the pot, do you? What is it you want to do? 9 161 0 1 99 9 1 0 1 99 What in the hell are those two doing!? 9 68 0 1 99 Two Close Beavers 2 1 0 1 99 The cruise line goes to an amazing amount of trouble just to keep their bowling alleys in fresh pins! (BEAT) Say, wasn't "Caged Beavers" that movie you saw on late-night cable last month? 2 68 0 1 98 Caged Beaver 2 61 0 1 99 Why would you want to open the beaver's cage? 2 41 0 1 99 You clang the pot on the beavers' cage... and attract their attention for a moment, but then, it's right back to work because: they're busy as little beavers! 2 71 0 1 99 Just can't get enough of that smell, can you, Larry? 6 68 0 1 98 Cage Door 6 61 0 1 99 This door is unlocked, so just as soon as you figure out what to do inside the cage you'll be all set. 6 82 0 1 99 For once, you've found a door that's NOT locked! 5 1 0 1 99 These tubes provide the ship's beaver with freedom and excellent exercise. 5 68 0 1 98 Connecting Tunnels 4 1 0 1 99 A few days ago, a mighty redwood. Now, a beaver hors d'oeuvre. 4 68 0 1 98 Log 3 1 0 1 99 (TV INFORMERCIAL VOICE) CyberZONE 2000\05, the all new sports and exercise beverage that keeps your beaver tan, toned and healthy. (BEAT) As seen on TV! 3 68 0 1 98 CyberZONE 2000\05

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1 17 0 1 99 You try, but your keycard does nothing on this door. Which makes sense, since it doesn't have a card reader, it's got a keyhole! 1 1 0 1 99 The door has a small plaque with the words, "Beaver Hold -- Crewmembers Only!" 1 1 0 2 5 I don't want to show off, but isn't "Beaver Hold" a registered trademark of GLOW -- the Glamorous Ladies of Wrasslin'? 1 23 0 1 98 do it; and enter; set flag so we skip this scene from now on 1 68 0 1 98 Door 1 61 0 1 99 You can't. It's locked. 5 1 0 1 99 Beneath the floor's open steel mesh run several pipes... kind of like your Uncle Willy. 5 68 0 1 98 Floor 2 1 0 1 99 The handle looks unlocked. 2 68 0 1 98 Handle 2 220 0 1 99 You turn the handle and find out that looks can be deceiving. 4 1 0 1 99 The ceiling has many exposed pipes... kind of like your Uncle Mike. 4 68 0 1 98 Pipes 3 221 0 1 99 Holding your ear to the porthole, you think you hear the sounds of squealing and gnawing -- kind of like your Uncle Duane. 3 1 0 1 99 You can't see inside, because the porthole in the door is extremely dirty, kind of like your Uncle Art. 3 68 0 1 98 Porthole

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0 0 1 1 1 (ENTHUSIASTICALLY) Next!

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0 0 1 1 1 (DISPAIR AT MOUNTAIN OF SUITCASES) Oh, no! How will I ever find Drew's suitcase among all these? It'd be like finding a needle in a haystack! 0 0 1 2 18 (GORILLA NOISES) Gorilla noises. 0 0 1 3 1 Ouff! (OUCH) Ow! 3 1 0 1 1 What WAS that? 3 1 0 2 99 That was merely a figment of your imagination, Larry! 3 1 0 3 1 Yeah, well, my figment hurts! 3 68 0 1 98 Luggage 2 1 0 1 99 Evidently the PMS Bouncy is larger on the inside than on the outside! 2 68 0 1 98 Vast Cargo Hold 1 1 0 1 99 The luggage tag on the side of this suitcase reads, "Drew Baringmore." 1 1 0 2 5 Finally. Some good luck! 1 68 0 1 98 A Suitcase

