The Ladies of Leisure Suit Larry (IGN)

The Ladies of Leisure Suit Larry was a special series of articles produced by "IGN Staff" (David Fingerhut, Garland Merriweather, and others) giving background to Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude. However, there is little information on if they authorized official spin-off material or just clever review/advertising from IGN themselves (and a form of fan fiction). This article includes some of the material included.

April 2004
Episode One: Sally Mae Beauregard.

Vital Stats:
 * BORN: July 3, 1984
 * HOMETOWN: Meat Cove, Oklahoma
 * MAJOR: Agricultural Studies
 * HEIGHT (with hat): 5' 11 
 * HEIGHT (without hat): 5' 7"
 * WEIGHT (with hat): 125 lbs 5 oz.
 * WEIGHT (without hat): 125 lbs 2 oz.
 * MEASUREMENTS: 34-20-36
 * TURN-ONS: Pony-tails, beards, distinctive guitar-straps
 * TURN-OFFS: The IRS, Charlie Daniels
 * HOBBIES: Cattle-branding, leather-working, Baccarat
 * FAVORITE MOVIE: Red-Headed Stranger
 * FAVORITE TELEVISION SHOW: Where the Hell's That Gold?!!?
 * FAVORITE SONG: "Devil in a Sleepin' Bag" by Willie Nelson
 * ROLE MODEL: Granny Clampett
 * FAVORITE FOOD: Chicken-fried kishke
 * MARITAL STATUS: Single

Sally Mae walks into the Hide and the Go Greek Restaurant looking a little confused and completely out of place. She's a heapin' slice of country pie, with a bouncy step and bouncier er- other things. She sits down and peruses the menu quizzically. What's a pita?" Sally Mae asks with her befuddled, corn-fed half-smile. We sit down to a plate of bourekia appetizers, which she sniffs suspiciously, but soon hungrily wolfs down between gulps of draft beer.

You were born on a farm. What was that like?

It's a little piece of heaven on Earth. It's so quiet an' peaceful there. Every mornin' you wake up to the sound of the rooster crowin' and the sun just comes tiptoein' through your window kinda' sayin', "Hey there. Good mornin'."

I don't like farms. They smell.

Well, it is a peculiar smell. But I been around it all my life. You get used to it.

Plus, I'm allergic to giraffes.

We don't have giraffes at our farm.

That's good. Maybe I could come and visit sometime. What does your mom look like?

I don't know. I suppose a bit like me.

Would you consider your mother a "well-preserved woman"?

I'm not sure I get your meanin'.

That's okay. Forget I said anything. Anyway, what are your responsibilities on the farm?

Well, we have chores year-round. Milkin' the cows. Tillin' the soil in spring. Harvestin' in the fall. Refereeing the cock-fights?

I don't think I know what you're talkin' about.

Sure you don't. Wink, wink. Anyway, if you know of any game in town, lemme know. I'll travel anywhere in the country to prove my chicken can't be beat: Cronus is king of cock-fighters!

I'm sure he is. Now settle down now.

Do you want another drink? I sure could use another drink!

No, I'm fine.

Anyway, they wrote down on these cards some questions they wanted me to ask you. Here's one: "I hear you're an Agricultural Studies Major. That must be fascinating."

Oh it is! I'm studyin' the history of American agriculture. Did you know that Grimm alfalfa was introduced into the United States in 1858?

I didn't say I thought it was fascinating; the card said I thought it was fascinating.

Oh.

Here's another one: "What qualities do you look for in a guy?"

I like a guy who's thoughtful and sensitive. Someone who really knows how to treat a lady like a lady. A real gentleman. And I like to dance, so he should like to dance too. Also I love country music so he--

"What's your ideal romantic evening?"

Some soft music… country music, of course. Candlelight… or a roarin' fire to set the mood. A bottle of some dandelion wine and--

Let's see what else we got here in my stack o' cards... boring... boring... really boring...You know what: Screw the cards! Where's my drink?

You never ordered one.

You are correct! Look at you. I bet you were an early-bloomer, weren't you?

