Ken's Jokes

That bore on the stool next to you is telling you bad jokes. In the game only the punchlines are given. Below is the rest of the jokes from the hintbook.

Are you sure you want to read them? They're pretty raunchy!

They're not that funny.

Well, OK, some of them are pretty funny!

A recently recruited lumberjack was bemoaning the lack of female companionship at his new outpost in the North Woods. He asked the foreman what the other men do. The foreman replied. "Up on the hill behind thai shed is a barrel with a knothole in its side. Most of the guys use that." The lumberjack said he could never do that, and walked away. But. he soon changed his mind, and late one night, headed up the hill. There, behind the shed, he found the barrel and tried the knothole. To his surprise, he found it quite pleasant; in fact, very enjoyable.

Over breakfast the next morning, he remarked to the foreman. "Say. that barrel is truly amazing! Does this mean that any night I want to, I can just go behind the shed and use that barrel?" "Any night but Thursdays." the foreman replied. "Why not Thursdays?" asked the lumberjack. The foreman replied... ...'cause Thursday's your night in the barrel!

This is one of those classic, three-ethnic -group, fill-in-the-blank jokes, where you substitute the ethnic group you wish to offend. It could be Pollak-Italian-Jew; minister-priest-rabbi; or whatever; just fill in suitable group names when you tell it. Being a programmer. I'll use the variables A. B. and C:

An A. a B and a C were driving a country road late at night when they had car trouble. Of course, there was a farmer's house nearby, and of course he said. "Sure, but one of you will have to sleep in the barn, since I live here all alone and only have two spare beds!" So A went out to the barn, but within a few minutes, there was a knock at the back door. The farmer opened the door, and there stood A. saying, "I can't sleep out there. That cow smells terrible!" So B went to the bam. but again, in a few minutes, there was a knock at the back door. The fanner opened the door, and there stood B. "I can't sleep out there. That pig smells terrible!" So C went to the barn, and within a few minutes, there was another knock at the back door. The farmer opened the door- and there stood the pig and the cow!

Liza was on a country drive with her boyfriend Ernie, when she realized she simply had to go to the bathroom. She kept wailing and wailing for a gas station to appear, but finally a rough bridge got the best of her. She screamed. "Stop the car. Ernie!" He did. she leaped out right in the middle of the bridge, ran to the railing, hiked her skirt, and stuck her rather large rear-end over the railing, just in the nick of time!

Heaving a sigh of relief as she finished, she glanced down, let out a shriek, and ran back to the car in embarrassment. "What's wrong. Liza?" asked Ernie. "Oh, Ernie, I'm so ashamed! In my dire need, I forgot to check the creek below the bridge. Ernie. I've just urinated into a canoe!" Ernie replied... ...dammit Liza, doncha know your own reflection? 

Two nuns were traveling to town for supplies when they were accosted, robbed, and raped by two young men- As they resumed their journey, the younger nun said. "Oh. Sister! Whatever will Mother Superior say when we tell her we were raped twice on our journey to town?" The elder nun replied, "What do you mean, twice?' The younger nun said, "Well,... we are coming back this way, aren't we?

The Lone Ranger was captured by outlaws, tried by their kangaroo court, and sentenced to die at dawn the following day. His last wish was to say goodbye to his dear friend. Silver. That night the outlaws granted his request, the Lone Ranger whispered in Silver's car. slapped him, and the big horse ran off to freedom. Al dawn, the Lone Ranger had the noose around his neck when he spotted Silver galloping over the hilltop with a beautiful, naked woman riding on his back! The Lone Ranger shouted,... ...you idiot! I said POSSE!

Ernie had too much to drink and decided to go sleep it off in his car. leaving Liza all alone at the bar. A big dude walked by her. looked her over and said. "Ooh, Liza! You've got the prettiest knees I've ever seen! I'd just love to rub those for you!" She ignored this impudent remark, and continued to drink. A little later, she was a little drunker, and her skirt had slipped a little higher. The same dude walked by again, and said. "Ooooh, Liza! You've got the prettiest thighs I've ever seen! I'd just love to cover those with oil and rub it all in for you!" She also ignored this remark, and continued drinking. A little later, she was a lot drunker, and her skirt had slipped a lot higher. The same dude walked by again, and said, "Ooooooh, Liza! Why, that's the prettiest thing I've ever seen! I'd like to fill that up with ice cream, and eat it all out!"

Liza had had enough! She hopped off the stool, stomped from the bar, raced to the car, and woke Ernie. "Ernie, you good for nothing. I want you to go in that bar and defend my honor!" Ernie grumbled. "What the devil are you talking about, woman?" She says. "Why, this big dude came walking by and said I have the prettiest knees he's ever seen, and then he said I have the prettiest thighs he's ever seen, and then he said I have the prettiest thing he's ever seen, and he wants to fill it with ice cream, and eat it all out! Now, you get in there and defend my honor!!" Ernie just rolled over, closed his eyes, and said. "Dammit, Liza... ...nobody can eat THAT much ice cream!

One Saturday evening, a priest realized there was no wine for the morning services. He quickly headed for town still dressed in his old clothes. Since his usual store was closed, he used a shop in a rather questionable neighborhood. He completed his purchase and walked outside as a lady of the evening shouted. "Hey, buddy! Twenty-five bucks for a quickie?" He ignored her. and returned to the church. However, his curiosity had been piqued, so seeing Sister Liza in the garden, he asked. "Sister Liza, what's a quickie?" She replied... ...25 bucks, same as in town!

Limerick
This is the final line to the oldest dirty limerick I know.

...just think of the money he saved!

There are a number of limericks that end with this line, most are variants on the same rhyme. No examples appear in the manual for LSL1 but below are common examples and variants.

There once was a hermit named Dave Who kept a dead whore in his cave. "I know it's a sin," He said with a grin, "But think of the money I save!"

There once was a man Dave Who kept a dead whore in a cave I'll have to admit It did smell like shit But think of the money he saved

There once was a man from Belgrave Who found an old whore in a cave He said, "That's disgusting! She only needs dusting, And think of the money I'll save!"

There once was a miser named Dave Who dug up a whore from her grave She was moldy as shit, and missing a tit But think of the money he saved.

There once was a hermit named Dave Who kept a dead whore in a cave Though he kept her on ice She didn't smell very nice But just think of the money he saved.

I once knew a man named Dave who kept a dead whore in a cave even though she was cold and covered in mold just think of the money he saved!

There once was a man named Dave Who kept a dead whore in a cave Each night he would screw her and she smelt like a sewer But think of the money he saved!

There was a young man from Belgrave, Who kept a dead whore in a cave. He said "I admit, I'm a bit of a shit, But think of the money I save."

There once was a hermit named Dave, Who kept a dead whore in his cave, And although I'll admit, That she did stink a bit, Just think of the money he saved!