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1 17 0 1 99 You try, but your keycard does nothing on this door. Which makes sense, since it doesn't have a card reader, it's got a keyhole! 1 1 0 1 99 The door has a small plaque with the words, "Luggage Hold -- Crewmembers Only!" 1 23 0 1 98 do it; and enter; set flag so we skip this scene from now on 1 68 0 1 98 Door 1 61 0 1 99 You can't. It's locked. 5 1 0 1 99 Beneath the floor's open steel mesh run several pipes... kind of like your Uncle Bob. 5 68 0 1 98 Floor 2 1 0 1 99 The handle looks unlocked. 2 68 0 1 98 Handle 2 220 0 1 99 You turn the handle and find out that looks can be deceiving. 4 1 0 1 99 The ceiling has many exposed pipes... kind of like your Uncle Harvey. 4 68 0 1 98 Pipes 3 221 0 1 99 Holding your ear to the porthole, you think you hear the sounds of squealing and gnawing -- kind of like your Uncle Scott. 3 1 0 1 99 You can't see inside, because the porthole in the door is extremely dirty, kind of like your Uncle Pat. 3 68 0 1 98 Porthole

540.msgEdit

0 0 3 1 99 You set the cute little kitchen timer for exactly 55 minutes, mix the kumquat into your pot of beaver cheese, throw in a few more things you find lying under the kitchen counter, then place the entire mess in a clean baking dish, and slam it in the oven. (BEAT) Well, okay, "a" baking dish. 0 0 3 2 5 Say. That doesn't smell half bad. 0 0 3 3 99 No. It smells ALL bad! 7 92 0 1 99 Not even you would eat that. 7 1 0 1 99 The CaviarMaster 2000\05 is for those who like their eggs fishy, yet fresh! 7 68 0 1 98 Caviarmaster 2000\05 7 146 0 1 1 (SQUEEZING CAVIER FROM A DEAD FISH) Unnnngh. 7 71 0 1 1 Peeeow! 7 8 0 1 1 (DISGUSTED) Yuck. No way. 11 43 0 1 1 Let's see... some beaver milk, this mold scraped from my shower wall, a pinch of salt and this lime juice.... 11 43 0 2 99 And voila! Venezuelan Beaver Cheese! 11 43 0 3 1 Phew. That stuff stinks! 11 43 2 1 99 Once again, Larry, you're missing something. 11 43 2 2 1 I wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard that! 11 43 2 3 99 No, you're missing an ingredient essential to the cheese-making process. 11 43 2 4 1 Oh. 11 45 0 1 99 11 45 2 1 99 11 1 0 1 99 The CyberCheese 2000\05. Just add ingredients and step waaaaaay back. 11 44 0 1 99 11 44 2 1 99 11 68 0 1 98 CyberCheese 2000\05 11 42 0 1 99 11 42 2 1 99 11 71 0 1 99 Mold IS an integral part of cheese, right? 11 8 0 1 99 Unfortunately this isn't the portable CyberCheese 2000\05 with active matrix screen. Darn the luck. 25 92 0 1 99 No. Save it for later. 25 92 1 1 99 Oops. You should have eaten it earlier! 25 7 0 1 1 Mmmm. That's not bad. 25 7 0 2 99 Considering it's been sitting out, unrefrigerated, for days. 25 7 0 3 1 Doh! 25 1 0 1 99 (PUSS IS SHORT FOR PUSSY CAT) Mmmm. Cookie Puss. 25 68 0 1 98 Cookiepuss 12 1 0 1 99 These drawers haven't been opened since the Truman administration. 12 68 0 1 98 Drawer 12 61 0 1 99 You'll never get into these drawers. 12 61 0 2 1 I wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard that! 17 1 0 1 99 It's a tub of entrails and even worse stuff. Our artists drew a close-up of it, but it made our programmers ill! 17 68 0 1 98 Tub o' Entrails 17 8 0 1 99 You really want to gross yourself out, don't you? 21 1 0 1 99 So that's why dinner was so late last night! 21 68 0 1 98 Fishing Pole 21 8 0 1 99 Whenever you go fishing, all you catch is a cold! 9 1 0 1 99 These fish must not be very good. 9 1 0 2 1 Oh? (BEAT) Why? 9 1 0 3 99 They're working with a net! 9 1 0 4 98 Rim shot! 9 68 0 1 98 Fish Net 9 8 0 1 99 (FAUX BOGART) Something about this whole deal smells fishy. Leave 'em alone. 