Now that's gittin' rather personal. You listen: I will not answer any more of these sorta questions--

You know, you probably know the answer to this question: I read somewhere that a whole gang of male sheep will surround a female sheep and then just bang the hell outta-

That's it mister, I'm leavin'!

Waiter! Another Singapore Sling over here.

May 2004
Analisa Gambozinni, the lady of May.

Well, you guys sure seemed to like April's girl, Sally Mae Beauregard and we're sure you'll like this month's entry just as much. She's a little more sophisticated than Sally Mae but if you dig deep, you'll find a girl who's every bit as sweet.

When you're done be sure to check out the new video on our movie page and the new wallpapers on our image page.

Vital Stats
 * Born: April 24, 1985
 * Hometown: Brick Town, New Jersey
 * Major: Management
 * Height : 5' 2 
 * Weight: 110 lbs
 * Measurements: 30-23-36
 * Turn-Ons: pomade, fat guys, prizefighting
 * Turn-Offs: the Feds, rats, Charlie Daniels
 * Hobbies: coin-collecting, gambling
 * Favorite Movie: Another Stakeout
 * Favorite Television Show: Meego
 * Favorite Song: "Silence is Golden" by the Four Seasons
 * Role Model: Chester A. Arthur
 * Favorite Food: Fettuccini a la Cazzo
 * Marital Status: Single

I have Analisa meet me at Mozzarella Mouse & the Fun Gang's Pizza Zone. I decide to show up an hour and a half early because I hear the Skee-Ball lanes here are real loose. After dropping fifty bucks in the lanes, I pick her up a little something at the gift counter and decide to relax in the ball pit to finish off my flask.

I see her through the netting: she's wearing a tight black dress with her hair done just so. She's got all the right curves and she's shaking 'em to and fro as she walks, driving all the ten-years-olds wild.

While I'm introducing myself, Mozzarella Mouse himself shows us to our table. (She really must be connected!)

Q: So Analisa, how's it going?

A: What the *&@!# is this place? You said we was goin' to a nice, quiet Italian restaurant.

Q: C'mon, this place is nice. They have Q*Bert. And wait 'til Mozzarella Mouse and the Fun Gang put on their show.

A: Yeah, "nice." I thought we was gonna have some high-quality Italian food here. A little Prosciutto di Parma. Maybe some Fettuccine alla Bolognese.

Q: They have pizza. You guys love pizza. And look at Mozzarella Mouse: he's got a little greasy black mustache and he plays the accordion. What could be more Italian?

A: Yer a @*&#! leccacazzi. You know that?

Q: Ooh, it's so sexy when you speak Italian. Look, I got you something...

A: What the #@&! is this?

Q: It's a Mozzarella Mouse pencil-topper. I was going to get you the Neat-O Notebook but I only had 350 tickets. Analisa Gambozinni, the lady of May.

A: Just what I need: a !@$#* pencil-topper! Why don't I stick it on the end of a pencil and cram it up yer &%!$! ass. Q: Gimme a break! I had to steal 150 tickets from the kid next to me. Man, I hope his dad isn't here...

A: Yeah? Well, yer just lucky my dad ain't.

Q: Anyway, Analisa, it says here that you're from New Jersey. What a craphole that place is, huh?

A: Yeah? Where the !@$# are you from?

Q: I'll be asking the questions today. Now it also says here your dad works for the Mafia.

A: My pop's in waste management. You hear me? Waste management!

Q: Nope. It clearly says here, "the Mafia." You don't have to be embarrassed about what your dad does for a living. My dad mopped the floors at adult theatres. But hey, it paid for my Jai-Alai equipment.

A: Waste management!

Q: Fair enough. We'll move on... say, what was the name of that TV program that uh- that Steve Urkel fellow was on?

A: I don't know. I don't watch that !@*&#.

Q: Oh, yes! "Family Matters" was that name of that show. It escaped me for a minute.

A: Yeah, yeah. That's real clever.

Q: I don't think I know what you're talking about. Oh dear, my migraine is acting up again. Those children in the next booth are making an awful racket.

