Paul Paul's jokes

Jokes

 * The numbers [1], [2] and [3] are "placeholders" to be replaced with ethnic groups.


 * A [1] man walked into a bar with a pig under his arm. The bartender said, "Did you win him in a raffle?" And the pig replied, "Yep."


 * These three guys were stranded together on a desert island. The [1] guy finds Aladdin's lamp buried in the sand. He says "I wish I were home" and poof -- he vanishes into midair. Well, the [2] man grabs the lamp and says "I wish I were home, too." Poof, he too vanishes, leaving the [3] man holding the lamp. The [3] guy says, "Gee, now it's lonely here. I wish they hadn't left me..."


 * Did you hear about the unlucky [1] guy? He filed for divorce because he lived in a two-story house. One story was "I'm not in the mood" and the other was "I've got a headache!"


 * A [2] man was talking with a [3] man, "I'm so unlucky!" The [3] man asks, "Really? Why do you say that?" "Why, just last night that beautiful hunchback girl stood me up. And after I bought her flowers, dug the hole, and everything!"


 * Did I tell you the one about the [3] guy who was messing around with his sister-in-law? He really had it in for his brother!


 * Do you know how to recognize the bride at a [2] wedding? She's the one with the braided armpit hair!


 * Do you know why the [1] guys have been stealing all those police cars lately? They saw the "911" and thought they were Porsches!


 * Do you know who won the [2] beauty pageant? No one!


 * A [3] woman on her way home from market was carrying a duck when a drunk staggered up to her and said, "Hey, where'd ja get the pig?" The [3] woman replied, "You drunken fool, that's no pig -- it's a duck!" And the drunk said, "Quiet, [3], I was talking to the duck!"


 * Do you know how they take a census in a [2] neighborhood? Easy. Flood the basements!


 * Do you know the most dangerous job in a [1] neighborhood? Riding shotgun on the garbage truck!


 * Do you know how to tell the groom at a [2] wedding? He's the one with the clean bowling shirt!


 * Once the [1] football team played the [2] football team. At the end of three quarters the score was tied: nothing to nothing. Just then a train went by. The [1] team heard the whistle, thought the game was over, and went home. Six plays later, the [2] team scored.


 * Do you know where a [2] family hides its money? Under the soap!


 * Do you know why [3] stadiums all have artificial grass? To keep the cheerleaders from grazing during halftime!


 * I just learned the difference between oral sex and sushi! It's the rice!


 * What is two hours of begging? [1] foreplay!


 * A 70-year-old man was in his doctor's office, sobbing uncontrollably. "Doc, you've got to help me! I just recently married a 21-year old, gorgeous girl, built like a brick shipyard, and all she wants to do all day long is have sex with me!" The doctor replies, "Some problem! So why do you need my help?" "I can't remember where I live!"


 * Have you tried that new Jewish-Japanese restaurant yet? It's called "Sosumi."


 * A young lumberjack had a terrible accident with his chain saw and went to the doctor's office for stitches. As the doctor began to apply an anesthetic the lumberjack just laughed, "Doc, I won't be needin' any pain-killer for a little ol" wound like this." The doctor replied, "Son, this is going to hurt a lot. Are you sure?" "Of course, I'm sure," said the lumberjack. "Why, in my entire life I've only felt pain twice: once when I squatted down to relieve myself in the woods and got my testicles caught in a bear trap!" The doctor cried, "My gawd, that's terrible! But when was the second time?" "When I reached the end of that chain!!"


 * An elderly couple were just finishing their annual physical exam. Their doctor proclaimed them in perfect health. The wife said, "But, Doctor, what can we do? I'm afraid we're going to catch this AIDS virus!" The doctor responded, "Don't worry; there's no way you could be in a high-risk group." "But, Doctor," she replied, "remember: we DO have annual sex!!"


 * My wife is so ugly... a peeping tom threw up on our window ledge!


 * My wife bought us a new waterbed. I call it "The Dead Sea!"


 * Once when I was a teenager I stopped at the drugstore to purchase some of those "necessary supplies." I told the pharmacist, "Better give me a dozen, I've got a hot date tonight with the school tramp!" When I got to her house, her mother insisted I join them for dinner. I offered to say grace, and I prayed and prayed and prayed. When I finished, my date leaned over to me and said, "Why, Paul! I had no idea you were so religious!" I replied, "And I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"


 * A man complained to his doctor, "Doc, my wife has lost her interest in sex!" The doctor replied, "Say no more, old friend, I've got just what you need. Just slip her one of these little pills and stand back!" That night, as the man dropped a couple of pills into his wife's glass of wine he thought, "If these pills are so great, maybe I should take a couple myself!" Nothing happened. The evening passed uneventfully and they both went off to bed. Then, about one o'clock, his wife suddenly sat up in bed and announced, "I want a man!" And the man woke up and said,"Me, too!"


 * A [2] man called his wife and said, "Honey, I'm at the doctor's office; he just finished my exam and says I've only got 12 hours to live!" His wife replies, "Oh, sweetheart, that's terrible news! What will we do?" The [2] man said, "I thought tonight we should have one great, last fling: fancy dinner, a show, dancing, everything. Then we'll check into a hotel and make love all night! And the wife replied, "Easy for you to say; you don't have to get up in the morning!"


 * Do you know how to recognize a [3] virgin? She's the one that can run faster than her brothers!


 * Once I had a great thing going with this Eskimo girl... unfortunately, she broke it off!


 * Did you hear about the [2] man who was so lazy... he married a pregnant woman!


 * A [3] man was so stupid... he studied all weekend for his urine test!


 * Do you know how to break a [1] man's finger? Punch him in the nose!


 * How do you sink a [2] battleship? Put it in water!


 * Do you know how to get 25 [3] guys in a phone booth? Throw in a dollar!


 * Did you hear about the [1] guy who won a gold medal in the last Olympics? He had it bronzed!


 * How can you tell the [2] pirate? He wears an eye patch on both eyes!


 * Six months ago, my wife had her credit card stolen. Tonight I learned this [3] guy took it. But I'm not going to turn him in. He spends a lot less per month than she did!


 * Yesterday I went to the meat department in that new cannibal supermarket down in the beautiful downtown Nontoonyt Mall. They were running a special on human brains! [1] brains were $4.99 per pound; [2] brains were $6.99 per pound; and [3] brains were $39.00 per pound. I asked the butcher, "If [1] brains are $4.99 a pound and [2] brains are $6.99 per pound, how could [3] brains be $39.00?" He replied, "Do you know how many [3] guys you've got to go through to get a pound of brains?!"


 * How do you tell the difference between a dead dog and a dead [1] lying in the middle of a highway? There's skid marks in front of the dog!


 * Why did the [1] pervert cross the road? Because he was stuck to the back of the chicken!


 * What's the difference between two terrorists and two [1] women with PMS? You could negotiate with the terrorists!


 * Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? He heard the referee was blowing fouls.


 * Do you know the worst thing about being an atheist? You have no one to talk to when you're having an orgasm!


 * Do you know the best thing about sleeping alone? You can have sex anytime you want it!