14 1 0 1 99 Apparently these fish were on the wrong side in the seafood revolution. 14 68 0 1 98 Fishheads 14 8 0 1 99 When you think of some earthly use for a bunch of fishheads, this is where you should come. 10 1 0 1 99 It's a fish, wrapped in an old issue of Professional Hash Slinger Magazine. 10 1 0 2 1 Oh, good. My subscription just ran out. 10 68 0 1 98 Wrapped Fish 10 8 0 1 99 That fish has gone bad. 10 8 0 2 1 How can you tell? 10 8 0 3 99 Little things; the earring, the tattoo, the surly expression. 10 8 0 4 1 How about if I toss the fish, but keep the magazine it's wrapped in? 10 8 0 5 99 That's good. 13 1 0 1 99 The garbage can is the only thing in this kitchen that's scrupulously clean. (THOUGHTFULLY) It's like they never throw anything away... 13 68 0 1 98 Garbage Can 13 8 0 1 99 There's nothing hidden in the garbage can, okay? You can see all the way to the bottom. 13 8 0 2 1 But Al Lowe ALWAYS hides something in the garbage! 13 8 0 3 99 Not this game. Munsil wouldn't let him! 3 1 0 1 99 Some chefs aren't comfortable cooking without the traditional French tools. 3 68 0 1 98 Guillotine 3 8 0 1 99 What are you, a demented revolutionary? Besides, it's attached to the table. 4 1 0 1 99 And you should never watch laws being made, either. 4 68 0 1 98 Grinder 4 8 0 1 99 No. No! NO!! 32 1 0 1 99 You've always found the concept of sticking insects to curly paper appealing. 32 68 0 1 98 Pest Strip 19 1 1 1 5 Why did a pig in a python show up now? 19 1 1 2 99 Artistic license. 19 68 1 1 98 Snake 29 1 0 1 99 No! Not Fifi!! 29 1 1 1 99 What happened to that poodle that was hanging there?! 29 68 0 1 98 Fifi 5 1 0 1 99 Nice pot. 5 1 0 2 5 Reminds me of my college days. The judge gave me six months probation. 5 68 0 1 98 Pot 5 8 0 1 98 add to inven 1 1 0 1 99 The refrigerator doesn't seem to be operational. The smell of rotten fish seeps out through the cracks in the door's rubber seal. (BEAT) At least you hope that's what that smell is! 1 68 0 1 98 Refrigerator 1 61 0 1 99 For the love of God, no! 16 1 0 1 99 To save money, someone sewed the beginning of this towel to its end, making one long circle. While that may save money, it certainly doesn't encourage confidence in the chef's cleaniness. The label on the side says "last serviced: June 1954." 16 68 0 1 98 Continuous Towel 16 97 0 1 99 A small label on the side of the roller towel says, "Next service: October, 1954." 6 1 0 1 99 This shaker contains only genuine sea salt (scraped from the hull of the ship before its annual hosing down). 6 68 0 1 98 Salt 6 8 0 1 99 Pass the salt. 6 8 0 2 1 That's not funny. 6 8 0 3 99 Okay, YOU try making the jokes all the time! 8 46 0 1 99 Ah. Baked beaver cheese. Rather like baked brie? 8 47 0 1 99 To prepare a dish, combine your ingredients first. 8 1 0 1 99 Do you know the three principal parts of the common wood stove? The lifter, leg and poker. 8 1 0 2 98 drum fill 8 68 0 1 98 Stove 2 1 0 1 99 Adds a new dimension to last night's swordfish dinner, eh, Larry? 2 1 0 2 1 (TRYING TO KEEP HIS DINNER DOWN) Ummm...yeah. 2 68 0 1 98 Swordfish 2 8 0 1 99 Taking that would exceed your leisure suit's load limit! 18 1 0 1 99 Mmmm... just chock full of tentacle-y goodness. 18 68 0 1 98 Tentacles 18 8 0 1 99 You don't need those; you're already a sucker!