A: You think yer funny now?

Q: Hey, do you like soul music?

A: No.

Q: You ever seen that James Brown? Wow. He's one dynamic performer. You know, they call him the "Godfather of Soul."

A: You gettin' cute now?

Q: What's your favorite Black Sabbath album? I've always liked, "Mob Rules."

A: Alright already! So, yeah: my pop's in the Mafia. Big #$*!& deal!

Q: Ooh! The show's starting!

A: He's always at Funicello's Italian Restaurant in Cliffside Park. I think it's their base of operations or something...

Q: Please be quiet. This is my favorite song.

A: And last year he got real mad at Carmine DeMaio and then the guy just disappears. My ma said he went into Witness Protection, but I don't know...

Q: Mozzarella and the band are hot tonight! That gorilla plays a mean sax. Do you think I could get his autograph after the show?

A: He's a !@#%! robot! Alright. You know what: I'm outta here. I got better ways to waste my !*@#! time.

Q: Okay. Your loss. I hear they're gonna encore with "Crazy for Ice Cream."

Interview by David Fingerhut

June 2004
Introducing Zena Zeppelins.

I stroll through the double doors into Fat Sam's (the local strip club) and my eyes behold a magnificent feast: a bevy of buxom surgically-enhanced babes, all hand-picked by Mr. Sam himself.

Then I behold a second magnificent feast: a large, wooden peanut barrel by the stairwell. I gorge myself on peanuts for the next hour or so and then sit myself down at the foot of the stage.

Fat Sam announces Zena over the loudspeaker and she seductively saunters out to the strains of Britny Fox's "Girlschool". She's wearing next to nothing in the form of a Catholic school uniform - a sweaty, writhing, bouncy little package of adolescent fantasy. After she finishes, I introduce myself and we retire to one Sam's private booths to talk.

Vital Stats
 * Born: August 1, 1982
 * Hometown: Bell End, Florida
 * Major:Stevedoring/Management
 * Height: 5' 4''
 * Weight: 130 lbs
 * Measurements: 38-24-37
 * Turn-Ons: stubble, suntan lotion, dinghies
 * Turn-Offs: snow, bigotry, Charlie Daniels Hobbies: sailing, surfing, crystal radio kits
 * Favorite Movie: Captain Ron
 * Favorite Television Show: Thunder in Paradise
 * Favorite Song: "Thunder in Paradise Theme Song"
 * Role Model: Count Ferdinand von Zeppelin
 * Favorite Food: fried gulf shrimp
 * Marital Status: Single

Q: So, you're from Florida. Man, that's a wild town.

A:It's a state.

Q: I was in Daytona Beach for Spring Break last year. Yeah! Good times! Party naked 'til you puke! High five!

A:Spring break? How old are you?

Q: Forty-three! High five!

A: No more "high fives."

Q: Oh, I see… club policy. That's cool by me. Hey! Do you know Jimmy Buffett?

A: No.

Q: Too bad. That guy's awesome. Oh! Do you know Dan Marino?

A: No. I don't know Dan Marino.

Q: Aw man. I wanted his autograph. Remember when he threw the ball and the guy made a touchdown? Yes! Excitement!

A: Yeah. He was a good quarterback.

Q: Do you know Crockett and Tubbs?

A: They're fictional characters! And before you ask: No. I don't know Scarface, Tom Petty, 2 Live Crew or the Golden Girls.

Q: Oh… well, that about wraps up my questions.

A: That's it?

Q: Uh, yeah. Why do you ask?

A: So, you used your keen journalistic instincts to uncover that I was from Florida and I don't know Dan Marino.

Q: Yeah. That was pretty good, huh?

A:No. As an interviewer, you need to dig deep into the psyche of your subject. Aren't you curious about how and why I got into stripping?

Q: No.

A: Well, I come from a lower middle-class family. My father's a fishmonger and he couldn't afford to send me to college. So I found myself up to my ears in debt: student loans, text books, rent… and then one of my classmates told me about Fat Sam's. She said that a girl could make really good money stripping. Upwards of $1500 a week.

At first I was hesitant. I didn't want to be objectified by the male gaze. But I gradually found it to be an enlivening, empowering experience. I found that my body gave me power over men. That I could- Hey! Are you sleeping?

Q: Huh? Did you say something about Dan Marino?

A: No, Mr. Fingerhut. I was speaking about stripping as an a exercise in pro-feminist-

Q: How much for the lotion show?

A: Thirty dollars.

Q: How much for a happy ending?

A:Seventy-five.

Q: Now you're talkin'! Let's put this one on the company tab!

July 2004
This month it's the bubbly bite-sized brain of Barbara Jo.

The Eta Omicron Zeta sorority house is a strange m¿lange of architectural styles. A standing monument to femininity. Rococo flourishes collide with the hard lines of Art Deco; all set in a sea of shocking pinks and tranquil blues. Barbara Jo emerges from the stairwell.

She is a beautiful creature: with her clean complexion, button nose, sapphire eyes, lollipop lips, butterscotch hair, and tanned, athletic build. Though in spite of her beauty, one is struck by a certain vapid quality in her blank stare.

We retire to the backyard, where two sun-dappled trampolines stand inert and black amidst the emerald hues of the well-manicured lawn. We sit side-by-side in matching lavender lounging chairs, sipping cool lemonade in the soft summer breeze.

Vital Stats


 * Born: May 12, 1983
 * Hometown: Airhead, California
 * Major: Communications
 * Height: 5'9"
 * Weight: 130
 * Measurements: 34-20-34
 * Turn-ons: puppy dogs, Sundays, ice cream
 * Turn-offs: mean people, Charlie Daniels
 * Hobbies: cheerleading
 * Favorite Movie: Strawberry Shortcake Meets the Berrykins
 * Favorite Television Show: California Dreams
 * Favorite Song: "Brush Your Teeth" by Raffi
 * Role Model: carrots
 * Favorite Food: cereal
 * Marital Status: single

Q: Hello, Barbara Jo. It is a pleasure to meet you.

A: Hi, David.

Q: My name is Garland Merriwether.

A: Where's David?

Q: Allow me to explain: Our staff interviewer, Mr. David Fingerhut, who was scheduled to conduct this interview, has been reported missing. His rental car was found abandoned out on US Highway 70 in New Mexico. The police found several empty bottles of English Leather aftershave, a goat-castrating device, and a booklet of coupons for Carl's Jr.; but curiously no sign of Mr. Fingerhut.

A: Where's David?

Q: Well I just got through explaining that, you see? He's been reported missing so nobody knows where he is.

A: Are you David?

No. My name is Garland.

A: Where's David?

Q: Now it says here that you are a cheerleader. You know, cheerleading has a fascinating history. Historians credit its invention to one Thomas Peebles in 1884. Coincidentally, he was a Princeton man, like myself.

A: What's a Princeton?

Q: It's a very highly-rated university in central New Jersey. Now your father is television host, Biff Barf, he met your mother, Barbara Bimbo, when she was a contestant on "The Dating Connection". What was it like growing up in the shadow of his celebrity?

A: My daddy's on TV.

Q: Yes. I know that. I wanted to know your feelings growing up the daughter of a cultural icon.

A: Sometimes I'm sad. Sometimes I'm hungry.

Q: Yes. Hungry for fame… for wealth… to emerge from the shadow of your father's celebrity?

A: I like french fries.

Q: Yes… "Hungry for french fries."

A: I'm bored.

Q: Yes. It would seem for a brief, fleeting moment in time, we two think alike.

A: Do you like dancing? I love dancing. Let's go out to the Power Station and dance!

Q: No, I am gay. Thank you, this concludes our interview.

August 2004
The many lives and loves of Bilzarbra Smith.

Lefty's Too is on the wrong side of town. The facade of the Schwanstucker sex toys factory looms large over the shadowy neighborhood filled with burnt-out apartment buildings, adult theaters and sperm banks. I grasp my wallet tightly as I make my way through zoot-suited pimps, worn-down prostitutes and chain-and-leather clad street toughs.