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0 0 10 1 1 Well, here we are, Drew. It's not much, but it is roomy. 0 0 10 2 9 Okay, Larry. Just give me a minute to hop in your shower and rinse off this sunscreen. 0 0 10 3 5 Hmm. Steam's not the only thing rising! 3 1 0 1 99 These barrels were once used to store toxic sludge, but apparently no longer. 3 1 0 2 1 Well, that's good. 3 1 0 3 99 Not that good. It's all leaked out onto your floor. 3 1 0 4 1 Doh! 3 68 0 1 98 Barrels 3 71 0 1 99 Just run your finger around your CyberSniff 2000\05 card; that's close to how these barrels smell. 6 1 0 1 99 While it may look like there are two pipes leaking near your bed, there's really just one. The rolling of the ship makes the water land on either side of your pillow. 6 1 0 2 1 Well, that's good, I guess. 6 1 0 3 99 Not that good. Guess where it's going to land when the sea is calm. 6 1 0 4 1 Doh! 6 68 0 1 98 Bucket 6 8 0 1 99 If you take the bucket, the water will drip all over the floor. 6 8 0 2 1 So? 6 8 0 3 99 It's a sly, subtle way of telling you the bucket isn't something you can take. Geez, after this many adventure games, you'd think you'd get the lingo. 5 207 13 1 98 show him stand and ship start rocking again 5 95 0 1 1 (YAWN WHILE SPEAKING) Time for a little shut-eye. 5 95 0 2 1 (WATER DRIPS RIGHT ON YOUR FACE) Doh! 5 95 0 3 99 Well... calm seas! 5 1 0 1 99 You've been provided with the finest in army surplus cots. 5 1 0 2 1 Well, that's good. 5 1 0 3 99 Not that good. It's from the Uzbekistan Army, and the only reason it's surplus is because sleeping on it is less comfortable than sleeping on frozen tundra. 5 1 0 4 1 Doh! 5 68 0 1 98 Cot 5 71 0 1 99 Imagine a soaking wet dog crossed with a drunk on a three-day bender. 5 71 0 2 1 Yuch. 5 71 0 3 99 You can say that again. 5 71 0 4 1 Yuch. 5 71 0 5 99 It was a figure of speech, Larry! 5 71 0 6 1 Oh. Well. I knew that. 8 1 1 1 99 The toilet's drain pipe appears to be clogged with something. 8 1 2 1 99 The drain pipe is now unclogged, but it's tough to call it an improvement. 8 68 0 1 98 Drain Pipe 14 80 0 1 9 (LIKE YOU'VE BEEN GOOSED) Whoa! Larry, there'll be plenty of time for that once I'm done showering. Be patient, my little Fokker feller. 14 90 0 1 9 Larry, please; I like to shower by myself. 14 1 0 1 99 You've gotten Drew this far; now if you could just get her out of the shower. 14 68 0 1 98 Drew 14 10 0 1 9 Larry, stop bothering me. I'm still oily. 14 4 4 1 1 Drew, are you coming out soon? 14 4 4 2 9 In a minute, Larry. I just need to get this lotion off. When they said waterproof, they really meant it. 14 4 5 1 1 Drew, isn't that lotion off by now? 14 4 5 2 9 Oh, maybe, but I like to be sure. Don't mind me; just go about your business. I'll be out just as soon as I'm squeaky clean all over. 14 4 6 1 1 Would you like a little company? I could scrub your back. 14 4 6 2 9 Thanks, Larry. Ever since I started yoga, I've been able to scrub my own back. 14 4 7 1 1 Drew, you must be turning into a big pink raisin in there. 14 4 7 2 9 Actually, this sunscreen is pretty tough. So far the water just beads up and runs off. I can't even get my hair wet. I'll be out soon. 14 4 7 3 5 I think this is a usage of the word "soon" I'm not familiar with. 14 4 8 1 1 Drew, do you mind if I go run some errands around the ship for a few minutes? 14 4 8 2 9 No problem, Larry. Go ahead; I'll probably be out by the time you get back and then we can Fokker all night. 14 4 8 3 5 (READY TO EXPLODE WITH SEXUAL TENSION) Ohhhh.... 13 1 0 1 99 Your mystery date seems to have dropped her hanky. 13 68 0 1 98 Lace Hanky 13 71 0 1 99 It smells of gardenias, with hints of rosewater and intrigue. 4 1 0 1 99 The shop light illuminates very little; much of the engine room is shrouded in darkness. 4 1 0 2 1 Well, that's good. 4 1 0 3 99 No, Larry, that's VERY good! 4 68 0 1 98 Shop Light 4 8 0 1 99 The shop light is firmly attached to the ceiling. You couldn't take it even if you had a really long ladder, an electrician's toolkit, and no common sense at all. 4 8 0 2 1 Hey. Was that a clue? 4 8 0 3 99 No. That was a "no." 12 1 0 1 99 The steam from Drew's shower has produced a small patch of mold. 12 68 0 1 98 Mold 12 71 0 1 99 We were going to add the mold smell to your CyberSniff 2000\05 card, but several states have laws forbidding it. 12 8 0 1 9 Larry, I like to be alone when I shower. No offense. 