Lefty's isn't quite the pleasant respite: the floors are littered with empty beer bottles, the grimy tables don't look like they've been wiped down in months and the state of the restroom transcends mere description.

Bilzarbra stands by the bar, cellular phone at her ear, busily chatting with her agent. She's dressed in a natty, teal waitress uniform, the sort you'd see in an Edward Hopper painting. She's an attractive African-American girl with long, slender legs. In spite of her obvious beauty, there's something synthetic about her: from her straightened raven hair to her button-nose to her impossible breasts. All this begs the question, after all these treatments and superfluous surgery: has man truly triumphed over nature?

Vital Stats


 * Born: October 4, 1980
 * Hometown: Bullionville, Utah
 * Major: Communications
 * Height: 5'10"
 * Weight: 130 lbs
 * Measurements: 33-20-35
 * Turn-ons: money, fame, Hayden Christensen
 * Turn-offs: false people, cold weather, Charlie Daniels
 * Hobbies: waiting tables
 * Favorite Movie: Excess Baggage
 * Favorite Television Show: "Family Passions"
 * Favorite Song: "Act Naturally" by Buck Owens & his Buckaroos
 * Role Model: Alicia Silverstone
 * Favorite Food: don't eat
 * Marital Status: single

Garland Merriwether: Bilzarbra, I presume?

Bilzarbra Smith: Oh...hey. Uh- what was your name again?

Garland Merriwether: Garland. Garland Merriwether.

Bilzarbra Smith: Oh yeah! So is this gonna be like in a glossy entertainment magazine? Y' know like in the "Fresh Faces" or "Rising Stars" column?

Garland Merriwether: No. Now, I'd like a glass of your finest cabernet and uh... oh, let's see... the "chicken strips".

Bilzarbra Smith: Then where are you from? Us? People?

Garland Merriwether: It's on the Internet, actually. Now where are my chicken strips?

Bilzarbra Smith: I'm off now. This isn't my shift.

Garland Merriwether: I WANT MY CHICKEN STRIPS!

Bilzarbra Smith: Okay don't have a fit! (to bartender) Don, this guy wants some chicken strips and a "glass of cabernet".

Don: The kitchen's closed, a-hole! And we don't serve no fancy-schmancy "cabernet" here. The closest I got is Mr. Pibb.

Garland Merriwether: "Mr. Pibb"? Why don't I just drink out of the toilet? Anyway... Bilzarbra, I read here that you are an actress with several film credits to your name.

Bilzarbra Smith: Yeah.

Garland Merriwether: I watched your performance last night as Topless Beach Bunny #3 in Operation Bikini III. I found it absolutely riveting. I would rank it up there with Ren¿e Maria Falconetti's portrayal of the title role in Carl Theodor Dreyer's The Passion of Joan of Arc.

Bilzarbra Smith: Oh yeah! Rex Surewood is such a great director!

Garland Merriwether: You do not have to remind me! Surely his canon belongs up there with that of Bresson, Ozu and Fassbinder.

Bilzarbra Smith: Yeah. Exactly.

Garland Merriwether: Yes. The performance he got from your breasts was remarkable. In a mere five seconds, they speak volumes.

Bilzarbra Smith: Are you making fun of me?

Garland Merriwether: Surely not. I only have the utmost respect for your "acting" talents. Now, I must say that the futility you brought to the role of Jell-O Wrestler #2 in Co-Ed Cruise transcends mere praise.

Bilzarbra Smith: Thanks. I guess.

Garland Merriwether: Not only were your breasts once again on full display, but also they were covered in red gelatin.

Bilzarbra Smith: Listen, a--hole! You gotta start somewhere! You have no right to judge me Mister Write-For-The-Internet Guy!

Garland Merriwether: Oh! Touche! Good comeback! Somebody's certainly getting catty!

Bilzarbra Smith: Hey! I don't have to deal with this *#%! @*&! you and your @#&*! Internet! I don't need you! Someday I'm gonna be somebody. Someday I'm gonna be a star and then you'll beg me to talk to you. But I'll just be like, "No." And then you'll be sad.

Garland Merriwether: Oh yes, a big star! I hear Max Hardcore is having a casting call if you have no objections to working with a speculum.

September 2004
Turn that frown upside down with the brainy Beatrice.

I'm almost an hour late when I pass through the VIP entrance to one of Walnut Log's most popular nightclub establishments, one of several in the area to offer all-male nude revenues on the weekends. Tonight's attraction is the "Plunder Down Under", a pirate-themed troupe of well-endowed dancers whose infectious enthusiasm intrigues me- but I've no time to linger. A tawny, well-tanned Colin Farrell look-a-like leads me upstairs to a private room where the divorce party of one Beatrice Robensenito is well underway.

It takes me a moment to pick her out from amongst the throng of late thirtysomethings here. The thick glasses and lab coat have been replaced with contact lenses and a burgundy colored princess bodice. The transformation is resplendent. Beatrice is a gorgeous woman of Hispanic descent for whom time has aged like a fine wine. On this particular evening however, the effort appears to have been wasted. Beatrice sits forlorn on a couch, her mood affects the entire occasion. It is at this low point in her life that I make her acquaintance.

Vital Stats


 * Born: August 16, 1965
 * Hometown: Tugjob, Wisconsin
 * Occupation: Director of the Walnut Log Community College Primate Research *Center
 * Height: 5'6"
 * Weight: 123
 * Measurements: 32-24-35
 * Turn-ons: Honesty, Intelligence, Judge Reinhold
 * Turn-offs: Liars, people who cheat, flatulence
 * Hobbies: The study of peptide receptors in nonhuman primates.
 * Favorite Movie: The First Wives Club
 * Favorite Television Show: Divorce Court
 * Favorite Song: "Love Stinks" J. Geils Band
 * Roll Model: Jane Goodall
 * Favorite Food: science snacks
 * Marital Status: divorced

Garland Merriweather: Good evening Beatrice, how are you?

Beatrice Robensenito: I'm divorced. My ex was a bastard and has a small penis. Can you say that in your interview? That he has a small penis?

Garland Merriweather: Certainly.

Beatrice Robensenito: He left me you know, I never cheated on him. I wanted kids but he didn't. I loved him.

Garland Merriweather: I understand.

[There is an awkward silence during which I am overcome with pity for the woman. Sensing a traditional interview would only add to her misery, I pursue a different tact.]

Garland Merriweather: Is this your first time at Mantasia?

Beatrice Robensenito: Yes, it's been six months since the divorce. My girlfriends thought I needed a night out. I'm afraid it's been a bit of a disappointment for them so far.

Garland Merriweather: Did you know the dancers here will get fully nude?

Beatrice Robensenito: Really? The manager said that was illegal.

Garland Merriweather: Pish posh! Someone run downstairs and fetch Rodrigo. Tell him Garland's waiting. Now, you've devoted your life to the study of sexual dysfunction in primates. Was this an attempt to shed light on some of your marital problems?

Beatrice Robensenito: Steven and I were rarely intimate. I'd always hoped the problem was chemical, and that I could somehow find the answer. Now I know he was just sleeping around. When he left me I realized that both my personal and professional lives had been for naught.

Garland Merriweather: Preposterous! Your ex-husband was a fool, and your work is a credit to the university.

Beatrice Robensenito: Thank you, that's very sweet of you to say.

Garland Merriweather: Tell me more about your work at Walnut Log Community College. What's a typical day like?

Beatrice Robensenito: Well, most mornings are-

Garland Merriweather: Ah Rodrigo! Finally! Remove your thong and begin tea bagging this woman at once.

Beatrice Robensenito: I don't think I should-

Garland Merriweather: Nonsense dear. Consider it "research." Rodrigo, if you would be so kind…

Beatrice Robensenito: Oh my God!

Garland Merriweather: Indeed. I think you'll find this young man could teach your primates a thing or two about "rising to the occasion" as it were, not to mention your ex-husband.

Beatrice Robensenito: [laughs] Garland you're a Godsend!