12 8 0 2 1 Um... none taken. 12 8 0 3 99 Actually, NOTHING taken. 11 1 0 1 99 (SING) Oh, Larry boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling. 11 1 0 2 1 (SARCASTIC) Lovely. 11 1 0 3 99 (ELVIS IMPERSONATION) Thank you. Thank you very much! 11 1 0 4 1 So how do the pipes look? 11 1 0 5 99 Just decorative. 11 68 0 1 98 Pipes 2 1 0 1 99 This Lil' Giant Safety Shower was built according to the traditional principles of design and workmanship of the master craftsmen of Vrohuti. 2 1 0 2 1 Well, that's good. 2 1 0 3 99 Not that good. Their traditional principle is: "Make it last until the warranty expires." 2 1 0 4 1 Doh! (WAIT A SECOND) Oh, wait: when will that be? 2 1 0 5 99 Give or take a week? 2 1 0 6 1 Sure. 2 1 0 7 99 'Bout twelve years ago. 2 1 0 8 1 Doh! 2 68 0 1 98 Safety Shower 9 1 0 1 99 Someone stuffed a spray can into the toilet's drain. 9 1 0 2 1 Oh. That's bad. 9 1 0 3 99 Not THAT bad. This way, nothing runs out on your feet! 9 1 0 4 1 Doh! 9 68 0 1 98 Spray Can 9 8 0 1 98 grab the can 10 1 0 1 99 These tanks are filled with deadly poisonous gas, but don't worry; they were recently inspected. 10 1 0 2 1 Oh, that's good. How can you tell? 10 1 0 3 99 The inspector dated the safety violation sticker. 10 1 0 4 1 Doh! 10 68 0 1 98 Tanks 7 30 0 1 1 Now that toilet will have plenty of water! 7 206 9 1 99 The toilet worked perfectly when this cabin's last occupant checked in. 7 206 9 2 1 Oh, that's good. 7 206 9 3 99 Not that good. He had to plug up its drain pipe to keep it from leaking all over the floor. 7 206 9 4 1 Doh! 7 206 11 1 5 This ought to get her out of there. 7 206 11 2 9 (SCALDED) Yeow! 7 206 11 3 1 Oops. 7 206 11 4 9 You bastard! That's it. I'm not staying here. And don't try coming around the pool, either! 7 206 11 5 1 Drew! Wait! 7 206 11 6 99 Well, that certainly seems to have gone well. 7 206 12 1 99 Now the toilet drains freely. 7 206 12 2 1 Well, that's good. 7 206 12 3 99 Not that good. It hasn't been connected to a water pipe in thirty-four years! 7 206 12 4 1 Doh! 7 207 14 1 99 What? Not without wiping! 7 7 0 1 99 (REALLY GROSSED OUT) Yeeccchh. Maybe this interface wasn't such a great idea?! 7 1 1 1 99 This toilet doesn't work. It has no water coming in, and the drain seems to be plugged up. 7 1 9 1 99 The toilet may have water coming in now, but its drain is still clogged. 7 1 3 1 99 The toilet now has access to plenty of water. Nothing keeps you from flushing it, except a tiny shred of common sense. 7 1 2 1 99 The drain has been unclogged, but until this toilet has water going to it, it's just gathering dust. 7 68 0 1 98 Toilet 7 77 1 1 99 Perhaps you should look at the toilet first. 7 77 9 1 99 7 77 3 1 98 (do it) 7 77 11 1 99 Now there's an impressive way to start your "first date!" 7 77 14 1 99 Good idea. Get everything done at once! 7 77 2 1 99 You could, but then you couldn't flush it. And surely it smells badly enough in here even for you! 7 93 3 1 98 7 71 0 1 99 Let's put it this way: it hasn't been sanitized for your protection. Capisce (KA-PEESH)? 7 37 14 1 1 (IT'S SANDPAPER!) YEOW! That's rough! 7 3 3 1 98 (walk him over and sit him down) 7 214 14 1 99 What are you going to use, your leisure suit? 15 5 0 1 99 It feels just like sandpaper; maybe 40 grit. 15 1 0 1 99 The toilet paper is like Clint Eastwood's face: old and rough, yet tanned and ready for love. It's at least a couple grades below grocery sack. 15 68 0 1 98 Toilet Paper 15 71 0 1 99 Mmmm. Papery. 15 8 0 1 98 go on. take it. handle whether standing or on the can 1 30 0 1 5 1 1 0 1 99 This pipe is clearly marked "water," for what that's worth. 1 68 0 1 98 Water Pipe 1 61 0 1 99 A quick turn of the valve is enough to convince you this pipe contains water at high pressure. Be careful or it'll spew all over. 1 61 0 2 5 I wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard that! 1 71 0 1 99 It smells like a big rusty pipe. (BEAT) You were expecting maybe "gardenias?"