Garland Merriweather: Not at all. Barkeep! Another pitcher of Banana Streisands! I'm going out to the car to retrieve the phallus-shaped pi¿ata I was saving for just such an occasion. No one plays the wallflower at their own divorce party while Garland Merriweather's about! Towanda!

October 2004
We take our final look at Larry's ladies with Luba.

I arrive at 5:00 PM at Scruemall Hall, an upper class dormitory on Walnut Log Community College's main campus. The floors are littered with random debris: empty beer cans, half-eaten sandwiches and used prophylactics. A young gentleman, perhaps under the influence of alcohol, charges past me, spilling fruit punch upon my lace cravat. Rest assured loyal audience, after much blotting and a soak in bleach-free detergent the cravat is now mercifully stain-free.

I knock on Luba's room to no avail, but finding the door unlocked I cautiously enter. I find Ms. Licious sound asleep, quite nude but for the exception of a pair of ill-fitting men briefs. I gently tap her on the shoulder. She turns and murmurs. I begin to shake her violently. Suddenly she shoots awake. Flinging me aside, she hurries to the other side of the room and promptly vomits in the closet.

Special note from the editor: During the course of the interview, Ms. Licious peppered her responses with various "colorful" words and phrases which some of our readers may find objectionable. I have replaced the offending words with more appropriate expressions.

Vital Stats


 * Born: September 25, 1983
 * Hometown: Pithole City, Pennsylvania
 * Major: Animal Husbandry
 * Height: 5' 4 
 * Weight: 127 lbs
 * Measurements: 42-21-37
 * Turn-ons: blow job shots, gravity bongs, Charlie Daniels
 * Turn-offs: seeds and stems, AA, traffic cops
 * Hobbies: cloud watching, alcohol poisoning
 * Favorite Movie: House Party 2: The Pajama Jam
 * Favorite Television Show: Scarecrow and Mrs. King
 * Favorite Song: "Rainbow in the Rose" by Winger
 * Role Model: Jasmin St. Claire
 * Favorite Food: pinkelwurst
 * Marital Status: single

Garland Merriweather: Ms. Licious, are you all right?

Luba Licious: Who are you? Did we last night?

Garland Merriweather: No, no, no. I am Garland Merriweather. I am here to conduct the interview.

Luba Licious: That was today?

Garland Merriweather: Yes, it was. If you would like we could conduct this at a later date.

Luba Licious: No, man. Let's do this. Hold on a sec… I gotta do a few whippets to wake up here.

Garland Merriweather: Oh, look at that. Do you have a cappuccino machine? I say there! Are you aware of how that affects your brain?

Luba Licious: Right on.

Garland Merriweather: Well then… let's begin.

Luba Licious: Wait… what was the question?

Garland Merriweather: I haven't asked any questions yet.

Luba Licious: Far out.

Garland Merriweather: So… recently you posed for Playboy magazine. What was that experience like?

Luba Licious: Oh yeah! It was really cool. We were all like drinkin' red wine and everybody's gettin' real giggly. I'm completely naked, right? And I look down and he's got a wicked. So I ease over and unzip his pants. Then I gave him a total. I let the lighting guy watch.

Garland Merriweather: Well… that was certainly… er- frank.

Luba Licious: Yeah. That was awesome.

Garland Merriweather: Uh… let's see here… It says here you that you were on the gymnastics team in high school. Dare I ask, any interesting experiences?

Luba Licious: Oh yeah. We were at the state gymnastics meet in Philly and I snuck in on the Pithole City Boy's Gymnastics team in the locker room. So I'm in the shower with this guy and I'm holding his and this other guy he starts ing me from behind. Then the coach walks in and he's like totally ing my. Then-

Garland Merriweather: Yes, yes that's quite enough. On to lighter subjects, it says here that you volunteer part-time at a retirement home.

Luba Licious: Oh yeah! So like one time I 1982 Dodge 1 Ton> then we and finally I.

Garland Merriweather: …

Luba Licious: Are you okay, man?

(At this point, I vomited in the closet and quite humiliated, excused myself from the room.)