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0 0 5 1 24 (LITTLE GIRL VOICE) Mommy? Why is the funny man wearing a diaper? 0 0 14 1 16 (DELIGHTED) Oouuuh! Wouldn't I love a bite of THAT! 0 0 14 2 5 (Yech!) 0 0 18 1 34 (LIKE JAPANESE TOUR BUS AT MT. RUSHMORE) Ohh. Ahh. Ah so. Very good. Yah yah. 0 0 13 1 24 (OLD WOMAN IN SHOCK AND HORROR) You damn hippies should be ashamed! 0 0 7 1 5 Okay, there's my room. I'm gonna make it without a single soul seeing me naked! 0 0 8 1 5 Ah, here's my room. This time I made it! 0 0 9 1 5 Just a little farther. This time I'm gonna make it for sure! 0 0 10 1 5 No one's seen me yet. So far, so good. 0 0 11 1 5 This time I've got to make it without running into somebody. I can't be THAT unlucky! 0 0 12 1 5 Surely I won't run into somebody THIS time! 0 0 22 1 5 Aw, hell. I don't even care anymore. Let 'em come! Take a look! Take a gander! See what you want!! Two for a nickel! 0 0 15 1 24 (SHOCKED) Oh. (HORRIFIED) Oh! (INTERESTED SEXUALLY) Oooooh! 0 0 20 1 12 (DELIGHT AT FINDING A NAKED MAN) Well, shiver me timbers! 0 0 20 2 5 Oh, no! 0 0 20 3 12 (RETRACT RULER AND STOMP OFF IN DISGUST) Looks like somebody already shivered that poor little timber! (MUMBLE AS YOU TURN OFF-MIKE) G*d d*mn sh*t-face c**ks**king mother-f**king son of a b***h 0 0 20 4 5 (JACK BENNY HURMPH) Well. 0 0 19 1 22 Next, on "Inside Affair:" The Lust Boat! Coming in a port near you?! 2 17 17 1 99 You insert your keycard into the slot with great anticipation. What will your "special suite" be like?

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0 0 1 1 23 (DRIPPING WITH MYSTERY AND SEX) Larry. So nice you could... drop by. (HE'S NAKED) And dressed for the occasion. 0 0 1 2 5 Whoa! Who's this? Gotta play it cool. 0 0 1 3 1 (START SUAVE, LOSE IT) Um... yes, I always like to be...dressed...in things. 0 0 1 4 5 Rats! 0 0 1 5 32 What a sap! 0 0 1 6 23 I've got a problem, Larry. The old man. 0 0 1 7 1 Oh, that old guy in the wheelchair? 0 0 1 8 5 She must be his nurse. 0 0 1 9 23 Yes, exactly. I'm tired, Larry. I got into this for a reason. 0 0 1 10 32 To become a rich widow. 0 0 1 11 23 But I'm so tired... of waiting. Ya get me? 0 0 1 12 5 (SLOWLY, THEN ACCELERATE AS YOU FIGURE IT OUT) She loves nursing, but she doesn't have enough time for sex! 0 0 1 13 1 (LIKE ANNETTE'S EARLIER LINE) Oh, I gotcha. 0 0 1 14 23 I thought it would be easy. He looks like he's ready to keel over any second. But he saves up his strength 'til we're back in the cabin. And then he wears me out. 0 0 1 15 32 I've had my fill of boning that old coot! 0 0 1 16 23 The constant pressure. The endless pounding. 0 0 1 17 5 Oh! A physical therapist too! (NOW INTROSPECTIVE) I wonder if it's true what they say about physical therapists? 0 0 1 18 1 (CARING) I see your problem and... and... (PROUDLY) I'm your solution! 0 0 1 19 32 This is easier than I thought. 0 0 1 20 23 So you're willing to "do the dirty deed?" 0 0 1 21 5 This is easier than I thought. 0 0 1 22 1 Hey, sweetheart. I'm always willing to help a dame in need. 0 0 1 23 32 What a putz! 0 0 1 24 23 Yes, (THAT'S WHAT I NEED) help. I'll make it worth your while. How 'bout a little sample? Right now.... 0 0 1 25 5 Sample? More like a "taste of things to come!!" 0 0 1 26 1 (ORGASM FUNNY AND QUICKLY) Oooooohhhh!! 0 0 1 27 23 Come by my cabin late tonight and we'll work out the kinks. 0 0 1 28 32 I'll lay out my plan. He'll do the killing. I'll get off scot-free. 0 0 1 29 1 Sounds great! When can you "fit me in?" 0 0 1 30 1 Wait! What cabin? 0 0 1 31 1 What's your name? 0 0 1 32 1 Oh.

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